I didn't know he had a long-term girlfriend.

[brooks468]

Recently found myself in a bit of an unlucky situation.

Back at the start of October,  i met a guy through the gym who found me on social media. At first, he would reply to my stories and it quickly escalated to some quite serious talking. He is 26 with a 3 year old daughter, and he told me that he had things in his life that he needed to sort out first as he had no free time for a relationship (lol) because of work and being a single parent (lol). As i have been extremely badly hurt in my past, i told him that it was best that we stopped talking because i am looking for something serious with someone who has time for me.

Anyway, he didn't stop contacting me. He continued to message me and told me he couldn't stop thinking about me and that we had a "strong connection", and that he didn't want me to delete him and forget about him to meet someone else. Fast forward a few weeks and we eventually started doing a few gym sessions together although this was the only time we've ever met up in person. 

He basically told me that he wanted something serious with me, he wanted to take me out on a few dates in the upcoming weeks, offered to drive me to work so he could come spend time with me, he also invited me out on a few walks because i told him i was anxious around boys and i wanted to take things slow. He constantly compliments my body and my appearance, but the hardest part was that i opened up to him about my mental health and that i've been having a really hard time at the moment and he was always making sure i was okay. I guess i started to like him and i wass excited to see where things would go.

However, I had asked him how long he was single for and he said they split in August so i was already aware of being a rebound and i let myself not get too attached, especially because he became extremely full on way too fast. I work night shifts and i sleep during the day and he started asking if i had replaced him and if i was speaking to other people, he would also mention being jealous if i mentioned other boys or spoke to them at the gym. This put me off as i started to worry that he wasn't over his ex because i guess from my own experience it's easy to get attached when you're still hurting! I had tried to end it a few times in the past few weeks but he repeatedly added me and messaged me every single day. He added me on christmas night telling me he had a really bad day because he couldnt stop thinking about the fact i didnt speak to him anymore - while literally spending christmas with his girlfriend. 

Yesterday i got sent some screenshots of him with his ex, who is in fact still his girlfriend, together on a weekend break. They also still live together and have been together this entire time and i had absolutely no idea. He basically told one of his friends he was single and speaking to me, and this was relayed to a friend of the girlfriend who had seen that they just spent a weekend together. She ended up messaging me and she has blamed me for everything because she thinks i knew that they were still together the entire time.

I just feel so sick to my stomach with it all, i literally never saw this coming and it hurts that someone could lie to me so badly. I can't even imagine how she must be feeling. It sucks that i opened up about how little i trust people and how i've been used a lot in the past, for him to be lying to two girls at once. 

I have blocked him and i have absolutely no intention of ever speaking to him again, i just wanted to share my story because i'm still in shock and i feel guilty although i didn't do anything wrong as i was clueless to all of this. 

[glows]

35 minutes ago, brooks468 said:

I had tried to end it a few times in the past few weeks but he repeatedly added me and messaged me every single day. He added me on christmas night telling me he had a really bad day because he couldnt stop thinking about the fact i didnt speak to him anymore - while literally spending christmas with his girlfriend. 

Did you continue to speak with him after you tried to end it?

Sadly for his girlfriend it’s unlikely this is the last of his shenanigans. Her anger is misplaced as it’s her boyfriend that is the issue. 

You get to walk away relatively unscathed. They are together and suffering their own personal hells in their dysfunctional relationship. Continue to block any contact with either of them and join a different gym.

 

[elaine567]

You knew something was off so you had already tried to end it repeatedly.
You may have been somewhat attached but you were not in really deep.
He sounds a bit of a rotter, so take comfort you sussed him out before he revealed his true colours.
Leave him to sink in his own mire. He created it.

Onwards and upwards...

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Avoid him at the gym. He's a player. Also avoid men who try to pick you up in gyms or bars particularly if all they talk about is that you have a nice body.

This is an excellent lesson in red flags and deal breakers. He is the epitome of men to avoid.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You knew something was off so you had already tried to end it repeatedly.

This. 

OP, you now know you can trust your instincts when something doesn't feel right. His behaviour was inappropriate and manipulative regardless of his relationship status. Your gut was screaming at you that this guy was not good news. In the future, remember that. You were quick to pick up on it. Keep guys like that out of your life and don't let them add you back on whatever social media platforms they're trying to snake their way back onto.

The fact that he's also not even single? He's one of the worst types you could possibly encounter. 

People like him act on their own interests. They don't care who gets hurt in the process, because they care only about themselves. And don't discuss your personal challenges or mental health struggles with a guy you're not dating. It's not the right context to get vulnerable. 

[BaileyB]

Quote

His behaviour was inappropriate and manipulative regardless of his relationship status. 

Absolutely true. Red flags here - 

1. He came on really, really strong. 
2. He told you that he was jealous and didn’t want you talking other men.
3. He didn’t respect your wishes when you tried to end it
4. Surprise - he’s still in another relationship. 

Any of those things are reasons fo end this relationship. Be glad you learned the truth before you got more involved with this guy. 

[Crazelnut]

You've done everything right, so please don't feel badly. The only thing you could've done is block him sooner. Trust your gut -- your instincts were 100% right. I'm sorry you got lied to and hurt. There are still some good men out there, I promise. 

[stillafool]

Did you tell his gf that you had no idea he was in a relationship and if you did you would have left him alone?  She deserves to know what a jerk she's involved with.

[elaine567]

8 hours ago, brooks468 said:

She ended up messaging me and she has blamed me for everything because she thinks i knew that they were still together the entire time.

Agree with Stillafool, do take all  the flak for this.
He is no doubt lying through his teeth to her and blaming you for pursuing him. He threw you under the bus.
Put her straight, you do not owe him anything.

[JRabbit]

Sorry this happened, men like this can smell vulnerable women a mile away.

[spiderowl]

I'm so sorry you found yourself in this situation Brooks.  The guy just outright lied to you.  Some people do this and it's very unfortunate that you accidentally got mixed up with this guy.

You haven't done anything wrong so don't blame yourself.  I assume you let his girlfriend know that he lied to you?  You are under no obligation to message her or anything of course.

I know it will take a while to get over the shock of this blatant deception, but you will and you will be wiser.  Sadly, most of us learn from bitter experience that there are people who can lie to your face.  

You've had a nasty experience and you will know in future what kind of person to avoid.  It is best to have independent evidence of someone's marital status or otherwise - via their friends, family, colleagues.  If they do not introduce you to anyone they know, that can be a red flag.  When the person is available/unavailable to meet is also a sign.

I am sorry.  This guy is likely to be in big trouble at home which serves him right.  It is not fair that he dragged you into his drama. You sound a very decent person.

 

Edited December 31, 2021 by spiderowl