Did I mess all this up? or was she not as into me as I thought?

[Cavek7992]

Hello all, new here. Ive never posted on anything like this, but I figured since this is a long distance forum, you would all understand my situation the most.

Where to begin with this?

Shes 25 now (As of 29th) and Im 29


So, we met in August, over a dating app, facebook, funny enough. (Didnt know they even had one) The very sad truth though is, as we matched, I live in Maryland, she was in PA (Lancaster) visiting her mom, she told me this as we matched. So it goes like this, she was visiting for like a month, and we were unlucky when we matched because she was literally leaving in a few days and we couldnt get out to meet eachother before she left, so she had to fly back to Mexico. Her plan, her goal, was to finish her degree there (November is when she finished, horray) And then find permanent work in PA, to be near her mom. Simple. Solid.

Now, I wasnt talking to anyone other than her, so we would talk daily. It wasn't a chore, it wasn't forced. We both felt the huge chemistry between us, regardless of meeting yet. We would video chat every night just about, even streamed movies at the same time, (Netflix, theres this app that lets you stream at the very same time, so you can watch shows and movies together, her idea) We would talk about anything, her past, her job, her life, and we both would share eachothers feelings. When we would text, it was very 50/50. I think it was around october I just asked her if she wanted to be serious, like, be my girlfriend since we basically were, just never said anything. She agreed and said that sounded perfect.

We had this plan to meet around January or February, because she was going to visit her mom then, and I believe also look for permanent stuff down closer here.

The talks grew, the feelings grew. We would always talk about how meeting would be incredible, and we couldnt wait to see each other.


And then she drops the biggest bombshell, in December, around the 20th? She said her career talked to her, and wanted her FULL time in Texas, now shes a project manager, in engineering I believe, and I would NEVER get in the way of that, but when she broke the news to me, I wasn't exactly excited as you can all guess. I was sad. My past Ive been hurt quite a few times, and I guess I was afraid of losing the best thing thats happened to me in a while, so when she told me the news, I said "Thats great! Wow.. Gosh.. so, may I ask, what your plans with us are?"

This was 2 weeks ago, so I dont have the exact words we said, but she basically said until we meet in MAY (She changed the date because of her job) we should be friends, be normal. No flirting, no calling really, no being weird (Meaning no sexual jokes between the two of us) JUST friends, until May, and then we can try.


Now, I wasnt fond of this news, I was crushed, I asked her to reconsider, and said it would damage our relationship if we did that. Her reasoning if I remember at the time, was that its better this way in case things happen, to prevent us from being hurt. When we got off the phone, she confused me with a text saying that her career didnt have to affect our relationship, and that even though shes moving she wants us to work, and that she loves me. I said of course her career doesnt have to affect us, I would support her regardless.


The two weeks up to this point have been kinda hell, Ive tried to remain normal, but as you ALL can probably imagine, we cant SWITCH off our feelings, she said she loved me, and I also admitted to her that I felt the same, so trying to be normal was out of the question for me. She became short with her texts a lot of the time, wheres as normally she wouldnt be. When I asked her what was wrong, she said nothing that we are just friends right now so thats normal.

I asked for clairty on the friendship thing a week ago, and said I hurt her when she explained the news to me, she said it sounded like I was dismissing our relationship the moment she moves to texas, and that actions speak louder than words.


I did my best to be normal, but, for her birthday, (29th) I sent her flowers, she liked them, but I would also be my normal self when we text. Nothing TOO flirty, but, I put effort into my texts to show Im still here, if that makes sense.

I asked her flat out if she just wanted to be friends permanently, if that was the goal? She said no, she wanted to try in May, but I was making it difficult. (Again, when I fall, I fall hard, and I was used to the loving nature from her, so going from that to, very short texts from her, was hurting me, a lot, and it showed)


Finally, we had a big convo a few days ago, she didnt talk to me much after New years Eve, I figured she fell asleep, didnt hear much the whole day after, I asked her if she partied too hard and laughed she said yes, I asked if I could call that night, she said no she didnt want to, no follow up, no emotion, nothing. I felt hurt. I needed to get things off my chest, I needed to tell her that this friendship thing until May wasnt going to happen because I couldnt switch off like that. So I told her, "Even for a few minutes, let me know, I need to get somethings of my chest. I hope Im not bothering you tonight sweety"

She acted concerned, and asked if I was okay? She was sickly, and she lost her voice.

