Ending friendship

[josi334]

I really didn't want to be in your shoes. When she asks you to meet again, I would say " I am sorry but I am not feeling a friendship connection with you anymore. I still think you a great person and someone else will appreciate your friendship. Thank you for having been a good friend for all these years". And if she asks any questions about it just responds kindly to her. It surely won't feel good to be rejected without specific reasons.

[Taramere]

On 12/30/2021 at 6:50 PM, Supernova11 said:

I have a friend who has been a really good friend to me for many years but recently I have felt like I am drifting from her and I have no interest in staying in contact. I have felt this way for about four months.

She has done a few things that are a bit rubbish but I wouldn’t end the friendship over those, I feel that my feelings have simply changed.

I’ve been trying to fade it out and she hasn’t taken the hint. I know she will want to meet up again soon and the only thing I can think of doing is going to a coffee shop (neutral territory) and telling her there. Thing is, I think it will just be awful. If she asks for hard and fast reasons why, I can’t give any, I just feel different. And then what happens? I tell her and we both get up and leave? The truth is that when I look at how I spend my time, it no longer serves me to spend it with her which I suppose does show that my priorities have changed but I can’t tell her that! I know its harsh but being honest.

Can any one advise?I’ve been trawling the internet for magical solutions and unsurprisingly not found any 😬

I'm not surprised you haven't found any magical solutions.  It's one thing to end a romantic relationship, given how intense romantic relationships are - but friendships tend to be far lower maintenance.  The intensity and closeness you have in your teens and twenties goes as you get older, maybe there's not so much common ground, but you can still retain ties.  Those friends become something like family members who you might not see very often, but who are nonetheless a meaningful part of your life story.   Lots of people out there have friends they only see occasionally.  During some phases in your life you might have pretty much nothing in common with your closest childhood friend, and meeting up for coffee can feel like a bit of a duty rather than a pleasure.  Other times you'll suddenly find you're both in a similar frame of mind and connecting very well again.  

I recall a friend of mine "A" dropped one of our mutual friends B in a way I found very callous.  A had a baby, B sent gifts - and A sent these gifts back with a note saying she didn't want to be friends any longer.  I remember her telling me about it, and she seemed to think I'd understand why she didn't want to be friends with B...but I didn't understand it.  B had done nothing wrong.  Then, dreadfully, B contacted me and asked if we could meet for lunch.  I knew what it would be about.  She couldn't understand why our mutual friend had dumped her in this way and wanted answers.  I couldn't give her any, because I didn't understand it either.  There hadn't been a disagreement or a falling out.  B could understand that A had moved into a different phase of her life and that their friendship couldn't be so close any more - but she couldn't understand why A wanted to totally eliminate her from her life like some sort of cancerous tumour.

I lost trust in A after that.  I started to see her as a shallow, fairweather sort of friend who would pick up and drop other depending on her mood, whether they were convenient, fitted in with her etc.  I decided to distance myself before I too received some bizarre "I don't want to be your friend any more" letter from her.  

Sometimes meeting a friend for coffee is more of a downer than an uplifting thing - especially if they're not in a great place.  Sometimes we're the one who is a downer for others, and at times like that we're very grateful for the loyal friends who'll be there for us at times when they more fickle friends don't want us dragging their mood down.  In short, friendship isn't always fun.  We don't necessarily feel a great connection with some friends every time we meet.  But knocking a friendship on the head is a very big deal, and personally I don't think you do it unless that friend has treated you (or somebody else you care about) in a way that you find wholly unacceptable, and that you've come to believe is in part of their character.

I'm sorry that isn't the non-judgemental, understanding sort of answer you're looking for...but again, I think there's a reason you're not finding any answers out there that are helping you.  Ditching a good friend who has been there for you in all sorts of ways in the past isn't generally a great nor particularly wise thing to do, regardless of what clickbait "ditch the deadwood" magazine articles say to the contrary..  And if you do decide you're going to go ahead and do it, be prepared for other friends starting to question/doubt their own friendships with you.  I'm not trying to bash you here...I'm just saying I think there are sound reasons that despite your searches, you're unable to find satisfactory answers on the internet to this dilemma you're experiencing.

