What do I do?

[Bubbles178]

Long story very short. I’ve been with my partner for 6.5 years, been engaged for almost 6 months. We have a 2 year old and own our home together. 
Very much an up and down relationship, but the main issue for me is that I feel very undervalued and underloved. My fiancé works away on mines so he’s away for weeks at a time sometimes, this doesn’t help the situation. But when he’s home (I understand he’s tired), but he’s always glued to his gaming videos on his phone, even when I’m talking, it’s so rude and makes me feel so small. He doesn’t initiate anything for us to do together, doesn’t help out a lot at home when he is home, I have to ask him, same goes with tending to our toddler. He works hard, but I get no break at all. There is so so much more but I’d be typing for hours, literally. I love him and I want us to be a family. He knows he is on his last straw with me, we’ve had many big talks about how I’m feeling, and it gets me nowhere. Any advice or different approach I can take to make him see I mean it this time? 
p.s. We are in our 30’s if that helps. 

Thanks in advance. 

[divegrl]

I am sorry you feel this way. 
 

Yet in my friends circle this is pretty common male behavior. Guys are disengaged in home life and around young kids. 
 

Can you focus on getting a better support system for yourself?  Do you have family or friends who can take a turn watching your toddler? 
 

It helps to start focusing on yourself, and how to get your needs met. Instead of focusing on your partner and how little he is doing. 
 

Take care. 

[Bubbles178]

14 minutes ago, divegrl said:

I am sorry you feel this way. 
 

Yet in my friends circle this is pretty common male behavior. Guys are disengaged in home life and around young kids. 
 

Can you focus on getting a better support system for yourself?  Do you have family or friends who can take a turn watching your toddler? 
 

It helps to start focusing on yourself, and how to get your needs met. Instead of focusing on your partner and how little he is doing. 
 

Take care. 

Thanks for your reply. 
I actually have a really amazing support network with family and friends. It’s the love and relationship side that I’m feeling very lonely in

[S2B]

I suggest you not marry him since you feel so empty in this relationship.

after you marry it won’t improve. Don’t short change your needs.

[Cali Lisa]

It sounds like he is taking you for granted and doesn't feel like doing anything after he comes back from work. Maybe he is very tired. Does he like his job? Does he work overtime? Does he have a long commute? Is his job stressful or dangerous, does it entail huge responsibility? He might be depressed. Perhaps counseling with a person you trust could help. I would turn away from criticizing him and try to approach with a concern for him. If he shows no interest in you and his child, this is more than him just being a jerk. But if he is being a jerk then you need to know that and stop wasting your energy on someone who won't change. You need to address this problem TOGETHER. Be kind and considerate but firm about your expectations and don't back down. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Bubbles178 said:

. We have a 2 year old and own our home together. 
 My fiancé works away on mines so he’s away for weeks at a time sometimes, this doesn’t help the situation. 

Sorry this is happening. Do you both work? 

Unfortunately talking at him does change things. Actions change things.

Rather than the "I feel undervalued" conversation, be concrete and clear.

Ask him specific things to do. Get groceries. Throw a load of laundry in. Watch your child while you are out,etc.

Threatening about last straw is not effective either. 

Talk, especially about feelings won't solve your problems because your feelings are your concern. 

Talk about practical action based ways you need help around the house and with your child.

Unfortunately since he's away this much, you've gotten into single mom mode. Readjust that when he's around and speak up about, specifically, what help you need.

[glows]

3 hours ago, Bubbles178 said:

Long story very short. I’ve been with my partner for 6.5 years, been engaged for almost 6 months. We have a 2 year old and own our home together. 
Very much an up and down relationship, but the main issue for me is that I feel very undervalued and underloved. My fiancé works away on mines so he’s away for weeks at a time sometimes, this doesn’t help the situation. But when he’s home (I understand he’s tired), but he’s always glued to his gaming videos on his phone, even when I’m talking, it’s so rude and makes me feel so small. He doesn’t initiate anything for us to do together, doesn’t help out a lot at home when he is home, I have to ask him, same goes with tending to our toddler. He works hard, but I get no break at all. There is so so much more but I’d be typing for hours, literally. I love him and I want us to be a family. He knows he is on his last straw with me, we’ve had many big talks about how I’m feeling, and it gets me nowhere. Any advice or different approach I can take to make him see I mean it this time? 
p.s. We are in our 30’s if that helps. 

