riverdeep33 Posted December 31, 2021 Share Posted December 31, 2021 Hi, I wondered if anyone can help advise. I’ve been with my partner for well, a long time now, with some stumbles along the way. Essentially we get on exceptionally well. We never really argue, always laugh and are quite strong together really. For the last 18-20 months, we’ve had a few bumps, particularly when it comes to intimacy. Not wanting to go into much detail, but effectively he doesn’t seem to want sex any more. We have had at least 4 conversations about it, and I’ve tried to make an effort etc, but he just isn’t interested, claiming he’s just not into it these days. Again no detail, he will do other things and loves cuddling up but that’s it. The spanner in the works is that I’ve caught him a couple of times now, on online dating sites (friends told me) and I’ve called him out on this. He’s suggested he’s needed to do that to feel sexual/attractive etc. This to me is odd, he isn’t the cheating type, so I do believe him, but this makes me feel even worse, that he is seeking gratification from elsewhere but doesn’t want me. Makes me really distrust him and also feel horrible about myself. It is worth noting that he is struggling with things at the moment and is accessing support and medication, so I need to consider that. Each time we have spoken about it, he has come up with a list of things he will do to add more intimacy, and each time he hasn’t done any of them, so I feel a bit lost. My worry is he will force himself to do it just to pacify me. I start to resent the fact that he is clearly craving sexual attention elsewhere but doesn’t from me I don’t want to give up, as I do feel we are largely so great together. Maybe I am overthinking sex. Is it that important? Do I need it? A big part of me does think it’s hugely important in a relationship. We last spoke about it mid December. My current thinking is to leave it until mid January and I see what happens. He suggested a few things he wants to do to spice things up. I’ve done a few; each of them ignored. I am considering suggesting we have an extended break and he can figure out what he wants, but I suspect that’ll be the end of us. We plan to marry next year too. I worry that getting married and entering a sexless marriage is a recipe for disaster too When everything else in the relationship is perfect (no that is not through rose tinted glasses), this is a tricky one. Life! Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted December 31, 2021 Share Posted December 31, 2021 4 minutes ago, riverdeep33 said: The spanner in the works is that I’ve caught him a couple of times now, on online dating sites We plan to marry next year too. These two statements are incompatible with one another. If you are engaged, you don't go onto dating sites -- Never, not once, under any circumstances -- no excuses!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted December 31, 2021 Share Posted December 31, 2021 I would delay marriage plans until this issue is resolved, and cancel them if they're not. Trust is broken, and it seems he is too. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 31, 2021 Share Posted December 31, 2021 How old are you guys? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted December 31, 2021 Share Posted December 31, 2021 2 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: I’ve caught him a couple of times now, on online dating sites (friends told me) and I’ve called him out on this. He’s suggested he’s needed to do that to feel sexual/attractive etc. This to me is odd, he isn’t the cheating type, so I do believe him Sorry this is happening. If he is on dating apps, he is the cheating type. This is the main issue. Being cold to you is related to this in some capacity. So unfortunately neither of these are good, being cold and dating apps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 31, 2021 Share Posted December 31, 2021 (edited) 3 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: We plan to marry next year too. Oh goodness, I would not marry this man. You have a partner who is (I assume) struggling with depression, not interested in sex, but cruising the dating websites - Nope. That is not someone I would consider to be a safe partner. I know you have said that he is “not the cheating type” but considering the fact that he is perusing dating websites, I feel like you should reconsider that statement. What’s more, marrying a man when the sex has gone from the relationship BEFORE the wedding does not seem like a wise decision. He is depressed now, your depression will grow when you are in an unfulfilling relationship with a man who is disengaged with you and seeking affection outside your relationship… I’m sorry, it’s not what you want to hear but I would not marry this man. Edited December 31, 2021 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 1, 2022 Share Posted January 1, 2022 (edited) 17 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: I am considering suggesting we have an extended break and he can figure out what he wants, but I suspect that’ll be the end of us. We plan to marry next year too. I worry that getting married and entering a sexless marriage is a recipe for disaster too When everything else in the relationship is perfect (no that is not through rose tinted glasses), this is a tricky one. It is a recipe for disaster. When someone shows the capacity to do something like this I also question what else that person is capable of. What else would he try to explain away in the name of mental health? What other “things” is he struggling with? You’re his crutch and you’re also enabling his behaviours staying in such a relationship. Rethink everything that has happened from what attracted you to him at the start, what keeps you there (lies, excuses and mental health issues), and why you’ve chosen to ignore all these