WonderBug Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 (edited) I worked with him 20 years ago when I was married, in a very bad mistake, I was young. The minute I met him at work I was totally taken. We ended up sleeping together a handful of times, he got a girlfriend and I ended it shortly after, thought it was weird he was cheating on her with me. However they got married and moved away. I got remarried about 10 years later. Our paths crossed for our jobs in late 2020. I was so torn meeting him but I did it and it was like time never passed, we were together again that night, I misses him so much it was unbelievable saying goodbye that next day was so hard. He lives several states away. We talk at least weekly, sometimes more. So we have been having a relationship via phone, it has gone slow. It is very clear we are crazy about each other. We both think about each other all the time. He has zero intentions of ever leaving his wife and two kids. He says he is happy, except sexually, its clear he is fine growing old with her. I know us women can be more emotional sometimes, not that I want to leave my husband, but he has always felt like my "person" since the day I met him. We are hoping to see each other again soon! This is by far the closest and most open we have been about our feelings for each other. I don't know if he would ever would tell me he loves me, I do think he adores me too. I guess I just don't understand that if you are so happy and this woman is so perfect for you... how can you be emotionally and physically involved with me. I have a much harder time imagining growing old with my significant after all this. Its tough... I love him... we would have been great together... we knew each other pretty well from years ago. How can he feel so right for me... but just not enough for him. I almost thought this reunion was a sign that we were meant to be. Seems silly. Edited January 11, 2022 by WonderBug Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 I think you have a serious case of GIGS. You’ve known him as an AP, not a husband who burps, farts, whom you have to pick up after, wash underwear, sleep beside snoring or sweating profusely day in or day out or cook for. Not that every husband does the above but the point I’m illustrating is he’s just a mirage. Whatever you see is the person he presents to the outside world and that’s it, no matter how long you’ve known each other as acquaintances or “friends”. How’s your marriage? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author WonderBug Posted January 11, 2022 Author Share Posted January 11, 2022 Glows, it is good and bad. He has severe anxiety and has a hard time doing things. He is a strong man that has let fear get in his way. In some aspects we are great, but I feel very held back. He sometimes is so caught in his mind he shows me no affection though he would do anything for me. I feel very lonely with him. I never thought in a million years Id cheat on him, but before I did I thought to myself that I just cant stand feeling this lonely anymore, sadly I have told him this very clearly for years. I so wish things could change, he has tried therapy and everything. Its a very sad situation. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 Why are you still married if you're so unhappy? That's a genuine question, by the way. What is stopping you from ending the marriage? As for your AP, well, it's pretty clear-cut: he enjoys the thrills and sexual excitement and companionship you offer, but not enough to leave his marriage. He is fine to have his cake and eat it too, because his home life isn't that bad. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 19 minutes ago, WonderBug said: Glows, it is good and bad. He has severe anxiety and has a hard time doing things. He is a strong man that has let fear get in his way. In some aspects we are great, but I feel very held back. He sometimes is so caught in his mind he shows me no affection though he would do anything for me. I feel very lonely with him. I never thought in a million years Id cheat on him, but before I did I thought to myself that I just cant stand feeling this lonely anymore, sadly I have told him this very clearly for years. I so wish things could change, he has tried therapy and everything. Its a very sad situation. I suppose you feel torn because you see or believe that your husband is vulnerable. When I feel caught between a rock and a hard place I usually ask myself what I did to land myself there. Not why is the thing or person keeping me there. Why did you choose him to marry? Was he always fearful and anxious? Is he receiving professional help? How feasible is it to divorce or leave? Or is this just as much about you finding your comfort zone in a lonely marriage and seeking affairs outside of it? Why does this have to be the way you live? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 9 hours ago, WonderBug said: . He has zero intentions of ever leaving his wife and two kids. He says he is happy, except sexually, Sadly cheaters all say this. Keep in mind, cheating is a passive-aggressive thing. It's a way to stab spouses in the back while smiling in their faces. You both know it's for the occasional trysts. What you don't know is that this will end badly for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 (edited) The love of your life is not a married man who is cheating on his wife - I’m sorry. If you think he is it, I would kindly suggest that you need to raise your standards. You want to know how a man can say that he is happy, that he loves his wife, and he never plans to leave his family but still want a relationship with you? I say, read these boards, it’s a textbook affair. If you read ahead a few chapters, you will find the heroine feeling lonely, broken, and completely bemused because she still can’t understand how the love of her life can be so intimately involved with her and then go home to his wife and family every night. He told you that back in the second chapter - you just didn’t read what he said for what it meant. You want to know