Husband father ask for too much money.

[MaróTierra]

My husband's father lives in another country he was deported from the US. not for being a good person let say. Anyways I have nothing against helping our parents when they need you but this man is always trying to push to see what he can get. 

When my husband didn't make a lot of money he will send a little bit. When we started making a little more money (thank God) his father would call every 2-3 weeks for an excuse of why he needed money, at first I would get mad but after a few months of arguing every single time i just gave up and reluctanly accepted it. I also started spending money on clothes, i would double on spending what he would send his father. He would get mad at me for spending so much money. Wow! 

He continued to send him money monthly in the 100's per month.

About 4 months ago, the father raised up the quota to the 1,000,s. My husband and I had a HUGE argument he went ahead and send the money anyways! And promised he would never do it again!! Well I was furious we didn't speak for two days!

Well after my husband send him 1,000's of dollars the calls stopped! ( for three months) then he started calling him again and again and. Again! my husband an di argued a lot because he is resentful towards me that he can't help his dad! .my husband would ignore him! I had enough so I told his father to stop asking for MONEY! TO LEAVE US ALONE TO STOP LYNG AND MANIPULATING HIM.

MY husband was furious that I messages his father AGAIN playing the victim! And playing the world's tiniest violin! HE SENDS HIM THE MONEY AGAIN! 

He was not a good father or husband. He has other 4 sons which he burned his bridges with! They don't speak to him! Only my husband, and the another son which he doesn't send money on a monthly basis. 

We had another HUGE argument again! It was BAD bad bad!  I ended up leaving with the kids in the middle of the night!!! He doesn't respect me! I'm also already mad because he brought home a dog! More responsibility for me! WE HAD ALREADY TALKED ABOUT WHY I CAN NOT TAKE CARE OF A DOG! 

 I'm stay at home mom! I take care of 4 kids! And clean, cook do laundry etc.i even help with the business administration side of it.

I WANT TO GET A DIVORCE FROM THIS MAN! I LOVE HIM BUT DOES HE LOVE ME? IM SICK AND TIRED OF ALWYAS BEING MAD! he doesn't appreciate me.

I always feel irritated angry mad! Seriously my kids would come up to me and ask why I'm upset? Everything irritates me when he say he loves me I don't believe him! When he touches me I feels disgusted! I've been through a lot with him from  scorn ex-wife, from the manipulative father, a brat step son! And dealing with my own kids and life! I know it's my fault I chose to get married have more kids with him. Thinking our life would get better! It just isn't. There's no respect! 

Edited January 11, 2022 by MaróTierra

[glows]

From the sounds of your previous threads, it’s unlikely your husband would respect any agreement on a sum to send his father even if you both sat down to discuss this. Have you tried?

You both deeply resent and dislike one another so why do you stay? Chronic stress is harmful and you both can no longer communicate or agree on simple matters.

For the record, I don’t see sending money to a parent/family member as an issue depending on how much or how often. It’s customary in my culture to share or give monthly stipends to aging parents who can’t live with you. You already decided his dad was a lousy deadbeat and manipulative user so sending any money is a problem for you. You’re entitled to that of course especially if it’s money that you or your kids need for clothes, food and living. 

See a lawyer in private if you need to discuss your options. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Contact an attorney so you'll have some peace. You hate your husband and his entire family so what's the point?

You need to put your children first. That's your priority. If your husband is siphoning money away from them and thier future, you need to legally divorce to stop the drainage of money.

Spending on junk to get even is ridiculous. Spend on a good attorney.

Check your credit scores. Check all your bank accounts and credit cards. Check your tax records.

Stop stomping around angry frightening your children. Do some damage control. Consult an attorney to discuss your options in divorce.

[stillafool]

You need to get a job outside of the home so you can make income to move out.  You guys hate each other and one day the kids will be gone so I would suggest divorce now so you are not alone later in old age.  You still have time to meet and be with someone else if you desire.

[Els]

11 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

I also started spending money on clothes, i would double on spending what he would send his father. He would get mad at me for spending so much money. Wow!

Uh..... what exactly did you think this would accomplish?

There's a lot to unpack in your post, but IMO it's pretty clear that you hate your husband and his father to the bone, regardless of whether this hatred is justified or unjustified. So why are you staying? Why don't you just file to divorce?

Also... I hope you're at the very least using contraception now?

