Is being coy a bad thing? I feel like something went wrong in conversation, but I don't understand.

[TheBlingRing14]

I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks.

With the holidays, things kind of fell off for a little while. He went to visit his parents for a few days, then I was out of town for a few days. But, with our schedules getting back to normal, and back in the routine, we have been getting back to normal, as far as talking/chatting goes.

Anyway, Monday and Tuesday things were really going well. The banter felt great. On Tuesday afternoon, things were very jokey and flirty. You know how it is/feels when something is going somewhere.

Anyway, I won't specify what I said, and it wasn't too over the top, but I said something about there being a lot of places I'd like to get warm and cozy together. He replied with a smiley emoji, then asked, "Where is one of those places?"

The reason for my response was twofold: 1) I wanted to be playful but I also wanted to keep it somewhat classy. 2) I didn't want to "give it all away," so to speak. I wanted him to earn it, a little bit.

So my response: "You'll just have to use your imagination." Like I said...playful.

Apparently that was the wrong thing to say, because the next thing he sent was an eyeroll emoji.

Which, frankly, I thought was kind of silly of him. So....in order to keep the mood up, in order to show him I was being flirty....I didn't get sore about it. I just said. "Ok fine. I'll use my imagination then."

He said "Ok." And that was the last I heard from him.

Considering how high our rapport was as of Monday and Tuesday, then for him to just go stone cold...it just doesn't make sense. I can't imagine that it would actually upset him that much.

Am I missing something in what I said or the way I said it?

[basil67]

It doesn't make sense to you because you're judging him by what you knew up until that time.  Thing is, what he could well have been hiding is that he was just after sext and sex.  If this is the case, then him disappearing was a blessing. 

[Pumpernickel]

Sounds like he got bored with the text exchange. Sounds like he’s heard (or better, “read”) it all before. Sounds like he’s btdt. It also sounds like you overthought it and it backfired. It didn’t inspire him, plain and simple. 

10 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

about there being a lot of places I'd like to get warm and cozy together. He replied with a smiley emoji, then asked, "Where is one of those places?"

I mean, I would’ve automatically thought of a glass of Sangiovese in front a cozy fireplace after skiing, and I would’ve let him know, too….  but that’s just me ……  I wouldn’t have hinted at anything sexual, either, but I would’ve been more specific I suppose …… personally, I wouldn’t find it very inspiring to receive a reply along the lines of “I’ll leave that up to your imagination” after I ask a specific question. It’s just rather bland and boring, that’s all. It also doesn’t further the conversation. 🤷🏼‍♀️ - I would’ve probably sent a rolleye emoji as well; or nothing at all 

[Versacehottie]

Hi Blingring  so I would caution you not to overthink it. I think you are doing that to some extent as well as kind of trying too hard with him. It's good to play coy  but if a guy was sort of lackluster because he either wants more in the text exchange, wanted to see it go another direction or wanted it to be easier then I wouldn't put more of that same effort in.

If he sends you an eyeball emoji, I'd probably say something to him about it. You can be playful and sassy about that.  Try not to get reactive or passive aggressive. That just wipes away the playful vibe you'd be trying to give (which I think was poorly disguised trying too hard). If he falls off, then let him fall off.  You don't want to set up a bad pattern where the agreement is that he coasts with little effort and you feel bad and try harder.

Have you been on a date or just talking? It wasn't clear.

[TheBlingRing14]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It doesn't make sense to you because you're judging him by what you knew up until that time.  Thing is, what he could well have been hiding is that he was just after sext and sex.  If this is the case, then him disappearing was a blessing. 

I mean....maybe. I guess I feel like....if he was after sex and/or sexting, all he would have had to do was continue the conversation, and let the flirting and banter escalate to that point, ya know? 

After I said to use his imagination, he easily could have said, "Oh I am, and I am imagining..." fill in the blank, and it could have gotten to sexting/sex territory pretty easily. 

 

 

 

13 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Hi Blingring  so I would caution you not to overthink it. I think you are doing that to some extent as well as kind of trying too hard with him. It's good to play coy  but if a guy was sort of lackluster because he either wants more in the text exchange, wanted to see it go another direction or wanted it to be easier then I wouldn't put more of that same effort in.

If he sends you an eyeball emoji, I'd probably say something to him about it. You can be playful and sassy about that.  Try not to get reactive or passive aggressive. That just wipes away the playful vibe you'd be trying to give (which I think was poorly disguised trying too hard). If he falls off, then let him fall off.  You don't want to set up a bad pattern where the agreement is that he coasts with little effort and you feel bad and try harder.

