He's disappeared again. I want closure.

[Nykikp]

I reconnected with a former lover last year. He is in a long term relationship with a two year old daughter, he said him and his partner were only together for her. 

Our relationship has been on off-again and off -again due to him constantly blocking me and then returning several weeks later. He has never been mean to me, apart from the blocking and not giving me any reason as to why. I know he smokes a lot of weed and assume he was paranoid and felt guilty.

Him and I got together recently and afterwards he told me how amazing it was and he gave me lovely compliments. I woke up the next day to discover he blocked me again.

I have now blocked him too as I can no longer tolerate this behavior. Is this behavior normal in these types of relationships.

I also found out by stalking his partners social media that he has a baby due soon.

I would like closure. How can I recover from this?

Why do I keep thinking I'm the problem, like I did something to turn him off because that is how I feel.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Nykikp said:

I would like closure. How can I recover from this?

You make the decision that you deserve more than this from the man you would chose to be your partner and you end the relationship - that is the closure you give yourself. 

This offering some nice worlds/making some promises/I would assume have a little sex and then blocking you is very manipulative and disrespectful. You should not tolerate it one day more - healthy relationships are not like this in any way…

There is nothing you could have done differently. This is not about you - it’s about him. This is not a man/relationship that you want in your life. He turns up when it’s convenient for him and disappears just as quickly. He lied to you about the baby.  And, I would assume he lies to his wife about you. This is not a man you should trust. 

Edited December 28, 2021 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Nykikp said:

I also found out by stalking his partners social media that he has a baby due soon.I would like closure. 

Sorry this is happening. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. That's closure. This way, you can move forward in peace and meet and date single decent honest men.

[glows]

6 hours ago, Nykikp said:

I reconnected with a former lover last year. He is in a long term relationship with a two year old daughter, he said him and his partner were only together for her. 

Our relationship has been on off-again and off -again due to him constantly blocking me and then returning several weeks later. He has never been mean to me, apart from the blocking and not giving me any reason as to why. I know he smokes a lot of weed and assume he was paranoid and felt guilty.

Him and I got together recently and afterwards he told me how amazing it was and he gave me lovely compliments. I woke up the next day to discover he blocked me again.

I have now blocked him too as I can no longer tolerate this behavior. Is this behavior normal in these types of relationships.

I also found out by stalking his partners social media that he has a baby due soon.

I would like closure. How can I recover from this?

Why do I keep thinking I'm the problem, like I did something to turn him off because that is how I feel.

You’ve blocked him but have you deleted his number? How did you two meet? 

Go back to how you both met. I think you’re seeking closure and trying to understand how any of this came about. It’ll help prevent you from making the same mistakes again. Create better boundaries and stick to them. 

If hot/cold behaviour doesn’t work for you, sidestep that garbage. Look for more consistency in your dating and date single, available individuals.

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, Nykikp said:

I also found out by stalking his partners social media that he has a baby due soon

He is missing the sex and attention from his partner as she is pregnant, so he contacts you.
Once he is satisfied he blocks you in case she finds out.
He is an ex lover so you assume he cares, but he doesn't.
He is just using you like a fwb or worse a free hooker, sorry to say.

[Nykikp]

We met online years ago.

I am concerned about bumping to him in public as I have seen him twice since he blocked me. I hid both times.

I have blocked him on everything. This hot and cold behavior is not for me. 

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Nykikp said:

We met online years ago.

I am concerned about bumping to him in public as I have seen him twice since he blocked me. I hid both times.

I have blocked him on everything. This hot and cold behavior is not for me. 

So you now know your weak spot is communicating online or meeting online. Be more cautious or aware about how you attach to individuals on the internet or via apps. This man is toying with you because you are available. It’s really that simple. When you’re not available these scenarios diminish. Blocking or ridding yourself of his presence is liberation. Think of yourself already finding that closure and half way there. 

I believe closure also includes change within, not only in our behaviours or habits. This is the other half. So now that you’ve blocked him, don’t repeat the same mistakes again. Consider it a promise of supreme kindness to yourself. Have a different intent for the future and carry on. 

If you see him in public have you anything to hide? He can no longer hurt you. Do the sensible thing also and frequent other areas. Where do you usually tend to run into him?

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Nykikp said:

We met online years ago.

I am concerned about bumping to him in public as I have seen him twice since he blocked me. I hid both times.

I have blocked him on everything. This hot and cold behavior is not for me. 

Then why do you continue to see him and have sex with him?  I agree with Elaine, his girl is pregnant and he wanted sex so he contacted you.  After he got what he wanted he put you on block again so you can't reach him.  Basically you're letting him use you.  Block him and don't unblock this time.  

Edited December 28, 2021 by stillafool

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Nykikp said:

I am concerned about bumping to him in public as I have seen him twice since he blocked me. I hid both times.

Excellent you deleted and blocked him from all your social media and messaging apps.

If you happen to run into each other, just avoid the situation, as you did.

Start the new year with a good profile and pics on quality dating apps.

