Broke up, got back together, broke up again

[picaso3183]

35 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Holy smokes, where does that leave YOU?  Her sexual 'boy toy' until she gets tired of you and ends it OR she meets another man she IS into and dumps you?

I spose if all you want her for is sex, then it could work out - mutual sex buddies.

I was under the impression you really liked this girl and was seeking something substantial and long term.

I'm curious what sort of clarification you're seeking, did she not already tell you what her agenda was?  First quote above.

What am I missing OP?  Surely it must be something cause this doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, I'm sorry.

 

Sorry you misunderstood. That is one thought I have... she is using me for regular sex. 

But other actions suggest different. Hence why torn. 

So the clarification is exactly that. Do we have a proper committed relationship now ( which is what I want) if it isn't something she wants I move on. 

[poppyfields]

5 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Sorry you misunderstood. That is one thought I have... she is using me for regular sex. 

But other actions suggest different. Hence why torn. 

So the clarification is exactly that. Do we have a proper committed relationship now ( which is what I want) if it isn't something she wants I move on. 

I see, those were your own thoughts not what she actually told you.

Thank you for clarifying, that makes more sense.

Good luck with your talk and let us know how it goes!  

Fingers crossed it works out for you.

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

Oh sorry to clarify she slept with this guy after we had two or three dates. So we weren't even seeing eachother at that point. That went both ways. I was messaging other women too at that time. This bit I can overlook. I am jealous about it and it has triggered some insecurities. The main thing I find hard is she lied to me the next day saying she went to bed etc. That seemed easy for her to do which is worrying. 

Second issue is I STILL do not know what she wants. I have tried to spell it out but we end up talking over it briefly then fall into same pattern.

As you said very accurately I guess it is clarification from her I am seeking which will give me some security. If she feels same as me i will give it a go. But if not I will walk. But i think the chat is needed otherwise i will never know 

I see.

It seemed in your original post that you were more upset about her one-night stand during your dating relationship.

In your mind, you argue that it is because she didn't tell you about it at first?

Considering you weren't a couple and were not "even seeing each other at that point," (not sure what that entails exactly) I guess there was really no need for her to disclose anything, unless she was disclosing information regarding health or STDs. Did you agree that you would tell the other if you were sleeping with/dating others?

An indicator of her commitment to the relationship going forward would be her willingness to make the relationship work or in other words, her efforts to make it work.

If you have genuine concerns, does she make excuses or does she try to make improvements?

If you're not seeing these things from her then she's just not as invested. 

Hopefully, after speaking with her, you will have a better understanding of these things. 

I hope everything goes smoothly!

Edited February 1, 2022 by Alpaca

[picaso3183]

5 hours ago, Alpaca said:

I see.

It seemed in your original post that you were more upset about her one-night stand during your dating relationship.

In your mind, you argue that it is because she didn't tell you about it at first?

Considering you weren't a couple and were not "even seeing each other at that point," (not sure what that entails exactly) I guess there was really no need for her to disclose anything, unless she was disclosing information regarding health or STDs. Did you agree that you would tell the other if you were sleeping with/dating others?

An indicator of her commitment to the relationship going forward would be her willingness to make the relationship work or in other words, her efforts to make it work.

If you have genuine concerns, does she make excuses or does she try to make improvements?

If you're not seeing these things from her then she's just not as invested. 

Hopefully, after speaking with her, you will have a better understanding of these things. 

I hope everything goes smoothly!

Again that's exactly correct! I know it sounds silly but I was upset about the whole pretence she made the day after sleeping with this person. She made out she left her friend with some guys and went to bed. Which I now know was a lie. Obviously she was never going to tell me she slept with a guy.. but the lie has left me questioning her.

But you are right I'm after an indicator of her willing to make this work so we both have a secure and functioning relationship. I hope she is on the same page.

 

[CollinW]

From my experience women usually aren't able to sleep with someone while they're being courted by another man she really liked unless she was dating him to fulfill a self-serving purpose. She had full freedom to do what she wanted but you also have the freedom to analyze any relevant data you have to assess her character and mate potential.

