Pregnant with married affair partner of two years.

[Allupinnit]

Don't let him pressure you into a decision you can't live with.  I honestly don't think he's going to be surprised (at least he SHOULDN'T be) given that you have used no protection and he said he didn't care if you got pregnant.  

I think you need to talk to him ASAP.  

[S2B]

Did he ever say what he would do (what action he would take) to participate in a child’s life once you became pregnant?

[LShalcy]

20 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Don't let him pressure you into a decision you can't live with.  I honestly don't think he's going to be surprised (at least he SHOULDN'T be) given that you have used no protection and he said he didn't care if you got pregnant.  

I think you need to talk to him ASAP.  

I think he probably suspects because I did tell him I had something to tell him. 

I’m scared that this is going to change *everything*, despite what he’s said about wanting me to get pregnant. I’m not naive enough to think this is *definitely* going to be a “happily ever after”.

[Allupinnit]

39 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I think he probably suspects because I did tell him I had something to tell him. 

I’m scared that this is going to change *everything*, despite what he’s said about wanting me to get pregnant. I’m not naive enough to think this is *definitely* going to be a “happily ever after”.

Gently, this could have all been avoided had you used protection like we begged you in your last thread.  We all saw this coming from a mile away but, you went ahead and did what you wanted because of his sweet words you were too willing to believe.  We knew he was lying to you because he was lying about being MARRIED to begin with!  

Now you are both faced with what probably feels like an impossible situation.  I am so sorry for the innocent parties involved here.  

[BaileyB]

47 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m not naive enough to think this is *definitely* going to be a “happily ever after”.

That would be *very* naive.

47 minutes ago, LShalcy said:

I’m scared that this is going to change *everything*

Of course, it will change everything. There is no happily ever after here - particularly not for your other two children. 

Edited January 12, 2022 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, LShalcy said:

 what he’s said about wanting me to get pregnant. 

Why would he want to put you in such a horrible position? Hopefully you don't use this as a bonding situation.

[Crazelnut]

Are you going to heed the advice this time? Because there's no point in us wasting our breath if not.

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would he want to put you in such a horrible position? Hopefully you don't use this as a bonding situation.

This is the question. I think for OP, it’s been a rather romantic fantasy. For him, perhaps a fantasy or maybe a better word - a kink. 

Still, to impregnate another woman who is already raising two children on her own when he knows full well that he is married and has a child with another woman is just a horrible, horrible thing to do. 

The fantasy is about to end - 

[pepperbird2]

22 hours ago, Prudence V said:

The difference is her xH is paying child support for the other two, and seems to be an interested father. This loser won’t be. To get CS for this one, she’d need to prove he was the father, and get it ordered through the courts. I don’t know what prison guards earn in the US but in most countries it’s unskilled low wage work - he already has another kid and a wife to support, so there won’t be much available for an OW child. 

Neither the MM or the OP here has any sort of moral high ground.
Op, it's 100 percent your decision what to do, but if you got pregnant as a manipulation tactic ( I hope you didn't), that's just plain sick. This is a baby-a new human life we're talking about. I'm not trying to be crass, but if you choose to keep the baby, "you" go n the back burner. No more worrying about how this guy feels about you.

I would also advise you to get into same  therapy. Get yourself into a good place emotionally so you can be the best mom you can be. You sound like you have a good heart but you're making some less than stellar choices. For the sake of your kids and yourself, kick this guy to the curb. Except from the perspective that he could be the father of your child( if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy) don't give him anymore space in your heart and mind. He's not worth it.

