Hurting...please help

[billskrill]

I have found this forum and have been reading threads over the past few days which has really helped me cope with my recent breakup. I would like a little advice if anyone could offer me some.

Let me start out by telling my story. I'm a 23 year old male and started dating a 21 year old mother back in March. I had known her for years and actually took her to my Senior Prom. I had liked her back then but we were two different people. She got heavy into drugs (hardcore) and I wasn't like that and went off to college while she dropped out of high school. I didn't hear from her for about 3 years when I happened to see her out one night on Thanksgiving break when she gave me her number and had wanted to catch up. I called her a month later when she told me she was pregnant and didn't know who the father was. I didn't talk to her again until February of this year (about 1 yr 3 months later). I rarely ever came home from school and happened to come home one weekend night in February, that same Saturday night I came in town and went to the bars was the one night that she went out since she had her baby boy. We spent the night together (no sex or kissing even, just talking) and the feelings I used to have for her all came back. I went back to school and we talked on the phone every night for 2 to 3 hours. I came in a few weekends and accepted the fact she had a child and didn't know how the father was and was happy to hear since becoming pregnant she hadn't done any drugs and had been clean for 1.5 years. May came around and I moved back to town for good after graduating and spent every night after work with her and her son. Things were perfect, not how I would have pictured things a year before that, but I was finally happy. We never fought and after a while she was asking me to take part in "family" events with her and her son at her son's daycare which I happily agreed to do. I hadn't ever dated a woman with a child, it was a lot different than I was used to but I enjoyed every minute of it. In July we had mentioned how fate brought us together and how we both agreed we wanted to spend our lives together. We told each other we loved one another and I hit a new high in my life. She had only dated losers and druggies in the past, most who treated her like sh@$, and at least one who beat her. I was the complete opposite, I put her before I put anything else in my life and by knowing that it made me happy. She went to court with a man she had though may be her son's father in mid-August and the results came back...he was the father. He's 31 years old, lives at home with his parents without a job, and has no education but he does want to be a part of his son's life which by every mean's he should. My GF was glad that her son would have his father in his life but she was hurt because she realized she won't be the only one to set rules, and to spend time with him which hurt her. I believe around this time is when she changed. Anyways to make a long story short around early September she started acting differently...not calling me back...trying to argue over little stupid things...not spending as much time with me.

I brought this up to her and she assured me things were fine. We were spending no time together and in my gut I felt she was going to end it soon although she assured me she wasn't. I said maybe we need a fresh start and she agreed and I thought things would then work out. The next day she didn't call so I called her only to have her let me go to watch a TV show saying she'd call me back....she didn't. I didn't call her the next day and she didn't call me. I called her the day after that in the morning to have her say her son was sick and she had been very busy...this is understandable and I said I hoped he would get better soon. At the end of that conversation I asked when I could see her and she turned that against me saying that her son was sick and I could only think of myself and it made her realize what kind of person I am...I only care for myself?????

She called me two days later to say she wouldn't forgive me for asking when I could see her while her son was sick (sick maybe an overstatement...he had a rash from poison ivy) and i did treat her better than anyone but at this point in her life she's not ready for a relationship. I was broken...things hit a new low in my life. They haven't been getting much better, I eat and sleep ok now but I still break down and cry, actually I did a couple of hours ago. I know that she's not with her boy's father because she calls me from time to time as if we are friends and says that her son's father is now taking her son every other day for about 4 hours each day, if they were together they would spend time together with their son, not seperately. Anyways I want her back and still feel terrible a month later. Sorry my first post is so long but can anyone offer me any advice or help????

[CarmenIbanez]

But I would just keep your distance for now. First of all, you learned the dirty little secret about dating women with kids. It isn't just the women and the kids that get hurt. It is very painful to develop a bond with a child and then not be able to spend time with the child anymore. Second, you don't want to try to put this back together when she doesn't want to. Give her some space.

 

Don't make the mistake of telling her that you're "there for her". Don't be available to her. Don't let her take advantage of you, because she knows you will be around when she finally feels like seeing you. Give her true space. That isn't meant to sound malicious. It's just that nice guys are often taken advantage of because they want to be with the girl, and the girl knows it. She might be with you because you are stable and safe. But that is not the only reason to be with someone.

[billskrill]

Thanks, that makes sense. I have just been in so much pain the past few weeks that I don't know what to do. It hurts to realize I don't know what's going on in her life and this is really selfish but it hurts to know that loser is now there spending time with her and her son although there's nothing between him and her it's just him trying to spend time with his son which by all means he should be able to do. I've never felt this kind of pain in my life and I know it will get better I just wish it would hurry up. I gave her a promise ring which cost me over $500 and can still get my money back with the receipt which I do have but is it worth $500 to try and get it back? I just wish she would work through everything and realize I will give her the time and space she needs but I just want to be with her.