[S2B]

Divorce him. He has a problem -disrespecting you is his choice every time his dad asks for money.

he could learn - that his dad is capable of earning money or spending less (or both).

but as long as he sends the money - his dad has no reason to earn more for himself.

tell your husband today - that he has chosen sending money - over Keri g his marriage.

your husband has codependency issues. It’s not his job to fund his problematic father. Yet you can’t make him stop…so - he’s left you no choice but to feel there is no trust, no loyalty towards you and no respect for your future together.

 

Edited January 11, 2022 by S2B

[vla1120]

He really does not respect you or your marriage. You must be very frustrated. Becoming a single mom will have challenges of its own, but imagine a peaceful household for you and your daughters, especially if your daughters are currently exposed to the dissention brought on by your relationship with your husband and also the dynamic with his oldest son. You've put up with an awful lot in this situation.

If/when you leave him, will you have the means to support yourself and your children? Of course, he will be responsible for child support and depending on your situation and where you live, you could possibly get spousal support, but what if he is vindictive and withholds money? You'll need to be able to support yourself and your children. I do not recall whether you've taken steps to consult with an attorney, but if I were you, I would start getting my ducks in row. Him giving his father these amounts of money without my consent would be the nail in the coffin, for me. 

 

[MaróTierra]

9 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Uh..... what exactly did you think this would accomplish?

There's a lot to unpack in your post, but IMO it's pretty clear that you hate your husband and his father to the bone, regardless of whether this hatred is justified or unjustified. So why are you staying? Why don't you just file to divorce?

Also... I hope you're at the very least using contraception now?

Honestly, I knew it would get him angry, but i had always been very frugal to save money with myself, I would only own one to three pair of jeans. Really frugal! So it got me angry that he would send his father 100's of dollars per month! 

[MaróTierra]

17 hours ago, glows said:

From the sounds of your previous threads, it’s unlikely your husband would respect any agreement on a sum to send his father even if you both sat down to discuss this. Have you tried?

You both deeply resent and dislike one another so why do you stay? Chronic stress is harmful and you both can no longer communicate or agree on simple matters.

For the record, I don’t see sending money to a parent/family member as an issue depending on how much or how often. It’s customary in my culture to share or give monthly stipends to aging parents who can’t live with you. You already decided his dad was a lousy deadbeat and manipulative user so sending any money is a problem for you. You’re entitled to that of course especially if it’s money that you or your kids need for clothes, food and living. 

See a lawyer in private if you need to discuss your options. 

 

"From the sounds of your previous threads, it’s unlikely your husband would respect any agreement on a sum to send his father even if you both sat down to discuss this. Have you tried?"

Yes, I was angry he was sending that much money the first 2-3 months!! We would argues a lot! I would yell at him and ask him why he was sending so Much and to stop! He did not listen! I got tired of arguing and for my own sanity I accepted it!!!! 

Then three months ago the father asked for about 3X more than he would get monthly!!!!!!! We argued AGAIN AND IT WA S VERY BAD... HE SENT HIS FATHER THE MONEY!  And promised he will never do it again! 

Then two days ago he send his father money again 2X of what he would normally send him! My husband said he send him that much because last time he sent him money was 3 months ago!!!!! We argued and it was very very bad!!! 

So setting a monthly amount we can agree does nothing! Because if the father asks him for any amount he would send it! 

[MaróTierra]

18 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Contact an attorney so you'll have some peace. You hate your husband and his entire family so what's the point?

You need to put your children first. That's your priority. If your husband is siphoning money away from them and thier future, you need to legally divorce to stop the drainage of money.

Spending on junk to get even is ridiculous. Spend on a good attorney.

Check your credit scores. Check all your bank accounts and credit cards. Check your tax records.

Stop stomping around angry frightening your children. Do some damage control. Consult an attorney to discuss your options in divorce.

I don't think is hate what I feel. I don't wish anything bad upon him. He isnthe father of my children. I just feel very resentful angry, I just can't be happy. I feel disgusted when he touches me because I feel he would be happier if he had a more beautiful woman by his side. On his Instagram he follows all kind of fit models in bikinis, very beautiful confident women, I feel that what he wishes for. For many many many years (2-3 years of this) I told him how it made me feel we would argue, he would promise to delete them but next time I would check his phone they would still be there. Sometime commenting in their pictures with heart eye emojies. That made my self esteem go down really bad. I was always sad many and angry just like now. Until I decide not to look at his phone anymore! But still is in the back of my mind that he probably wishes he was with someone else. Even when we're having sex I think he wishes it was one of those models! 

