Life just keeps getting harder

[Ryan_B]

Hello. Back in July 2020, my wife left me. We have two young daughters (now 3 and 5) together. When she left me, she took the girls with her and wouldn't let me see them, for no reason whatsoever. I got myself a solicitor and fought for access to my children in the courts. Midway through last year we had the final hearing and I was awarded time with the girls. I now have them three weekends (Friday night until Sunday evening) in every four, aswell as every Wednesday night.

About a month after leaving me, my ex started to see a new guy and they soon moved into a new place together, along with the girls. 

It hurt so much seeing her with a new person and falling madly in love with him. I wasn't ready for our marriage to end and my heart was completely broken.

I've had a couple of run ins with her partner since they've been together, he even once said it was "weird and embarrassing" how I tell my own children that I love them. I can't stand the guy if I'm honest.

I'm over my ex and wouldn't take her back, BUT I still feel extremely jealous of what she has. I feel jealous that she has that love, the intimacy, someone to talk too, someone to share memories with etc.

I've dated a couple of girls in the last 8/9 months. The most recent one was in July. I really fell for her, we got on really well and we're seeing each other for a couple of months. She suddenly one day told me that she only wanted a friend with benefits type of arrangement, which I wasn't happy with, so it ended. It again really hurt me and ever since, I've felt completely broken.

I can't see how I can ever meet anyone now I have my routine with my girls in place, although I'd never want to have less time with them. I'm extremely shy and nervous anyway so meeting people has always been an issue (I've had three girlfriends before, including my ex wife and met them all online). I just hate the loneliness, the lack of intimacy (not just sex but the closeness of being together with someone. Talking to them, cuddling them, just laying with them). I know for a fact that if I didn't have my girls, I wouldn't be here. I've had suicidal thoughts recently, especially over the Christmas break. I keep imagining my ex wife and her partner together, everything they're upto, from the sexual stuff to the days out, and really, really wish I could experience it again with someone but I genuinely don't think it's possible. I cry myself to sleep every night and don't want to wake up. I'd never act on my suicidal thoughts because if my beautiful children, but I don't know how I can cope on my own forever. I hate just about every part of my life other than my girls. 

For reference, my divorce from my wife is ongoing and should be over in the next few weeks, fingers crossed!

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Ryan_B said:

For reference, my divorce from my wife is ongoing and should be over in the next few weeks

Sorry this is happening. Once your divorce is final you will have an easier time dating.

People loathe to be "rebounds" or date someone still technically married.

Make sure you don't  discuss your divorce or ex-wife or custody issues with women you're dating.

If possible try to get a better custody and visitation schedule.

Right now you have almost zero weekend time for dating. It's like your wife and her BF have weekends free and you're the babysitter.

Consider something more balanced and equitable.

 Most importantly be the best dad you can be and take things slowly when dating.

[FMW]

Remember this is a temporary, transitional phase of your life.  Things are really hard right now, that's normal.  But this is not  how it will be forever.  Remember that when you're feeling really low and overwhelmed.

It would probably be very helpful for you to talk to a counselor on a regular basis for a while.  I would make that your priority right now, not dating.  You need to come to terms with things and heal before you can develop a healthy romantic relationship with someone else.  The woman who decided she wanted to change your relationship to FWB most likely realized you were not ready and not emotionally available for more.  You have a lot to work through and it's not fair to a new romantic interest to put them in the position of counselor and comforter.  It's also not going to lead to a relationship that will last.   

The sooner you start actively working on healing the sooner you will be in a position to start dating and find what you are looking for.   

Edited January 3, 2022 by FMW

[Ryan_B]

10 minutes ago, FMW said:

Remember this is a temporary, transitional phase of your life.  Things are really hard right now, that's normal.  But this is not  how it will be forever.  Remember that when you're feeling really low and overwhelmed.

It would probably be very helpful for you to talk to a counselor on a regular basis for a while.  I would make that your priority right now, not dating.  You need to come to terms with things and heal before you can develop a healthy romantic relationship with someone else.  The woman who decided she wanted to change your relationship to FWB most likely realized you were not ready and not emotionally available for more.  You have a lot to work through and it's not fair to a new romantic interest to put them in the position of counselor and comforter.  It's also not going to lead to a relationship that will last.   

The sooner you start actively working on healing the sooner you will be in a position to start dating and find what you are looking for.   

The funny thing about the girl I was dating, is she was in a similar situation as her marriage had broken up around the same time as mine and she was also going through a divorce. She told me that I was the (in her own words) "kindest, nicest guy" that she had ever met and would have loved to have been with someone like me, but she was the one who didn't want to have a long term relationship as she just wants "fun" and to ease totally play the field a bit. I've since seen her on dating sites and her profile says she only wants short term/casual dating, so I don't think it was my situation that she was worried about. I never spoke about my ex etc unless she asked, and to be honest, when I was with her, for those two months or so, it was the happiest I'd felt for many years. The last two years of my marriage was awful (I was on the sofa for two years, we didn't ever kiss, cuddle or have any intimacy etc) so I've felt "single" for about three and a half years anyway!

On the counselling part, I've been suggested that by someone else before, but I just can't do it. I feel weak, ashamed, embarrassed and like I've failed in my life and I can't "fix" it. I find it really hard to open up to people, I'm really shy and nervous, and to be in a room with a stranger, talking about my feelings just scares me more!

 

Wiseman2- the court have set out my schedule to have the girls and is a legally binding obligation, so it cannot be changed. Plus they felt that I was better to have the girls at the weekends as my ex seems to just palm then off to her mum's when she had them, so it's in their best interest to spend that time at mine where I will be with them. I wouldn't want to have them any less time anyway, as they are the most important people that could possibly be in my life.