I used to date a woman where it came out she was sleeping with someone when we first started dating. It immediately turned me off and I compartmentalized her. She was in a hot girl summer phase and didn't know she would like me as much as she did, but the damage was done. 

[AngryGromit]

On 1/30/2022 at 3:35 PM, picaso3183 said:

We were not exclusive at this point. But what got to me was

This line says it all, what she did before you two agreed to be exclusive is irreverent. She has just as much right to play the field as you did before you two agreed to be exclusive, shouldn't matter if she was dating other guys, had one night stands, attended a swinger club, etc.  

Edited February 1, 2022 by AngryGromit

[AngryGromit]

11 hours ago, CollinW said:

I used to date a woman where it came out she was sleeping with someone when we first started dating. It immediately turned me off and I compartmentalized her. She was in a hot girl summer phase and didn't know she would like me as much as she did, but the damage was done. 

Interesting, so it's perfectly acceptable if a guy plays the field when dating, but if a girl does it, she's some how immoral? Talk about a double standard. Makes me wonder if you want to only marry a virgin as well. 

Edited February 1, 2022 by AngryGromit

[poppyfields]

29 minutes ago, AngryGromit said:

This line says it all, what she did before you two agreed to be exclusive is irreverent. She has just as much right to play the field as you did before you two agreed to be exclusive, shouldn't matter if she was dating other guys, had one night stands, attended a swinger club, etc.  

You're right, logically it shouldn't matter because no formal discussion re exclusivity had ever taken place.

BUT we're dealing with emotions here, NOT logic.  And emotionally when you're dating and having sex with one person (OP posted they were having sex when she had sex with the other man), it sends the message they weren't into you quite the way you were into them.  That they were keeping options open while dating and having sex with you.

And when you have feelings for that person, that HURTS!  It has the potential to change the way you view them, and subsequently your dynamic going forward once you find out.

Edited February 1, 2022 by poppyfields

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, AngryGromit said:

Interesting, so it's perfectly acceptable if a guy plays the field when dating, but if a girl does it, she's some how immoral? Talk about a double standard. Makes me wonder if you want to only marry a virgin as well. 

There's always a double-standard for women.

Such is life.

[picaso3183]

Update!  

So basically we were due to meet and she cancelled. We then agreed to have a phone call but she didnt ring me!  Pretty much says it all 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

So basically we were due to meet and she cancelled. We then agreed to have a phone call but she didnt ring me!  Pretty much says it all 

Dodged a bullet. Way too flaky.

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Update!  

So basically we were due to meet and she cancelled. We then agreed to have a phone call but she didnt ring me!  Pretty much says it all 

I'm sorry OP.

On to better fish!

 

 

[salparadise]

Oh 

23 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

So basically we were due to meet and she cancelled. We then agreed to have a phone call but she didnt ring me!  Pretty much says it all 

Oh man, I'm really sorry. It sucks.

All of that time together and she ghosts like it was one chat on a dating site. I had started writing a post about assessing degree of integrity and whether she was truly connecting on the emotional level. Water under the bridge on this one, but I think you still should try to learn about these. We guys are sort of at a disadvantage because how good sex and a pretty face tends to destroy our judgement.

I was suspect of both because of the details you posted (we had the benefit of objectivity). There are a lot of damaged people out there who don't really form emotional attachments, instead they simulate them through acting and saying what you want/need to hear. These people sadly are not capable of much true empathy, but they can simulate it convincingly for awhile. As a man, now knowing that you are susceptible, I'd suggest that you read about how this stuff works, and learn to intuitively know.

Several of the women posted that they could never, as in not capable, have a quick one with someone else while dating (and sleeping with) someone they're into and care about. That's because they have values, integrity, and empathy (and more) that form an internal system that amounts to fundamental inhibition based on what they intuitively know is right. This is the kind of person you're looking for.

All of this bunk about no declaration of exclusivity... she hooked up while you were dating, even if it was early days. And she lied about it. Whether she had the right to, or violated no law, isn't the point. This was her telling you who she was, fundamentally. 