Thanks in advance. 

No ultimatums. Just tell him what you need done.

Initiating may not be in his nature. Some people don’t have a lot of initiative to begin with. It’s a good time to think about whether he has changed over the years or whether he’s not someone you see yourself with long term.

[divegrl]

10 hours ago, Bubbles178 said:

Thanks for your reply. 
I actually have a really amazing support network with family and friends. It’s the love and relationship side that I’m feeling very lonely in

This is great!

 

One of the best pieces of advice I got is that your partner is not supposed to meet all your needs. Society has trained us to put all these expectations on one person and it’s just not realistic. 
 

What needs does your partner meet…. Sexual? Financial?

How can you get your emotional needs met from other people? Family or friends. 
 

Take care. 

[mark clemson]

Among other suggestions above, consider instituting some time when he's to take a break from video games and spend it with you. Possibly just 1-1 time, perhaps a date night or similar (consider a sitter for the kid if you want that).

It sounds like this is who he is - doesn't make him a bad partner (although apparently there's more that you aren't writing?) but it's ok to insist that your needs be met to a reasonable extent in a relationship and it isn't fair to oneself to e.g. accept being constantly ignored or de-prioritized. Not only his "fun" but also to a certain extent his identity may be wrapped up in video games right now (which is probably part of why there's so much focus on it), but it's ok to make him make some mutual time for you so you can both be happy.

Try to be reasonable and flexible in how you approach this with him (but also firm that it happen in some form) and to cast it as a constructive, mutually enjoyable thing, not a "chore" for him.

Edited January 6, 2022 by mark clemson

[S2B]

You just may not be a good match.

[GloriaDaisy]

I would sit down and try to have a serious conversation with him. try to make examples of what you would like from him so hes clear. guys can be so literally sometimes. date nights, maybe one night on his games, one night with you.  

[Els]

5 hours ago, divegrl said:

This is great!

 

One of the best pieces of advice I got is that your partner is not supposed to meet all your needs. Society has trained us to put all these expectations on one person and it’s just not realistic. 
 

What needs does your partner meet…. Sexual? Financial?

How can you get your emotional needs met from other people? Family or friends. 
 

Take care. 

Surely being a parent to his own child is a need that SHOULD be fulfilled by the person himself, rather than offloading to relatives or friends? If this was a man complaining about his wife never spending any time with their child because she was addicted to her phone, would your suggestion be for him to get friends and family to watch the child instead of expecting the mother to do her part?

 

 

[Els]

16 hours ago, Bubbles178 said:

. He knows he is on his last straw with me, we’ve had many big talks about how I’m feeling, and it gets me nowhere. Any advice or different approach I can take to make him see I mean it this time? 
p.s. We are in our 30’s if that helps. 

Thanks in advance. 

Given that you have already talked yourself hoarse, I would straight up assign days where it is his turn to take care of his child and the home, split 50/50 between the two of you when he isn't away. If he wants to have the right to live in that home and have a child, he needs to put in his share. If he refuses to even meet you halfway, he will lose both.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Among other suggestions above, consider instituting some time when he's to take a break from video games and spend it with you. Possibly just 1-1 time, perhaps a date night or similar (consider a sitter for the kid if you want that).

Agree. It's not just about household stuff, but if he's away for long periods you two need to bond with intimacy as a man and women. So yes, get a sitter, put the games away and make time to be a couple, or there won't be a family.

[divegrl]

18 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Surely being a parent to his own child is a need that SHOULD be fulfilled by the person himself, rather than offloading to relatives or friends? If this was a man complaining about his wife never spending any time with their child because she was addicted to her phone, would your suggestion be for him to get friends and family to watch the child instead of expecting the mother to do her part?

 

 

Just trying to help OP get her needs met. 
 

Complaining at, to and about him isn’t working. Suggesting a different approach. 
 

Sending love!

[Els]

2 hours ago, divegrl said:

Just trying to help OP get her needs met. 
 

Complaining at, to and about him isn’t working. Suggesting a different approach. 
 

Sending love!

If he knows she's serious about leaving, though, he might actually get off his butt and do something with his own kid.

I know you mentioned that her experience is common - unfortunately it probably is. But that's an even bigger reason to do something about it - the status quo only exists because partners allow it to.