Edited January 8, 2022 by Taramere

[Cali Lisa]

On 12/31/2021 at 9:00 AM, Supernova11 said:

I appreciate both your answers, but isn’t it going to be extra hurtful if each time she contacts me I am never free.  We have been close friends so she will be really confused that I can’t put aside any time for her at all. Also an aside, we live in the same area  and bump into each other from time to time.  

I agree. You want to do it the honest way. And if some deeper conversation ensues, maybe it will be for the better, one way or another. I admire your courage, sincerity and integrity. Just don't allow it to turn it into a fight if she becomes upset. Consider that she might respond in many different ways. Are you prepared to answer the hard questions like: why am I not fitting in your new life goals? What changed? How am I inhibiting you? How is my presence harming you? What about the good old times? What about this and that, and when I saved your life and gave you my kidney...?

Can you look her in the eye, be 100% honest and answer questions about why she has to be excluded? Because if not, perhaps it'd be better to mail her a handwritten letter to show respect but a firm decision that "this is not a topic for discussion, it is my decision." However, if you are not sure you want the friendship to end then it is wise that you want to discuss the termination. I think it's more fair than ignoring her. You said you tried and she didn't get the hint, so I agree, you are not going to turn into a mean person just to avoid her - you can tell her the truth kindly. Good job!

Edited January 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Supernova11]

8 hours ago, Taramere said:

I'm not surprised you haven't found any magical solutions.  It's one thing to end a romantic relationship, given how intense romantic relationships are - but friendships tend to be far lower maintenance.  

I really appreciate your message and don’t see it as judgemental at all, just trying to help.

I agree friendships tend to be far lower maintenance , here is our friendship scenario - to give you context, this is a good friend who I meet once or twice a month, we’re both in our forties, we’re both single, neither of us have kids so where a lot of people have family commitments around this time, we don’t. We can walk to each others houses in about 15 minutes and text each other to ask if we can pop over for a cup of tea impromptu. Most importantly, we used to always have a date in the diary to meet up until I started being ‘busy’ all the time and I realised I haven’t mentioned this before and this is probably why it feels so cruel.

However, its been 7 days since her last text invite to meet up - I was genuinely busy so couldn’t go.  I am wondering whether she has realised that I don’t want to meet up and the contact has been dropped. I told her in one of my other texts that I was really busy and couldn’t make plans. The thing is, I have been really busy in the past and I have always managed to make plans with her. This is why I feel cruel, I think deep down she will know I’m not being honest. The real reason I don’t want to meet up with her is that I don’t enjoy her company anymore and even if I am at home of an evening, I would rather spend that time doing homebody stuff like watching a series, practicing spanish or just catching up on housework even.

[Taramere]

16 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

 The thing is, I have been really busy in the past and I have always managed to make plans with her. This is why I feel cruel, I think deep down she will know I’m not being honest. The real reason I don’t want to meet up with her is that I don’t enjoy her company anymore and even if I am at home of an evening, I would rather spend that time doing homebody stuff like watching a series, practicing spanish or just catching up on housework even.

I still think just fading on her is better.  While friends falling out isn't an unusual thing, I do think it's pretty unusual for one friend to give another a message that amounts to "I don't enjoy your company any more, and no longer want us to be friends."  Unusual enough that anybody on the receiving end of it would likely be left wondering "WTF?"  Fading out, while it might seem less honest, is far more normal.   Things might change in the future in a way that helps the two of you connect more positively again, but if you knock the friendship on the head then you cancel out the possibility of that happening.  And since this is somebody who has been a good friend to you for years, it's difficult to see a positive angle to formally severing ties in the way you're thinking.   

If the usual routine has been seeing her twice a month, I'd cut it down to once a month or less - and make it time limited.  Maybe combine seeing her with some other activity like going to the gym.  See if the phase of not particularly enjoying her company passes...and if it doesn't, maybe she'll start fading on you too.  I just really wouldn't advocate some "our friendship is over speech" when there isn't any actual bad behaviour involved.  I've seen how upsetting something like that can be to people on the receiving end of it, and I don't think it's the "kinder in the long term" approach you might think.