I take care of myself I eat healthy, exercise regularly.. I'm not overweight or underweight, I've always kept a normal weight! Based on my BMI.

I really tried to look like that but I'm a stay at home mom with a household to run!  Having a body of somebody who has never had kids! C'mon!!!! I've given birth to 4 babies!!! It just not gonna happen!!! 

[S2B]

What do you plan to do to change this?

repeating the same info doesn’t change it. You are going to need to take action.

are you afraid to divorce him because then you may need to work?

[MaróTierra]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

What do you plan to do to change this?

repeating the same info doesn’t change it. You are going to need to take action.

are you afraid to divorce him because then you may need to work?

No I'm not afraid to work. 

[Noproblem]

it's his money and he is free to send money to his dad.

you have no right to interfere.

you need to stop arguing and making big problems about what he does to his father. 

He loves his father and is spending from his money to his father.

This has nothing to do with you. It's not your money, it's his money and his dad!

Let's calm down here, seems you have a busy life with 4 kids and you try to complicate it further by fighting over this issue.

If you leave your husband, what you gonna do? 

do you have a place to live at, do you have a chance to get a job?

you start looking right now, stop being his nanny and servant.
Cleaning, cooking, taking care of the kids, and his dog.

He can do his part, you start looking for a job and find yourself again!

He doesn't like it, he can always find a baby care to leave the kids at!

He has money to send to his dad, he sure has money to spend on the kids kindergarten

Stop being a slave to this relationship, you are getting nothing from it but sadness and grief

Try to  find a job and start working again, gain your independence again!

He is treating you like that because he can, because you let him.

Because he think you can't go anywhere without him. He thinks you can't survive without him!

Well, it's time for you to prove him wrong!

 

Edited January 12, 2022 by Noproblem

[Els]

5 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

Honestly, I knew it would get him angry, but i had always been very frugal to save money with myself, I would only own one to three pair of jeans. Really frugal! So it got me angry that he would send his father 100's of dollars per month! 

Okay, but maybe you should have spent that money on a lawyer instead?

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

 I'm a stay at home mom 

Ok. But if you are legally married you both have access to marital assets, but he is spending his money caring for his elders. Is that traditional in his culture?

Was this known all along that he would send money home? Was it agreed upon all along that you would be a SAHM?

You seem quite bitter and angry about his son, his family and whatever tight budget you're on.

Spend what you need to on yourself and children but not out of spite. 

Does he control you with money by keeping you poor?

Edited January 12, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

9 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

I don't think is hate what I feel. I don't wish anything bad upon him. He isnthe father of my children. I just feel very resentful angry, I just can't be happy. I feel disgusted when he touches me because I feel he would be happier if he had a more beautiful woman by his side. On his Instagram he follows all kind of fit models in bikinis, very beautiful confident women, I feel that what he wishes for. For many many many years (2-3 years of this) I told him how it made me feel we would argue, he would promise to delete them but next time I would check his phone they would still be there. Sometime commenting in their pictures with heart eye emojies. That made my self esteem go down really bad. I was always sad many and angry just like now. Until I decide not to look at his phone anymore! But still is in the back of my mind that he probably wishes he was with someone else. Even when we're having sex I think he wishes it was one of those models! 

I take care of myself I eat healthy, exercise regularly.. I'm not overweight or underweight, I've always kept a normal weight! Based on my BMI.

I really tried to look like that but I'm a stay at home mom with a household to run!  Having a body of somebody who has never had kids! C'mon!!!! I've given birth to 4 babies!!! It just not gonna happen!!! 

Heart-eyed emojis to scantily clad internet women/models are a passive aggressive means to undermine your marriage. It’s also his escape and mental getaway.

You know the marriage is broken and there’s no meeting of the minds so to speak or any calm or intimacy between the two of you. 

Sending large sums of money to his father is only one way (out of several others, it appears) where he has the opportunity to undermine the marriage and disregard what you have to say. He doesn’t respect you.

You’re free to take that information and use it as you will. I don’t sense that you’re wanting to work on the marriage. Do you? If not see a lawyer in private (you alone) without telling him and discuss your options. Lower your stress levels. It’s not healthy.

[AngryGromit]

It's pretty hard to get ahead if you sending all your extra money to a deadbeat. I can see help a family member out, but for someone to expect you to support them forever is unacceptable. My parents lent my Grandfather 10 grand, the mobile home park he retired in was requiring him to buy the land his mobile home was sitting on and he didn't have it. He paid my parents back,  considering all the times my Grandfather helped out my father financially when he was still working, they were more than happy to help out my Grandfather in his time of need. And my Grandfather never asked for any loans or financial help till the day he died. 

