Ending friendship

[Supernova11]

I have a friend who has been a really good friend to me for many years but recently I have felt like I am drifting from her and I have no interest in staying in contact. I have felt this way for about four months.

She has done a few things that are a bit rubbish but I wouldn’t end the friendship over those, I feel that my feelings have simply changed.

I’ve been trying to fade it out and she hasn’t taken the hint. I know she will want to meet up again soon and the only thing I can think of doing is going to a coffee shop (neutral territory) and telling her there. Thing is, I think it will just be awful. If she asks for hard and fast reasons why, I can’t give any, I just feel different. And then what happens? I tell her and we both get up and leave? The truth is that when I look at how I spend my time, it no longer serves me to spend it with her which I suppose does show that my priorities have changed but I can’t tell her that! I know its harsh but being honest.

Can any one advise?I’ve been trawling the internet for magical solutions and unsurprisingly not found any 😬

Edited December 30, 2021 by Supernova11
More info

[glows]

Gauging from your post you've already made up your mind to let go of the friendship so I won't ask what the rubbish things were that she did. 

Let go by declining social events and invitations. Mention you have something else you have to go to (no details). It's not necessary providing reasons for ending a friendship at a coffee shop. Please avoid this. It's too dramatic. 

That you have suggested this method makes me wonder if you carry heavy guilt and aren't ready to let go of the friendship. Why not do nothing and let things be for awhile. 

Focus on your other ongoings and pay less attention to this. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Supernova11 said:

the only thing I can think of doing is going to a coffee shop (neutral territory) and telling her there. Thing is, I think it will just be awful. If she asks for hard and fast reasons why, I can’t give any, I just feel different.

Avoid a breakup talk or confrontation. Just slow fade. Be very busy with your friends, family, work, hobbies and other things. There's no need to tell her anything.

[Supernova11]

I appreciate both your answers, but isn’t it going to be extra hurtful if each time she contacts me I am never free.  We have been close friends so she will be really confused that I can’t put aside any time for her at all. Also an aside, we live in the same area  and bump into each other from time to time.  

[glows]

7 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

I appreciate both your answers, but isn’t it going to be extra hurtful if each time she contacts me I am never free.  We have been close friends so she will be really confused that I can’t put aside any time for her at all. Also an aside, we live in the same area  and bump into each other from time to time.  

Have you considered that perhaps you're feeling overwhelmed and not actually wanting to let go of this friendship?

If so, it's ok to feel that way. Practice better boundaries. Learn to say no. Take a time out and breather.

 

[Supernova11]

No, I definitely want to let go but I feel overwhelmed and guilty because I’ve been feeling this way for a while and I haven’t communicated any of it, been looking like I’m enthused in our conversations etc but actually I’ve just been ‘doing my bit’ to look like I’m still interested because I couldn’t bear to say “I’m not feeling this anymore and its not your fault”. The other thing is, if I search a bit inside,  I don’t want to be hated for gradually fading out the friendship, as I’ve treated her well to this point. Then again, a full on convo isn’t probably going to make her like me either.

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

Then again, a full on convo isn’t probably going to make her like me either.

No, you're right. It isn't. I didn't want to mention that right away because I figured you would realize this too. Consider also that she isn't happy with this nice nice pretend thing going on that isn't really working out. 

I'd also ponder what "treating someone well" means if you're wishing all this time you'd rather be elsewhere.. 

I think there are different ways of going about this. Most of all you will have to make peace with letting her go and moving on. Don't have any hard feelings towards one another. It's ok to let go. 

if she does ask you why you are avoiding her, I would mention that you both have differences in opinion and you'd like some privacy and respect. This is about maintaining some boundaries also especially if she has crossed those in the past (referring to the rubbish things she's done in the first post).

Edited December 30, 2021 by glows

[Supernova11]

Rubbish things are only a few times she has cancelled last minute a few times and it was hard to know if they were genuine or not but they don’t really matter because I still don’t feel connection regardless and she has done a lot of cool things that would outweigh them. She is generally not flakey

Edited December 30, 2021 by Supernova11
Extra info

[glows]

57 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

Rubbish things are only a few times she has cancelled last minute a few times and it was hard to know if they were genuine or not but they don’t really matter because I still don’t feel connection regardless and she has done a lot of cool things that would outweigh them. She is generally not flakey

By connection do you mean that you've lost any interest in her life? If so don't feel guilty. When in doubt just do nothing and let things unfold naturally. Both of you sound like you're at a natural fork in the road and going about living your lives. 

[JDam]

Ok, Im probably the only one who thinks differently here. If you two have been close friends and she has not done anything awful to you, and you two have been talking a lot lately but you have not had the courage to tell her how you feel, I think the least you can do is to tell her. Otherwise its just that cowardly ghosting which I absolutely despise. I have been in this situation and believe me it just feels absolutely awful. I have been let down by my “best” friend in a situation when I was absolutely miserable, all she did was to stop talking to me, for absolutely no apparent reason. Believe me its absolutely awful and I would never forgive her today.

