What I wish I knew.

[Aventra]

Delete their Facebook their number their instagram.  Delete everything. The sooner you do this the better. 

Go no contact and assume you will NEVER hear from them again . Life is precious don't wait for them . They dumped you so they made that call not you. And lastly  ever blame everything on yourself. It takes two to tango. 

First three months are hard but then it gets easier. They are strangers to you now hell dead to you now. And even if you left on good terms trust me you don't want to be friends with them now.  Make new ones with no drama. 

 

If they decide to contact you again take a good hard look at the progress you've made before ruining that 

[Aventra]

Definitely something significant about three months and six months 

The first three months were the worst especially the first two. I was playing everything in my head and was so focused on the bad it really affected my mood.  I even had a horrible dream two months after we last spoke and four months after we last met in person. I woke up shaking .

 

Gone are the mornings I'd wake up with a low feeling knowing we are no longer together. It's now gone over six months since the breakup and what would have been four months no contact had I not reached out when I saw her on a dating app. She replied quite positively and asked how I was (even though I said maybe we could catch up on a year or so not expecting a reply) but for the time being I'm ignoring her. I have that strength now. In some ways its nice feeling like there's been a reset and I could reach out a long time into the future if I ever wanted to whereas before she'd basically asked for no contact as I was probably pestering her too much after the breakup selfishly in hindsight. 

 

Around the six month mark was when I finally stopped talking about her to my friends in normal conversation.  I no longer blame myself for everything. I have a clearer understanding of the relationship and where I am now. There are times I feel slightly sad but it's not her I miss but company although I'm trying to date again with some success. I no longer feel weighed down thinking about the relationship and break ups so I've come a long way in six months. Deleting her off everything has proven essential. There was a time I was checking up on her which was horribly unhealthy and it was almost like I wanted to inflict harm on myself. What's amazing is how fast six months has gone... another six months and it will be a year since the breakup. It's all in the past now.

Edited January 14, 2022 by Aventra

[Mrin]

On 1/4/2022 at 10:15 AM, Aventra said:

Delete their Facebook their number their instagram.  Delete everything. The sooner you do this the better. 

Go no contact and assume you will NEVER hear from them again . Life is precious don't wait for them . They dumped you so they made that call not you. And lastly  ever blame everything on yourself. It takes two to tango. 

First three months are hard but then it gets easier. They are strangers to you now hell dead to you now. And even if you left on good terms trust me you don't want to be friends with them now.  Make new ones with no drama. 

 

If they decide to contact you again take a good hard look at the progress you've made before ruining that 

This is spot on. 100%

Saw your update from today - question: have you started dating or sleeping with another woman yet? If so, how did that work for you? I know for me, having sex with and very casually dating other women was VERY good for me after my breakup. Trying to seriously date other women was VERY bad for me after my breakup. 

[Aventra]

31 minutes ago, Mrin said:

This is spot on. 100%

Saw your update from today - question: have you started dating or sleeping with another woman yet? If so, how did that work for you? I know for me, having sex with and very casually dating other women was VERY good for me after my breakup. Trying to seriously date other women was VERY bad for me after my breakup. 

I have only had casual sex with one so far. In hindsight it was a bit too soon... only two weeks after cutting contact. Still felt very strange. I've realised sex is no substitute for me. I had a few casual hook ups etc the last time I was single and it's no replacement for the love you feel in a relationship.  

 

I did go on a date where I felt nothing and I deleted the dating app afterwards missing my ex

 

I've been on six dates with one girl but she wants to take things very slow and it feels like hanging out with a friend rather than dating. I've slept at two girls houses but didn't have sex with either. It was more a favour as there was no train home and I'm not going to force the matter although one made me sleep on the sofa after cooking for me! In a way it was quite nice to have these new memories . I'm having more success than last time only one rejection after a first date with most going to at least two but sadly ghosting seems fairly common.  Last time I was single it was for three years and I had a lot of first date rejections but I was low in confidence and didn't have enough interests at the time. I was also dating almost anyone who said yes so often we had no connection. That insecurity of finding someone again sadly affected me afrer the first breakup with my recent ex but ironically I found someone that time very quickly which then got messy when my ex came back as my other posts explain 

Edited January 14, 2022 by Aventra

[Mrin]

37 minutes ago, Aventra said:

I found someone that time very quickly which then got messy when my ex came back as my other posts explain 

Boy, aint that the truth? Same thing happened to me. I found a pretty amazing woman and things were progressing nicely and then my ex did the whole "I love you and want to be with you" thing. Totally messed up everything I had going on. We even reconciled and even got engaged only to end it (by her choice) again. I have to tell you, I lived in secret fear that she would pull that on me again. 

And she actually did. Several times. The last time I was surprised by my reaction. My head said, "thanks but no thanks", my heart felt nothing BUT body actually had a panic attack at the prospect of rekindling. It was so weird - I couldn't figure out what was going on with me physically and when she called the next day (we are still good friends) I told her what was going on and she correctly diagnosed it as a panic attack (she's a therapist). Gave me some techniques to deal with it and I was right as rain in less than an hour. We've never talked about it since. 

I hope that someday soon you'll reach that point where if your ex shows up again you can shrug it off. 

Best of luck dude!

 

Mrin