Why did he do this? Should I block him?

[carliciaaaa]

Hi. This is something I need to get off my chest and need advice. I am very sorry if this is too long 

I am a postgraduate student at university and since mid September, I noticed a guy (whom I had seen before a few times) staring at me each time he saw me. I was not interested in him at first because he isn't my type so never paid much attention. Until I saw him photocopying and he looked cute. Though I will admit that the whole aura around him was a bit unsettling because I couldn't sleep for days, thinking about how stern/scary his whole demeanor looked while he just stood there, photocopying.

I saw him again while I was going home near the train station and once again, I noticed that he kept staring at me before he turned for the other direction. This whole staring game continued with each time I saw him, whether he was smoking outside or crossing paths with me, he would blatantly stare at me. 

He has no friends at university or he chooses not to speak to anyone as he's always alone, either smoking or sometimes he talks to his fellow coursemates and that's it. One of his coursemates (whom I told that I like him) said that he's already seeing someone and its in early stages of dating/not serious. Then she proceeded to tell me that how she tried to speak to him multiple times but he wouldn't talk to her and at one event, had ignored her whilst speaking to other students.

After hearing this, I dropped the idea of approaching him but his staring continued and he made it explicitly obvious, turning to look, staring at me from across the courtyard etc. I finally thought I would just introduce myself because he was clearly not going to approach me.

When I did approach him, he looked scared at first but later relaxed. Though I noticed that he looked up and down whilst we were talking (around my boobs/bottom area). I asked him if he has any social media and he proceeded to give me his number. I messaged him in 20 mins and he was instantly online. The same day, he looked me up on google as I saw his account on my academia and researchgate as profile visitor to my page. He replied to the message after several hours, saying he will see me in a few days. To add, his Whatsapp last seen was open only to his contacts but he made it public because he had not saved my number. I can attest this as my friend checked and his last seen was visible to her too.

For a week we didn't text. This he was online, on some days disappearing at 6 or 7pm and only coming online the next day.

I finally sent him a message asking if he's free, we can meet up. He replied the next day, late evening saying he's sorry for the late reply and how he's happy to see me for a coffee or drink. We agreed to meet the next day.

The first date itself was pretty nice. Though he wanted to hug me straightaway when I came to see him. We had coffee and he paid for my drink. We talked a lot and it was really nice tbh as both of us shared a lot of common beliefs and values. However, there were a few things he said like :

-I'm olive skinned (half brown half white) but my skintone isn't white and he told me that he loved Brighton during summer as it's a different world there during summer and you are a "bit more brown" with a cheeky smile. He also had a brown girlfriend when he was doing his undergrad.

- we were talking about how going by the sea is calming and relaxing and initially he was like yeah but now it's so cold and windy. Then he suddenly said how his friend has an empty cottage in Wales and he would like to take a break for a week there with me. He asked me three times and I said yes at that time.

- then he also asked me when my birthday was and I told him 29 Dec and he was like mine is on 29 Jan so now you will remember. He asked my age and it turned out that he's 5 years younger than me.

I didn't have any problems and he seemed like he was fine with it too. We finished our date and headed back to campus (he smoked both times, while going to the cafe and returning to campus) and then mentioned that after getting some work done, he ll head over to his female friends house who has a boyfriend. When we were parting , he held me pretty tightly and was looking at me really lovingly. We hugged but I couldn't kiss him because it was our first date of just getting to know each other and I was still hesitant over what our mutual friend had told me that he seeing another girl.

I messaged him directly that I loved seeing him and he replied saying he hopes to see me next week.

I messaged him on Monday and his attitude had changed. He did come to see me twice, giving me really affectionate hugs but his attitude was cold. He changed his Christmas and New Years plans, wasn't talking much and I was really struggling to continue because his actions was appearing like he didn't want to see me romantically because of our age difference (he's 25, I'm 30). I also noticed that whilst I was talking, he was looking at my legs (I was wearing sheer tights). Then he mentioned that he went on a lunch with his female friend on Saturday. We were talking about his nationality and suddenly he pointed across the room towards a girl who was wearing a crop top , saying how she's from his country and how he's not a creep and is only mentioning her because he saw her on the bus with her parents, speaking his language.

I was really struggling to ask him where this was headed as his demeanor was different so by the end of the meeting, he came with me outside when I was leaving, smoked and then hugged me, saying he ll see me in a few days. Based on his attitude, I didn't message him that night.

