Long term partner and childhood sweetheart says she doesn't love me in that way anymore

[JS2022]

I’ve been with my partner since we were kids she’s 26 I’m 29. We’ve had the best 10 years together made so many memories and done so much together then only thing we’ve not done is settle into what I refer to as the norm. (House and kids) the love we had was truly something that doesn’t come along that often. Over the course of the pandemic I’ve become depressed a bit and I lost a lot of weight and then put it all back on again. She had some eating related issues and comes from a broken family with substance abuse (alcohol) and didn’t have a stable daughter parent relationship although the relationship she had with them was loving and caring they would cause he so much worry and anxiety through there actions.

I’ve always been the rock and there for her as she has for me. The last two years took its toll on us we lived apart due to me looking after my Nan and her being vulnerable then she moved in, I had become a bit recluse during the start of the pandemic and it was hard to shake that off.

Our love remained but she wanted to have her own place which financially I couldn’t see how we could do it due to the pandemic my long term employment had been lost.

The last couple of months we’ve been working through things after her making it know she wasn’t happy. I genuinely thought we were getting somewhere I got a new job started earning again we were loving  and always up front and communicating throughout I did everything she asked me to do to make her happy in the environment we were in. We had a plan to get out of the situation and get a house. We had a nice Christmas she repeatedly told me she loved me and then yesterday she got home from work, told me it was over and she was leaving and her dad was coming to get her stuff in a few hours she packed, we cried and she left.

I’ve lost my best friend, my lover my everything. I don’t know how I can make her love me again. I know I need to give her space, I know I shouldn’t reminisce at this point and beg but it’s been 24 hours an I feel like an empty vessel my chest hurts when I breath I’ve lost the only thing I truly cared about the only person in the world that understood and accepted me for who I am. What do I do to fix it or don’t I? Help me 

Edited January 8, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
shorten title/paragraphs

[glows]

Did she tell you reasons why she wasn’t happy when you both were trying to work things out? What were they?

It’s only been 24 hours and you’re in shock. The sooner you realize and keep telling yourself it’s over the easier it’ll be to accept eventually.

It seems she’s been thinking about ending it for some time so while this is hitting you like a ton of bricks she’s had time to go over in her mind how to plan splitting up. It’s not a flighty decision she’s made. When you start to realize this you may also see seeking to cajole or change her mind is also quite disrespectful in the sense that you’re refusing to accept her reasons for being unhappy or leaving so do nothing except care for yourself.

The positive aspect is you are employed. Take care that you excel at it and don’t lag behind or cause your employer to doubt your abilities as you may still be in a probationary period. 

Keep posting if it helps. 

[JS2022]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Did she tell you reasons why she wasn’t happy when you both were trying to work things out? What were they?

It’s only been 24 hours and you’re in shock. The sooner you realize and keep telling yourself it’s over the easier it’ll be to accept eventually.

It seems she’s been thinking about ending it for some time so while this is hitting you like a ton of bricks she’s had time to go over in her mind how to plan splitting up. It’s not a flighty decision she’s made. When you start to realize this you may also see seeking to cajole or change her mind is also quite disrespectful in the sense that you’re refusing to accept her reasons for being unhappy or leaving so do nothing except care for yourself.

The positive aspect is you are employed. Take care that you excel at it and don’t lag behind or cause your employer to doubt your abilities as you may still be in a probationary period. 

Keep posting if it helps. 

She said she’s just not happy anymore and that she doesn’t love me in that way anymore. There’s been no arguing just a lot of painful emotions. I feel ashamed and embarrassed  I feel lost. If I made her fall in love once surly after a few weeks of space between us I can try again. I understand you when you say I should respect her I do respect her but I can’t give her up without trying to ignite that fire in her soul once more. She still cares and she’s had nothing bad to say about me. It all stems from our living arrangements. I just can’t stop thinking about her it’s torture. Thanks for taking with me 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, JS2022 said:

She said she’s just not happy anymore. It all stems from our living arrangements.

Sorry this happened. It seems like circumstances took their toll on the relationship.

The best thing you can do is get to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Discuss your withdrawal and despair. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Do this for yourself. Not to "reignite a spark".

Ultimately she didn't  "understood and accepted you" . She moved out and sadly explained it just wasn't working.

Focus on improving your finances, living arrangements, career and most of all, your health. Rethink fitness and lifestyle habits. Make a New Year's resolution to quit some bad habits.

For now, stop reading all those get-your-ex-back sites that prey on broken hearts and tell you, you can "reattract" an ex. Take time out for yourself to get things in order.

Edited January 8, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Schmaggie]

Yes, breakups are torture, especially when you are the one who has been broken up with. It is unlikely that you can re-ignite the spark. If she has moved on and doesn't feel the same way for you—regardless of why her feelings changed—that flame has burnt out. I know this from personal experience.

I have recently been dumped by a man who chased after me on and off for over 12 years. Talk about a flame that I thought would never burn out! We finally became a couple nearly 3 years ago. I have never loved a man more than I loved him. Not even my first love. Then the unthinkable happened this fall when I could see he was drifting away from me. Even before the breakup, he was in the process of moving on. I know there is nothing I can do to re-ignite that spark...even though he held one for me for nearly 15 years in total. To try to re-ignite it, to try to get him back, would be a painful experience for me if all of my efforts didn't work. It would be like pouring salt in to a wound.

It has been just over a month, and not a single day goes by that I don't hope and pray that he will reach out to me and ask me to be his girlfriend again. And every day I want to reach out to him to ask him if he wants to try again. I also cry daily about him.

But I do not reach out to him! Because I my already fragile heart could not tolerate any more pain and rejection from him if he were to say he still didn't want to be with me or if I found out he had a new girlfriend or was enjoying the single life, etc. Even if he were to say he wanted to get back together, I would be constantly worried that he would drift away again. I couldn't live in that constant state of anxiety. Nor should you! For your own peace of mind, don't contact her. Don't doing things that will end up with you feeling more hurt.

[Allupinnit]

I hate to say it but she probably met someone.  I find that people mostly don't up and leave a long-term, mostly happy r'ship after that many years without something else waiting on the other side.

Do NOT reach out to her, no matter what you do.  It will only reinforce to her that she made the right decision - "See?  He can't stay away..."

Breakups are the absolute worst.  I'd rather have a physical ailment than go through that crap again.  My heart goes out to you.  You're not accepting her decision right now, which is a normal part of grief, but thinking you still have a chance when she doesn't want to be around you is your broken heart talking.  There's no way around it but through, I'm afraid.

Luckily you are still young in your 20's and not in your 40's with kids and a mortgage.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Do NOT reach out to her, no matter what you do.  It will only reinforce to her that she made the right decision - "See?  He can't stay away..."

I cannot stress enough how important the above is ^^^^^whatever you do, do not reach out and beg, ask or cry for her to come back.  It will make you look weak in her eyes and reinforce that she did the right thing by breaking up with you.  Sadly, I agree with Allupinnit that there is another man in the picture somewhere.  People don't fall out of love just because of living arrangements.  There are too many women who are in love with guys who live in their parents basements and worse.  Breakups are suppose to hurt and do hurt so what you're feeling is natural.  The best thing you can do is start working really hard on your career, physical and mental health.  Get out of the house and meet new people, date when you feel ready.  Do not talk to your ex because it will keep you confused and she's not coming back.  Let her know you can carry on without her which will make you seem more attractive.  If there is another guy and I do believe there is, give them time to be together so she can miss you.  If you're constantly available to and for her she will never miss you or what you had.  It's very important to basically drop off the face of the earth as far as she's concerned.  You will get through this and be a stronger person when you get on the other side of this break up.