Edited January 1, 2022 by JDam

[ShyViolet]

I do not think you should meet up with her just to tell her you aren't interested in being friends anymore.  That would just be very awkward and make it way worse.  If she's not getting the hint then bluntly tell her either via text or in a phone call.  You need to be direct about it, don't let her guilt you with her endless questions and demands for reasons why.  Make it short and to the point and then remove yourself from the situation.  You have a right to end relationships that no longer work for you.

[Foxhall]

On 12/30/2021 at 6:50 PM, Supernova11 said:

have a friend who has been a really good friend to me for many years but recently I have felt like I am drifting from her and I have no interest in staying in contact.

I find this type of thread particularly interesting, as it was this type of situation what first brought me to the forum,

I suppose having been on the receiving end of it myself,

how better could the other person have handled it,

I think maybe meet up and mention that you are taking a break from a few people for a while as you want to concentrate on a few of your own projects,

I would caution against a type of dramatic "I want to completely end your friendship" I think that is very unfair to your former friend especially as you state she has been " a really good friend"

try to be diplomatic and break away gently.

 

 

[Supernova11]

Just wanted to say thanks to everyones help so far. Since I last posted, she has text me twice asking to meet up and both times I’ve legitimately already been busy but if she texts me to ‘get a date in the diary’ which may well happen, I feel like I’ve got two routes, I can either say “sorry I don’t want to plan anything right now things are really busy” and keep it vague which I think will hurt her and might even lead to an ‘are you avoiding me’ text or I can be more direct and say something like ‘I really appreciate your efforts to meet but I feel like we’ve been drifting for a while and I don’t feel that excitement that I used to about meeting up.  I wanted to tell you in person but was worried it would come out wrong. I’m working additional hours now and my mum is getting worse so I need to see her more, and when I do get some time, I naturally feel I’m gravitating towards other friends. You have not done anything wrong, you have been a good friend but I am feeling more drawn to meet up with other people.’

@JDam @Foxhall You see, when I start being honest, it turns into a natural break up text…and if I said that in person…😬 What do you think about that kind of text?

 

Help anyone…???!!

Edited January 3, 2022 by Supernova11
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[Wiseman2]

It seems like you would prefer an in person confrontation in order to give her a piece of your mind.

That doesn't seem necessary. If she's a clinger, just be busy. 

[Supernova11]

@Wiseman2 no quite the opposite! It would be great if I could send her a text and she would understand. I just don’t want to lead her on with her keep wondering why I’ve gone distant and suddenly ‘busy’. I am sure she will drop me a text saying ‘I’m sorry you’re so busy but I would really like to see you. Give me some dates when you’re free so we can get together.’ What do you think of my text, how would you feel if you got that?

‘I really appreciate  your efforts to meet but I feel like we’ve been drifting for a while and Idon’t feel that excitement that I used to about meeting up.  I wanted to tell you in person but was worried it would come out wrong. I’m working additional hours now and my mum is getting worse so I need to see her more, and when I do get sometime, I naturally feel I’m gravitating towards other friends. You have not done anything wrong, you have been a good friend but I am feeling more drawn to meet up with other people.’

Edited January 3, 2022 by Supernova11
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[JDam]

I would go for the second option and I think the text is well written. I have been in the situation of your friend and I would have appreciated more honesty from her. My situation was a bit different because until our break up it was mostly her who initiated our meetings so when she stopped talking to me after I talked to her to tell her what happened between me and my ex (we were fwb and after I wanted clarification, he said I was pushing him) I was really surprised. Of course in my situation, after I was devastated by the break up with my ex/fwb, she made it worse by not replying to my texts (she only said she is feeling pressured by my questions). After I texted her to apologize (even though I did nothing wrong, I was just upset by the break up and vented), she said she is being stressed out by her life and family and that she cant play the role of a support type of friend, at least not now. Yet every single day she posts on fcb about her outings, travels etc. To which I replied Im there for her if she needs help. Well, she has been ghosting me since then (July). For me the friendship is over and honestly she pissed me off because she 1) made the situation unnecessarily worse when I was miserable, 2) ghosted, 3) I think her reasons and just dishonest because I never pushed her or put unreasonable emotional baggage on her. Also, she has ghosted me before. And it was always when I was successful at something or something major worked out for me. I think she has issues of her own and Im glad she is no longer in my life.

So back to your situation, I would send her the text and tell her how you feel. I think the first option will only lead to her confusion and hurt feelings which is a shame if she did not do anything to you

Edited January 3, 2022 by JDam

[glows]

17 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

@Wiseman2 no quite the opposite! It would be great if I could send her a text and she would understand. I just don’t want to lead her on with her keep wondering why I’ve gone distant and suddenly ‘busy’. I am sure she will drop me a text saying ‘I’m sorry you’re so busy but I would really like to see you. Give me some dates when you’re free so we can get together.’ What do you think of my text, how would you feel if you got that?

