Trying to Co-habitate

[Denise B]

So I bought a house with my boyfriend. Before the closing, I moved into his apartment because I was selling my house. One night, he stayed up later when I went to bed early. I got up for water and caught him in the living room masturbating to porn. Which was surprising because I had been asking for sex and he was supposedly having trouble getting it up lately due to an unknown cause yet to be determined, it comes and goes no pun intended. But at that moment, it seemed there was no issue for him, and I felt I was being deprived, replaced. He lied to me, said he doesnt do that when he is in a relationship. So many times, lied to my face. So there I was confronted with the lie and had just bought a house with him. So we had a big fight about it, Im still sore and wonder if he is doing that every time he has time to himself. I guess I think he is a liar now. Even worse is I just didnt feel the same about him after that, and I still struggle with it. He was deceitful, dishonest and I really don't like that. But now we are living together in the new house and as exciting as it can be to forge a new beginning, we still have arguments and I am learning to back away from a fight. If I feel he is in a weird mood I leave him alone, but I wonder if he pushes me away on purpose so he can have alone time. I would never do that to him. And he tells me he loves me all the time. Maybe he is fragile. Maybe just moody. All I can think of sometimes is how thankful I am that he signed the cohabitation agreement. He bought me an engagement ring and wants to get married, but I just cant understand how he can be Mr. Wonderful and then suddenly need space, I can tell when the moodiness creeps in there are telltale signs. Our sex life is not getting better. I am not used to living with someone who is like this. Covid is not helping because there is not much to do and nowhere to really go. I might have to get a hobby lol. It would be nice if I could just have the house all to myself too though but he is always there even when he is moody I have to put up with it. Help!

[BaileyB]

I too am glad that you protected your investment with a cohabitation agreement. I’m sorry that this is not a happier time for you!  I too moved in with someone, built a home, and moved during Covid - I tell people, if our relationship survived these stressors - we are good!! 

Personally, I wouldn’t worry too much about the porn/masturbation myself. Lots of people look at porn and masterbate - even when they are in a relationship. Some couples will watch it together. But, not everyone wants their partner to know. Personally, I believe that people should have some privacy in a relationship. 

The bigger issue here is the problems that you are experiencing with your sex life. The porn/masterbation magnifies that issue.

Has he sought medical assessment for his problem? It could be as easy as a pill to take the stress off/give him a little more confidence. Maybe there are some lifestyle/medication changes that need to be considered. It’s a hard thing to seek medical advice for, but it would be my first thought.  

Edited January 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[Estes]

You don't have to put up with his moodiness when he's home. You can go somewhere.

The sex has tapered off, he's getting himself off, and he's lying to you about it. Those are huge red flags.

Don't expect things to improve after marriage, they tend to get worse.

 

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Estes said:

Don't expect things to improve after marriage, they tend to get worse.

Agree. Usually a lack of sex prior to marriage is a huge red flag. Most people don’t experience a poor sex life prior to marriage and then go on to have an amazing sex life after marriage.

Edited January 5, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

This boils down to what matters most to you. Go back to square one and ask yourself what matters most. 

You’re finding ways to make up for him dismissing issues or concerns that you find relevant in the relationship. You feel neglected and dismissed. Sometimes you wish you had the house to yourself because more often than not it feels like you’re already alone? 

Been there, done that. Didn’t want the tshirt. When you have a moment, do look back at what matters most to you in life and see whether this scenario fits. 

[mark clemson]

Hmm.

Masturbation in and of itself isn't a red flag IMO. I also suspect many folks don't necessarily do it in front of their partner, particularly if the partner is "intolerant" of it or simply isn't particularly interested in seeing it.

The lying and claiming he's not doing it at all IS a red flag. However if your relationship is predicated on the concept that he'll never masturbate, then the tenets of the relationship itself are flawed and/or unrealistic. If he's "agreeing to these conditions" in order to maintain the relationship, that is partly on him, but in reality flexibility about one's partner's needs (to a reasonable extent) is CORE to a successful LTR.

These no masturbation "conditional" approaches to relationships that you sometimes see doom a LTR from the start for many if not most people, unless they are willing to have sex VERY frequently, and probably even then. This is a bit like an employer asking an employee to NEVER take bathroom breaks at certain times or similar. It's not a particularly reasonable condition and if you try to set a rule like this it's very likely to get broken at least occasionally.

The fact that masturbation is interfering with sex and/or that he has some form of impotence ARE substantial issues.

Edited January 5, 2022 by mark clemson

[Denise B]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

The bigger issue here is the problems that you are experiencing with your sex life. The porn/masterbation magnifies that 

Has he sought medical assessment for his problem? 

Yes but covid delays. No answers. The Healthcare system is lagging. Or he is lying not sure which. He has no acknowledgement of how thus all makes me feel. He is selfish in my view

[Denise B]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

 

The fact that masturbation is interfering with sex and/or that he has some form of impotence ARE substantial issues.

I am tolerant. He is not very experienced tho. He Was married for 30 years. I just dont want hus porn habit creeping in and destroying things with us I don't want him to prefer porn over real-life.. I was only steps away when it happened and in bed. That night I had asked him again for sex but he said hecould not perform but would see a doctor. Then I caught him jerking off to porn. We hadn't had sexin almost two weeks. 

[Denise B]

14 hours ago, glows said:

Sometimes you wish you had the house to yourself because more often than not it feels like you’re already alone

Yes. When I try to talk with him about anything serious he usually projects a blame back onto me. I'm getting really tired of it

[Denise B]

15 hours ago, Estes said:

You don't have to put up with his moodiness when he's home. You can go somewhere.

