Passwords

[NAB]

My husband cheated years ago.  The last year I’ve really felt better about him, but tonight I discovered he changed his password to his computer.  After his affair, nothing would shock me, but I’m really angry!  

[glows]

What does changing the password mean to you? Ask him what the new password is without accusing him. Is that how you found out about his cheating years ago? 

It seems futile for him to be changing passwords to a computer when he lives with you. You are there seeing his behaviours and mannerisms firsthand and the closest in proximity to him being his wife. Trust your instincts. Try to decide if this marriage is over or if there’s enough trust and love to stay. 

Edited December 27, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, NAB said:

My husband cheated years ago.  tonight I discovered he changed his password to his computer.  

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been married? How old is he?

Even if you have all his passwords and go through his devices, cheaters find ways around that. 

Many apps and devices require changing the password regularly as a security measure.

So going through devices doesn't prove or disprove anything.

Have you considered marriage therapy to get the cards on the table and start an honest dialogue in the neutral private professional setting of a qualified therapist?

 

[salparadise]

I guess if you've always had the password and shared the account, then it wouldn't be unexpected that you'd ask for the new password (and why he changed it). If he refuses then you'll have to decide if you want to have a major battle over being able to monitor his online activity and communications. If I were him, I would never give out my password to begin with, and if my spouse/ girlfriend insisted I'd say no friggin way.

My ex-wife tried that on me once so I showed her how to use the guest account. She had her own work PC but insisted that she be able to just sit down and use my Mac as a convenience, and she wanted access to my account not the guest account. I had left the computer open (not password protected) at some point but she had a way of changing settings and messing stuff up. Monitoring someone's account doesn't make them more trustworthy, it just makes one doing the monitoring neurotic. 

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I guess if you've always had the password and shared the account, then it wouldn't be unexpected that you'd ask for the new password (and why he changed it). If he refuses then you'll have to decide if you want to have a major battle over being able to monitor his online activity and communications. If I were him, I would never give out my password to begin with, and if my spouse/ girlfriend insisted I'd say no friggin way.

My ex-wife tried that on me once so I showed her how to use the guest account. She had her own work PC but insisted that she be able to just sit down and use my Mac as a convenience, and she wanted access to my account not the guest account. I had left the computer open (not password protected) at some point but she had a way of changing settings and messing stuff up. Monitoring someone's account doesn't make them more trustworthy, it just makes one doing the monitoring neurotic. 

OK but you I presume hadn't cheated on your ex.
After cheating, full transparency is expected to allow the BS to be able to trust again.
Here she was recovering trust, only for it to be shattered again with this new password move.

[salparadise]

I see your point, but she said it was years ago. Zero privacy forever... If I was him I'd have to say thanks, but no thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Cheating has been around a long time. Long before devices and passwords. Trust and recovery from infidelity should involve more than going through each other's devices.

[elaine567]

21 minutes ago, salparadise said:

I see your point, but she said it was years ago. Zero privacy forever... If I was him I'd have to say thanks, but no thanks.

It is often the price to be paid for cheating. 
Cheating is a huge deal, it ruins relationships, it can take 3-5 years to start to regain trust.
The person you thought had your back, betrayed you.
Many would really want to walk away and never look back, but if you have a life entwined, not so easy to do.

[elaine567]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Cheating has been around a long time. Long before devices and passwords. Trust and recovery from infidelity should involve more than going through each other's devices.

Maybe but suddenly there is a huge red flag here.
She cannot ignore it surely?
 

[understand50]

In order to reconcile, you must be completely open.  How long?  As long as it takes.  Or only "Buddha knows"  Now if he is in a Job, Military, Government, that demands a secure system, and then they police it themselves, then OK.  part of the job, national security, get it.  Do not think this is the case.  Ask him for the password.  explain this is part of your triggers.

Also, why are you posting about this, and not just asking?  Why so passive?   I would say, that at a matter of course, he should give you the password with out asking, and you should ask automatically, if you see it has been changed, and this just should not be an issue. Should not be up to debate. 

I wish you luck....

 

[Harry Korsnes]

3 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe but suddenly there is a huge red flag here.
She cannot ignore it surely?
 

You still have to have that good ol gut feeling! 

[NAB]

My husband said he doesn’t care about me or my desire for safety.  That says it all.

Edited December 30, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language