You know how the women here are always posting phrases like, "if a man is really into you, he will..." followed by cues as to his motivation? Well, I think there are similar cues that apply to women. Men who grow up in loving homes with sisters often have this stuff integrated and access it intuitively. Others have to learn it and work to internalize it. Wishing you the best...

 

[CollinW]

14 hours ago, AngryGromit said:

Interesting, so it's perfectly acceptable if a guy plays the field when dating, but if a girl does it, she's some how immoral? Talk about a double standard. Makes me wonder if you want to only marry a virgin as well. 

I did marry a virgin ironically enough. 

[Eternal Sunshine]

On 2/1/2022 at 5:31 AM, Calmandfocused said:

I’m going against the general consensus here….
 

No woman whose really into  the man she’s sleeping with, will voluntarily sleep with another. Irrespective of the label, time dating yada yada, if she was really  into you, she wouldn’t have slept with the other guy.. period!

Thats why you can’t trust her. You know that this is not the norm and you know that this is the sort of thing she does. 
 

Only you can decide if you can live with this information. Personally, if I was you, I would have a strong dose of the Ick, ran away screaming and never looked back. 

Exactly this. Regardless of technicalities of exclusivity it does clearly tell you that feelings are not mutual and she is not that into you.

[picaso3183]

On 2/1/2022 at 10:46 PM, salparadise said:

Oh 

Oh man, I'm really sorry. It sucks.

All of that time together and she ghosts like it was one chat on a dating site. I had started writing a post about assessing degree of integrity and whether she was truly connecting on the emotional level. Water under the bridge on this one, but I think you still should try to learn about these. We guys are sort of at a disadvantage because how good sex and a pretty face tends to destroy our judgement.

I was suspect of both because of the details you posted (we had the benefit of objectivity). There are a lot of damaged people out there who don't really form emotional attachments, instead they simulate them through acting and saying what you want/need to hear. These people sadly are not capable of much true empathy, but they can simulate it convincingly for awhile. As a man, now knowing that you are susceptible, I'd suggest that you read about how this stuff works, and learn to intuitively know.

Several of the women posted that they could never, as in not capable, have a quick one with someone else while dating (and sleeping with) someone they're into and care about. That's because they have values, integrity, and empathy (and more) that form an internal system that amounts to fundamental inhibition based on what they intuitively know is right. This is the kind of person you're looking for.

All of this bunk about no declaration of exclusivity... she hooked up while you were dating, even if it was early days. And she lied about it. Whether she had the right to, or violated no law, isn't the point. This was her telling you who she was, fundamentally. 

You know how the women here are always posting phrases like, "if a man is really into you, he will..." followed by cues as to his motivation? Well, I think there are similar cues that apply to women. Men who grow up in loving homes with sisters often have this stuff integrated and access it intuitively. Others have to learn it and work to internalize it. Wishing you the best...

 

Thanks for the reply and advice. I agree she lacks empathy and depth.

As an update I messaged and asked her why she did not ring ( I was angry ). So she did ring and I explained how I felt. Her response was not much use. She said we have spoke about this in the past ( we didnt have a frank.conversation just one about being exclusive ). She said she was not sure what I wanted. So again I told her. Make more time for eachother, future plan ( trips, dates etc ), EVENTUALLY look to meet friends then family, and basically share eachothers life a little. So again not much response. I told her I have developed feelings and I need to protect and priortise what I want and unfortunately casual is not it. So i said lets stop contact for a week or two and see how we feel. 

Everyone here is pretty much correct. She just doesnt feel the same but wants a casual and easy FWB. Rather than just say this to me. As painful as this is it also feels a weight lifted. I will move on.

 

Thanks all 

[picaso3183]

So i have posted here a lot about a girl I was dating. She was very hot and cold. Anyway I finally plucked up the courage to end it last week. It had been 7 days without contact.

I really miss her and really want to contact her. I would be so happy if she contacts me but I know she won't. I told her I am dating as I knew this would stop her contacting me.

