*The Healing, Hibernation Phase*

[Dis]

Hello guys!  

 

As you guys might know, I had a break up last spring. I dated my ex for about a year and a half. He was the most kind, loving, selfless man I had ever met. He was hilarious too. Made me laugh all the time. When I first met him, I wasn't too interested because physically he wasn't my type. Had bad teeth and had a lot of extra weight. But he came down to see me on my floor every day and cracked jokes, charmed the h*** out of me and before I knew it, I thought he was the sexiest man in the world. He was the first man to truly treat me with care, respect and love. I had never known kindness like the kindness he showed me. I loved him for who was was and felt like I found my person. 

 

Fast forward to living together...with him and his son. And it all fell apart. I wasn't a fan of his son and we had him on every one of our days off. There was no reprieve. I felt like I lost my relationship and like I had sacrificed everything that mattered to me for a kid I didn't even like. I fought so hard to be involved and to change how I felt, to will myself to feel okay with saying goodbye to the life I wanted so I could be with him. But low and behold, I knew I would never be happy living the way we did. So, I moved out and ended the relationship. 

 

After every break up I've ever had, I always went NC. Always. It helped me heal and and the men I usually dated weren't worth keeping in touch with anyway so it was easy to cut things off. But with him? I felt like I lost my best friend, my favorite person, my rock. WE weren't the problem. We loved each other so much. So since the move out last spring, we've been seeing each other on and off. Reopening the wound every time but simultaneously revealing in being able to be around each other again. To feel what we had again. 

 

I've dated some guys since then, when my ex and I weren't talking. And I didn't like any of them. They were too arrogant, or too short, or boring. I basically went out of my way find a reason not to like them.  For me, if they weren't my ex, I didn't want them. I didn't know that's what I was doing, but because I never let myself heal from my ex, never cut contact, I never gave myself a chance to truly move on. I realize now I wasted almost an entire year reliving the past with my ex rather than giving myself the time I needed to actually find someone better suited for me. Can't believe I did that. 

 

So, both my ex and I decided that time needs to happen now. Now is what I call, the hibernation period. The post break up phase where I cut the ex off, I don't look for someone new, I purge and bleed and heal. I always hated that phase but it's so necessary. I can't avoid it. To get to the light, sometimes you have to sit in the darkness for awhile. And that's what I'm preparing to do. 

 

Guess this is a vent and a way to hold myself accountable. I just hate having to do this but I know it's for the greater good. 

[Foxhall]

43 minutes ago, Dis said:

sometimes you have to sit in the darkness for awhile

but not for too long,

I sense light in your soul.

[Dis]

22 minutes ago, Foxhall said:

but not for too long,

I sense light in your soul.

Thanks so much for saying that ☺️

 

I have a lot of love to give the right person and can't wait to do just that

 

But I know I need to heal first...so here I am trying 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I guess I don’t understand.  If you love your ex so much and he was such a good person and good fit, why not be with him?  You don’t have to live with a person to be together.

Do you want kids and a family of your own? Is that why you had to break up?

[Dis]

3 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I guess I don’t understand.  If you love your ex so much and he was such a good person and good fit, why not be with him?  You don’t have to live with a person to be together.

Do you want kids and a family of your own? Is that why you had to break up?

I wouldn't be happy living apart from my partner. And I was miserableeeee living with his son. I really just don't want to deal with other people's kids and I don't mean that in a negative way, I just want different things out of life than raising someone else's kid or even being a part of that lifestyle. I want to travel, enjoy my partner. I thought I wanted kids before I met my ex but after dealing with his son, I'm pretty sure I don't want kids anymore. That's how much of a negative impact his son had on me. I'm not blaming anyone. But I was so deeply unhappy living that kind of life. 

 

Plus my ex is a very unhealthy person. He has Chron's, an enlarged spleen, fatty liver, a mass in his gallbladder, acid reflux, etc etc. He has severe insomnia as well. I love him to death and I want him to be happy but I don't think he's long for the world. His body is breaking down. That means that he basically just wants to sit on the couch all day. And I want to go out and live. 