[westernxer]

You're falling for the wrong girl.

 

That's all I'm gonna say.

[billskrill]

I have been told that so many times by friends and family alike. I guess she just took up such a huge chunk of my time, money, and life. It feels hopeless going back out on weekends with my friends to the local bars around my city and realizing my life won't be spent as I had hoped and dreamed with her. I appreciate everyone's comments and advice as it helps me get some perspective on my situation outside my friends who basically all say she's a piece of trash and I can do much better. Perhaps they are all right and I can do much better but I'm just in that point now to where I feel as if I'm going to grow old alone.

[westernxer]

... I'm just in that point now to where I feel as if I'm going to grow old alone.

 

You're only 23, going on 40.

[stjärna]

good advice westernexer . . .

[billskrill]

sometimes it takes a kick in the rear end to see reality as I'm sure a lot of you know. I sometimes am blinded and don't see right in front of my eyes because of this girl. I know I am only 23 and honestly shouldn't be thinking that she was for sure the one for me. Thanks for helping me see what I should have seen and what family and friend have tried to make me see. I'm not over her but I realize I'm 23 and 23 is still quite young and I should enjoy this time of my life as I know it will only get harder as I age. If I'm meant to be with her then things will work out but I'm going to try to not hold on to that hope and move on with my life.....thanks all

[J dub]

sometimes it takes a kick in the rear end to see reality as I'm sure a lot of you know. I sometimes am blinded and don't see right in front of my eyes because of this girl. I know I am only 23 and honestly shouldn't be thinking that she was for sure the one for me. Thanks for helping me see what I should have seen and what family and friend have tried to make me see. I'm not over her but I realize I'm 23 and 23 is still quite young and I should enjoy this time of my life as I know it will only get harder as I age. If I'm meant to be with her then things will work out but I'm going to try to not hold on to that hope and move on with my life.....thanks all

 

This year, my biggest lesson of all has been -- sometimes these things are a blessing in disguise. That all things happen for a reason, and you WILL get back up on your feet and look back to this situation and think ... wow, what was I THINKING?! I am so much better now!

 

[billskrill]

thanks to you and thanks to all. I feel bad but I do realize I have so much in my life to be happy for. I have my friends and family for one, and I have the advice of people on this forum I am trying to get advice from as well as give advice to those who I feel I can help. These things happen to almost everyone and I want her back more than anything else in my life but I realize I AM going for the wrong girl and I AM only 23...it just hurts but like I said most all of you know that and I appreciate the advice from all of you as well as any comments posted.

[J dub]

thanks to you and thanks to all. I feel bad but I do realize I have so much in my life to be happy for. I have my friends and family for one, and I have the advice of people on this forum I am trying to get advice from as well as give advice to those who I feel I can help. These things happen to almost everyone and I want her back more than anything else in my life but I realize I AM going for the wrong girl and I AM only 23...it just hurts but like I said most all of you know that and I appreciate the advice from all of you as well as any comments posted.

 

 

Remember that just because the relationship didnt work out, it doesnt mean YOU failed. Some people just arent meant to be, but whats important is that you take the lessons you learned from this relationship and apply them to the next one (which you will have..another, that is). If anything, dating is like target practice. With each incorrect aim (bad relationship), you simply learn to adjust yourself and your actions accordingly to hit the bullseye (the right one).

 

Whats with me and the cornball analogies and cliches? Sheesh, I need to go to bed.

 

Take care, and take it easy on yourself most of all. You owe it to yourself considering how much youve been thru

[billskrill]

I feel much better hearing these words from you and the loveshack members. I just hope that I'm not too nice of a guy or that if I am it doesn't mean that no one wants me...only certain girls don't. Anyways it's past 4am here in KY and I'm going to hit the sack...thanks all and I appreciate any further comments or advice.

[J dub]

I feel much better hearing these words from you and the loveshack members. I just hope that I'm not too nice of a guy or that if I am it doesn't mean that no one wants me...only certain girls don't. Anyways it's past 4am here in KY and I'm going to hit the sack...thanks all and I appreciate any further comments or advice.

 

Nah, there's bazillions of girls who do like the nice guys so even IF You are too nice, so what? Thats who you are and you should be loved for who you are, "imperfections" (if you want to call it that, but I wouldnt) and all. And trust me -- its only a matter of time before you look back and see this whole situation in a much clearer light..whats that saying, hindsight is 20/20.

 

Youre over the hardest part of the process, now your only obstacle is time. And damn does it ever fly

 

Goodnight, billskrill.

