Nessa98 Posted January 5, 2022 Share Posted January 5, 2022 I ran into an old friend a few months ago. We hit it off and started talking. He was in town for a week and we spent 4 days together. When he went back home the messages were amazing. He come back down the week before Christmas to see me just for a day and to exchange gifts. When he left that day the messages slowed way down, like I got one message every couple days. I voiced my concern and he said he was busy with Christmas and he was giving me all he could. So I thought I’ll give till after the holidays. New Year’s Eve he was messaging me again, saying things like how he hoped I fall for him. Reason we didn’t spend new year’s together was we both had our daughters and haven’t crossed that bridge yet. Jan 1st right back to hardly getting a message, and he’s coming down soon with his daughter. He’s so hot and cold with his messages and with long distance it scares me. I only asked for a good morning and goodnight message. Thoughts? Insight? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 5, 2022 Share Posted January 5, 2022 1 hour ago, Nessa98 said: He was in town for a week and we spent 4 days together. He come back down the week before Christmas to see me just for a day and to exchange gifts. we didn’t spend new year’s together was we both had our daughters. Sorry this is happening. Is he still with his child's mother? Is he originally from your hometown? Does he have friends family there? How far apart are you? Have you been invited to visit him? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 5, 2022 Share Posted January 5, 2022 How far is the distance? Rely less on the messages and more on the plans you've both made. If he has word on when he plans to come visit, ask him for the details (time, date, etc) so that you can plan your life accordingly and make arrangements for your daughter. Apart from this it hasn't blossomed into anything consistent or meaningful so don't revolve your life around him. Good morning and goodnight messages don't necessarily mean anything, lip service, if you both aren't seeing each other more often or taking the time to build something meaningful in person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nessa98 Posted January 5, 2022 Author Share Posted January 5, 2022 They’ve been divorced for years. He’s not from my hometown he has friends here and visits. He’s about 4 hours away. His daughter lives with him full time so I haven’t been invited. he has talked about me visiting but not until I meet his daughter 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2022 Share Posted January 5, 2022 (edited) Dating is an opportunity to observe and experience someone’s behavior over time to decide if they are a good and reliable partner or not. That said, you can count the number of months you have been talking on one hand and you can count the amount of time you have spent together in days - I say, give it some time. He came on pretty hot and heavy and that got your hopes up, but now you are seeing some other behvior that makes you more concerned. You need time to further assess his interest, his commitment, his character. Either he will prove himself to be consistent and reliable or he will not not - in which case, you would be wise to let this go… My advice would be - lower your expectations. Resist the urge to develop fantasies about this relationship and how it will progress and your families will come together. Do NOT meet his children or introduce your children to this man until you know for sure that this is going to be a serious, long term relationship for you. Many will recommend six months, but given the distance and the fact that you haven’t spent much time with the man I would not be rushing that. If you give it time, it will either develop into possible relationship for you or it won’t - There are some things we can not rush - all will be revealed to you, if you give it time. Edited January 5, 2022 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 5, 2022 Share Posted January 5, 2022 Whatever you do, don't involve any children in any of this. It's way too soon and you're not really even dating yet. Adding his daughter to a visit is just not a good idea, for her or for you. It may give you (and her) a false sense of security when the two of you are still just barely getting to know each other as a couple. See how things unfold in the coming months, and keep all children out of it until you know whether you two have what it takes to make it as a serious, committed relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2022 Share Posted January 5, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Whatever you do, don't involve any children in any of this. It's way too soon and you're not really even dating yet. Adding his daughter to a visit is just not a good idea, for her or for you. It may give you (and her) a false sense of security when the two of you are still just barely getting to know each other as a couple. See how things unfold in the coming months, and keep all children out of it until you know whether you two have what it takes to make it as a serious, committed relationship. And the truth is - this is complicated. Because of the distance. Because you both have children. It’s not like you are 21 years old and single - able to pursue this new relationship with total freedom! At this stage in your life, you don’t start messaging, spend time together, fall in love, and live happily ever after. IF this becomes a successful long term relationship for you OP, you are looking at years before you can “be together.” It will take time for you to properly date each other, to tell the children and allow them time to hold a relationship with you and each other, to find a new job/sell a home/move and settle. This is a marathon not a sprint - so really, no need to rush and worry about the drop in communication over the holidays. For all you know, reality has set in for him related to exactly how complicated this situation is and he has decided he is just not ready to pursue anything serious. The early stages of a new relationship are fun - the messaging, the meetups, the gifts, the excitement of it all… the reality is hard, this is complicated and it will take commitment. You have no way to know where this is going to go - it just takes time. You shouldn’t try to force it, this will either be or it won’t be… give it time and whatever you do - do not bring the children into this before you have an actual commitment from the man. Edited January 5, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 Take things slowly. Keep in mind that this may not go anywhere because you both have kids exes and can't easily move. Try to alternate visiting each other. Don't be the host for someone from out-of-town all the time. You need to see how he lives. He may have full custody but surely he can get a weekend free. It's possible he's living with someone/in a relationship, so slow down until you see his living situation. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 6, 2022 Share Posted January 6, 2022 (edited) It's way too soon to be meeting or involving kids. lt's also Christmas nyr's holidays he has his daughter. Old friend hmm, dunno about those but anyway see how things pan out and whether he gets back into things as the new yrs settles in.lf he is keen he may have just had his hands full and bounces back as things settle down, time reveals all. Edited January 6, 2022 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 29, 2022 Share Posted January 29, 2022 Everyone gets real excited in the beginning...then reality hits. He has a lot of things to consider, like distance, possibility of moving, leaving his job, his daughters etc. He's slowing things down to keep himself in check. Link to post Share on other sites
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