[poppyfields]

40 minutes ago, Dis said:

Plus my ex is a very unhealthy person. He has Chron's, an enlarged spleen, fatty liver, a mass in his gallbladder, acid reflux, etc etc. He has severe insomnia as well. I love him to death and I want him to be happy but I don't think he's long for the world. His body is breaking down. That means that he basically just wants to sit on the couch all day. And I want to go out and live. 

Hi Dis and welcome back!  😅

Re above quote, I did not realize he was so unhealthy, a couch potato, low energy, insomnia, etc..  That's difficult.

Anyway when I first read your post, I initially thought it would be next to impossible healing and moving on given the love between you and how he was/is "your person" even after ending things.

But he really isn't 'your person' is he, given all his struggles and limitations and how you on the other hand want to go out and live life!  You're like night and day so it's MORE than just you not liking his son or wanting kids.  Your natures are entirely different from each other, they clash, you are incompatible.

So continue to focus on that, that you are worlds apart with respect to how you choose to live your lives and in time you WILL meet another man who is better suited to you and you to him, and who you may even love MORE than your ex.

He's out there, I promise you!  💛

Edited January 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[lonelyplanetmoon]

42 minutes ago, Dis said:

I wouldn't be happy living apart from my partner. And I was miserableeeee living with his son. I really just don't want to deal with other people's kids and I don't mean that in a negative way, I just want different things out of life than raising someone else's kid or even being a part of that lifestyle. I want to travel, enjoy my partner. I thought I wanted kids before I met my ex but after dealing with his son, I'm pretty sure I don't want kids anymore. That's how much of a negative impact his son had on me. I'm not blaming anyone. But I was so deeply unhappy living that kind of life. 

 

Plus my ex is a very unhealthy person. He has Chron's, an enlarged spleen, fatty liver, a mass in his gallbladder, acid reflux, etc etc. He has severe insomnia as well. I love him to death and I want him to be happy but I don't think he's long for the world. His body is breaking down. That means that he basically just wants to sit on the couch all day. And I want to go out and live. 

I see well in that case I approve of this message.  You go girl. There is definitely something or someone better out there for you.

As the saying goes when one door closes another one opens!  This is so true and has always been the case in my life.

Also not sure if you have read any Rumi but he talks a lot about how people are so afraid of being empty but actually an empty vessel can be filled.  His goal in life was always to be an empty vessel.  Being a full vessel is limiting.  Very much so.  Think about that!

 

 

 

[Dis]

1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Dis and welcome back!  😅

Re above quote, I did not realize he was so unhealthy, a couch potato, low energy, insomnia, etc..  That's difficult.

Anyway when I first read your post, I initially thought it would be next to impossible healing and moving on given the love between you and how he was/is "your person" even after ending things.

But he really isn't 'your person' is he, given all his struggles and limitations and how you on the other hand want to go out and live life!  You're like night and day so it's MORE than just you not liking his son or wanting kids.  Your natures are entirely different from each other, they clash, you are incompatible.

So continue to focus on that, that you are worlds apart with respect to how you choose to live your lives and in time you WILL meet another man who is better suited to you and you to him, and who you may even love MORE than your ex.

He's out there, I promise you!  💛

Thanks so much for this poppy ☺️

 

I think because of my deep love for him and because of how close I felt to finding, 'the one' I lost sight of the fact that we were incompatible not just because of his son, but because of his reclusive lifestyle and poor health

 

I remember living him with and what that was like. He would sit on the couch from sun up, to sun down, next to his son, playing video games. I remember when I saw that for the first time I thought, "Soooo, is this just for today or is this what happens every day?" I'm a busy body. I don't like to sit down too much in general. I like to be up doing things. When I'm at home, I'm still puttering around working on this or that or cleaning/cooking. My dad has a lot of flaws but he instilled productivity in me and to this day, I still place a lot of emphasis on being occupied and keeping moving. That's why I became a nurse! Because I'm too crazy to sit still! 😂

 

And our goals were different as well, I have a bucket list of places I want to travel to and while I don't mind being at home at all, I still love to go out spontaneously and grab dinner, go to a movie, take a walk in the city. He was done with all of that, even told me that. He said he had seen everything he needed to see and just wanted to be on the couch. He was very resigned and seemed depressed too. He admitted to me one day, that when his ex told him she was pregnant, he said he knew his life was over. Sounds like a harsh thing to say but he knew he was going to be a single dad and wanted to be around his son as much as he could...which turned into every one of his days off which meant, there goes any chance of having a life outside his son. I felt like I lost my life living the way he did too. I felt like all most hopes for a full, happy life were lost as I was stuck in that apartment day in and day out...then back to work...then back to doing nothing at home on our days off...I stopped living. 

