AspieVampiress Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 To clarify, I will never cheat on my boyfriend, but I am struggling with the concept of monogamy and don't know if I can stay monogamous forever, meaning breaking up. When we first met, he knew I was poly, but then he said he wanted to be monogamous. Thinking this would only be for a short time, I said okay. Then he said we could be poly in future. Now he is saying definitely not, and then later on brought up the topic and said if I want to do the poly thing, then break up with him, and him saying that made me incredibly sad. Today, I was tearing up and in pain thinking about it. I've discussed it with my friends and sex therapist. She recommended some books on polyamory and I bought an ebook about it. I want to read it ASAP to help me find a solution to this problem. I would be devestated if we broke up. I love him but I want other people, too, especially a woman, personally, as I am bisexual(of course, not all bisexuals are poly). I want to talk to someone who is in a similar situation and receive advice on what to do. I love my boyfriend, we have been together for 8 months, please help :( Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 12 minutes ago, AspieVampiress said: When we first met, he knew I was poly, but then he said he wanted to be monogamous. I love him but I want other people, too, especially a woman, personally, as I am bisexual. Sorry this is happening. It's unfortunate, but you are simply not compatible, so set him and yourself free. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 Sadly, you're incompatible, and should probably break up ASAP. There is no solution to this unless you can be happily mono or he can happily let you be poly even if he isn't. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 As others have said, it's not something that you can really "compromise" on - if you're not compatible, you're not compatible. A bit of a long shot, but does he know that when you said you wanted to be poly, you meant that you want to sleep with other WOMEN, not other men? It may not make a difference, of course, but it also might. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AspieVampiress Posted January 10, 2022 Author Share Posted January 10, 2022 16 minutes ago, central said: Sadly, you're incompatible, and should probably break up ASAP. There is no solution to this unless you can be happily mono or he can happily let you be poly even if he isn't. That's what one of my friends told me. But another one also said maybe he can change his mind 😢 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AspieVampiress Posted January 10, 2022 Author Share Posted January 10, 2022 11 minutes ago, Elswyth said: As others have said, it's not something that you can really "compromise" on - if you're not compatible, you're not compatible. A bit of a long shot, but does he know that when you said you wanted to be poly, you meant that you want to sleep with other WOMEN, not other men? It may not make a difference, of course, but it also might. It's not necessarily about sex, to me. It's also dating. An old boyfriend of mine said I can only be poly with women, no men. Maybe he is the same? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 10 minutes ago, AspieVampiress said: It's not necessarily about sex, to me. It's also dating. An old boyfriend of mine said I can only be poly with women, no men. Maybe he is the same? How would I know if he's the same? Ask him! Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 You'd have to talk to him about it. He may say he'd "try" if it means losing you otherwise, but I wouldn't trust him to truly follow through in that case. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 Take a person for what they are, not what you hope for that person to be. He's claiming he's not poly and would rather you broke up with him instead of pursuing other relationships while with him so it's best to respect that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AspieVampiress Posted January 10, 2022 Author Share Posted January 10, 2022 33 minutes ago, glows said: Take a person for what they are, not what you hope for that person to be. He's claiming he's not poly and would rather you broke up with him instead of pursuing other relationships while with him so it's best to respect that. In the beginning, he was okay with me being poly. His fear is that he feels like he will not be enough which isn't why I want to be poly. He is great, I just need more than one person to have a relationship with to be happy. I have been through worse things but this makes me sad. The thought of him being sad makes me sad. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 1 minute ago, AspieVampiress said: In the beginning, he was okay with me being poly. His fear is that he feels like he will not be enough which isn't why I want to be poly. He is great, I just need more than one person to have a relationship with to be happy. I have been through worse things but this makes me sad. The thought of him being sad makes me sad. How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Are there any kids? Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 (edited) 2 hours ago, AspieVampiress said: To clarify, I will never cheat on my boyfriend, but I am struggling with the concept of monogamy and don't know if I can stay monogamous forever, meaning breaking up. When we first met, he knew I was poly, but then he said he wanted to be monogamous. Thinking this would only be for a short time, I said okay. Then he said we could be poly in future. Now he is saying definitely not, and then later on brought up the topic and said if I want to do the poly thing, then break up with him, and him saying that made me incredibly sad. Today, I was tearing up and in pain thinking about it. I've discussed it with my friends and sex therapist. She recommended some books on polyamory and I bought an ebook about it. I want to read it ASAP to help me find a solution to this problem. I would be devestated if we broke up. I love him but I want other people, too, especially a woman, personally, as I am bisexual(of course, not all bisexuals are poly). I want to talk to someone who is in a similar situation and receive advice on what to do. I love my boyfriend, we have been together for 8 months, please help What does your therapist say? I think they've given you better advice than anyone on here could, which is probably along the lines of discover who you truly are and pursue the happiness of that person. I will comment but admit that I'm not in your position. Polyamory is not his nature, I think that's clear or else he wouldn't be experiencing this type of conflict. Monogamy is not your nature, or else you would not be experiencing this type of internal conflict, same thing. I think both of you did want to be able to compromise your core beliefs because of your love for each other, but it's something that would take a concerted, sustained effort as both of you are resisting your natural nature. If he is not willing to be poly at all then that is not compromise though. Sometimes compromise is the best solution because there's no guarantee that you will ever get to 100% happiness or close to it purusing your ideal situation. If you are truly *unhappy* though or if he is firm that he will not give the polyamorous life a chance, then I think you already know the decision you need to make. Edited January 10, 2022 by dramafreezone Link to post Share on other sites