Start talking to and meeting single decent honest men for a coffee.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Nykikp said:

I have blocked him on everything. This hot and cold behavior is not for me. 

Good for you!

Also, the fact that he is in a relationship and expecting a baby with his partner should also not be for you. That’s a hard NO.

[Crazelnut]

"Closure" is a hugely overrated concept, in my opinion. Blocking him everywhere and learning from your mistakes IS your closure. If it makes you feel any better, you aren't the first person to have this happen to them.

[S2B]

11 hours ago, Nykikp said:

We met online years ago.

I am concerned about bumping to him in public as I have seen him twice since he blocked me. I hid both times.

I have blocked him on everything. This hot and cold behavior is not for me. 

when you run into him - you walk right up to him and tell him just what a terrible person he is… no matter who he’s with!

after that don’t communicate with him again! And don’t communicate with him before that either. But don’t be in fear - call him what he is.

only date available men!

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Nykikp said:

I would like closure. How can I recover from this?

You dodged a bullet.

Although an impossibility in physics, in the twisted world of cheating there are two short ends of the stick. One for the lover, one for the betrayed. 

[Nykikp]

Thanks for messages. I'm looking forward to the day he is no longer in my thoughts. I wish I could erase him.

When we first got in touch again he called it off saying it wasn't about me or him but it was his daughter. I respected that and he blocked me. We were only talking at this stage and had not seen each other in years.

However, a few weeks later he saw me in public and liked what he saw so from then onwards I have been on this 🎢.  I wish he would have just admired me from the distance and kept me blocked. 

I don't know why I allowed this to continue for so long. He would always come back with things like 'I had a dream about you last night' or 'Are you at work today, I'm outside your building.' He is very good at busting out compliments he had his hooks in my real good. A lot of future faking and love bombing.

[Lotsgoingon]

There is no closure in a relationship with someone partnered with another person.

Does not exist. And each attempt at closure is just likely to prolong the dysfunctional affair. 

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

There is no closure in a relationship with someone partnered with another person.

Does not exist. And each attempt at closure is just likely to prolong the dysfunctional affair. 

There is simply the decision to let go - to chose better for yourself and let go of the dysfunction. 

 

 

Edited December 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[spiderowl]

On 12/28/2021 at 1:45 AM, Nykikp said:

I reconnected with a former lover last year. He is in a long term relationship with a two year old daughter, he said him and his partner were only together for her. 

Our relationship has been on off-again and off -again due to him constantly blocking me and then returning several weeks later. He has never been mean to me, apart from the blocking and not giving me any reason as to why. I know he smokes a lot of weed and assume he was paranoid and felt guilty.

Him and I got together recently and afterwards he told me how amazing it was and he gave me lovely compliments. I woke up the next day to discover he blocked me again.

I have now blocked him too as I can no longer tolerate this behavior. Is this behavior normal in these types of relationships.

I also found out by stalking his partners social media that he has a baby due soon.

I would like closure. How can I recover from this?

Why do I keep thinking I'm the problem, like I did something to turn him off because that is how I feel.

I don't think you did anything to turn him off; he's just another cheater!  He lied to you to get what he wanted. He was rude and blocked you but still you let him back into your life.  You need to learn that you are worth more than that.  Never let anyone block you and return again.  It goes without saying that getting involved with a married/attached guy is a serious mistake.  He has a child and a settled life with his girlfriend; whatever he said to you, he will always put his family first (though clearly he lies to them too!).

If you are hoping to make sense of his behaviour, you are wasting your time.  He was cheating and hiding you from his girlfriend so he popped in and out of your life when he felt like it.  He was a user.  Your closure will come from accepting that this guy is no good and that whatever he said was all 'sweet nothings' designed to manipulate you.

Please do not waste your energy and love on a user like this.  You need a guy who is going to be there for you, to love you, and who does not cheat and lie.  What made you think it was a good idea to get involved with him at all?  Rather than assuming he is judging you in some way, you should be judging him and kicking him to the kerb.  You need to find your self respect.

 

Edited December 31, 2021 by spiderowl

[ExpatInItaly]

On 12/28/2021 at 2:45 AM, Nykikp said:

Is this behavior normal in these types of relationships.

Yes, it is. 

This is often what affairs look like, because the cheating partner is more interested in protecting their own skin than maintaining anything with their AP. So they disappear when they feel guilty, when their partner starts to become suspicious, when things get too close for comfort. 

A "relationship" like this is never going to be fulfilling, OP. It is best that it's done. 

[Nykikp]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

I don't think you did anything to turn him off; he's just another cheater!  He lied to you to get what he wanted. He was rude and blocked you but still you let him back into your life.  You need to learn that you are worth more than that.  Never let anyone block you and return again.  It goes without saying that getting involved with a married/attached guy is a serious mistake.  He has a child and a settled life with his girlfriend; whatever he said to you, he will always put his family first (though clearly he lies to them too!).