[salparadise]

On 12/30/2021 at 1:50 PM, Supernova11 said:

I’ve been trying to fade it out and she hasn’t taken the hint. I know she will want to meet up again soon and the only thing I can think of doing is going to a coffee shop (neutral territory) and telling her there. Thing is, I think it will just be awful. If she asks for hard and fast reasons why, I can’t give any, I just feel different. And then what happens? I tell her and we both get up and leave? The truth is that when I look at how I spend my time, it no longer serves me to spend it with her which I suppose does show that my priorities have changed but I can’t tell her that! I know its harsh but being honest.

If there has been no serious betrayal or blowup I'd suggest you just cool it off rather than pronouncing the end. Friendships are valuable even if you're not getting whatever it is you expect from it. Circumstances change (and feelings) over time and people come into your life and fade out –– you don't need a hard breakup as you would if you were dating. I live in the area where I grew up and have probably hundreds of friends that I respect and think well of (some more than others, obviously), but don't currently have enough in common with to devote time to. If one of them were to call and need a favor, I'd be there for them and I'm sure they would for me as well. They're sort of dormant, or back burner friendships. It's quite normal here, and I expect anywhere where people have had a lot of associations over the years. If I were you I'd just fade out by reducing the frequency of interaction. It's generally not wise to burn bridges.

[salparadise]

Have you done some introspection and asked yourself what it is that you're not getting from this friendship that you previously were? Am I sensing mild resentment on your part, and if so why? Have your needs changed, have her's, or has she tried to change the terms?

[Noproblem]

On 1/1/2022 at 10:20 AM, JDam said:

Ok, Im probably the only one who thinks differently here. If you two have been close friends and she has not done anything awful to you, and you two have been talking a lot lately but you have not had the courage to tell her how you feel, I think the least you can do is to tell her. Otherwise its just that cowardly ghosting which I absolutely despise. I have been in this situation and believe me it just feels absolutely awful. I have been let down by my “best” friend in a situation when I was absolutely miserable, all she did was to stop talking to me, for absolutely no apparent reason. Believe me its absolutely awful and I would never forgive her today.

it's more awful when she takes her to a coffee shop and look her in the eyes and tells her

"You know what, I don't want you in my life anymore!'

Edited January 12, 2022 by Noproblem

[Supernova11]

On 1/9/2022 at 3:01 PM, salparadise said:

Have you done some introspection and asked yourself what it is that you're not getting from this friendship that you previously were? Am I sensing mild resentment on your part, and if so why? Have your needs changed, have her's, or has she tried to change the terms?

I’ve taken some time out to think about this and a few things have come up.

A few years ago, a mutual friend of ours said to me that he found her irritating and needy. I told him I could see that she was a little needy but not irritating. I found her very loyal. More recently, I have changed in my priorities and thoughts about life, all sorts of things. She has recently made a few friends which I think is good but there have been a few occasions where I’m wondering why I’ve been dropped last minute or why she forgot plans. So if I’m honest that issue is there but even without that I wouldn’t want to meet up. As an aside, she has a friend who really isn’t nice and doesn’t treat her very well. Until the last year, I’ve let her get on with it but for some reason lately it’s annoyed me that my friend can’t see she’s been taken for a ride. She has had her doing all sorts of things for her from dog walking, picking up shopping for her. But again, I still know it’s her life. 
 

So yes, there are those issues but the truth is I have friends who are quite different to me and yet we still have the connection that I don’t have with my friend. The other day, I met up with some friends and we got onto the subject of the bbc1 series Four Lives. Not only had we all seen it but it lead to a fantastic conversation about Stephen Port and about a podcast. I don’t think I have ever had conversations like this with my friend so it is most likely me who has changed. She has been there for me when I’ve split up with a boyfriend but that’s a different type of conversation. She is a nice person and she will go out of her way to help people, sometimes to her detriment I think, but that alone doesn’t make a friendship and I don’t enjoy time with her anymore.

 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Supernova11
Typing mistakes

[Noproblem]

11 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

I’ve taken some time out to think about this and a few things have come up.

A few years ago, a mutual friend of ours said to me that he found her irritating and needy. I told him I could see that she was a little needy but not irritating. I found her very loyal. More recently, I have changed in my priorities and thoughts about life, all sorts of things. She has recently got done few friends which I think is good but there have been a few occasions where I’m wondering why I’ve been dropped last minute or why she forgot plans. So if I’m honest that issue is there but even without that I wouldn’t want to meet up. As an aside, she has a friend who really isn’t nice and doesn’t treat her very well. Until the last year, I’ve let her get on with it but for some reason lately it’s annoyed me that my friend can’t see she’s been taken for a ride. She has had her doing all sorts of things for her from dog walking, picking up shopping for her. But again, I still know it’s her life. 
 

