Excluded from Important Family Discussions

[UrbanMoon]

I am a middle aged only child living some distance away from my widowed mother due to work commitments. Recently she made a will and named her brother as executor. She has been seriously unwell recently and her sister in law is named as her next of kin and accompanies her to doctors appointments etc. While all this makes sense logistically my auntie is controlling. I have no idea as to my mothers wishes regarding healthcare. Now I find out that the executor has the legal right to instruct funeral arrangements and I have no rights whatsoever. I feel excluded, nothing was discussed. This is upsetting, any advice on how to handle would be appreciated. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, UrbanMoon said:

Recently she made a will and named her brother as executor and her sister in law is named as her next of kin and accompanies her to doctors appointments etc.  I find out that the executor has the legal right to instruct funeral arrangements and I have no rights whatsoever. 

The executor carries out what is stated in the will. A 'next of kin" is a legal designation, you as her children, are her next of kin. It is not "appointed". Perhaps you mean health care proxy? That is appointed.

Since your aunt and uncle are doing the heavy lifting she may want them to manage her affairs. Your uncle can not decide on his own accord about her funeral arrangements. An executor carries out what's in the will. Talk to your siblings. Do you have a copy of the will? Who is her eldercare attorney?

[UrbanMoon]

21 hours ago, UrbanMoon said:

I am a middle aged only child living some distance away from my widowed mother due to work commitments. Recently she made a will and named her brother as executor. She has been seriously unwell recently and her sister in law is named as her next of kin and accompanies her to doctors appointments etc. While all this makes sense logistically my auntie is controlling. I have no idea as to my mothers wishes regarding healthcare. Now I find out that the executor has the legal right to instruct funeral arrangements and I have no rights whatsoever. I feel excluded, nothing was discussed. This is upsetting, any advice on how to handle would be appreciated. 

Thanks for your reply. We are in the UK and the hospital ask for designated next of kin rather than a health proxy. This can be a friend or partner, it doesn’t have to be a blood relative. And this person can make important decisions and override any actions that the children may wish. Unfortunately I have no siblings, and no support. I don’t have a copy of the will, and the solicitor wouldn’t discuss paperwork etc as that is deemed to be private/confidential as my mother is deemed to be of sound mind. The lack of discussion and exclusion is the problem, I have no idea what her wishes are. 

[Els]

I think this should be your mother's decision and hers alone. Especially with Covid-19 and you living a distance away, it's possible that if anything happened to her, you might not even be able to be there. You might not be able to sign the Do Not Resuscitate form, or carry out any of her wishes. It makes practical sense that a person nearby should be designated.

However, it is concerning that she won't even TALK to you about this or even let you have a copy of the paperwork. Have you asked her why?

[UrbanMoon]

Thanks Elswyth for your advice. I agree in principle that a responsible member of the family who lives nearby should be the point of contact for medical reasons. The issue I have is that my auntie is controlling, and that I have been totally excluded. I am disregarded, invisible. My mother said that she didn’t want to worry me as I live so far away. But by not communicating with me has caused not just worry but family dynamic problems as well. I have absolutely no idea what her wishes are. 

[Els]

1 minute ago, UrbanMoon said:

Thanks Elswyth for your advice. I agree in principle that a responsible member of the family who lives nearby should be the point of contact for medical reasons. The issue I have is that my auntie is controlling, and that I have been totally excluded. I am disregarded, invisible. My mother said that she didn’t want to worry me as I live so far away. But by not communicating with me has caused not just worry but family dynamic problems as well. I have absolutely no idea what her wishes are. 

Have you told her that you WANT to be included in the conversations, for your own sake and not just hers?

[UrbanMoon]

Selective listening, and hearing on her part. I will be setting boundaries going forward. Other than that, I will phone her once a fortnight not twice a week, for 20 minutes, not two hours at a time to reduce my stress levels.