 

I guess I just miss the person he is. He was so patient, kind, forgiving, dedicated. He cared about me so much. He put up with a lot from me and never held it against me. He really didn't have a bad bone in his body. Just a goofy, loving, sweet man. Finding someone with a heart like that is a tall order. 

 

But recently, I've started to do a lot of work on myself. I'm reading new literature and adopting a new way of thinking. We get what we put into life and I'm committed to vibrating on the highest level possible and therefore, reaping the rewards. I think I've gone about things the wrong way for a long time and I'm seeing that now. Time for a big energy shift. Time for change. ✨

Edited January 7, 2022 by Dis

[Happy Lemming]

2 hours ago, Dis said:

And I was miserableeeee living with his son. I really just don't want to deal with other people's kids and I don't mean that in a negative way, I just want different things out of life than raising someone else's kid or even being a part of that lifestyle. I want to travel, enjoy my partner.

 

100% agree... This is my number 1 rule on my "deal breaker" list, and has been for quite some time.  Like you, I did try to date a woman that had a kid and I HATED IT!

When you are dating someone with a kid, that kid has power over you.  The parent is hesitant to take your side for fear his/her ex will make some issue out of it.  I also found the woman I was dating was CONSTANTLY complaining about her ex-husband and money.  It got old... real quick.

My current long term girlfriend never had children and similar to you, she likes to travel.  Our wings have been clipped (slightly) because of the pandemic and now the Omicron variant, but we are still trying to travel to outdoor venues.  It took a very long time for the two of us to find one another, but we did.

@Dis... your prefect guy is out there, somewhere...  He is looking for you, and I know you'll find each other someday.

[Dis]

55 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

100% agree... This is my number 1 rule on my "deal breaker" list, and has been for quite some time.  Like you, I did try to date a woman that had a kid and I HATED IT!

When you are dating someone with a kid, that kid has power over you.  The parent is hesitant to take your side for fear his/her ex will make some issue out of it.  I also found the woman I was dating was CONSTANTLY complaining about her ex-husband and money.  It got old... real quick.

My current long term girlfriend never had children and similar to you, she likes to travel.  Our wings have been clipped (slightly) because of the pandemic and now the Omicron variant, but we are still trying to travel to outdoor venues.  It took a very long time for the two of us to find one another, but we did.

@Dis... your prefect guy is out there, somewhere...  He is looking for you, and I know you'll find each other someday.

Awww thank you and I know I'll meet him someday too! ❤️ 

 

It's my number one deal breaker now too.  Love the points you brought up. I'll go ahead and share some of my own...I have a lot to say in that area...

 

 I personally hated EVERYTHING about dating a single dad. I loved my ex but hated his life as a dad.

 

Hated having to deal with the ex. She wasn't a lot of drama but still had to see her. I'm sorry but I don't want to be reminded of someone's past in the shape of an ex or a kid. I want to start fresh and don't want to deal with that kind of baggage. The way single dad's think of their exs too. Well, "That's the mother of my kid." Like they're held in high regard and the problem I had with that is my ex's ex was unemployed, living in a rented duplex with her mom, didn't even have space in the duplex for a bed for the kid, was an alcoholic too. Me? I'm an RN. Financially and in all other ways, independent. I've made good choices in life, have my head on straight. But for some reason, I felt like I placed in second to  woman like THAT just because she birthed his child. I couldn't accept that on any level. 

 

Secondly, finances get tricky with kids. A lot of money goes to the kid that could've been spent on vacas or dinners out or a house. My money, other than bills and student loans, is free to go towards me and my partner, no one else is monopolizing my money. 

 

Third.... energy. My ex was exhausted and for good reason. I get plenty of sleep and want someone who does too. My ex had insomnia but always had to wake up early for his son. He was exhausted day in and day out. That got old. I need someone who has energy to go out and live life.

