How do you cope with broken dreams of a happy family?

[Cali Lisa]

For those of you who are over 50 and single right now with no children or grandchildren, how do you look at people's happy family photos without envy and pain? I get it, it wasn't meant to be for us, no matter how much we tried. I have no doubt that I will meet some good guy someday. I recently ended a long-term relationship, so I am still healing (from his lying and cheating) and working on myself. I quite enjoy my career path thus far (switching careers at the moment so I am excited about it). I do have friends who are very supportive and I don't want a pet (I love animals but I am not going to quit my business venture to take care of an animal). Please don't ask me anything about my past, there is too much pain there.

I just don't know how I will live my life knowing that I will never have my own off-springs and grandkids. I am not even sure if my next man should have a family and IF I will love them - or if I am better off finding a man with no "lucky baggage" because I may feel like a 5th wheel and/or even become envious of his family. Any insight would be great. People who have found full happiness in their purpose, calling, careers, friendships or romance will be most inspirational. If you have a child, you are not in the same boat as me, but you can tell me about someone who is or was. Thanks in advance. 

Edited January 8, 2022 by Cali Lisa

[ShyViolet]

I can't relate to this mindset of not feeling like a complete person just because you didn't have kids.  I am 40, chose not to have kids, and most definitely don't want them.  I have other things I'd rather do with my energy and I need my peace and quiet when I'm at home.  It's not healthy to walk around with this mindset of "I'm an incomplete person" just because you don't have a husband or kids.  You need to find your purpose in life and be at peace with yourself, be able to stand on your own two feet emotionally.  If you meet a man to have a relationship with, then great.  That can add happiness to your life and enhance your life but it shouldn't define you.

[stillafool]

I'm in my second marriage with no kids.  I never wanted them.  I like kids and love my nieces and nephews and their kids and have always been the fun auntie because I spoil them rotten when I see them.  I can imagine for someone who has wanted kids the thought of growing old without them must be hard to bear.  There are a lot of children that need to be adopted. or fostered.

Edited January 10, 2022 by stillafool

[Pumpernickel]

I, too, am around 50, I never had kids and I never wanted them. I never regretted not having them. Not to this day - it was a very conscious choice. My ex does have children whom I got along with well but now I honestly don’t miss them and I also don’t miss anything about them, incl the potential of having step grandchildren. (If that’s a thing 😆)

 

What I do have is a close circle of friends and family who for the most part have children themselves and their own little families. I am also the godmother of multiple of those kids. And maybe that’s why I don’t feel deprived of anything. I help raise them, I am really close to many of them, I watch them, I get to see them & then I go home…. And i don’t mind….. but I don’t know - If there were no kids in my immediate family or friend circle whose life I could “share”, maybe I would feel worse about not having kids. All I can say is that I get to witness a lot of love within those families that I’m close with, but also a lot of struggle ….. struggle in school, with friends, kids not respecting their parents, kids feeling entitled, parents feeling stressed out, money problems, marriages going south …. you name it …… 

Maybe I’ve too much insight, bc I’m so close to some of them ….. But I honestly don’t envy anybody who has kids of their own ….. I absolutely DO enjoy hanging with those kids though who I ALMOST call my own ….. they share a lot with me, maybe more than they share with their parents 

[stillafool]

I notice that some people want children because they are afraid to be alone in their old age.  I know many parents who are of old age and barely if ever see their children because they have moved away or so involved in their own lives they don't make time to see them.  Having kids is no guarantee that you won't be alone when you age.  Their are too many old people in rest homes who haven't seen their kids in ages.

[Pumpernickel]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

some people want children because they are afraid to be alone in their old age.

Right - and that should never be a factor. 

What I do hear a lot is that as a parent you’ve got that feeling of “closeness”, that bond that’s there no matter what - and THAT I can understand somewhat ….. you know, to long for that bond with “someone you created” basically ……. But yeah, having children in order to NOT be lonely when you’re older - probably a bad strategy 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

My sentiments echo @ShyViolet and the others. I never wanted kids and a few years ago my marriage ended. I didn’t want that to happen but I am super happy now and feel really excited about my life. I haven’t wanted to get back into a relationship but I also don’t feel sad or lonely.

Most of my friends and family all have children, and I am truly happy for them. I have always made a concerted effort to avoid comparing myself to others - professionally, physically and personally. I have a strong sense of self and ability to march to my own beat (not that I am so out there -  but I am me, and try to just be the best me I can be).

I also have been through some tough things in my life (such my father taking his life at almost my age now) that has truly taught me to focus on what matters. 

I wish you all the best. 

[Cali Lisa]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I can't relate to this mindset of not feeling like a complete person just because you didn't have kids. 

Believe it or not, this is bombastically helpful for me. If it is possible for you to have that mindset, I want it, too. I will acquire it somehow. I will work on it with whatever strengths I have. It's too soon to say thank you, but I am thankful for this much because it is a beginning. And I love beginnings. 🙂 (They always come with endings, though). 

[Dis]

I don't think I want kids but I can relate the the envy I used to feel when I would see young moms my age with their kids back when I used to want kids. That little twinge of pain hit me every time. But now? After living with a five year old? I don't want kids anywhere near me lol. I like my quiet, my peace, my freedom to do what I want when I want. 

 

I can relate of course to not having found a lasting partner though.. at least not yet. That for sure is a gaping wound for me and not because I need one to feel complete, but because I have so much to share and there's so much I want to do in life WITH someone. But I know I'll meet him when the time is right and I trust in that. 

 

In terms of not having the life you thought you had, that's life. In my early twenties I thought I'd be a housewife with kids in my 30's. And now I have no kids, thankfully. I'm a strong, competent RN thriving in my field and with time I'll be with the man who's right for me. 

 

Embrace the curve balls, embrace change and think positively. You get what you put into life. Manifest it and believe it.