Edited January 12, 2022 by pepperbird2

[Whaatamidoing]

I too, sadly found myself in this situation after 5 years. I deliberated for a long time on whether to tell him or not, I decided that although I felt the decision was mine that he should probably know. I hoped that he would be pleased, I hoped that he would refer back to a conversation we had had in the early days, his words still haunt me that he suggested it would be a blessing and we would sail off into the sunset together, I find my naivety comedic these days. Anyway I told him, he pushed it back on me as in how could I have let this happen, the poor broken me apologised profusely and said I would deal with it. After a number of days of not talking, I had to ask him why that is our only option, his response as he has two children already was that he wasn't particularly keen on the kids he did have, why would he want any more? I was heart broken because friends of mine say their partners have been hugely grateful to them for allowing them to make a baby with them and so pleased it will be half of them and half of their partners, I already knew but realised he wasn't a very nice man at this point. I went to the appointment alone but asked if he would be around after as I thought I could do with a hug or some emotional support at least. When I got out, he had left me a voicemail saying his daughter was unwell so he had to go and pick her up from school. The irony of it.

My experience I would like to think is unique, made to feel it was my fault it happened, made to feel that I was alone, made to attend on my own and deal with the details that are involved with a termination, all without the support of the person who was 50% responsible for the circumstances. When I needed him the most, he chose his family. A clear indication that I would never be no. 1 or even close to it.

I don't know you or your circumstances but 4 years later, I am so sure I made the right decision. Someone who loves and respects you would be with you and welcome making a baby with you. The fact that 4 weeks in you didn't tell him because you are worried about his reaction tells a big story. You need to make this decision and then tell him the decision you have made. Please don't use this to hope he would leave for you. If he was going to, you would already be together.

Good luck xx

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/12/2022 at 12:32 AM, LShalcy said:

I’m scared that this is going to change *everything*

You're right. 

It will. And probably not in the way you hope. I think your bubble is about to burst in a major way. 

[elaine567]

On 1/11/2022 at 11:32 PM, LShalcy said:

I’m not naive enough to think this is *definitely* going to be a “happily ever after”.

Good.
I am not sure many men would be happy to suddenly acquire 3 extra children, so be prepared for him to not be too pleased.
The sexual fantasy of making you pregnant and the joy of bareback sex, may not convert into the real life scenario of being made responsible for a new  born and being made responsible for another two ready made young children.
It was really up to you to fill in the lack of contraception on his part with the Pill or an IUD.
I guess part of you fed into the "family" storyline and a kid is a sure-fire way of maintaining some sort of connection with him for life...
BUT there is a big difference for him between seeing a sexy mistress on the side and plunging into a "blended" family and managing a very unhappy ex wife and a likely troubled child.
He may not want to do that and who could really blame him? 

[LShalcy]

45 minutes ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I too, sadly found myself in this situation after 5 years. I deliberated for a long time on whether to tell him or not, I decided that although I felt the decision was mine that he should probably know. I hoped that he would be pleased, I hoped that he would refer back to a conversation we had had in the early days, his words still haunt me that he suggested it would be a blessing and we would sail off into the sunset together, I find my naivety comedic these days. Anyway I told him, he pushed it back on me as in how could I have let this happen, the poor broken me apologised profusely and said I would deal with it. After a number of days of not talking, I had to ask him why that is our only option, his response as he has two children already was that he wasn't particularly keen on the kids he did have, why would he want any more? I was heart broken because friends of mine say their partners have been hugely grateful to them for allowing them to make a baby with them and so pleased it will be half of them and half of their partners, I already knew but realised he wasn't a very nice man at this point. I went to the appointment alone but asked if he would be around after as I thought I could do with a hug or some emotional support at least. When I got out, he had left me a voicemail saying his daughter was unwell so he had to go and pick her up from school. The irony of it.

My experience I would like to think is unique, made to feel it was my fault it happened, made to feel that I was alone, made to attend on my own and deal with the details that are involved with a termination, all without the support of the person who was 50% responsible for the circumstances. When I needed him the most, he chose his family. A clear indication that I would never be no. 1 or even close to it.

I don't know you or your circumstances but 4 years later, I am so sure I made the right decision. Someone who loves and respects you would be with you and welcome making a baby with you. The fact that 4 weeks in you didn't tell him because you are worried about his reaction tells a big story. You need to make this decision and then tell him the decision you have made. Please don't use this to hope he would leave for you. If he was going to, you would already be together.