Have you been on a date or just talking? It wasn't clear.

Yes, we have been on a number of dates. And, yes, we have slept together. 

Not sure which way that moves the needle, if at all. 

 

 

22 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Sounds like he got bored with the text exchange. Sounds like he’s heard (or better, “read”) it all before. Sounds like he’s btdt. It also sounds like you overthought it and it backfired. It didn’t inspire him, plain and simple. 

I mean, I would’ve automatically thought of a glass of Sangiovese in front a cozy fireplace after skiing, and I would’ve let him know, too….  but that’s just me ……  I wouldn’t have hinted at anything sexual, either, but I would’ve been more specific I suppose …… personally, I wouldn’t find it very inspiring to receive a reply along the lines of “I’ll leave that up to your imagination” after I ask a specific question. It’s just rather bland and boring, that’s all. It also doesn’t further the conversation. 🤷🏼‍♀️ - I would’ve probably sent a rolleye emoji as well; or nothing at all 

Okay fair enough. But, would it make you go completely cold? I mean....I could see him changing the subject if he found my response bland and boring. Or maybe just dropping off (He was at work when we were texting) and then messaging me again later that evening. 

However, your reply does have me thinking. He hates when I am vague or passive. He doesn't want to "Guess" where I ate today. He just wants me to tell him. "Can I ask you a question?" drives him up the wall....he wants me to just ask the question. So, I guess I could sort of see how being direct and specific may have been a better play. 

[poppyfields]

13 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

He hates when I am vague or passive. He doesn't want to "Guess" where I ate today. He just wants me to tell him. "Can I ask you a question?" drives him up the wall....he wants me to just ask the question. So, I guess I could sort of see how being direct and specific may have been a better play. 

Hi Bling, I was actually thinking this^.  That it's been a build up of you being indirect, vague and coy and your response was sort of the last straw.   

I can understand it too, there is nothing more frustrating than having to play guessing games or to ask a direct question and have it NOT be answered directly.  Even if your intent is to be flirty and playful, that's not always their idea of flirty and playful and things go downhill from there.

I am finding men respond much better to DIRECT and straightforward.

My sense is he was hoping to take the convo in a different direction perhaps to get a better sense of how attracted you are to him.

I mean that was what you were thinking, was it not?  Something a bit more alluring and sexually overt?  Not too over the top but something indicating your interest and attraction.

But you held back, had your guard up and played it shyly and coyly.

I hope you hear from him, but depending on how frustrated he was, he may be done.

These early stages are so precarious, attraction and feelings can literally change on a dime....

I hope I'm wrong, let us know and fingers crossed it works out for you!

Edited January 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[TheBlingRing14]

2 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Bling, I was actually thinking this^.  That it's been a build up of you being indirect, vague and coy and your response was sort of the last straw.   

I can understand it too, there is nothing more frustrating than having to play guessing games or to ask a direct question and have it NOT be answered directly.  Even if your intent is to be flirty and playful, that's not always their idea of flirty and playful and things go downhill from there.

I am finding men respond much better to that -- DIRECT and straight forward.

My sense was he was hoping to take the convo in a different direction perhaps to get a better sense of how attracted you are to him.

I mean that was what you were thinking, was it not?  Something a bit more alluring and sexually overt?  Not too over the top but something.

But you held back, had your guard up and played it shyly and coyly.

I hope you hear from him, but depending on how frustrated he was, he may be done.

These early stages are so precarious, attraction and feelings can literally change on a dime....

I hope I'm wrong, let us know and fingers crossed it works out for you!

 

 

I hope so too, but I guess I should be prepared that maybe this was the straw that broke the camel's back. 

I dunno....I guess I saw "Use your imagination" and being coquettish as sexier and more alluring (like you said) than "In your bed, Big Boy." 

 

 

[poppyfields]

3 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

"In your bed, Big Boy"....

I can almost guarantee had you said that, the outcome would have been entirely different!

And not just cause sex is all he's after, but because it indicates to him how sexually attracted you are, and that is always a turn on for men when they are sexually attracted to you as well....

And again, it was what you were thinking, was it not?  

Edited January 7, 2022 by poppyfields

[TheBlingRing14]

Yes....of course it was what I was thinking. 

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

It's the kind of thing that any Tinder hoe who has met someone for 20 seconds might say...