I said "Hey its okay! Im so sorry your sick, get some rest, the fact you asking meant so much to me, I had problems last night but Im better now."

She sent me a follow up text that morning "I dont know how to feel about you..."

So we talked, she explained that the friendship wasnt working, that I was making things hard these past few days. I made her feel bad/guilty for not calling, (I never tried to make her feel bad, I just made it known I was a little hurt) and if her texts were short, I asked if everything was alright. She said she doesnt think she wants a relationship anymore, even in May.


I told her my side of things, that I felt scared when she told me the news of her moving, I was excited for her, but also scared because when you have something this great, you tend to get nervous, thats a BIG step, moving like that, so I explained, and she said it felt like I was comparing her to others? I told her no, but given my past, I was hoping youd perhaps see that this is a huge thing for me, that I was simply scared of losing her. She said we can attempt to be friends still, that she still would like to meet me in May, but theres no 100% guarentee that she will want anything more when we meet.



Im so sorry for that being so long, but, my question is, did I ruin this? Trust me, I tried turning myself off when she suggested the friendship thing, but it was too hard.

I think this is over... But, I wanted to ask you all, if I truly ruined this, or maybe she wasnt as invested as I thought? She told me with moving and everything, she doesnt think she wants a relationship currenltly, but I feel like things changed TOO quickly for that explanation to make sense.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Cavek7992 said:

I live in Maryland, she was in PA visiting her mom, she told me this as we matched. so she had to fly back to Mexico. She said her career talked to her, and wanted her FULL time in Texas.

Sorry this happened. Where did/does she actually live? It sounds like you dodged a bullet since she hops on dating apps and yet is all over the place.  Delete and block her. Next time you are on dating apps make sure you set the distance so you can meet for coffee in a week or so. People who can't/won't meet are a red flag.

[Cavek7992]

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Where did/does she actually live? It sounds like you dodged a bullet since she hops on dating apps and yet is all over the place.  Delete and block her. Next time you are on dating apps make sure you set the distance so you can meet for coffee in a week or so. People who can't/won't meet are a red flag.

She lives currently in Mexico, and had plans this year to move to PA permanently, be closer to her mom, but her job/career said they want her in Texas full time. Thats how all this started.

[glows]

Leave it alone and don’t text or call her anymore. This is essentially over. If you can’t demonstrate you both have the same /similar priorities it’s not actually a match. Forget what a random algorithm told you on an app. 

What she’s showing and telling you is that career and stability comes first. Romance is further down the list, dependent on a host of other factors. You are doing the exact opposite by emphasizing your feelings instead of sharing her approach. She’s not the one for you if you can’t see eye to eye. 

Regardless it was unlikely to work because of the distance. If she reaches out in May or later in the year that’s fine. You can decide later if it’s worth responding. 

[Cavek7992]

39 minutes ago, glows said:

Leave it alone and don’t text or call her anymore. This is essentially over. If you can’t demonstrate you both have the same /similar priorities it’s not actually a match. Forget what a random algorithm told you on an app. 

What she’s showing and telling you is that career and stability comes first. Romance is further down the list, dependent on a host of other factors. You are doing the exact opposite by emphasizing your feelings instead of sharing her approach. She’s not the one for you if you can’t see eye to eye. 

Regardless it was unlikely to work because of the distance. If she reaches out in May or later in the year that’s fine. You can decide later if it’s worth responding. 

I was trying to share her approach shortly AFTER she told me the news, its just when she told me, it was a bit of a shock honestly. (Also isnt this called the long distance form, why are we dismissing the relationship over distance already?)

But at this point there really isnt much I can do I feel like, like you said, she's sort of made up her mind pretty quickly which is sad.

[ExpatInItaly]

You didn’t ruin it, OP. 

She probably just realized that she doesn’t want to invest in someone she’s never met and couldn’t really see things working with her moving to Texas instead of closer to you. It seems she just didn’t have the heart to tell you that she’s lost interest and tried to blame you.

But I think it was over as soon as she accepted the position in Texas. I’m sorry. 

In the future, don’t make any sort of commitment to someone you’ve never met. Don’t spend hours online together when you don’t have the chance to meet soon after your first contact. It builds up too much false intimacy and expectations when you’re still essentially strangers to each other. 

You’ll move past this, but it will important to cut contact with her.