red flags. An extended break doesn’t mean a thing either if all you’re intending is to remain with him or hoping he clues in and changes entirely as a person. What you’re wanting and hoping for is a whole new partner, not him. Edited January 1, 2022 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted January 1, 2022 Author Share Posted January 1, 2022 Thanks everyone, this has been a difficult read and I am really confused as to what to do. Over recent weeks he has been trying so hard - more affectionate, attentive etc. He has stepped up his counselling and has told me how much he is dedicated to making this work. Still no sex and I feel like I can’t bring that up or suggest it either. It’s probably all in my head now, but the thoughts I am now having are things like:-— - do I make him happy or do I bore him, Am I enough any more - is his affection genuine or just guilt - are we just coasting along because it’s convenient for him. We are actually so perfect (this aside) together but these nagging feelings are now affecting me. The realisation is that my feelings are as important as his. I have to have this conversation with him which I fear will destroy us. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 1, 2022 Share Posted January 1, 2022 23 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: This to me is odd, he isn’t the cheating type, Oh girl. Yes, he is. You're just not ready to admit it to yourself yet. And what you know is probably only the tip of the iceberg. 1 hour ago, riverdeep33 said: We are actually so perfect (this aside) together I think you are in really deep denial. It's not just the lack of sexual interest. This guy is going behind your back and shopping for other women. You cannot and should not trust him. That is pretty far from perfect. He doesn't respect you or your relationship enough not be creeping other women. He shouldn't "need" to resort to dating apps to feeling sexually desirable, which is a giant load of equine manure. A man who is invested in you the way a boyfriend should be would not dream of jeopardizing his relationship like this. 1 hour ago, riverdeep33 said: I have to have this conversation with him which I fear will destroy us. It's not the conversation that will destroy you. It's his behaviour that is already destroying you. 23 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: I worry that getting married and entering a sexless marriage is a recipe for disaster too You're right. Your relationship is already in the weeds, and you're not seeing the forest for the trees. This man doesn't love you enough to enjoy a healthy and happy marriage. If he did, he wouldn't be sneaking around looking for dates when your head is turned. The way I see it? You really want him to be The One. You really want to believe he's who you want him to be. But he just isn't. He's a garden variety cheater, but you've somehow justified his cheating ways so that you can stay in the relationship and jump through hoops to make him want you again. You've made this about lack of sex when the real problem is a lot worse - it's his lack of commitment to you. It's sad, but this is not what love should be. You deserve a man who doesn't need to be talked into having sex with you, and doesn't look outside the relationship to get his jollies. I would have dumped him yesterday. This isn't going to end well for you, OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 1, 2022 Share Posted January 1, 2022 1 hour ago, riverdeep33 said: Thanks everyone, this has been a difficult read and I am really confused as to what to do. Over recent weeks he has been trying so hard - more affectionate, attentive etc. He has stepped up his counselling and has told me how much he is dedicated to making this work. Still no sex and I feel like I can’t bring that up or suggest it either. It’s probably all in my head now, but the thoughts I am now having are things like:-— - do I make him happy or do I bore him, Am I enough any more - is his affection genuine or just guilt - are we just coasting along because it’s convenient for him. We are actually so perfect (this aside) together but these nagging feelings are now affecting me. The realisation is that my feelings are as important as his. I have to have this conversation with him which I fear will destroy us. Explore those fears of your own and don’t be afraid to have those difficult conversations. Keep in mind some individuals will say anything to keep a relationship because it’s a source of comfort and plenty of people are terrified of being alone and doing the heavy lifting working on themselves on their own. Of course he’s going to wheedle and plead and negotiate. It’s also mindful to keep in mind that you’re walking on eggshells. Having been there I do not tolerate that behaviour in myself anymore. As an outsider looking in you’ve silenced who you are. Respectfully, do question whether you wish to live the rest of your life this way. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 1, 2022 Share Posted January 1, 2022 (edited) 8 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: Thanks everyone, this has been a difficult read and I am really confused as to what to do. Over recent weeks he has been trying so hard - more affectionate, attentive etc. He has stepped up his counselling and has told me how much he is dedicated to making this work. Still no sex and I feel like I can’t bring that up or suggest it either. It’s probably all in my head now, but the thoughts I am now having are things like:-— - do I make him happy or do I bore him, Am I enough any more - is his affection genuine or just guilt - are we just coasting along because it’s convenient for him. We are actually so perfect (this aside) together but these nagging feelings are now affecting me. The realisation is that my feelings are as important as his. I have to have this conversation with him which I fear will destroy us. ................................."