Good luck xx

Thank you for your response.

I appreciate the perspective from someone who has actually been in the same situation.

[BaileyB]

Your story hurts my heart whatamIdoing. You have never shared that before. I’m very sorry that happened to you. Wishing you well . 

[SouthernIslander]

4 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

I too, sadly found myself in this situation after 5 years. I deliberated for a long time on whether to tell him or not, I decided that although I felt the decision was mine that he should probably know. I hoped that he would be pleased, I hoped that he would refer back to a conversation we had had in the early days, his words still haunt me that he suggested it would be a blessing and we would sail off into the sunset together, I find my naivety comedic these days. Anyway I told him, he pushed it back on me as in how could I have let this happen, the poor broken me apologised profusely and said I would deal with it. After a number of days of not talking, I had to ask him why that is our only option, his response as he has two children already was that he wasn't particularly keen on the kids he did have, why would he want any more? I was heart broken because friends of mine say their partners have been hugely grateful to them for allowing them to make a baby with them and so pleased it will be half of them and half of their partners, I already knew but realised he wasn't a very nice man at this point. I went to the appointment alone but asked if he would be around after as I thought I could do with a hug or some emotional support at least. When I got out, he had left me a voicemail saying his daughter was unwell so he had to go and pick her up from school. The irony of it.

My experience I would like to think is unique, made to feel it was my fault it happened, made to feel that I was alone, made to attend on my own and deal with the details that are involved with a termination, all without the support of the person who was 50% responsible for the circumstances. When I needed him the most, he chose his family. A clear indication that I would never be no. 1 or even close to it.

I don't know you or your circumstances but 4 years later, I am so sure I made the right decision. Someone who loves and respects you would be with you and welcome making a baby with you. The fact that 4 weeks in you didn't tell him because you are worried about his reaction tells a big story. You need to make this decision and then tell him the decision you have made. Please don't use this to hope he would leave for you. If he was going to, you would already be together.

Good luck xx

No, your situation isn’t unique at all, I think it happens more than it doesn’t.

I’ve never known a married man to be happy about getting his mistress pregnant. It’s always a blame game, nasty mess.  

 

Sorry that happened to you.  

[czanclus]

Not to be a downer, but what do you feel you are offering this man if he leaves his wife and child to be with yours and his child and your two kids from another father? Have you even run the budget to see if you can pull it off? Seems like it would be pretty tight even if you two got married. This is a pretty serious situation, and you already have two kids! Do you know how much college costs these days? 

Believe me, we all like to think we are special. It took a pretty sobering 'relationship' in my case to realize that as a single mom, regardless of looks/intellect/education/personality I'm fodder of the dating market. Hence, 6 years ago, I quit. But even if I hadn't, in no state of mind would I have dated men who were OK with getting me pregnant without a couple of years of married life together. And even if I had millions of dollars and could spend my entire day being the best stay at home mom I could be, I'd have to wonder what makes another man so special that he gets to have my genetic offspring without being fully committed to child raising. Is it a science experiment? Racial diversity? Something else fascinating about this detached specimen?

This has no way of turning out for the good.

[vla1120]

5 hours ago, Whaatamidoing said:

When I needed him the most, he chose his family. A clear indication that I would never be no. 1 or even close to it.

@Whaatamidoing, I'm so sorry you went through that.

@LShalcy, this is why you have to start putting YOURSELF (and your own children) first, above him, above any hope of ending up with him. Take away everything he has ever told you or how he made you feel, and you know this much about him - he is a liar and a cheater and fooled you for two years. He's NOT a man you should want to father your children. You really should want better for yourself, and for your children. You can do better than him. You should WANT to do better than him, not only for you, but for your children. Right? I mean, you are in a position where you mold the minds of young children every day. Look at all those little girls in your class. Imagine them where you are today. What would your advice be to them? 

