What's his deal? He mentioned financial troubles then dropped off the radar.

[bloop]

HI gang!

Am new here, would be really grateful if someone could give me some advice on what may be going on here / what I should do next.

Met a guy online.  We're really attracted to each other physically, but we live 8 hours apart.  

He doesn't make much money, but talked about working hard to save up to come & see me (big plus point in my book).

In the beginning, communication was very consistent.  We would update each other throughout the day, and send each other videos to communicate, and he says he sees me as a potential longterm partner, our conversation turns sexual sometimes.

Then as time dwelled on, I noticed he wouldn't reply for a few days a few times.  I never asked what was up as I assumed it was just the ebb and flow of conversation.

He eventually revealed to me he moved to another part of his country.  

We also talked about going on holiday together, and eventually, I asked him how long it would take to save up.  He doesn't give me a direct answer.  After some probing, he reveals that he got into a car accident (around the time he started to become more distant), and is in a "weird & unfortunate" financial situation (his words), and says it's partly the reason why he had to move.  He's expressed that he truly does want to meet me.

I probed more and asked whether it's because he has to pay damages to his car or whether he's running from something.  He said 'no', then I asked whether it's because he has to pay the other guy compensation.  I sent that three days ago, he's read it but never replied.

What do you think is going on here?  Should I offer to help (I'm quite well-off)?  Honestly, I really like this guy, and from his videos, I could sense that we could have a real connection (no easy to find).  He suggested I should buy a place around where he is, and we'd live together & 'live it up', haha.  

Or should I wait for him to respond (IF he will respond)?

Do men feel it's a blow to the ego to talk about their financial failures?  (my ex shut down the same way when I inquired).

I feel like sending something like "hey, is everything ok?  maybe i could help, but i don't know what the deal is.  i actually wouldn't mind coming to _____ to see you (insert cheeky, sexual reason here to keep it lighthearted), but if you're not keen, that's ok too, take care".  or something along those lines.

Would that come across as desperate seeing that we've only talked for a month?  😕

Please advice, thanks!

[basil67]

So what you've got is a guy who you've only know a month, have never met in person, lives 8 hours away, allegedly has financial problems, moved house without even mentioning it and can't communicate about either his feelings or what's going on.

If your best friend gave this scenario to you, would you recommend she go meet him?  

Edited January 9, 2022 by basil67

[bloop]

I see your point, but the devil is in the details.

And hey, I never said I'll jump on a plane right away, obviously, I'm going to gauge his response.  If he's still lackluster, and doesn't give me much to work with, then I have my answer.

I guess what I'm trying to ask now is he to find out whether I should even send that last text, or should I just leave him be, and let him respond (if he wants to).

[chillii]

You probed the wrong questions and he obviously doesn't need you on his arse right now about whatever his situation or might be going through. it's only been a mth. And where does ego come into it , if you were having whatever personal problems right now you may just not wanna discuss it all with him just yet either. Some people women or men don't ever like discussing them with anyone.  And basically suggesting he might be running from something it doesn;t surprise me at all he's backed off.

What you really need to know is whether he's still feeling the same first of all. But of course he may be too busy with his other problems and moving countries right now to even know himself . Give it some time.

Edited January 9, 2022 by chillii

[bloop]

Thanks, @chillii, i must admit i haven't looked at it from that perspective.  thank God for forums!

So you think I shouldn't offer to help at all?  And just say nothing?  I'm just afraid to lose him (though i know he must also feel the same for anything to happen).

I just don't want to lose him (if he's still at all interested).

At the very least, I really want to have sex with him, as he's just my type, and he's huge!

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, bloop said:

Met a guy online.  We're really attracted to each other physically, but we live 8 hours apart.  He eventually revealed to me he moved to another part of his country.  

Unfortunately it sounds like you are communicating with a scammer. This is a very common scenario for romance scams (google it). They reel you in but due to some unfortunate tragedy they can't meet and have financial issues etc. Immediately delete and block this entity from all your social media and messaging apps.

