Is she cheating?

[cobrakai]

First time posting here and looking for advice and unbiased views. Quite a long story so will try to be as brief as possible.

 

January 2021 I was working away from home training for my new job and coming home at weekends. My wife started to watch a show on Netflix where some of the couples were indulging in threesomes. She said she found this a turn on and suggested that it should be something we could maybe try. Me, her and another female. I wasn't too keen in the idea but said I'd think about it. We never really discussed this in great detail as unfortunately she became poorly with depression and seizures from her epilepsy so was spending time in and out of hospital.

 

When she became better we never raised the possibility of a threesome again until she mentioned that she'd spoken to her friend about sleeping with me and her watching. I thought this to be quite strange as my wife has always been quite the possessive and jealous type. She asked if I'd like to and again I said I'd think about it. One night I came home from work and she told me she had sent a dick pic to her friend on snapchat. I was quite surprised that she had done this and quite mortified and slightly embarrassed. The thing that got me thinking was that her friend asked of it was a picture of me. My wife told me this.

 

As I thought more about what her friend had said I started to wonder why she would query if it was me. I knew my wife was talking a lot on snapchat with my 'best friend' as she would tell me. This started to make me feel really paranoid as I started to notice her presence on there in the early hours and late at night. Not letting her phone out of her sight which was unusual behaviour for her. This continued for a number of months and she kept pushing at the possibility of me and her friend getting it on. I kept saying I didn't feel like it. She then said about maybe joining a swinging club or maybe explore the possibility of having an open relationship. I just couldn't help but think that she was urging me to sleep with someone else so she could use it as an excuse to get with my friend.

 

There has been a history between them from 2015 when I found out they were sharing intimate chat and some images. She insisted it was banter on her part and agreed that it would stop. We managed to rebuild a friendship with him and his wife a number of years later.

 

Anyway in October this year my wife and her friend had a fall out over a trivial matter about them meeting up for a meal and her friend wanted to bring another friend along. My wife got really upset at this and decided not to meet. My wife tried to rekindle their friendship and they got into an argument via whatsapp whilst I was at work. I only knew of this when my wife sent me a number of messages pleading for me to call her when I got a chance. I thought this was an emergency so called her back. All she wanted was to tell me about her argument and asked me to block her friend on all channels as she's worried that she may stir things up.

 

A month later in early November my curiosity got the better of me and my gut instincts were telling me that I should talk to her friend. Basically her friend confirmed what I was thinking. She told me that my wife only wanted to sleep with her so it could be used against me in the future so she could go with him, that when we've stayed over they've both been downstairs whilst me and his wife were still sleeping and touched each other. She said my wife didn't love me anymore and loved him and even spoke to him about whether they could work. He said no but he would like to have a physical relationship to which she apparently got excited about.

 

I challenged my wife about how I was feeling, what her old friend had said and also how it looks. She denied it but I'm struggling to believe her. We've not had much opportunity to discuss as this has bought her depression and seizures back.

 

I'm not sure what to do.

 

Thanks.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening . Hopefully your wife has excellent treatment for the seizure disorders and depression from her physicians.

Delete and block this couple from all your social media and messaging apps. Stop hanging out with them.

It's unclear if she's fantasizing, still suffering from mental illness or if this friend is truthful about their alleged encounter.

Does your wife go to therapy to address the depression and adjustment to the seizure disorders?

Does she drink heavily or have drug dependence issues?

Request seeing a marriage counselor. Try to get the truth and the cards on the table in the safety, confidentiality and neutrality in a qualified therapist's office.

With the guidance of a professional, perhaps you can start to unravel fact from fiction and get to the root of these marital problems.

Why is your wife sending dickpics of you to this couple?

[cobrakai]

Excellent treatment for the epilepsy and undergoing treatment for the mental health. 

No drink or drug dependency.

Can't think why her behaviour is so erratic and have thought about suggesting couple therapy.  I believe a viewpoint from a trained impartial vantage point may help us to understand each other better.

Thanks.

[mark clemson]

10 hours ago, cobrakai said:

A month later in early November my curiosity got the better of me and my gut instincts were telling me that I should talk to her friend. Basically her friend confirmed what I was thinking. She told me that my wife only wanted to sleep with her so it could be used against me in the future so she could go with him, that when we've stayed over they've both been downstairs whilst me and his wife were still sleeping and touched each other. She said my wife didn't love me anymore and loved him and even spoke to him about whether they could work. He said no but he would like to have a physical relationship to which she apparently got excited about.

While perhaps an unusual approach, this does sound at least plausible, unfortunately. From everything you write sounds like your wife MAY have developed a serious romantic interest in this guy. On the surface it sounds like she may have tried to "win" or at least sleep with this guy via the method described above.

Whether more than that happened is very difficult to know. "Where there's smoke, there's fire" as they say, but how much fire, if any (beyond what the friend presumably honestly indicated) is a question that is a lot harder to answer. Sometimes a fire that never really gets going generates a lot of smoke.

You could consider asking your wife directly whether she wants to stay with you and if so, why did this happen. Counseling and/or marriage counseling also might be a reasonable idea.

Edited December 30, 2021 by mark clemson

[Just a Guy]

Hi Cobra, sorry to hear of your situation. Actually, considering that your wife suffers from epilepsy it is surprising that she would be thinking of having an affair/ ditching you in favour of someone else. Also the fact that she suffers from bouts of depression lead me to surmise as to whether she suffers from Bi Polar disorder. People, especially some women who have this disorder, have a tendency to toward promiscuous behaviour which can vary in intensity and your wife may be a victim of this. It may be worth asking her physician(if that is legally allowed) as to whether this is at all possible. You could also carry out an internet research on your own to ascertain if such a possibility exists. I do wish you all the very best going forward and hope that you and your wife are able to unravel the problem. You owe it to yourselves. Warm regards.