‘I really appreciate  your efforts to meet but I feel like we’ve been drifting for a while and Idon’t feel that excitement that I used to about meeting up.  I wanted to tell you in person but was worried it would come out wrong. I’m working additional hours now and my mum is getting worse so I need to see her more, and when I do get sometime, I naturally feel I’m gravitating towards other friends. You have not done anything wrong, you have been a good friend but I am feeling more drawn to meet up with other people.’

This is very hurtful, imo. You’re basically spelling it out for her that you have chosen to be around others instead of her so not only are you not THAT busy, you prefer other company. 

Unless there is some cognitive issue or impairment understanding social cues I don’t feel this level of detail is necessary. 

I’d mention that you’re busy and feeling overwhelmed with family matters. Let things drift for awhile. You seem to have a very all or nothing approach to friendships. This may mean you’re regularly put in this position whenever you don’t like someone. 

I’d also question the belief in whether she depends on you that heavily at all either. You may be assuming she cares deeply even though her actions in the past suggest she’s the one distancing herself from you. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

@Wiseman2 I really appreciate  your efforts to meet but I feel like we’ve been drifting for a while and Idon’t feel that excitement that I used to about meeting up.  I wanted to tell you in person but was worried it would come out wrong. I’m working additional hours now and my mum is getting worse so I need to see her more, and when I do get sometime, I naturally feel I’m gravitating towards other friends. You have not done anything wrong, you have been a good friend but I am feeling more drawn to meet up with other people.’

This seems over the top. There's too much over explaining to the point of being insulting. It's not a divorce. You don't need this extensive dissertation to explain dissolving a friendship.

Besides sending something this condescending rules out that you could be acquaintances. Relax. Her world doesn't revolve around you so don't set out to insult her this.

[stillafool]

This is what I do when I don't want to be bothered anymore.  I just tell them "I'm going through something right now and I really need my space.  I will get back to you when I'm in a better head space.  Hope you understand".  That's it.  Then I don't respond anymore.

[Foxhall]

4 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

‘I really appreciate  your efforts to meet but I feel like we’ve been drifting for a while and Idon’t feel that excitement that I used to about meeting up.

Well I dont like that one- be kind!! that seems very blunt for an established friend- but then again Im a softie really at heart.

Its tricky enough I guess, 

what I mentioned earlier, more recently I have had the reverse situation where I find a new friend to be something of a pest in a way,

that I need to keep him at arms length rather than getting in on me too much,

I agree to a short meet for an hour or something, but then tend to be away or busy if he suggests anything else,

Perhaps as stillafool suggests there- that may be the best approach.

 

 

 

[Supernova11]

Thanks everyone. What I’m taking home from this is that if I’m honest with her, I will hurt her. There is no way to be honest and be kind. @Foxhall if I meet up with her to tell her I’m taking a break from a few people and a focus on a few projects I think that would go down badly too, what are these projects and why would she be one of the few people that I was taking a break from. I’ve realised meeting up has the potential to go very wrong and its best just not to.

So if she contacts me again, I’ll go down the route of @stillafool. A lot of the reason I’m thinking about this so much is selfish. I know we will bump into each other at some point, I know it will be awkward but I’ve realised being busy texts finished with a stillafool text is probably the least hurtful way to deal with it and that its not the end of the world. I am usually a very straight (honest) person but I’ve realised in this situation its not a good idea.

[JDam]

1 hour ago, Supernova11 said:

Thanks everyone. What I’m taking home from this is that if I’m honest with her, I will hurt her. There is no way to be honest and be kind. @Foxhall if I meet up with her to tell her I’m taking a break from a few people and a focus on a few projects I think that would go down badly too, what are these projects and why would she be one of the few people that I was taking a break from. I’ve realised meeting up has the potential to go very wrong and its best just not to.

So if she contacts me again, I’ll go down the route of @stillafool. A lot of the reason I’m thinking about this so much is selfish. I know we will bump into each other at some point, I know it will be awkward but I’ve realised being busy texts finished with a stillafool text is probably the least hurtful way to deal with it and that its not the end of the world. I am usually a very straight (honest) person but I’ve realised in this situation its not a good idea.

Well, you see each of us has a different opinion here  what others perceive as hurtful or even disrespectful I consider honest and ok. We are all different  

however, unless she lacks any sort of emotional intelligence, I think she will understand that the reasons for the break up are different.. I sort of got a similar message from my former best friend and I know it was all a lie and that the reasons are just different. 
 

i hooe it all goes well!

Edited January 3, 2022 by JDam
Typos

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

A lot of the reason I’m thinking about this so much is selfish. I know we will bump into each other at some point, I know it will be awkward but I’ve realised being busy 

 It's ok to find that middle ground between ghosting or snubbing which is not good and long-winded breakup talks which is also not good.

The best is to step back, be sincerely busy and play things by ear but slowly let things die down. There's no need to burn bridges  if you tend to run into each other. 

In your mind, just shift this to the acquaintance-zone.

[ASG]

I second the slow fade. 

Be busy, don't engage much. Eventually your friend will take the hint and stop trying to invite you out. 

Telling her you don't want to be friends anymore is a bit too dramatic and hurtful

[olivia33]

Be very busy with your friends, family, work, hobbies and other things. There's no need to tell her anything.