If you are hoping to make sense of his behaviour, you are wasting your time.  He was cheating and hiding you from his girlfriend so he popped in and out of your life when he felt like it.  He was a user.  Your closure will come from accepting that this guy is no good and that whatever he said was all 'sweet nothings' designed to manipulate you.

Please do not waste your energy and love on a user like this.  You need a guy who is going to be there for you, to love you, and who does not cheat and lie.  What made you think it was a good idea to get involved with him at all?What made you think it was a good idea to get involved with him at all?  Rather than assuming he is judging you in some way, you should be judging him and kicking him to the kerb.  You need to find your self respect.

What made you think it was a good idea to get involved with him at all?

Honestly, I don't know. I'm an idiot. I didn't think it was going to escalate this way. I never initiated conversations with him first. He would yo-yo back in and tell me things like "Why can't I resist you?"and, "I'm addicted to you". I did confront him about it at the start and he said it was because he felt bad and that we are not in a position to be doing this.

Thanks for your words though, they have make me feel better.

I'll keep him on block. Tomorrow is a new year! 😀

 

[Nykikp]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, it is. 

This is often what affairs look like, because the cheating partner is more interested in protecting their own skin than maintaining anything with their AP. So they disappear when they feel guilty, when their partner starts to become suspicious, when things get too close for comfort. 

A "relationship" like this is never going to be fulfilling, OP. It is best that it's done. 

It is best that it is done. Right now, I'm hurting. I will see if soon enough.

[Wiseman2]

On 12/28/2021 at 6:21 PM, Nykikp said:

' He is very good at busting out compliments he had his hooks in my real good. A lot of future faking and love bombing.

Send his wife screen shots of his communication with you. That should end it for good. Then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Be careful about falling for compliments and explore your weakness for that.

See your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss any feelings of anxiety, depression,etc.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Discuss your loneliness, isolation and emptiness that led to this void and vulnerability.

Affairs are easy and reguire no effort to maintain. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. 

Ironically by choosing a situation that could never work, it harms you more than being truly open honest and ready for love.

[Nykikp]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Send his wife screen shots of his communication with you. That should end it for good. Then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Be careful about falling for compliments and explore your weakness for that.

See your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss any feelings of anxiety, depression,etc.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Discuss your loneliness, isolation and emptiness that led to this void and vulnerability.

Affairs are easy and reguire no effort to maintain. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. 

Ironically by choosing a situation that could never work, it harms you more than being truly open honest and ready for love.

He's blocked and I no longer have those messages. I have no intention of unblocking him either. He does not belong in my 2022.

I am seeing a therapist although my next appointment is not until the middle of January. She also implied that I cut ties with him myself otherwise this thing of ours could continue for years. 

I have also been to my Dr to get on antidepressants. 

[Nykikp]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Send his wife screen shots of his communication with you. That should end it for good. Then delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Be careful about falling for compliments and explore your weakness for that.

See your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss any feelings of anxiety, depression,etc.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Discuss your loneliness, isolation and emptiness that led to this void and vulnerability.

Affairs are easy and reguire no effort to maintain. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. 

Ironically by choosing a situation that could never work, it harms you more than being truly open honest and ready for love.

He's blocked and I no longer have those messages. I have no intention of unblocking him either. He does not belong in my 2022.

I am seeing a therapist although my next appointment is not until the middle of January. She also implied that I cut ties with him myself otherwise this thing of ours could continue for years. 

I have also been to my Dr to get on antidepressants. 

[stillafool]

On 12/28/2021 at 6:21 PM, Nykikp said:

Thanks for messages. I'm looking forward to the day he is no longer in my thoughts. I wish I could erase him.

When we first got in touch again he called it off saying it wasn't about me or him but it was his daughter. I respected that and he blocked me. We were only talking at this stage and had not seen each other in years.

However, a few weeks later he saw me in public and liked what he saw so from then onwards I have been on this 🎢.  I wish he would have just admired me from the distance and kept me blocked. 

I don't know why I allowed this to continue for so long. He would always come back with things like 'I had a dream about you last night' or 'Are you at work today, I'm outside your building.' He is very good at busting out compliments he had his hooks in my real good. A lot of future faking and love bombing.

Here everything is about what HE did and what He wanted and little to no push back from you.  You are making it sound like you were some weakling who could not think for herself or make her own decisions, only what he wanted and you were at his mercy.  Please take back your power and find your strength.  Believe it or not men don't even respect women who are this weak for them.  I'm glad you are starting therapy in January and I wish you luck.

[spiderowl]

10 hours ago, Nykikp said:

He's blocked and I no longer have those messages. I have no intention of unblocking him either. He does not belong in my 2022.

I am seeing a therapist although my next appointment is not until the middle of January. She also implied that I cut ties with him myself otherwise this thing of ours could continue for years. 

I have also been to my Dr to get on antidepressants. 

I feel for you, OP. Sorry you got involved with this guy. He pursued you and you were confused by his behaviour. People like this try to throw you off balance so that you don’t question their background and motives. You seem a bright person who will learn from this and be all the wiser for it. Don’t blame yourself. We learn from experience xx