But I am starting to think I messed up. Maybe she meant more to me than I thought. 

[ShyViolet]

She may have meant something to you, but she clearly told you that she wasn't interested in a relationship with you.  Contacting her again won't change that, it will just be more of a waste of your time.  The urge to contact her is normal right now, but it's weakness.  Understand that contacting her would be a bad idea and won't accomplish anything.

[Pumpernickel]

1 minute ago, picaso3183 said:

She was very hot and cold.

If this is the case, and it bothered you enough to break up with her, I think you did the right thing. 

2 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Maybe she meant more to me than I thought. 

Maybe. Probably. The problem is though that in a functioning relationship this needs to be a reciprocal thing, and to you it wasn't. She was lukewarm, and you can draw the conclusion that this wouldn't have worked out. Because: Her hot-cold-behavior did not make you feel secure in this relationship, and sure, you could have told her that, instead of going to the extreme of breaking up. Did you break up to change her mind? Are you really dating others? Either way, tricking her into being more committed hasn't worked so far. She just grew more distant, and maybe she was even relieved. We don't know that. What we do know is that she isn't contacting you. She may or may not get curious about your whereabouts at some point in the future. So I would say do nothing right now. If she comes back, you can consider your options. In the meantime, do what most people do to get over a breakup. Distract yourself. Don't wait around. Look at this past relationship for what it was: something that didn't make you happy.        

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

She was very hot and cold. Anyway I finally plucked up the courage to end it last week. It had been 7 days without contact.

You made the right call. On/off, hot/cold is drama no one needs.

It's been fraught with issues and incompatibilities all along.

 Stay no contact. In fact delete and block her and do start dating when you're ready.

[picaso3183]

Thanks for the advice guys, honestly it really helps being able to get a honest, no BS response.

To respond to both, 

Yes I did spell it out very clearly 3 weeks prior to me ending it. Told her feeling secure is important. I was very open and honest. Told her I had feelings for her, wanted more but happy to take it slow. But if she did not feel the same be honest. She said she felt the same. Fast forward a week, still very slow respinding to txts, last minute cancelling plans etc. So to me it was clear words are great, actions means things. I called it off and her response was " i dont know how to make you feel better"

2 weeks before i went online and met someone for a drink. Still seeing her. She is very nice but I am taking it very slow.

I blocked her from social media and deleted her number. 

Literally two hrs ago she txt saying " hey thought we were gonna stay friends. See you removed me from social media" 

I havent replied. Not sure what to say or how i feel or what it means 

 

[glows]

Continue to not reply. She’s looking for attention but knows she doesn’t deserve you. Block the number instead of just deleting it if you prefer not to be bothered. 

Her responses to you suggest cluelessness and willful ignorance.

Edited March 13, 2022 by glows

[picaso3183]

19 minutes ago, glows said:

Continue to not reply. She’s looking for attention but knows she doesn’t deserve you. Block the number instead of just deleting it if you prefer not to be bothered. 

Her responses to you suggest cluelessness and willful ignorance.

Thanks for advice yeah think i will block. Part of me wants me to discuss "us" but I know deep down she is not interested in me and it is attention she wants now. 

[glows]

8 minutes ago, picaso3183 said:

Thanks for advice yeah think i will block. Part of me wants me to discuss "us" but I know deep down she is not interested in me and it is attention she wants now. 

Hot/cold in the relationship and expecting to be friends is her not recognizing or denying that there’s anything wrong in her behaviour.

By attempting a conversation about “us” know that you’re also expecting answers from a person with a track record of behaving inappropriately or falling short in a relationship. The probability that you will continue to not have the answers you seek are very high. 

In future seek answers and place your trust only in individuals who have integrity and are reliable. Look for these traits in your relationships. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, picaso3183 said:

Part of me wants me to discuss "us" but I know deep down she is not interested in me and it is attention she wants now. 

Such a discussion is pointless. 

It's not going to work between you two, as friends or otherwise. It's best to remove time-wasters like this from you life rather than wasting your own time waiting around for no reason.