I did see him leaving the next day and waved at him while I aas chatting with a friend. I messaged him the following day, letting him know of something that happened at uni but he didn't reply. The next week, I asked him if he was free then let me know. He didn't reply but I saw him in person where he first waved and winked at me. Then came over saying he was going to reply and how he's made tea and he's going out for a cigarette.  I told him even he's available then let me know. 

He never replied even though he was continously online and would routinely dissapear in the evening. I didn't message him after that because I felt I didn't want to look needy.

He didn't message me again but still has my number saved in his Whatsapp as I can see his last seen. My friend checked and she can no longer see it. Anyways, I deleted his number and our chats because it made no sense. He could have just said he's busy and will let me know when he's free and never follow it up or just say we can only be friends. But he left me on read and just disappeared.

At this point what should I do? I feel like I was fetished based on his brown comments and then ghosted without any explanation. Should I just block him and forget about this?

I'm not angry or mad  I just feel sad over this as we shared so much in common.

 

Edited December 29, 2021 by carliciaaaa

[stillafool]

Yes you should block him because it seemed that you were the only one making an effort by messaging him first and he barely if ever was first to message you.   Let me ask you - why didn't you ask him if he had a gf since you were told he had one?  I don't think he has a fetish for brown skin but just mentioned it in conversation.  Also by only looking at your breasts and butt he pretty much let you know he was only interested in sex if anything.  I think that is disrespectful.  What should you do?  Stop messaging him and leave him alone because he's not that interested.

[carliciaaaa]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes you should block him because it seemed that you were the only one making an effort by messaging him first and he barely if ever was first to message you.   Let me ask you - why didn't you ask him if he had a gf since you were told he had one?  I don't think he has a fetish for brown skin but just mentioned it in conversation.  Also by only looking at your breasts and butt he pretty much let you know he was only interested in sex if anything.  I think that is disrespectful.  What should you do?  Stop messaging him and leave him alone because he's not that interested.

I haven't messaged him since the last message I sent. I ve left it as it is and deleted his number and chats. What bothers me is him keeping my number. He wasn't clear not polite enough to tell me that he didn't like how things were going. Instead left me on read and never got back. I don't know if he's a narcissist and thats why keeping my number because he obviously didn't like how things were going and snapped out. So when you don't like someone and ghosted them, why keep the number?

He checked me out up and down then went behind the table in front of him. During the 2nd meeting, he did the same, looking at my legs and then at the girl wearing the crop top.

He didn't mention any gf, just female friend whom I am assuming is the one he hooks up with or is in a non exclusive relationship.

Edited December 29, 2021 by carliciaaaa

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, carliciaaaa said:

looking at my legs and then at the girl wearing the crop top.

This is disrespectful and telling you as well as the crop top girl he's only interested in sex.  He probably does have a gf and of course he isn't going to mention her.  He can't pick up girls by telling them he has a gf.  He sounds like he's just looking for sex and not just from you but others too.  He's keeping your number because he can tell by your messaging him that you want him so he will have sex with you when he gets around to it.  If you're just looking for a hook up he's your guy but he isn't interested in a relationship with you.  He may have a problem with the age difference but he will have sex with you.

[carliciaaaa]

13 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is disrespectful and telling you as well as the crop top girl he's only interested in sex.  He probably does have a gf and of course he isn't going to mention her.  He can't pick up girls by telling them he has a gf.  He sounds like he's just looking for sex and not just from you but others too.  He's keeping your number because he can tell by your messaging him that you want him so he will have sex with you when he gets around to it.  If you're just looking for a hook up he's your guy but he isn't interested in a relationship with you.  He may have a problem with the age difference but he will have sex with you.

But I haven't messaged him in 2 almost 3 weeks now. He must have understood that I'm not going to message him anymore because of how he's acted. 

I'm not sure of a exclusive gf because I did have a look at his phone when he was showing me some emails and most guys/girls around mid or early 20s or even 40 year olds have pics of their SO whilst his was the regular screen wallpaper and locks. Even his whatsapp profile is with him in a pose. I'm assuming he has a primary girl whom he sleeps with but is probably unhappy or unsatisfied with her and keeps looking elsewhere.

Its clear that he doesn't want a relationship which is so ironic because when he talks he's like we should do 1 thing at a time, patience is very important, he knows where to draw the line during arguments like he was explaining. So from talks, he seemed wise but then the actions are totally different.

Edited December 30, 2021 by carliciaaaa

[basil67]

You had one date (at your request) and he's gone home and later decided that it didn't work for him.   This should be the end of the story.

[carliciaaaa]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

You had one date (at your request) and he's gone home and later decided that it didn't work for him.   This should be the end of the story.

I clearly wrote we had 2 and that he suggested to meet for coffee. 