Except you are NOT a tinder hoe and HE knows that, so your saying it would have an entirely different effect on him than if some random tinder hoe had said it.

 

 

[kendahke]

Quote

Is being coy a bad thing?

Coy works the younger you are--like before the age of 25.

[Alpacalia]

So, if your text message was intended to cross the line into sexting territory, the words "use your imagination" could have been misconstrued as a slight. Or, kind of like saying to him "figure out how to turn me on." 

I mean, you said yourself, "I wanted him to earn it a little bit."

Then you finished with "Ok fine. Then I will use my own imagination." When he didn't.

Some men might not mind and might be up for the challenge, whereas it seems he was not.

Take it in stride and do not take it personally. There was just something about it that wasn't his style.

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

, we have been getting back to normal, as far as talking/chatting goes.

Is it a distance situation? Texting is not dating. 

Do you see each other in person often enough? How are things in person?

Step back from the text-tethering. It's not building rapport, it's creating misunderstandings.

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Not sure which way that moves the needle, if at all. . He hates when I am vague or passive. He doesn't want to "Guess" where I ate today. He just wants me to tell him. "Can I ask you a question?" drives him up the wall....he wants me to just ask the question. So, I guess I could sort of see how being direct and specific may have been a better play. 

Yes. It may have been better play from his perspective, But it would also have entailed you walking on eggshells around him and retraining yourself to be the kind of person he likes. You can do it if you want, but it gets exhausting.

Personally, I think your guy is rigid, and you're more of an accommodative kind of person. I don't think you're compatible in the long term. But if you're just looking for something short term and don't mind doing the hard work of keeping him interested, it may be doable.

[Blind-Sided]

OK.... I red over your original post 5 times trying to figure out if I missed something.  But as a guy... if I was already starting to date, and we were apart.... when I ask... "Where are one of those places"... I'm looking for a real answer.  OK, in your mind, you were being flirty.  But in his mind... he could have been asking a real question, and expecting an answer like... "A ski lodge by a large fireplace."  (something hi can use as a date plan) When someone gets a strange answer, they may get frustrated, especially if he has been waiting for you to be free again. 

 

[Versacehottie]

well maybe he wasn't in the mood lol. I actually still think you were trying too hard. And agree with whoever said maybe your approach just didn't do it for him.

I think though what I take from the interaction is that he sounds pretty dismissive of you, like maybe he's losing interest or not that into you. (sorry!).  Rolling his eyes is kind of rude toward someone you are newly dating and should be excited about. Even if he's a teasing sort of person, it doesn't really follow that he would just say OK and drop off.  Time will tell. 

Maybe you don't need to play coy since you already slept together. Needless to say, I'd take the focus off of him and center yourself. You didn't do anything wrong really and it shouldn't derail a whole promising relationship if it indeed is promising. You know your own weakness in a relationship: that you get anxious and overthink; I do think your last text to him is a little passive aggressive or that the whole exchange is a little calculated and that is maybe what caused his reluctance.  All of the things that you can work legitimately that are about you, you should do that and not stress about the rest just shore up your confidence. I kind of think you should say something to him about it the next time he contacts you. Inquisitive but NOT an inquisition😊

[introverted1]

I'm of the opinion th

14 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

However, your reply does have me thinking. He hates when I am vague or passive. He doesn't want to "Guess" where I ate today. He just wants me to tell him. "Can I ask you a question?" drives him up the wall....he wants me to just ask the question. So, I guess I could sort of see how being direct and specific may have been a better play. 

So if you know he "hates" when you are vague, and that it "drives him up the wall" when you make him guess, why did you then give him a vague answer that asked him to guess?  If you didn't already know his preferences, I'd have said that your responses, while not ideal, would not have turned off a guy who was interested in you.  But it seems you and he have already shared communication wants/needs/turn-offs and you still went ahead and responded in a way you knew he wouldn't like.  Rather than focusing on his response, I think it's worth taking a look at why you did something you knew would bother him.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, TheBlingRing14 said:

Mystery and intrigue is more of what I interpret as "alluring," ya know?

True but guessing games are for children and pulling teeth is for dentists. 

[smackie9]

Maybe his GF walked in the room....

[dramafreezone]

I expect women to be coy, but like anything it can be overdone.  Too much coyness can come across as childish/immature IMO.

It's ok to be openly sexual at times.

Edited January 7, 2022 by dramafreezone