So yes, there are those issues but the truth is I have friends who are quite different to me and yet we still have the connection that I don’t have with my friend. The other day, I met up with some friends and we got onto the subject of the bbc1 series Four Lives. Not only had we all seen it but it lead to a fantastic conversation about Stephen Port and about a podcast called Bad People. I don’t think I have ever had conversations like this with my friend. She has been there for me when I’ve split up with a boyfriend but that’s a different type of conversation. She is a nice person and she will go out of her way to help people, sometimes to her detriment I think, but that alone doesn’t make a friendship and I don’t enjoy time with her anymore.

 

first of all, some people are nice and like to help others. that's their choice and they probably know that they are being used, they just help regardless.

second of all, yeah these 4 people you mentioned, won't come support you when you cry, they are there to talk about a series you all enjoyed..

thirdly, honestly nobody is asking you to enjoy her company.

But it's such a crappy move to tell someone 

stop being clingy, I don't want you anymore.

we are telling you to ignore her until she gives up.. Slowly disappear from her life...

she'll hurt either way.

She'll feel sad either way

she'll move on afterwards.

and since she is the naïve kind, she might have you back one day when your mood allows it.

 

but right now, there is no reason for you to just meet her and tell her" stop texting me or contacting me, I don't want you in my life as you are boring as hell"

coz, whatever you say to her

whatever excuse, she'll always be left with "I was left because I am not good enough"

You can just ignore her, she'll either confront you or she wouldn't!

Nobody knows.. one thing is for sure:

You don't want her anymore and she will be sad/disappointed regardless.

 

So my vote is just rejecting her invitations/ curt answers until she leaves you alone.

 

 

 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Noproblem

[Supernova11]

Yes, sorry I didn’t make it clear about the Stephen Port thing, we ended up having quite a deep conversation about criminal psychology and someone recommended the podcast. What I failed to explain very well is that I have conversations about deep things with those friends

[BeautifullyInspired]

Hey there, so I too can actually relate to this situation you're in...I was super close with my roommate of 4 years (all throughout college) and we were pretty much inseparable for the time given, heck, she even came with my family on vacation to Cancun! After we graduated, we started drifting and it really sucked. I felt so sad and lost for a bit because she was one of my closest friends and she started to say things about me and started to treat me very differently. We both happened to get into relationships around the same time and began spending more time with our significant others and this was really straining on our friendship, especially considering that her and her boyfriend broke up and I am still currently with mine. We got back in touch and things were good after not seeing each other for about a year or so, but it was never the same. She stopped responding to me and I never knew why. This was the hardest part for me to cope with, considering I did nothing to provoke this behavior. After doing some soul searching and some reading, I discovered that some people are actually not meant to be with us throughout our entire journey here on earth, but rather stand as "When Friendship Hurts". Although it is really hard losing a friend, it can also be beneficial for you as an individual and this is something that took me a while to conceptualize. You will be okay and you can turn this loss into a positive. One of the books that helped me get through this tough time was called "Find the Good" and I will share a link below because you can actually listen to it for free as an audiobook on Amazon! Plus, it is a FREE trial so if you don't find it helpful, which I don't think will happen, it is essentially a no harm no foul situation!

 

Good luck on this friendship struggle. Just remind yourself that you are not alone and this is only a moment in time. You have your future as an individual to grow ahead of you!

 

Here is the link, I hope this helps!

https://amzn.to/3KEs9Z6

[stillafool]

On 1/12/2022 at 3:03 AM, Supernova11 said:

I’ve taken some time out to think about this and a few things have come up.

A few years ago, a mutual friend of ours said to me that he found her irritating and needy. I told him I could see that she was a little needy but not irritating. I found her very loyal. More recently, I have changed in my priorities and thoughts about life, all sorts of things. She has recently made a few friends which I think is good but there have been a few occasions where I’m wondering why I’ve been dropped last minute or why she forgot plans. So if I’m honest that issue is there but even without that I wouldn’t want to meet up. As an aside, she has a friend who really isn’t nice and doesn’t treat her very well. Until the last year, I’ve let her get on with it but for some reason lately it’s annoyed me that my friend can’t see she’s been taken for a ride. She has had her doing all sorts of things for her from dog walking, picking up shopping for her. But again, I still know it’s her life. 
 