Edited December 30, 2021 by carliciaaaa

[basil67]

Sorry, my mistake.

But still, it was just two dates.  It's really important to not get too attached this early.  Thing is, he doesn't owe you anything this early on.   

[carliciaaaa]

10 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Sorry, my mistake.

But still, it was just two dates.  It's really important to not get too attached this early.  Thing is, he doesn't owe you anything this early on.   

I'm not asking if he owes me anything.i clearly wrote that I have deleted everything but he hasn't even he's the one to stop chatting and the shady things he was saying and what I heard about him

That's why I'm asking if I should just block him because him ghosting without even saying anything and still keeping my number is what bothers me.

[basil67]

Yeah block him if it makes you feel better.   He'll clean out his WhatsApp eventually. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, carliciaaaa said:

That's why I'm asking if I should just block him because him ghosting .

Sorry this happened. Your description of him is that of a lecherous creepy racist. So many red flags 🚩.

Yes. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Be polite and friendly but avoid him.

[carliciaaaa]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Your description of him is that of a lecherous creepy racist. So many red flags 🚩.

Yes. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Be polite and friendly but avoid him.

Lecherous creep racist???? Could you please elaborate?

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, carliciaaaa said:

 thinking about how stern/scary his whole demeanor looked.  he looked up and down whilst we were talking around my boobs/bottom area.  I'm olive skinned (half brown half white) but my skintone isn't white and he told me that he loved Brighton during summer as it's a different world there during summer and you are a "bit more brown" with a cheeky smile. 

Your discription of him and his words, actions and attitude is a description of one red flag after the next. It's your description.

Edited December 30, 2021 by Wiseman2

[carliciaaaa]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Your discription of him and his words, actions and attitude is a description of one red flag after the next. It's your description.

Yes qlao whats the issue with the last seen? He made it public just becauae he had not saved  my number and when he saved it, he closed it to contacts only. Why do this? And still keep it? To stalk or make himself seem like he's busy with others? As he's routinely gone after 6 or 7 pm

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, carliciaaaa said:

But I haven't messaged him in 2 almost 3 weeks now.

Has he tried to message you in the last 2 almost 3weeks?  If not, you have your answer and yes you should block him.

[carliciaaaa]

39 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Has he tried to message you in the last 2 almost 3weeks?  If not, you have your answer and yes you should block him.

No he hasn't. And judging by how creepy he is, he won't message on his own unless he's actually a decent guy with some weirdness to him. So I left him.

[stillafool]

46 minutes ago, carliciaaaa said:

Yes qlao whats the issue with the last seen? He made it public just becauae he had not saved  my number and when he saved it, he closed it to contacts only. Why do this? And still keep it? To stalk or make himself seem like he's busy with others? As he's routinely gone after 6 or 7 pm

Who knows the point is he isn't contacting you and could if he wanted to.  It's time to block him and move on but since he's already ghosted you first will it make a difference?

[carliciaaaa]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

Who knows the point is he isn't contacting you and could if he wanted to.  It's time to block him and move on but since he's already ghosted you first will it make a difference?

I dont know if he still keeps a tab on me considering he hasn't removed me from his list. Unless he likes to collect numbers for attention then that's another thing 

[stillafool]

32 minutes ago, carliciaaaa said:

I dont know if he still keeps a tab on me considering he hasn't removed me from his list. Unless he likes to collect numbers for attention then that's another thing 

This is doubtful because if he wanted to know what was up with you he has your contact info.  You should just block him and move on.  It will help you to not look at what he's up to.  Looking will keep him on your mind.

Edited December 30, 2021 by stillafool

[glows]

A lot of people keep numbers on their phone. They just don’t bother to delete. Is this what you’re referring to by him having your number still? 

He’s not interested in dating you. It’s unclear if he’s ever had the intention as you’ve made it very easy for him. The way you’ve described his mannerisms also makes him sound incredibly creepy and disrespectful to you and women in general. 

His words and actions aren’t adding up so don’t worry about this. You’re in the same program or school so keep it civil and give him a wide berth.

[carliciaaaa]

18 minutes ago, glows said:

A lot of people keep numbers on their phone. They just don’t bother to delete. Is this what you’re referring to by him having your number still? 

He’s not interested in dating you. It’s unclear if he’s ever had the intention as you’ve made it very easy for him. The way you’ve described his mannerisms also makes him sound incredibly creepy and disrespectful to you and women in general. 

His words and actions aren’t adding up so don’t worry about this. You’re in the same program or school so keep it civil and give him a wide berth.

