No show on Christmas Eve

[mortensorchid]

A few weeks ago I made this new friend through Facebook.  I posted on this in the past but for the sake of redundancy :

In fall I had a dream about this gal I used to know who I will call Jane.  I knew her when I was going to a university in the city about 15 years ago,, she managed the tutoring center and I was tutoring students there.  She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer a few years later.  Unfortunately Jane died about a year ago.  In the fall I had a dream about her and posted on her wall on Facebook- I was at a BBQ in someone's backyard, a car pulled up and she got out.  I woke up thinking she was back but realized she wasn't so I said I missed her.  Her husband who I will call Frank reached out to me and asked how I knew her.  We began chatting.

We went out on a few dates eventually, Frank and I.  We had a talk after a few of them and I said to him that he was a good guy and all but I felt that he was not going to give love to me.  He was still healing from Jane's death, and he agreed to it.  He said that was fine we would just be friends then.  There were some red flags - Jane was his 4th wife.  Yes, 4th.  Won't get into those circumstances but he has been married 4 times.  

I asked if he had plans on Christmas Eve as I was going to have dinner with friends that night and invited him along.  He said he would come and would bring rolls.  I texted him at 2pm saying could he be at my place at 4:30 then I would drive us there.  He waited until 4pm to respond saying "I can't make it have a good time tonight".  I texted back "I hope everything is ok".  No response.  A few days later he texted me "I hope you had a Merry Christmas ".  

I didn't respond to it.  Should I?  I mean that was not good to do that.

[FMW]

Holidays are difficult for people who have lost someone they loved, especially only a year ago.  He might have thought he was up for going with you and your friends, but realized when it actually came time to go that he wasn't.  Is this his first Christmas without her?  

Having a relationship (even if it's mostly platonic) with a recent widower requires patience and understanding.  If you choose to keep him in your life, your expectations will need to be adjusted.  At only one year following her death he's still working through the experience of dealing with her cancer and progressive deterioration, her actual death, and the changes to life as he knew it.  He's not ready or capable of being fully available to anyone else yet, even if he wants to try.     

Yes, it would have been polite to tell you ahead of time that he had changed his mind, but again, maybe he really thought until the last minute that he could handle it.  

There is no reason you have to put yourself in that position if you don't want to, you are under no obligation.  If you don't want to make allowances for him in these types of situations, don't continue the relationship.  Not responding to his text is one way to end it, but in my opinion the better option would be to tell him (in a nice way) the friendship isn't working out for you and then go your separate ways.  

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

He waited until 4pm to respond saying "I can't make it have a good time tonight".  I texted back "I hope everything is ok".  No response.  A few days later he texted me "I hope you had a Merry Christmas ".  

I didn't respond to it.  Should I?  I mean that was not good to do that.

So the word "sorry" didn't feature at all in any of his communications with you?

If this happened to me, I'd respond to him for the sake of politeness. But I'd not make plans to meet up or go anywhere with him again.

[Blind-Sided]

7 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

....  There were some red flags - Jane was his 4th wife.  Yes, 4th.  Won't get into those circumstances but he has been married 4 times.  

...A few days later he texted me "I hope you had a Merry Christmas ".  I didn't respond to it.  Should I?  I mean that was not good to do that.

I remember a post about a guy who was married 4 times.... but you can hardly hold that against him when one was obviously not in his control. (Death)  And, I think in your other thread, I had asked about the situation of the his divorces.  Just because someone was married 4 times doesn't mean he  is a bad guy.  honestly, we are down to 3... and you need to know the detail before throwing the "Flag" label.  (Was there cheating? Was there money issues? was there chemical issues?)

As far as not responding... well... that's not being a good friend... now is it??  This wasn't a date... this is a "Friend" who obviously couldn't make it.   YOU are making more out of it than you should have.  YOU are the one who didn't want to go down the path of a relationship with this guy... so you shouldn't act like he stood you up. 

Text him today, and be a good FRIEND by saying... "Sorry, I must have missed your txt.  Yes, I had a good Christmas, and I hope you did too."

[Johnjohnson2017]

" I was going to have dinner with friends that night and invited him along"

Maybe he didn't feel like meeting your friends that day?

I wouldn't consider it a "no show". It's more of a last minute cancellation.

And it wasn't a date. It was a friends get together. You were going to be with company. he didn't leave you all alone stuck at home with no one.