Having a hard time with this recent break-up of a long term (10 year) relationship.

[onagainoffagain]

My long term partner and I (never married, no kids) recently broke up, just before the holidays started. We both agreed the writing was on the wall for several weeks. We hadn't been seeing each other much and weren't feeling particularly excited to see the other when I would come over to his place. We said that it was the end of year push at work that was making each of us tired.

A bit of history about the on and off again aspect of our relationship. We met in 2010, dated and lived together until around summer 2012, then we broke up. Shortly after that (before I had moved out) we were forced to move in with his parents for six months (long story). We ended up reconciling and lived together again at a new place but ultimately broke up and moved to our own separate places in 2014. One year after that, we were still in close contact (we worked for the same company), and talked about getting back together and eventually did. We dated for a year and I ended up moving in with him. This was in the fall of 2017. It was going well for a while, felt like we both had matured but then the old doubts about our compatibility bubbled to the surface in 2019. 

I went through a depressive episode (career choices not working out, financial concerns) and became despondent in the winter of 2019. I felt I had made poor choices in life and this also included never feeling stable in our relationship. The gulf between us was too wide to overcome and I moved out April 2020, after a break up. We stayed in touch over the summer while I was deep into therapy work, picking up the pieces of my life. This time I moved to a different city, a 30 min drive away from him. I was feeling better about myself, then in December 2020, his mom (whom I was close to) passed away, sadly. That event brought us close together once again and we got back together from January until now. We just ended it on the 24th. 

Ultimately the weight of our relationship mistakes was suffocating me/us. I couldn't convince him to go to couples therapy to work on our issues, which is a shame. I would have liked to have tried. Now I don't know what to do. I am deeply saddened by the loss of contact with my best friend and person I care about most in the world. 

Of course, there's so much in between and details left out to not write a novel here. But after 11 years of knowing someone and being their best friend, people write grand pieces of literature based on much less. It's been less than a week since we called it quits and we've exchanged only three text messages. None of them were about getting back together. In one he apologized for something (again, feels like we apologize for similar things each time we going through a break up cycle). I said I needed time and space. I'm having a hard time with this today but I haven't reached out to him and I normally would have by now. I feel like I have no choice but to move on. 

Thanks for reading this. Maybe others who've had their long term relationships end, could reassure me that it gets better. I feel like the on and off again pattern is one I could easily fall back into with him because there's comfort there. For those who've been in my shoes, how did you break the cycle? I'm also curious did you stay friends with your ex and how did that work out?

Edited December 29, 2021 by onagainoffagain

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Perhaps the relationship itself was frustrating and depressing. See a physician about the depression and continue therapy.

After all this time and all the on/off it sounds like major incompatibilities and unsurmountable chronic issues. It sounds exhausting and life-sucking.

 View this a the start to freedom to be happy and be yourself. 

Rejoice in the new year to improve your life unencumbered by this albatross.

Volunteer. Take classes and courses. Get a side hustle. Join some groups and clubs. Get involved in sports and fitness. 

Get a good profile and pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low key coffee.

 Delete and block him an all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Move forward without all the been-there-tried-that background noise.