 

There's no spontaneity dating someone with a kid either. Want to go out to eat? Can't...the kid. Want to take a weekend trip? Can't....the kid. Want to run errands with me? Can't...the kid. There was no togetherness. Our time was always intercepted by the kid. And there's something so nice about just going to the grocery store with the person you're with. Can't even do that most of the time. I ended up going grocery shopping all the time just to get out of the house for a break...alone. 

 

To deviate off of the above, I got very little quality time with my ex. The kid was always around and never did his own thing. He was always 2 ft away from my ex. I love togetherness and closeness with my partner but with my ex there was next to none. Two is a couple and three is a crowd and I felt like I could never have my ex alone, just the two of us. It was always crowded and infringed on by the kid. Drove me nuts. 

 

Also....time. Kids are upfront and center. The world of a parent revolves around their kid. Day in and day out. I like a lot time/attention and don't have the patience to share that time/attention with someone else. Don't get me wrong, we have our separate lives, friends and interests but I need to be #1 and of course my partner would be my #1 too. To look at it simplistically, the constant sitting on the back burner didn't work with me.

 

Another thing I really didn't like that you mentioned too....the kid can never be in the wrong and sometimes, even the ex comes before you too...it happened once in our relationship and wow...it didn't go down well. Unless my ex's son got exactly what he wanted, he threw the most epic fits. And unless he got chicken nuggets and french fries for every meal...omg the world is ending. And as the step partner, you can't say anything. Blasphemy. 

 

And what if you don't even like the kid? What happens then? You're dealing with allllll of the above...for what? I personally didn't get any enjoyment out my ex's kid, whatsoever. It felt like I was constantly sacrificing for a kid I didn't even want to be around. The resentment was at an unreal level because of that. If someone choses to have a kid, fine but I didn't make that choice so making the same sacrifices a parent makes when I don't even like the kid??? It. Was. H***. Would never do it again. 

 

*I don't want to offend anyone by this post. I have so much respect for single parents, I couldn't do it. This was based off my experiences dating a single dad and I'm being honest which I'm unapologetic for. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Dis

[Cali Lisa]

4 hours ago, Dis said:

He was the first man to truly treat me with care, respect and love. I had never known kindness like the kindness he showed me. I loved him for who was was and felt like I found my person. 

And that's why you are so attached to him. He was the first who treated you right, he's your best friend. But he is not your type otherwise and he has a kid who is a problem. It was always a compromise, you settled for his kindness and sense of humor. Don't you realize the kindness is a trade-off for his kid? If he didn't have that kid, he wouldn't try so hard. You ran away from him. Trust your instinct. Now that you had someone who treated you the way you want to be treated, go find another good guy but without kids and with nice teeth. 

P.S. I had a guy with a small kid and it ruined the relationship, but later I realized the whole relationship was not as good as I thought it was. Everything you wrote that describes your relationship applied to mine, as well. This was long time ago, so I am not eager to remember it, but breaking up was a great thing. He broke up with me because apparently I was bad at faking I loved his kid. I wasted months of my life taking care of some brat who was nothing to me - for a guy who dumped me because of that kid. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Cali Lisa

[Dis]

2 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

I see well in that case I approve of this message.  You go girl. There is definitely something or someone better out there for you.

As the saying goes when one door closes another one opens!  This is so true and has always been the case in my life.

Also not sure if you have read any Rumi but he talks a lot about how people are so afraid of being empty but actually an empty vessel can be filled.  His goal in life was always to be an empty vessel.  Being a full vessel is limiting.  Very much so.  Think about that!

 

 

 

Thank you!!!  

That's a really interesting concept and I love it. I don't think we need to be perfect to find someone. I know a lot of people, especially on this forum advocate for being a complete person before you find a relationship and agree in some ways, but I also think we're meant to share our lives with someone so how can we be complete if we don't have that person? No, it doesn't mean we're heartbroken and desperate on our own, it just means, like you said, our vessel needs to be filled by someone else. 

