He's Not Ready for a Relationship

[SweetYoungWoman]

Hello. I had posted a question before. It was in regards to how I could tell this guy whom I have been seeing for over a year that I would like to be in a relationship with him (actually the title of my post was "How Do I Tell Him I Want to Be His Girlfriend?"). Anyway, Tony provided some great feedback (thanks, Tony).

 

Anyway, I asked him if there was anyone else that he's involved with and he told me no. So, then I asked him if he and I could have a relationship. His response was "We'll see what the future holds." Then I said to him that if we like each other why wait? Why not give it a try? His response to that was that relationships are hard work, it's better when they develop naturally through friendship, and he has other priorities and is not committed to having a relationship yet. He wants one but is not rushing it because he's had his share of failures, and that hurts way worse than waiting to see what happens.

 

He made some valid points. However, now I don't know what to do, how to feel, or how to act. Part of me thinks and feels that if I really and truly have feelings for him and I care about him that I should be willing to wait as long as it takes. Then another part of me thinks and feels that it is not right for he and I to continue to be somewhat physically intimate (we haven't had sex but we do kiss and cuddle) if we're just having a "friendship". I am sure most people would say that I should just forget about the guy and move on. In a way, I wish that that was easy to do but it's not right now. It's not like the guy doesn't care about me because if he didn't then he wouldn't have been so honest with me.

 

I know that only I can make the decision about this one way or the other - stay or go. Still, I would like to know other people's thoughts.

 

Thanks.

[Maniacal Rationalizer]

Relationships can never be forced. It is great that he is honest with you about his feelings, but I don't believe you are helping yourself spending a lot of time with him.

 

I had a very similar problem several years ago. I was very interested in a girl who, I felt, cared about me, but wasn't interested in getting into a relationship. I went through the exact same thoughts of "Should I just wait?" I spent as much time around her as I could and tried to be very involved in her life. All this caused me was a great amount of sorrow. She didn't love me how I loved her and there was nothing I could do about it. Only when I started to distance myself from her did I start to feel good again.

 

I think you should set some boundaries with this guy. He is not your boyfriend. He has made that very clear. The intimacy you are sharing is being wasted on him. There is no way you can just forget about him, but try to distance yourself from him. You may be able to make a transition to just being his friend, but it is going to be rough for you. It will take some time, but you can do it.

 

I wish you well!

[truth hurts sometimes]

the person before me is so right. this year i had a very similar situation and i was stupid enough to think i could wait it out and change his mind. i kept puttting my heart out there and thinking it was something it wasn't. well, he moved on, which was perfectly allowed b/c we weren't boyfreind/girlfriend, but i got hurt badly by it. not only that, but we are not freinds anymore because of it, and that hurts even more. as much as it will hurt and as hard as it will be, proceed with extreme caution. i do not know the guy and i dont know you, so i won't tell you what to do. like they say, it takes two to tango, and one person loving the other, without it beign reciprocated, just isnt enough to make it work. good luck!!

Relationships can never be forced. It is great that he is honest with you about his feelings, but I don't believe you are helping yourself spending a lot of time with him. I had a very similar problem several years ago. I was very interested in a girl who, I felt, cared about me, but wasn't interested in getting into a relationship. I went through the exact same thoughts of "Should I just wait?" I spent as much time around her as I could and tried to be very involved in her life. All this caused me was a great amount of sorrow. She didn't love me how I loved her and there was nothing I could do about it. Only when I started to distance myself from her did I start to feel good again.

 

I think you should set some boundaries with this guy. He is not your boyfriend. He has made that very clear. The intimacy you are sharing is being wasted on him. There is no way you can just forget about him, but try to distance yourself from him. You may be able to make a transition to just being his friend, but it is going to be rough for you. It will take some time, but you can do it. I wish you well!

[SweetYoungWoman]

I have been struggling with this all day. I appreciate the comments and advice. I am still not sure what I am going to do. Right now I feel that my feelings are too strong for us to even try to continue a friendship. That, in itself, hurts because I don't want to lose his friendship.

the person before me is so right. this year i had a very similar situation and i was stupid enough to think i could wait it out and change his mind. i kept puttting my heart out there and thinking it was something it wasn't. well, he moved on, which was perfectly allowed b/c we weren't boyfreind/girlfriend, but i got hurt badly by it. not only that, but we are not freinds anymore because of it, and that hurts even more. as much as it will hurt and as hard as it will be, proceed with extreme caution. i do not know the guy and i dont know you, so i won't tell you what to do. like they say, it takes two to tango, and one person loving the other, without it beign reciprocated, just isnt enough to make it work. good luck!!

 

[julia]

As much of a sacrafice let it go - hes told you how he feels. Dont make it worse for yourself by hanging around.

 

I went through this and followed the guy everywhere. I was convinced he was going to 'Realise he loved me'. I ended up making a fool out of myself and walked around for a year miserable and heartbroken, I am now happy and have met somwone who feels the same. It will happen when you least expect it.

 

Good luck

I have been struggling with this all day. I appreciate the comments and advice. I am still not sure what I am going to do. Right now I feel that my feelings are too strong for us to even try to continue a friendship. That, in itself, hurts because I don't want to lose his friendship.