Struggling with an amicable 7 year relationship breakup

[burner4040]

So my (24m) boyfriend and i (25f) broke up about 2 months ago after dating for 7 years. We have broken up a couple times through this, but our feelings for each other have never faded, and we got back together.

The last year of our relationship brought up a lot of changes (i got a new job that made me a lot more busy, and perhaps more neglectful of putting the amount of effort needed into continuously working on our relationship), and my boyfriend had also felt that i was not paying as much attention to him. He has struggled with insecurity and possessivness in our relationship and it had become more clear in the last year. He would be more condescending towards me and correct me a lot, it was almost as if he needed to bring me down to bring himself up sometimes. Though being supportive he would at times show jealousy with my new job/hobbies as they became more successful this year and he was in a slight limbo. I have struggled my whole life with communication and healthy confrontation - so i would rarely bring up issues that bothered me. Not bringing these things up led to resentment on my end, as i would hold these things in and be angry without really understanding it, this i believe led me to regress as a partner and he began to do the same. I made him feel quite alone in the ways that he did most of the emotional work in our relationship, and it got to a point that it was painful for both of us to continue fighting, and promising to work on ourselves and change, just to see this cycle continue. It was very draining, and it was going to end up with us hating each other if we didn't do anything about it. These patterns were so concretely defined in our relationship that it was extremely hard to truly change, and we had to lose something to be able to really understand and work on this.  

We broke up in the most loving respectful way anyone could - we were both clear that we were still in love with each other and still are (at least i know that i am),  and have so much love and care for each other. We wanted to preserve our relationship in hopes to better ourselves individually and grow, leaving the door open to possible try again in the future if we both felt the same way in due time. 

Currently, we are still in contact around ~1-2 times a week and are still friendly/sometimes talk like normal, like we're still best friends. We've had some ups and downs in the last 2 months with feelings being hurt by our actions in the breakup, but overall our communication has been better and more vulnerable now that we're not together. I am in therapy, and working hard to understand my flaws and trying to re-wire my brain in these ways, but it is extremely hard to let go of this relationship. I know that breaking up was the right thing to do, but it's so incredibly hard when neither of us wanted this to happen, and neither of us did anything particularly bad that led to the breakup - there are no ill feelings and i almost wish there were.  I miss him so much and want to be with him, but im not sure what to do. It's not that i don't believe i will 'never fall in love again' or 'never find another person to love me', i know that this is possible, i just don't want it. 

The last thing that has been a recent development is that a friend of mine informed me that he was on a dating app (for like a day) - it was filled with pictures i took (some from dates of ours) and it almost made me throw up. I feel like this was a move out of insecurity for an ego boost, but it was hard to have him open up about him really hurting a couple days before, to then the next day him messaging me and being extra nice, extra personal and even flirty. it really hurt, but i feel like it's not my place to say anything about this - especially if he deleted it almost immediately. 

This information however just made me feel like i'm regressing. 

[DKT3]

You guys are awfully young to have been involved for so long already. 

My wife and I were the same, very young. Its extremely difficult to grow up in the same direction that allows for the relationship to also grow.

As far as him being on a dating site after being flirty with you,  I doubt it really had much to do with you at all, or his ego. The truth is you guys broke up, he is trying to move on. 

I suspect you don't want to, you want him to stay in an holding pattern until you're ready to resume the relationship.  If this is the case, you're making a mistake.  

Ask yourself,  are we on the same page? It doesn't sound like you are. 

[stillafool]

30 minutes ago, burner4040 said:

it really hurt, but i feel like it's not my place to say anything about this - especially if he deleted it almost immediately. 

Hi Burner4040,  Welcome to LoveShack.

Frankly Burner it's not your place to say anything about him being on the dating ap because you are no longer his gf but are broken up.  I know it's hard to get used to that fact after being together for so long.  This is why it would be helpful to both of you to go NC if you aren't getting back together soon and from your post it doesn't sound like you are.  He may still have feelings for you but he is going to be attracted to and want to experience other girls.  Trying to be his buddy will be heart wrenching knowing he's dating other girls.  I think it's healthy for you both to date others because you got together at such a young age.

[burner4040]

48 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

You guys are awfully young to have been involved for so long already. 

My wife and I were the same, very young. Its extremely difficult to grow up in the same direction that allows for the relationship to also grow.

As far as him being on a dating site after being flirty with you,  I doubt it really had much to do with you at all, or his ego. The truth is you guys broke up, he is trying to move on. 

I suspect you don't want to, you want him to stay in an holding pattern until you're ready to resume the relationship.  If this is the case, you're making a mistake.  

Ask yourself,  are we on the same page? It doesn't sound like you are. 

Did you and your wife experience anything like this? Obviously she is your wife not your ex, so it seems like you were able to grow together. 

I know that we both have to let go to truly move on and grow - but it doesn't seem like either of us want to completely let go and it's been 2 months. 

[DKT3]

2 hours ago, burner4040 said:

Did you and your wife experience anything like this? Obviously she is your wife not your ex, so it seems like you were able to grow together. 

I know that we both have to let go to truly move on and grow - but it doesn't seem like either of us want to completely let go and it's been 2 months. 

We divorced but have since remarried. 

You don't have to be apart to grow. You just need to respect one another and not take each other granted.  

You won't grow as a couple if your not a couple. And you can't move on if your not moving on. You need to get all in or all out.