In an ideal world, what would happen is that I'd meet a girl (not a clue how, sadly) and we'd see each other in the evenings that I don't have the girls and the weekend that I don't have them. After a little while, if I felt like she was good for me and I was comfortable with her, I'd let her stay at night when the girls were in bed and slowly introduce them to her. Then if things were going well, she'd be able to be with my girls aswell and we could then have a more normal relationship, many people date when they have kids, it's a normal thing at the end of the day, but it's just getting to that point of them meeting them, the first few weeks etc, which I'd find tough. 

Id never mention my ex to a date unless she asked me about her etc as I don't want to focus on my past, it's my future that I want to look at, and if I'm dating a girl (like the one I was a few months back) I put all my focus and attention on her. 

I just don't know how I can meet anyone again though. I have dating profiles online and have put my marriage status as divorced, so it's not like people can be out off by thinking I'm still in a relationship or still going through troubles with my ex!

[Pumpernickel]

Hi, @Ryan_B — you sound like a great guy! I am sorry you're going through some difficult times right now, but your daughters are lucky to have you. You sound like a wonderful father. Keep making them your number one priority for now. They will thank you and appreciate you when they're older. I promise!

I can understand the envy that you feel. Your ex seems to have it all right now. Her daughters, the new guy, a lot of free time (on the weekends) to nurture the new relationship, a new place to live, and so on. But most things are not what they seem on the outside. I am sure they have their struggles, too. Being a stepparent is not easy, and if nothing else, that's one source of conflict right there. The way the "new guy" talks to you, so disrespectfully, shows a nasty side of his character, and believe me, people like this can't hide their ugly side all the time. Especially not at home when they feel the most comfortable.

It's a shame that you're too nervous to go to counseling. I am sure it might help a little bit. Not necessarily for a quick fix or a concrete solution to your issues, but just imagine sitting there, paying a person for a full hour of their time, just to listen to you. It's a luxury. And trust me — the seasoned ones have heard it all. There's literally nothing they would judge you for. I'd give it a shot, if I were you. Don't go back if you don't like it. But try it.

Other than that, I don't know what to say. I know it's hard. But you seem experienced in OLD, so give it another shot. You don't need to get married and find a long-term GF right away. Can you look at it as somehing that you do to meet interesting people/women? Meet up with, let's say, 2 per month, while maintaining your daughters your #1 priority? I think that would be a good compromise, and who knows......you might meet the one when you least expect it. Good luck to you!!! 

Edited January 3, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[lonelyplanetmoon]

8 hours ago, Ryan_B said:

On the counselling part, I've been suggested that by someone else before, but I just can't do it. I feel weak, ashamed, embarrassed and like I've failed in my life and I can't "fix" it. I find it really hard to open up to people, I'm really shy and nervous, and to be in a room with a stranger, talking about my feelings just scares me more!

 

You are doing a great disservice to yourself by thinking this way.  Therapy is a way to for you to learn to help yourself.   It is about learning to be honest with yourself and navigating your truth with comfort and confidence.  You are bound by your own bonds.  Therapy is a way to loosen the bonds and set you free.  
I hope you will reconsider.

your mood affects your children. Think about that as well.

 

[Ryan_B]

On 1/3/2022 at 9:24 PM, Pumpernickel said:

Hi, @Ryan_B — you sound like a great guy! I am sorry you're going through some difficult times right now, but your daughters are lucky to have you. You sound like a wonderful father. Keep making them your number one priority for now. They will thank you and appreciate you when they're older. I promise!

I can understand the envy that you feel. Your ex seems to have it all right now. Her daughters, the new guy, a lot of free time (on the weekends) to nurture the new relationship, a new place to live, and so on. But most things are not what they seem on the outside. I am sure they have their struggles, too. Being a stepparent is not easy, and if nothing else, that's one source of conflict right there. The way the "new guy" talks to you, so disrespectfully, shows a nasty side of his character, and believe me, people like this can't hide their ugly side all the time. Especially not at home when they feel the most comfortable.

It's a shame that you're too nervous to go to counseling. I am sure it might help a little bit. Not necessarily for a quick fix or a concrete solution to your issues, but just imagine sitting there, paying a person for a full hour of their time, just to listen to you. It's a luxury. And trust me — the seasoned ones have heard it all. There's literally nothing they would judge you for. I'd give it a shot, if I were you. Don't go back if you don't like it. But try it.

Other than that, I don't know what to say. I know it's hard. But you seem experienced in OLD, so give it another shot. You don't need to get married and find a long-term GF right away. Can you look at it as somehing that you do to meet interesting people/women? Meet up with, let's say, 2 per month, while maintaining your daughters your #1 priority? I think that would be a good compromise, and who knows......you might meet the one when you least expect it. Good luck to you!!! 

This k you pumpernickel for your kind words. I know I make mistakes etc as we all do, but I always try to do the very best I can for my girls and try to be the best dad I can be for them, they are my everything and without their beautiful little faces I would t be here. 

I'll be totally honest here, but I would t even know how to get in touch with a counsellor. I have no money (am constantly overdrawn) so can't afford it, even if I did think it would help me. But even if I could afford it, I think I'd probably end up making myself feel worse as I'd probably talk about things that I've not even thought about recently and bring myself down further!

I've tried online dating a fair bit and have tried it recently (even had a little look today!) But I literally never get any replies/matches from anyone. You say about trying to meet two people a month, I am very lucky if I get to meet two people a year for a date, I can't even get anyone to reply to my messages!