Author AspieVampiress Posted January 10, 2022 Author Share Posted January 10, 2022 27 minutes ago, glows said: How long have you been dating? Do you live together? Are there any kids? 8 months, I stay at his house half the time and no kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AspieVampiress Posted January 10, 2022 Author Share Posted January 10, 2022 11 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: What does your therapist say? I think they've given you better advice than anyone on here could, which is probably along the lines of discover who you truly are and pursue the happiness of that person. I will comment but admit that I'm not in your position. Polyamory is not his nature, I think that's clear or else he wouldn't be experiencing this type of conflict. Monogamy is not your nature, or else you would not be experiencing this type of internal conflict, same thing. I think both of you did want to be able to compromise your core beliefs because of your love for each other, but it's something that would take a concerted, sustained effort as both of you are resisting your natural nature. If he is not willing to be poly at all then that is not compromise though. Sometimes compromise is the best solution because there's no guarantee that you will ever get to 100% happiness or close to it purusing your ideal situation. If you are truly *unhappy* though or if he is firm that he will not give the polyamorous life a chance, then I think you already know the decision you need to make. I agree the therapist will give the best advice. It is just hard waiting to see her and waiting to read the book and am hoping to meet someone who has been through the same. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 There is a polyamory web site (by that name) where you can find many people with extensive experience and insight, some of whom have been in exactly your situation. You may want to post there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 (edited) Reality is that many people are simply not interested in polyamory or well-built for it psychologically even if they are. So you need to really hear your partner and respect that at least for the foreseeable mid-term future, this is who he is. That means you are going to need to weigh what's really important to you - because it sounds like to keep him you'll need to forego this interest and to carry it forward you'd need to find a different "main partner". I suggest you research the concept of a "stable base" while you're looking into other stuff. It sounds like you want him in part because you feel he provides a good stable base for you. There's nothing wrong with that, but keep in mind that in a relationship we have to recognize the impact following our personal interests can have on a partner. And here he is telling you he can't handle this. Also keep in mind that sex and the "validation"/dopamine rush of a new partner's interest can be mildly (and rarely majorly) addictive. Edited January 10, 2022 by mark clemson 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 He might have *thought* he'd be ok with it in the beginning, but after falling in love with you he realizes he doesn't want to share you. Poly folks should only date other polyamorous people, because there is no talking your way into a mindset that involves your heart. I'd gently let him go if you can't be happy with just him as your boyfriend. He'll always feel he isn't enough and he'd be right. Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted January 10, 2022 Share Posted January 10, 2022 1 hour ago, AspieVampiress said: In the beginning, he was okay with me being poly. His fear is that he feels like he will not be enough which isn't why I want to be poly. He is great, I just need more than one person to have a relationship with to be happy. I have been through worse things but this makes me sad. The thought of him being sad makes me sad. there are differences here I don’t think have been explained well enough. what did you tell him what poly was? How is this different from being bisexual? How is this different from being swingers? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AspieVampiress Posted January 11, 2022 Author Share Posted January 11, 2022 6 hours ago, central said: There is a polyamory web site (by that name) where you can find many people with extensive experience and insight, some of whom have been in exactly your situation. You may want to post there. Whats the name? Link to post Share on other sites
Author AspieVampiress Posted January 11, 2022 Author Share Posted January 11, 2022 6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: there are differences here I don’t think have been explained well enough. what did you tell him what poly was? How is this different from being bisexual? How is this different from being swingers? Yeah, I don't know how much he knows about what poly is, which is why I want to dicuss it more with him without making him sad but I don't know if that's possible. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 polyamory dot com Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 I'm sorry, I may sound old fashioned, but poly / open relationships don't work. It's alright to experiment and try new things, I'm not saying you can't try new things, but in the long term they don't work. One person always gets jealous of the other. One either says "I'm (name)'s wife / girlfriend// husband / boyfriend and (name) will chose me over anyone else because of that fact." Well, they might not. Or they will throw back what the other did - "You were with more than me" or "You were with (name) and (name) and (name) and I haven't been with anyone since (time)", etc. Move on. You said so yourself that this isn't working so move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 You'll have to accept that you have different values and goals. At 8 mos., it's best to cut your losses and set each other free. While parting is such sweet sorrow, it's better than letting things get ugly for either of you. Quit while you're ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
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