[bloop]

huh?  but he hasn't asked me for any money, he's straight up ignoring me now.

he only told me if his troubles when I commented that he only seemed to he chatting chatting not meeting.

oh and I didn't straight up accuse him of running from something.  I did it in response to him telling me that he moved because of what happened.

if someone told you they moved due to a car accident, wouldn't you think they were running from something too?

Edited January 9, 2022 by bloop

[Estes]

For whatever reason he has lost interest. You can't force these things. Definitely don't send him any money. If he comes around again maybe offer to come visit but book a hotel room remember you really don't know this guy.

[bloop]

I won't send him money, but is it unwise to send one last mssg just to see whats up?

[Estes]

Why not? Nothing to lose.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, bloop said:

Should I offer to help (I'm quite well-off)?

Absolutely not. You don't know this man, and have no idea if there really was a car accident - let alone if he's even single. Maybe the car accident is really just that his girlfriend found out he's been chatting up women online. 

See if he bothers responding. I personally would not try to chase more answers out of him, and would keep in mind you have no idea what his situation really is. 

[bloop]

agree.

what should i send as a last mssg though?

the last thing I want is to sound desperate / needy.

or would it be better to write nothing and just wait?  because it sends the mssg that I'm confident / not needy.

I'm very good-looking & well-off (not bragging).  he keeps on saying he thinks he's fat (he's not, I think he's hot, but it's possible he doesn't think he is and just says that), and he keeps on asking me why I'm single.  the only thing that may make him hesitate is that I'm quite a bit older than him actually (no gap visually, just chronologically).  at the beginning he asked I mind that he's younger, and I said I didn't.

I dunno, from his texts, he says babe, and baby a lot.  a bit of player vibes, but who knows.  he also likes to ask for pictures of me.

I get a lot of guys, but it's hard to find a special connection.  and I'm not used to being the one rejected.  it irks me that I don't have answers, I can't even concentrate on other stuff

Edited January 9, 2022 by bloop

[Estes]

The age gap can be a big deal, even if you don't look your age. My guess is that he's having an issue with that, and/or his recent accident has got his head in a bad place and he doesn't have the energy or motivation to pursue a relationship but that's anyone's guess.

Doesn't matter what you send as a message, it's not like a particular wording will cause him to change his mind one way or another.

If he's on the fence about reaching out then perhaps a message from you might give him the nudge but it sounds like your wasting your time.

Rejection happens to all of us. Probably just better to accept this one's in the past and keep it moving forward.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, bloop said:

Should I offer to help (I'm quite well-off)? 

No. Never give money to a stranger.

7 hours ago, bloop said:

Honestly, I really like this guy, and from his videos, I could sense that we could have a real connection (no easy to find). 

You don’t know this man. You have never met him in person and there are some SERIOUS red flags. 

Sure, it’s not always easy to find a connection with someone else but not so difficult that you need to invest in a relationship with a man that you have never met, who doesn’t communicate with you reliably, who is not financially secure… Do you see what I’m saying? Red flags. 

30 minutes ago, bloop said:

what should i send as a last mssg though?

I don’t think you owe him a last message. He is losing interest (probably because you haven’t sent him money yet) and so should you. You would be wise to lose his number and look for someone local you can date in person. 

[Pumpernickel]

7 hours ago, bloop said:

and is in a "weird & unfortunate" financial situation

 

7 hours ago, bloop said:

doesn't make much money, but talked about working hard to save up to come & see me

7 hours ago, bloop said:

He suggested I should buy a place around where he is, and we'd live together & 'live it up', haha.  

These are only a few things I noticed. Now I’m wondering if he knows you’re “well off” or not. 
 

Of course he’s not directly asking for $$, that would be way too obvious, but he keeps hinting at it a lot, don’t you think? If you’re worried about his manhood & ego being bruised if you help him out financially, don’t worry - if that were a problem, he wouldn’t constantly mention his financial situation to you in the first place. 
 

I would not draft a “last message” - I’m sure he’ll be back. 

[BaileyB]

38 minutes ago, bloop said:

the last thing I want is to sound desperate / needy.

And yet, you sound exactly that. One would have to be desperately lonely to even consider meeting a man when all evidence points to the fact that he is either scamming you or he has some pretty significant personal issues.