 

Love it! ❤️ 

[IrinaM]

Quote

When I first met him, I wasn't too interested because physically he wasn't my type. Had bad teeth and had a lot of extra weight. But he came down to see me on my floor every day and cracked jokes, charmed the h*** out of me and before I knew it, I thought he was the sexiest man in the world. He was the first man to truly treat me with care, respect and love. I had never known kindness like the kindness he showed me. I loved him for who was was and felt like I found my person. 

Stop putting this man and your relationship on a pedestal (as above)^^^From the outside looking in, nothing about this man or relationship is "pedestal-worthy"

i don't have a lot of time to post, i wish i did, but i want to tell you that you are doing the right thing. everything you said about this man, quoted above^^^is far more than he deserved. I read all your posts at the time, and it seemed clear to me he's not good enough for you. He wasn't worthy of you, and I think you know that. I wouldn't even keep him as a friend, in your shoes, he has nothing to offer you. I was happy to find out you broke up, honestly. You are beautiful and have a great job and good character. What did he bring to the table? 

This man had a horrible child, and rather than taking responsibility for that, it seemed like this guy put you on the defensive, made you feel like you had to justify your childfree "sex and the city" lifestyle. YOU DON'T. This man had a child with a alcoholic loser, a very foolish life choice which will lower his quality of life, for the rest of his life, period. Being a parent is, first and foremost, about responsibility. The ability to tolerate a brat is not a prerequisite for motherhood.

Just because your life choices haven't led you to single parenthood, like his, doesn't mean you won't be a great mom one day, if you want to. Just because you didn't want to live with his horrible kid doesn't mean you won't love a different kid one day. These are your choices to make in your future. He's already made these choices, so let him live with the consequences. He will gladly drag you down with him if you allow it, because misery loves company.

[Calmandfocused]

Morning Dis. 
 

Your Op broke my heart. 
 

We know he’s fundamentally a good man - no one is taking that away from him or you. However your focus on this isn’t helping you. 
 

Id recommend that you focus all your attention on all the reasons why he was wrong for you, including his lifestyle choices. You know full well that you would and could not be happy in this relationship. He couldn’t have fulfilled your needs. 
 

I did and still do feel sorry for his son. It’s a shame it’s put you off children because I get the sense that half of the issues he displayed were due to him being raised on video games. If he’d had a normal childhood I sense your experiences would have been different. However …

 

The point is this man is not your one Dis. You’ll find him. You’re fundamentally a nice person whose very attractive and these two factors will serve you well. Just make sure that you make better choices. 

Edited January 7, 2022 by Calmandfocused

[Weezy1973]

I’ve also always been someone who completely cut off an ex to move on and start fresh so I get it. And it works. I never understood people who have a string of exes they’re still in contact with. Unless they have kids together of course. 

[Happy Lemming]

 

11 hours ago, Dis said:

 I personally hated EVERYTHING about dating a single dad. I loved my ex but hated his life as a dad.

Hated having to deal with the ex. She wasn't a lot of drama but still had to see her.

Secondly, finances get tricky with kids. A lot of money goes to the kid that could've been spent on vacas or dinners out or a house. My money, other than bills and student loans, is free to go towards me and my partner, no one else is monopolizing my money.

Want to go out to eat? Can't...the kid. 

Unless my ex's son got exactly what he wanted, he threw the most epic fits. And unless he got chicken nuggets and french fries for every meal...omg the world is ending. And as the step partner, you can't say anything. Blasphemy. 

I personally didn't get any enjoyment out my ex's kid, whatsoever.

OMG!!  I'm just highlighting a few of your points, but that was my experience, exactly.  I'm so glad you posted these instances, as everyone thinks I'm an Ogre because I don't want to date someone with a kid.

I'd like to expand upon two of your instances with my experiences.  As far as finances, it seemed I was expected to make up for any "shortfalls" when it came to the kid.  I didn't make this child, none of my money should have to go to one aspect of his/her upbringing.  But alas, there was one day when the single mother I was dating went on and on about how the child had no clothes, that the ex-husband never returned the clothing that she sent over with the kid for visitation.  During this time, I was living in a colder climate area and I really didn't want the kid to be cold.  As luck would have it, there was actually a "really great sale" on kids clothes at this local store, but of course the mother had no money and neither did the father. 