Yes like still keeping me on Whatsapp because when he had not added me as a contact, he made his last seen public to everyone. This made me feel like he's manipulative because if he kept his last seen open only to his contacts, he couldn't see when I'm online nor could I see when he was online or how much. Then when he added me, he closed it to his contacts again. That's why it bothered me that when he has no interest and has cut off, just delete and forget it. But he hasn't hence I'm annoyed and want to block.

What do you think he wants or wanted on general ? Simply sex???

And what do you mean by wide berth ? 

Edited December 30, 2021 by carliciaaaa

[stillafool]

18 hours ago, carliciaaaa said:

did see him leaving the next day and waved at him while I aas chatting with a friend. I messaged him the following day, letting him know of something that happened at uni but he didn't reply. The next week, I asked him if he was free then let me know. He didn't reply but I saw him in person where he first waved and winked at me. Then came over saying he was going to reply and how he's made tea and he's going out for a cigarette.  I told him even he's available then let me know. 

He never replied even though he was continously online and would routinely dissapear in the evening. I didn't message him after that because I felt I didn't want to look needy.

He didn't message me again but still has my number saved in his Whatsapp as I can see his last seen. My friend checked and she can no longer see it. Anyways, I deleted his number and our chats because it made no sense. He could have just said he's busy and will let me know when he's free and never follow it up or just say we can only be friends. But he left me on read and just disappeared.

This is all you need to know about him.  He has low to no interest in getting with you.  I don't know if at first he was thinking about sex with you and the age difference turned him off or he has another girl he's involved with and doesn't want to cheat on her; but you did need to block him and stop watching what he's doing.  You can't make him be interested.  Silence is speaking.

Oh, and a wide berth means put a large distance between you and him.

Edited December 30, 2021 by stillafool

[glows]

2 hours ago, carliciaaaa said:

Yes like still keeping me on Whatsapp because when he had not added me as a contact, he made his last seen public to everyone. This made me feel like he's manipulative because if he kept his last seen open only to his contacts, he couldn't see when I'm online nor could I see when he was online or how much. Then when he added me, he closed it to his contacts again. That's why it bothered me that when he has no interest and has cut off, just delete and forget it. But he hasn't hence I'm annoyed and want to block.

What do you think he wants or wanted on general ? Simply sex???

And what do you mean by wide berth ? 

This is translating to a lot of effort in trying to gauge whether a man (or woman) is into you. Try not to do this. Look for a gentleman who asks you out, treats you well and makes the effort to not only communicate with you clearly but consistently. Don’t get sidetracked with this and trying to read his actions which may have nothing to do with you.

For all you know he could have several women on the go or individuals he’s been involved with. Never assume a person’s flakiness is all about you or because he’s a narcissist. Avoid armchair diagnoses and mental health labels especially for someone you have known for a short and brief period.

It’s impossible to know what he wants. And the point is that it doesn’t matter. What YOU want you are not getting so next this guy. You’re a smart woman with a lot to offer. Don’t just throw it on any guy that creepy stares you down or gives you mixed messages.

Edited December 30, 2021 by glows

[carliciaaaa]

39 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is all you need to know about him.  He has low to no interest in getting with you.  I don't know if at first he was thinking about sex with you and the age difference turned him off or he has another girl he's involved with and doesn't want to cheat on her; but you did need to block him and stop watching what he's doing.  You can't make him be interested.  Silence is speaking.

Oh, and a wide berth means put a large distance between you and him.

But he literally went on dates with me and was messaging me, and has my number saved so he's already cheated if he has another girl. Its probably him thinking he can't get sex because after the 2nd time, he stopped hugging me too. 

[carliciaaaa]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

This is translating to a lot of effort in trying to gauge whether a man (or woman) is into you. Try not to do this. Look for a gentleman who asks you out, treats you well and makes the effort to not only communicate with you clearly but consistently. Don’t get sidetracked with this and trying to read his actions which may have nothing to do with you.

For all you know he could have several women on the go or individuals he’s been involved with. Never assume a person’s flakiness is all about you or because he’s a narcissist. Avoid armchair diagnoses and mental health labels especially for someone you have known for a short and brief period.

It’s impossible to know what he wants. And the point is that it doesn’t matter. What YOU want you are not getting so next this guy. You’re a smart woman with a lot to offer. Don’t just throw it on any guy that creepy stares you down or gives you mixed messages.

I ve left it already. I'm just annoyed that he isn't removing me when he's already cut me off. I don't know what to do like whether block or hide my last seen and because he's not my contact anymore, he can't see when I'm online. Hence he will probably get the message that I have removed him and he should do it too if he actually cyber stalks me.