- do I make him happy or do I bore him, Am I enough any more - is his affection genuine or just guilt - are we just coasting along because it’s convenient for him. "........................................... You really need to ask these questions of him and to him.......he needs to be honest and so do you in a marriage things can't be put aside or not thought of(your words in brackets.... this aside) in the lead up to marriage i would feel things should definitely not be put aside ...........its what you are willing to put aside in your perspective of maintaining that sunny view of perfection and not deal with the shade will bite you in the butt,,, he is seeking gratification from others who aren't you to feel like a sexy man......it wont change when he marries ...maybe seek out some counselling or realise there's some serious issues there that wont be fixed unless you put them front and centre and deal with them......now not wait until you marry and feel duped......every marriage needs defined boundaries you have to put your needs and wishes known how you see being married and he needs to do so also with complete honesty or you will only find heartbreak ...for both of you. marriage isnt perfection at all its hard work and constant effort ......you have to be in sync on boundaries beliefs and values...... to make hard work and joint effort a success and a fruitful and long lasting marriage.............i wish you the very best..deb Edited January 1, 2022 by todreaminblue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 3, 2022 Share Posted January 3, 2022 If your friend told you she was planning to marry her boyfriend whom you saw cruising on OLD yesterday... what would you tell her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author riverdeep33 Posted January 3, 2022 Author Share Posted January 3, 2022 Hi all thanks for the replies. It has been an interesting few days. we have had a long chat and I have gotten everything off my chest. He agrees that the wedding should only happen when I feel ready, and that he has a long way to go to earn my trust again. He said he totally understands where I am coming from and is trying hard to understand his behaviour and how to sort himself out. I have explained the confusion at the disconnect between what he is saying and the fact he has gone online, and that if he can’t talk to me, feel sexual by me or talk to me, then we haven’t got anything. He agreed and said there’s a long road ahead to change my mind. So I’ve stuck a pin in it and we will see how the next few weeks go. I’m already sounding withdrawn from it aren’t I! I’m deciding to put myself first and if I end up old and single then what will be will be Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 7 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: I’m deciding to put myself first and if I end up old and single then what will be will be Good call. The sooner you free yourself from this cheater and this disrespect and iciness, the sooner you'll find an honest decent man who loves you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 16 hours ago, riverdeep33 said: I’m deciding to put myself first and if I end up old and single then what will be will be But at least you won't be stuck in a marriage with a man who wants other women at the same time. It would be a miserable way to live. Being single and free to meet a man who cherishes you would be the infinitely better option here. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2022 Share Posted January 5, 2022 8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: But at least you won't be stuck in a marriage with a man who wants other women at the same time. It would be a miserable way to live. Being single and free to meet a man who cherishes you would be the infinitely better option here. I have long said - I would much rather be single than in a bad marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 (edited) l dunno, all these terms he uses and all this work he says he has to do. What work, to actually sleep together, since when is that all this work that has so far to go bc that's basically what it all means. Sorry about this but your talking about marrying and that's a very big thing. Tbh, he sounds very much like he's just lost interest physically and if that's important to you though, well. Edited January 6, 2022 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 You're afraid to be alone so that's why it's harder to leave. The combination of cheating/lying partner and fear of being alone is a powerful one. I hope you don't end up sabotaging all of your life and happiness while rooted in your own fears. The writing is so large on the wall here. While you told him this: "I have explained the confusion at the disconnect between what he is saying and the fact he has gone online, and that if he can’t talk to me, feel sexual by me or talk to me, then we haven’t got anything", his only response was to agree and say "there’s a long road ahead to change [your] mind". How long are you planning to live in this scenario sensing or not sensing whether you can trust him again without walking on eggshells? The issue here is that you're also staying to listen for answers from a person who has shown you he's untrustworthy. Take good care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 Unfortunately yeah he's also trying to tie the trust thing and so called work into lack of intimacy excuses but truth is l'd be pretty sure some caring intimacy would be a pretty nice place to start . Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2022 Share Posted January 29, 2022 No you need to get out of there. The sex stops is because they are having sex with someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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