[billskrill]

She called me up and asked if I was driving to campus tomorrow because she wanted to know if I could turn a paper in for her sister who goes to my university. She said she knew I didn't have class on Fridays and I probably wouldn't be able to do it but wanted to call and make sure. She was drunk she said and was about to go to bed but asked what I was doing tomorrow. I said probably going to the mall during the afternoon to get a shirt and she said she had nothing going on, I then asked her if she wanted to go with me and she said she did. I am supposed to call her tomorrow at noon and pick her up and have her come to the mall with me. I know I asked her to come with me and it was probably a mistake but should I go through with it? I want her back more than I want anything in my life right now so I am really confused on what to do. I also got some disturbing news tonight about an ex-bf of hers that used to "slam her head into the bathtub and then punch her" and I knew nothing about this and it breaks my heart to know she was with a scumbag like him. Anyways I'm still hurting and like I said I want back with her more than anything so I want to know what people on here have to say about that???

[Painwraith]

Ok

 

I have been though this with a past girlfriend, I was 19 and she was 21, she had a 1 year old from a previous relationship.

 

Trust me this is messy it sounds like to me she is looking for some security, and you (like me) are the nice guy and she feels safe with you, as you have said she has had bad relationships in the past and is probably very wary about love. This may be why she is so hesitent and keeping you at arms length at the moment just when the relationship was picking up.

 

What I would suggest you do is to go with her tomorrow to the mall (preferably without the little one) or meet her for a quite drink somewhere when she can get a babysitter. you need to sit her down and say to her directly something like:

 

'I care about you and your son greatly, we had been getting on great before but I feel that something has changed and I would like to know how you see me? am I a good friend that you rely on or am I your boyfriend?'

 

Listen to what she says, if she looks at you straight and tells you she loves you then she does. if she is evasive and beats around the bush then sorry mate but she is using you (even if she doesnt realise it) or at the very most views you as a friend whom she gets attention and money from. If she DOES tell you she loves you then carefully explain how you feel.

 

Do not cry or look upset when you do this be firm and look at her straight in the eyes, even if she tells you that she doesnt love you the way you want just nod, excuse yourself, have a moment composing yourself in the toilet then come out finish your drinks and take her home, then tell her that you will contact her at a later date.

 

This way you are getting the answer you need and YOU are in control, she cannot fob you off this way. it may be hard and it may not be pretty but you need to know yourself before you can heal which is why you feel so bad because you dont knwo what she feels.

 

As to the ring, take it back and get a refund. if things go well and she does say she loves you then use the money to take her and her son on a short weekend break away. she will appreciate that more than a ring because you are treating her and her son who always WILL be the most important man in her life...

 

As to the father / son thing with the real kids father, realise now there is nothing you can do about that, you are an outsider and must distance yourself, if the child mentions to you how great a time he had smile and say your glad. anything else will just cause massive issues.

 

Hope that helps My friend

[billskrill]

This does help. I just called her up to see if she still wanted to go to the mall today. Well she forgot all about it and said she was really drunk last night. She does want to go however so we will be going later this afternoon after she finishes a few errands. She's going by the courthouse to get her son's last name changed to the father's last name and she has to go get some halloween candy for a charity organization. So at this point by the way things sound I'm giving myself about a 10% to 15% chance of working this out.

[billskrill]

I picked her up and we went to the mall. We also went out to eat and spent a good couple of hours together and I wasn't getting that awkward type of vibe that is common in my situation. I didn't bring up anything about our relationship and she didn't either. We strictly were just trying to enjoy each other's company without getting into any type of deep conversations. I did offer to pay for her meal which she allowed me to do, something that she would rarely let me do when we were together. Right before she broke up with me I couldn't put a gun to her head to allow me to pay for her meal. I don't know if that is good or bad but she did make comments how she's proud of me that I'm going to be graduating college in December and wants to come to my graduation. She also asked what I was going to be doing over the weekend as if she was interested in getting together. I'm really at the point now to where I don't know what's going to happen but whatever does happen but I do realize that in the next couple of days I should have a really good idea on where she stands on our relationship and chances of getting back together.

[billskrill]

Last night I knew that my ex was going out because she had told me how much she was looking forward to Saturday night and dressing up for Halloween. Anyways I hadn't talked to her since I dropped her off at her house on Friday after we went to the mall and then about midnight Saturday she calls me up from a bar across town asking me where I am. I told her a different bar and asked her to come there and she said she just wanted to go home and was sleepy. I drove (not drunk but drunk enough to get a dui) and picked her up and took her home. She told me she loved me about 6 or 7 times and we kissed. When I put my toungue in her mouth after about 2 seconds she pulled back and looked me in the eyes and said "you do know I love you, I hope you know that" and I told her I loved her and then I left. She was drunk which probably had a lot to do with that. Any advice? I feel like she is my soulmate and have felt this way since I first met her 7+ years ago. I know I can find other girls but I don't want others, she's the one for me I just know it. Advice please??????

[westernxer]

Dude, you're helpless.