I went and got the mother on a Saturday morning and we went to the sale.  I purchased two of everything, exactly the same.  The cart was mounding over with clothing for the child.  I paid for everything, then we went back to my house and washed/dried/folded every new piece of clothing.  I made two big packages, one for the ex-husband and one for her.  The whole project took up most of the day.  As evening approached, she asked where I was taking her for dinner.  I told her I spent my disposable income for the week on clothing for her kid, there was no extra money for going out to dinner and a movie.  Then she goes off on me calling me a cheap &^@#* and so on and so forth.  I told her tonight's activities were spaghetti & a VHS tape and if she didn't like it, I could take her home.

I also want to agree with you about food for the kid and how its got go be their way or its the end of the world.  The only place the kid would eat (when we went anywhere) was McDonalds.  I can't stand McDonalds, even the coffee is horrible.  There is nothing there I wanted to eat and of course, we can't go anywhere else, as the kid would throw an epic fit.  And how did I always end up with ketchup all over me when the kid eats.  Why is my clothing the ideal place for the kid to wipe his/her hands.

My father warned me (repeatedly) to never date a woman with a child.  He always said "Why do you want to raise another man's seed??"  I should have listened and ran the other way when I met this single mom, but I had to learn this lesson the hard way.

 

[bene]

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you were that good of a match even without the kid. I understand that he loved you and treated you well but his sedentary lifestyle would have been a major incompatibility anyway. This was not the man to travel the world, take weekend trips and spontaneous getaways with you.

People with kids can lead active lives, in fact many activities with kids involve being outdoors and going places.

Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that the issues with the kid forced you to break up sooner. Because at one point your different lifestyles would have clashed anyway.

[Dis]

11 hours ago, bene said:

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you were that good of a match even without the kid. I understand that he loved you and treated you well but his sedentary lifestyle would have been a major incompatibility anyway. This was not the man to travel the world, take weekend trips and spontaneous getaways with you.

People with kids can lead active lives, in fact many activities with kids involve being outdoors and going places.

Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that the issues with the kid forced you to break up sooner. Because at one point your different lifestyles would have clashed anyway.

I absolutely agree with this and in a sad way, I'm thankful his son lead to a quick downfall of our relationship because it wasn't just his son that was the problem...it was that my ex stopped living and I myself? Have so much living left to do. 

[Dis]

22 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Morning Dis. 
 

Your Op broke my heart. 
 

We know he’s fundamentally a good man - no one is taking that away from him or you. However your focus on this isn’t helping you. 
 

Id recommend that you focus all your attention on all the reasons why he was wrong for you, including his lifestyle choices. You know full well that you would and could not be happy in this relationship. He couldn’t have fulfilled your needs. 
 

I did and still do feel sorry for his son. It’s a shame it’s put you off children because I get the sense that half of the issues he displayed were due to him being raised on video games. If he’d had a normal childhood I sense your experiences would have been different. However …

 

The point is this man is not your one Dis. You’ll find him. You’re fundamentally a nice person whose very attractive and these two factors will serve you well. Just make sure that you make better choices. 

I love this and I'm trying to remind myself of all the reasons why we didn't work so I can see really take in that despite getting close, he really wasn't the right person for me. I think I just want to hold onto the good things...the finally being loved...the finally being treated with care...and that distracts me from our fundamental incompatibilities. But in reality, there were quiet a few reasons why we didn't work out. I don't talk to my mom very often but one day, I just needed someone to talk to and she even said, "but remember, you didn't break up just because of his son, other things were at work." I'm making myself remember that now. 

 

I felt sorry for his son too. When I put my resentments aside and my frustration, even being a childless person, I knew his son wasn't being given the tools he needed to be an active, well adjusted kid. I tried numerous times to suggest things that would take him away from his video games, things that would give him something fun, yet purposeful to do. My ex would say that because I'm not a parent, I didn't know what I was doing but I can almost bet that my suggestions were a whole lot healthier than sitting the kid in front of a video game day in and day out. My ex had an idea that his son was going to go on to go to college and make something of himself and I never said it....but how can he realistically have that expectation when his son was so far behind the 8 ball for his age and never once was encouraged to do better? Well, it's all in the past but yes, I agree with you and I tried have some kind of an impact on a positive change... to no avail. 