So yes, there are those issues but the truth is I have friends who are quite different to me and yet we still have the connection that I don’t have with my friend. The other day, I met up with some friends and we got onto the subject of the bbc1 series Four Lives. Not only had we all seen it but it lead to a fantastic conversation about Stephen Port and about a podcast. I don’t think I have ever had conversations like this with my friend so it is most likely me who has changed. She has been there for me when I’ve split up with a boyfriend but that’s a different type of conversation. She is a nice person and she will go out of her way to help people, sometimes to her detriment I think, but that alone doesn’t make a friendship and I don’t enjoy time with her anymore.

 

With these 3 statements it's obvious this friendship has been kaput for a while now.  Good for both of you that it is finally coming to an end.

[stillafool]

On 1/12/2022 at 3:03 AM, Supernova11 said:

As an aside, she has a friend who really isn’t nice and doesn’t treat her very well. Until the last year, I’ve let her get on with it but for some reason lately it’s annoyed me that my friend can’t see she’s been taken for a ride. She has had her doing all sorts of things for her from dog walking, picking up shopping for her. But again, I still know it’s her life.

See this is how you view their friendship when in fact she may be perfectly happy doing these things for that friend.  Also you don't know what that friend maybe doing for her.

[Supernova11]

So I hadn’t heard anything from her and I thought that was it and now a message asking me what would I like to do for my birthday this year? She would usually organise something for us to do together and no, it doesn’t have to be on the weekend of my birthday. The thing is, if I say I’m busy and I don’t have any time to do anything this year, it’s going to be so blatant that I’m lying. Also, part of me would rather hurt her a bit than end up being the dishonest ex friend. I know you guys have probably had enough of this but I can’t text her back “thanks for the invite but I’m just really busy at the moment”, I will look like a dishonest b****. I don’t know what else to text her though.

Edited February 8, 2022 by Supernova11

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

So I hadn’t heard anything from her and I thought that was it and now a message asking me what would I like to do for my birthday this year? She would usually organise something for us to do together and no, it doesn’t have to be on the weekend of my birthday. The thing is, if I say I’m busy and I don’t have any time to do anything this year, it’s going to be so blatant that I’m lying. Also, part of me would rather hurt her a bit than end up being the dishonest ex friend. I know you guys have probably had enough of this but I can’t text her back “thanks for the invite but I’m just really busy at the moment”, I will look like a dishonest b****. I don’t know what else to text her though.

I would tell her "Oh thanks but I have other plans for my birthday this year, but thanks for remembering."  And let that be it.  You aren't lying because you will do something on your b-day this year, correct?

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Supernova11 said:

 asking me what would I like to do for my birthday this year?

It's a bait question. It's not even an invitation. Try not to overreact this way. Answer "not sure, waiting to see what the family (or whoever) has in mind".

[Supernova11]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I would tell her "Oh thanks but I have other plans for my birthday this year, but thanks for remembering."  And let that be it.  You aren't lying because you will do something on your b-day this year, correct?

Yes, I am with you but the very fact that it will translate back into I don’t want to do anything with you this year - it kills me. It’s so hurtful. You see we always do something even, we always find a day to do something, it doesn’t have to be on the day of my birthday. I know you’re trying to help. I’m not trying to be awkward, I’m just really struggling with hurting someone but also with appearing dishonest myself 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Supernova11 said:

Also, part of me would rather hurt her a bit than end up being the dishonest ex friend.

Okay if you want to be honest, tell her "I think I'll make other plans for my b-day this year, but thanks for the offer, take care."  By putting the "take care" on the end you have ended the convo.  If someone answered me back with that message I would get the hint they don't want to spend their b-day with me.

Edited February 8, 2022 by stillafool

[Supernova11]

Ok, I think I might finally be there. I worded a text that said, I know we usually do something for my birthday but this year I’m seeing people that I didn’t get to see last year. I also mentioned that I am finding myself in a place where I don’t think I’ll be able to meet at least for the immediate future and wished her the best. We’ll see.