how a man can say that he is happy, that he loves his wife, and he never plans to leave his family but still want a relationship with you? I ask, what attracts you to a man that you know to be dishonest, untrustworthy, unfaithful, and lacking in integrity? Edited January 11, 2022 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 11, 2022 Share Posted January 11, 2022 (edited) 21 hours ago, WonderBug said: How can he feel so right for me... but just not enough for him. I almost thought this reunion was a sign that we were meant to be. Ah, star crossed lovers. The universe brought you back together for a reason - Or, it could be two people who are mid-life - he is generally happy with his family life but is seeking some excitement and you are less happy with your family life and thinking that this man is the answer to all your prayers… Two people, brought together by circumstance who lack boundaries and impulsively decide to throw all caution to the wind… Most women in this circumstance make the mistake of believing that he feels the same that you do - how can he be happy in his marriage if he is emotionally and physically involved with me? You think this way because you have decided that you love him and you have dreams of being together… Most men in this circumstance have no interest in suffering the consequences of divorce. They are not looking for the love of their life - they have a perfectly good wife at home. You offer “more” - sex, attention, excitement, and validation. You think he hung the moon just for you… And he did, to get you to have sex with him. Not many women would have sex with a married man if he didn’t make her feel like she/what they share is something special. That doesn’t mean that it is anything more than an extramarital affair. It doesn’t mean that he plans to offer you anything more - I’m sorry to burst your bubble but you got to get real girl - you are in love with a married man who has told you he has no intention of leaving his wife. What kind of a future do you see here?? Edited January 12, 2022 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted January 12, 2022 Share Posted January 12, 2022 Agree with much of what's been said above. While doubtless no one has any hard data, the prevailing wisdom on the internet is that married men leave for an AP rarely - perhaps about 5% of the time or even somewhat less. Some will talk about leaving and even make plans - probably pipe dreams in many cases, deliberate deception in others, and actual plans in the more rare remainder. However, your guy is making it clear where he stands. It sounds very much like he's being straight with you about this, but you want so much for it to be otherwise that you won't hear it and are perhaps in denial? You wonder how this is possible: some people (probably many actually) are good at "compartmentalizing" and so they can be in a romantic relationship without being "all in" on it. Like others above, I think you should see this for what it is - he wants it to be an affair but not more. So if you're going to choose to continue this, that is what you're going to (continue to) get. Thinking otherwise is being unrealistic. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted January 12, 2022 Share Posted January 12, 2022 (edited) On 1/11/2022 at 1:15 AM, WonderBug said: Glows, it is good and bad. He has severe anxiety and has a hard time doing things. He is a strong man that has let fear get in his way. In some aspects we are great, but I feel very held back. He sometimes is so caught in his mind he shows me no affection though he would do anything for me. I feel very lonely with him. I never thought in a million years Id cheat on him, but before I did I thought to myself that I just cant stand feeling this lonely anymore, sadly I have told him this very clearly for years. I so wish things could change, he has tried therapy and everything. Its a very sad situation. Yeah, you;re lying to yourself here. You say yourself (unless I am mistaken, and if I am, please accept my apology) that you gt married and cheated 20 years ago with this OM. That means you can and did, cheat. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, but you aren't being honest with yourself. If you want to feel mentally and emotionally healthy and happy, you need to face your demons. Running from them or trying to use an affair as a band aid is no long term fix. Edited January 12, 2022 by pepperbird2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 12, 2022 Share Posted January 12, 2022 On 1/10/2022 at 9:06 PM, WonderBug said: I got remarried about 10 years later. Why did you remarry the man you cheated on just to cheat on him again? Why not chose a man you loved? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 Please don’t assume he feels the same as you do. He’s a married man who knows he can get free sex when he sees you - so he’s not turning that down. you seem to be expecting things from him that are unrealistic. All cheating married men lie to the OW… to keep the sex coming - along with the ego strokes. don’t think your anything different - you’ll be disappointed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GoldenR Posted January 17, 2022 Share Posted January 17, 2022 You are getting played big time. But you're willing so idk if it really is still considered "getting played". Please leave your husband. He deserves better. You deserve to be an OW forever. Link to post Share on other sites
AmiAi Posted January 19, 2022 Share Posted January 19, 2022 (edited) [ ] Men dont fall in love just because of incredible sex. It is outside the bedroom where men fall in love. He is giving you enough to keep you on the hook. He doesnt love you. Also, in his eyes, you are someone who cheats on her partner to be with him. He absolutely knows that if he gets into relationship with you, it is only a matter of time you will leave him for someone else. That is how most men think. Edited January 19, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility Link to post Share on other sites
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