The sex has tapered off, he's getting himself off, and he's lying to you about it. Those are huge red flags.

Don't expect things to improve after marriage, they tend to get worse.

 

If I leave the house he will blame me for abandoning him and justify using porn

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Denise B said:

He Was married for 30 years. I had asked him again for sex but he said he could not perform but would see a doctor.

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Does he have ED? Good he will see his physician about that.

ED can be a thing in itself, but often is signals other issues such as cardiovascular problems or neurological/metabolic problems.

Don't beat him up for masturbating. If ED is a factor he is compensating.

However another issue is you are annoyed by him and his chronic stay-at-home presence.

What does he do all day? Is he working from home? Unemployed? Retired?

Try to have you own "spaces" in the house. Separate bathrooms and TVs/TV rooms, offices/dens are a blessing if you both want some privacy.

It seems like buying a house together needs some adjustments as far as privacy and space in the house.

The lack of intimacy combined with being annoyed with his homebody presence is going to build up resentment until this implodes and sadly you're stuck in a co-owned house together.

 

Edited January 5, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

These are a long list of grievances and resentments but the situation is unlikely to change. Reflect on his reasons why he wants to marry you so quickly. 

At this point your posts read as more of a rant but you're willing to close one eye in order to marry and live with him.

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, Denise B said:

Yes. When I try to talk with him about anything serious he usually projects a blame back onto me. I'm getting really tired of it

Well then, you really need to consider whether this is the relationship you chose for yourself.

 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Denise B said:

If I leave the house he will blame me for abandoning him and justify using porn

Why would he justify using porn to you when he doesn't want you to know he uses it?  I hardly think you going somewhere for a little alone time is abandoning him.  He may be happy to have the time in the house to himself (like you) as well to, you know.  He doesn't seem to have ED problems but just wants variety.

[mark clemson]

8 hours ago, Denise B said:

 I don't want him to prefer porn over real-life.. I was only steps away when it happened and in bed. That night I had asked him again for sex but he said hecould not perform but would see a doctor. Then I caught him jerking off to porn. We hadn't had sexin almost two weeks. 

Ok - if you intent to stay in the relationship, this might be something to go to a marriage counselor or sex therapist about (as well as possibly a medical doctor). ED is tough for men, but if it's something Viagra or similar can fix then maybe that's the way to go (or possibly therapy if meds can't do it).

[Els]

It's hard to say without knowing how much time you're actually spending together, and how much sex you're having. On the one hand, needing some alone time is normal, and so is masturbation. But if he is spending 90% of his time at home "alone", and he's masturbating every day while only having sex with you once a month, then of course most people would agree that it's excessive.

That being said, you don't think it's maybe a little controlling to make a rule that your partner shouldn't masturbate while in a relationship with you? Yeah yeah, I know, it's about "lying" and not about masturbating itself, but how did the topic even come up to begin with?

I would leave the masturbation alone and address the lack of sex a separate issue, personally. I know that for me, masturbation and sex aren't "replacements" for each other, they are not the same thing at all. It's like apples and chicken, sometimes you want one and sometimes you want the other.

[Denise B]

On 1/5/2022 at 2:35 PM, glows said:

These are a long list of grievances and resentments but the situation is unlikely to change. Reflect on his reasons why he wants to marry you so quickly. 

At this point your posts read as more of a rant but you're willing to close one eye in order to marry and live with him.

Actually I'm not considering getting married. I feel trapped. It will take some time to find another place to live and he will really stress me out if we have to live here during a break up. I don't want to lose my job. I need some calm before the storm 

[Denise B]

On 1/6/2022 at 5:45 PM, Elswyth said:

 

I would leave the masturbation alone and address the lack of sex a separate issue, personally. I know that for me, masturbation and sex aren't "replacements" for each other, they are not the same thing at all. It's like apples and chicken, sometimes you want one and sometimes you want the other.

Interesting. But I feel like if he would prefer oggling a much younger woman (he is 55) and does so whenever he feels entitled then it's not a far stretch from cheating in my view. 

[Denise B]

On 1/5/2022 at 6:30 PM, stillafool said:

Why would he justify using porn to you when he doesn't want you to know he uses it?  I hardly think you going somewhere for a little alone time is abandoning him.  He may be happy to have the time in the house to himself (like you) as well to, you know.  He doesn't seem to have ED problems but just wants variety.

I considered that. But isn't "variety" emphasizing his propensity to cheat. Would he want me to have variety? I am not undesirable

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Denise B said:

Actually I'm not considering getting married. I feel trapped. It will take some time to find another place to live and he will really stress me out if we have to live here during a break up. I don't want to lose my job. I need some calm before the storm 

The relationship is over. He has ED and has shut you out. You're resentment is building and that's not a good idea.

So focus on practicalities. Live as roommates until one of you can buy the other out. Or somehow get out of this mess. Perhaps get a roommate and pay him off.

Divide up everything. Separate lives. Sever all financial ties. Only pay joint costs together such as mortgage, utilities etc.

Otherwise get separate bedrooms, bathrooms and stop acting like a couple. Go out with friends, don't shop or cook together. Don't try to work it out. Focus on getting out.

That way you can come and go as you please, date others etc. And he can do whatever he wants. Stop policing his porn. His age is a huge factor in his ED and has nothing to do with "ogling younger women" or you.

The longer you stay in this mess, the more hurt anger and resentment there will be.

Edited January 11, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Els]

16 hours ago, Denise B said:

Interesting. But I feel like if he would prefer oggling a much younger woman (he is 55) and does so whenever he feels entitled then it's not a far stretch from cheating in my view. 

Do you want to answer the question re: how often you two are actually having sex?