Anyway for your situation, without some kind of chance, this relative will continue to be a burden to your financially, and he offering nothing in return.  As  Not like he can watch the kids on occasion when YOU need help.    If your husband isn't willing to cut off his father, then it's time to divorce him and start to work for your secure future.  

 

[MaróTierra]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. But if you are legally married you both have access to marital assets, but he is spending his money caring for his elders. Is that traditional in his culture?

Was this known all along that he would send money home? Was it agreed upon all along that you would be a SAHM?

You seem quite bitter and angry about his son, his family and whatever tight budget you're on.

Spend what you need to on yourself and children but not out of spite. 

Does he control you with money by keeping you poor?

His father is not an elder he is 59 years old and has a girlfriend who has kid. He has a whole family! 

The reason my mother in law left him over 10 year ago was  because she will go visit him and send him money take him groceries , as soon as she will leave another woman will come in. He was cheating on her with onether woman. While my mother in law would support him.  Also he burn his bridges with everyone sons, cousins, and brother and sister. He would call everyone play the victim, and they will send him money, until everyone started talking to each other.

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, MaróTierra said:

His father is not an elder he is 59 years old

All your  hatred for his father, son and family is irrelevant. What is relevant is your husband is hiding marital assets from you.  You need an attorney. 

[MaróTierra]

Do you think I'm exaggerating my actions? 

Do you think I'm wrong for telling his father to stop asking for MONEY monthly? 

Do you think I'm wrong to tell my husband to stop sending money to his father? 

The money that he sends does not affects us like for example all of our bills are paid. Food on the table the kids don't need anything we are well off. 

Am I wrong to fee like this? 

Am I wrong for feeling taken advantage of? 

[S2B]

I don’t think you are wrong for feeling how you feel. 
it’s wrong for any spouse to disrespect the other spouse. It’s more wrong that your husband disrespects your feelings and wishes within your marriage.

but seriously, it looks like you aren’t changing a thing - so what do you expect? This is your life.

have you and your husband ever done counseling?

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, MaróTierra said:

 I'm wrong for telling his father to stop asking for MONEY monthly? 

Yes. It's not about his father. Your husband is willingly sending his family money to keep it away from you.

Your husband is the problem.

[S2B]

His father asks because he sends the money.

I guarantee IF he said NO - his father would find the handout from other sources - it’s just that your husband says yes that he keeps asking.

kind of like a dog - who gets treats - he goes to the people willing to give.

the problem is only your husband. Why does HE feel the need to say yes?

have you specifically asked him?

what if they had an agreement? Dad, I’m willing to send you $300 twice a year - once in January and once in June? Could YOU live with that agreement?

[MaróTierra]

UPDATE:. I was so mad at him and resentful, it was so stressful for him because I would talk to him or even sleep next to him for two half days,, I WAS DETERMINED to throe everything awat than keep being disrespected it cause hell in my home!

When we finally talked we spoke about getting a divorce and put the house up for sale and breaking up the business we are creating!  Paying off our debts then splitting in half what was left.

Then the next morning he approached as i was calling our realtor,  he said he loves me that is stupid to break everything for something so silly . We agreed he is going to respect me we agreed on sending his father a small percentage of what he would normally send him and no more! I told him he has to respect me out of love and not fear of me leaving him! 

( he knows what I'm capable of and what I'm not going to up with anymore)

I respect him out of love an not because I'm this poor, submissive, stay at home wife! I think secretly doesn't want to respect me because it makes him feel like he is not man enough! We have to create and environment of peace and harmony in out family! We promised each other not to fight to respect each other do positive things because we would lose a lot if we break up our family.  I pray to God to guide me through this new chapter! I leave it all in Jesus hands!

[MaróTierra]

23 hours ago, S2B said:

 

have you specifically asked him?

23 hours ago, S2B said:

.

the problem is only your husband. Why does HE feel the need to say yes?

have you specifically asked him?

Yes he simply says it his father he loves him and make him feel good to help him even though he knows the father is and was a deadbeat who never provided for his family! He's never made this much money so he feels he should share it with the people he loves! 

I get this but I am the wife I have my opinion and I'm not going to let anyone take advantage for one and two take the money that belongs to our kids. It it wasn't for me he would be broke! Between the ex wife the spoiled brat son and his father.