[Prudence V]

On 1/11/2022 at 9:07 PM, LShalcy said:

Maybe this weekend. 

I’m guessing you didn’t tell him. 
 

Have you decided yet what you plan to do? 

[Allupinnit]

Any update OP?  How are you feeling?  Did you get a chance to talk to your MM?

[Prudence V]

On 1/11/2022 at 11:32 PM, LShalcy said:

I think he probably suspects because I did tell him I had something to tell him. 

Perhaps his suspicions led him to block OP so she hasn’t been able to contact him. Or he’s been too busy hunting for fresh prey on the dating app. 

[LShalcy]

[ ] 

 I did talk to him and I told him actually last week. He wasn’t thrilled and he was surprised but he hasn’t abandoned me and he said we need to decide what we are going to do but ultimately it is my choice. We talked all weekend, phone calls and texts alike. During our conversation yesterday he did reassure me by saying he “is really happy he found me, he would never find another woman like me” and that he did still love me. So whether he is saying it just because, he didn’t have to and it felt good to hear.
I am seeing his this Friday into Saturday afternoon so we will have plenty of time to talk *in person* about what this means moving forward. 

[ ] 

Edited January 24, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
civility, off topic

[Allupinnit]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

[ ] 

 I did talk to him and I told him actually last week. He wasn’t thrilled and he was surprised but he hasn’t abandoned me and he said we need to decide what we are going to do but ultimately it is my choice. We talked all weekend, phone calls and texts alike. During our conversation yesterday he did reassure me by saying he “is really happy he found me, he would never find another woman like me” and that he did still love me. So whether he is saying it just because, he didn’t have to and it felt good to hear.
I am seeing his this Friday into Saturday afternoon so we will have plenty of time to talk *in person* about what this means moving forward. 

[ ] 

Good.  He's right.  Ultimately it *is* your choice.  Is he spending the night with you?  Has he mentioned leaving his wife yet?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, LShalcy said:

I told him actually last week. He wasn’t thrilled and he was surprised but he hasn’t abandoned me

What do you plan to do rather than just talk? It's important to realize he's saying what is politically correct, but he's not on board.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, LShalcy said:

He wasn’t thrilled and he was surprised but he hasn’t abandoned me and he said we need to decide what we are going to do but ultimately it is my choice.

Did you ask him why isn't he thrilled since he's the one who told you he wants you to have his baby?

[pepperbird2]

5 hours ago, LShalcy said:

[ ] 

 I did talk to him and I told him actually last week. He wasn’t thrilled and he was surprised but he hasn’t abandoned me and he said we need to decide what we are going to do but ultimately it is my choice. We talked all weekend, phone calls and texts alike. During our conversation yesterday he did reassure me by saying he “is really happy he found me, he would never find another woman like me” and that he did still love me. So whether he is saying it just because, he didn’t have to and it felt good to hear.
I am seeing his this Friday into Saturday afternoon so we will have plenty of time to talk *in person* about what this means moving forward. 

[ ] 

If I were in his shoes, I;d be terrified you'd spill the beans to his wife.
To be honest, that's just what I woudl do in your shoes. No more playing games. There's potentially a new little life here plus some kids who are already in the picture. It's time to wipe the rainbows from your eyes and face some hard facts.

If you decide to keep the baby, that goes hand in hand with putting this guy on the very back burner. This includes asking for child support, allowing the baby to have contact with siblings, if he decides he wants to stay married and be in the baby's life, that could very well mean visitations with him and his wife, sans you. You are going to have to suck up and bad feels, paste a smile on your face and say it's all good because that is what is best for your child.

Are you ready for that? I woudl also ask you if you are ready for what might happen should he say he does want to be with just you?Are you ready to spend the rest of your life like Damocles, waiting for the knife to fall?

I read your words and I see a woman who has a big heart and so much love to give. Why are you wasting it on him?