 

And lastly, thanks so much for you kind words. I agree, that even though I came close, I'll find someone better suited for me and yeap, selectiveness is key

Edited January 8, 2022 by Dis

[Gaeta]

They say each person crossing our path has something to teach us. I hated it when people told me this after my breakup, you're probably hating it too. Like your ex, my ex was my very first kind, attentive & patient man. Before him I thought men were all difficult and impatient. That's all I had known up to him. So now life goes on and I know kind, attentive, patient & compatible men exist because I've experienced it....finally. I just need to find another one that's also faithful. 

It was a bad idea to remain friends with your ex but you did it for your reasons and you can't undo it. You can only move forward from here. That hibernating period is good and necessary. Enjoy the single's life and soon you'll be back on top. 

[poppyfields]

34 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

They say each person crossing our path has something to teach us

Absolutely!  Cut and paste to fridge as a reminder whenever life tosses you a lemon. 

When you ascribe to this mindset, you will see every disappointment and hurtful experience as an opportunity and blessing and learn, grow and evolve from it.

It has the potential to change your entire life.  💛

[Dis]

On 1/7/2022 at 12:56 AM, IrinaM said:

Stop putting this man and your relationship on a pedestal (as above)^^^From the outside looking in, nothing about this man or relationship is "pedestal-worthy"

i don't have a lot of time to post, i wish i did, but i want to tell you that you are doing the right thing. everything you said about this man, quoted above^^^is far more than he deserved. I read all your posts at the time, and it seemed clear to me he's not good enough for you. He wasn't worthy of you, and I think you know that. I wouldn't even keep him as a friend, in your shoes, he has nothing to offer you. I was happy to find out you broke up, honestly. You are beautiful and have a great job and good character. What did he bring to the table? 

This man had a horrible child, and rather than taking responsibility for that, it seemed like this guy put you on the defensive, made you feel like you had to justify your childfree "sex and the city" lifestyle. YOU DON'T. This man had a child with a alcoholic loser, a very foolish life choice which will lower his quality of life, for the rest of his life, period. Being a parent is, first and foremost, about responsibility. The ability to tolerate a brat is not a prerequisite for motherhood.

Just because your life choices haven't led you to single parenthood, like his, doesn't mean you won't be a great mom one day, if you want to. Just because you didn't want to live with his horrible kid doesn't mean you won't love a different kid one day. These are your choices to make in your future. He's already made these choices, so let him live with the consequences. He will gladly drag you down with him if you allow it, because misery loves company.

Wanted to say thank you for this and it really hit home ❤️ 

 

I think you're right and I've started to focus on what went wrong instead of what could've gone right

 

I think my ex is a wonderful person at heart but I really do think he dragged me into a mess. I know that I knew the jist of what I was getting into and I'm responsible for entering into it. No one forced me. But he really didn't have room for a partner on his plate and he should've made me aware of that. He kind of passed it off as, it will be fine and I of course stupidly believed it. Honestly? If I had my child on every one of my days off? I don't think I'd even try to bring someone into my life. What could I possibly give to them? What could I possibly offer? 

 

I deserve a guy who has as much to give as I do and I know I'll be with him when the time is right 

[SleeplessinFlorida]

How long does this phase normally last?

[Dis]

1 hour ago, SleeplessinFlorida said:

How long does this phase normally last?

There's no set time frame

 

It depends on how strongly I still feel about an ex and quickly I'm able to heal and not think of them often

 

After one break up I had, two exs ago, I didn't even take a healing break because he was such a jerk I didn't feel anything but relief getting away from him. But with this ex it will definitely take some time because he had a good heart and I felt deeply about him. 

 

Who knows how long it will take. But I want to take my time because I've tried dating since then and it didn't go well because I wasn't over him. Need to get through this before I can find my gem. 

[Dis]

I actually texted him a day or so ago asking if he had any rapid COVID test kits from work because I was sick and thought I had it

 

He said he didn't and tried to chat a bit, I cut the convo short and said bye and it surprisingly wasn't hard to do. I really do want to move on and it kind of feels like old news at this point. 

 

Hope that's a good sign 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Dis