Kindly, where is your common sense? All this talk of pursuing a man who has these kind of red flags because it’s hard to find a special connection with someone is the kind of reasoning that people use when all common sense and good judgment have gone out the window - 

Edited January 9, 2022 by BaileyB

[Acacia98]

2 hours ago, bloop said:

Thanks, @chillii, i must admit i haven't looked at it from that perspective.  thank God for forums!

So you think I shouldn't offer to help at all?  And just say nothing?  I'm just afraid to lose him (though i know he must also feel the same for anything to happen).

I just don't want to lose him (if he's still at all interested).

At the very least, I really want to have sex with him, as he's just my type, and he's huge!

Do not offer him any financial help. That is never your role as someone who's supposed to be dating him. Ideally, you're supposed to be getting to know him as he is. That includes getting a sense of whether he is financially responsible. Now, all of this assumes that he's a good guy who just experienced a spot of bad luck. Remember, he was managing just fine before you came along. If he had never met you online, he'd have to figure this problem out without your assistance. So let him do that. If it means he needs to stop communicating with you to focus on his problems, let him do that.

That's my optimistic take on things. There's a more negative possibility, and it's this: Maybe he's a guy who goes online to meet lonely women and ultimately manipulate them into sending him money. 

Edited January 9, 2022 by Acacia98

[dramafreezone]

Guy has financial troubles, it's a long distance relationship right off the bat, this is just not going to go anywhere good.

Other people are saying he's trying to scam you.  I don't know about that.  There's enough *confirmed* potential pitfalls (he's broke, long distance) to move on without assuming the absolute worst about him.

Edited January 9, 2022 by dramafreezone

[glows]

He’s not responding because he’s not in a good place. Leave it alone and don’t pursue. 

Go back to the drawing board and ask yourself why you’re pursuing men eight hours away in tough spots. 

 

[missgangrene]

Does he know you’re well off?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, bloop said:

or would it be better to write nothing and just wait? 

This. 

You have already sent a message that he hasn't replied to. The ball is in his court. 

[Estes]

Not seeing that he's a scammer as inferred or openly stated by other posters on this thread.

From what she posted, he never asked for money and just faded out.

That much being said, it's entirely possible that he is a scammer, and did in fact suggest or request money from her or in some way manipulated her and planted the thought in her head that she could "help him out financially" as she herself stated on this thread. Since she didn't send a check, he's moved on to other potential targets.

So to the Op- if you carefully think about conversations especially those related to his accident, was there possibly any suggestion that he needed financial assistance? Because you certainly have the notion that he does.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, bloop said:

I won't send him money, but is it unwise to send one last mssg just to see whats up?

Just let it go. Date local men you can meet in a timely fashion.

Scammers often do not overtly ask for money asap, they build up a romance first, gain trust and build a "connection" to get you hooked like this .

https://www.fbi.gov/scams-and-safety/common-scams-and-crimes/romance-scams

[Estes]

Do scammers typically do the slow fade and ultimately disappear without  getting a penny?

Who knows maybe he gave up because his subtle tactics weren't working and the Op was totally oblivious to his covert attempts to extort money from her, and/or he's busy working on other targets that are proving more productive, or perhaps this is part of the game- he'll suddenly show up again figuring she'll be so elated to hear from him that she'll throw him boatloads of cash in an attempt to keep him from disappearing again.

Or he isn't actually a scammer and just lost interest for whatever reason.

 

[missgangrene]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just let it go. Date local men you can meet in a timely fashion.

Scammers often do not overtly ask for money asap, they build up a romance first, gain trust and build a "connection" to get you hooked like this .

https://www.fbi.gov/scams-and-safety/common-scams-and-crimes/romance-scams

Yes. And then something terrible happens, like an accident or a sick relative they have to take care of, and they’ll keep bringing up how hard it is. Conveniently, they never live near the person they’re communicating with. They used to target the elderly but with the internet now, they’ll target anyone who responds. 
 

OP describes herself as being very attractive and well-off. It makes no sense to entertain this questionable situation.