Stay or leave?

[raynesreign]

I met someone in August 2021. He was coming out of a recent break up with someone he was engaged with, had lost people due to covid and fell into depression as a result of all this trauma. When I met him, he was already seeing a therapist for some time, had started to feel better so decided to give online dating a shot. 

That's where we met. We bonded quite well and started dating after a month of talking. Couple of months later, he started withdrawing emotionally. I would talk to him about it and he would apologise and say he is unable to feel and it is not fair on me and he is trying. I have also been in therapy for a long time for depression so I have learned some communication skills. I openly expressed my needs, gave him actionable steps that would help our situation. He would try for a day or two and then fall back into his distant ways. When I would talk about it, he would go into a guilt spiral of not being able to feel anything and shut down even more.

Since then, the more we talk about it, the more distance is created between us. During all this, he has never ghosted me, always been responsible, tried his genuine best to attempt ways to fix it. We have always spoken to each other respectfully even during conflict. He never tries to gaslight me and takes the blame for his actions. But I can see that he is increasingly getting frustrated because we have been having these conversations a lot.

I am 36, tired of dating douchebags for years and have found a genuinely kind person after a long time. However, I'm torn because I don't know if he is distant because of his depression or if he is generally just avoidant. Because if it is just depression, chances are, he will eventually feel better. And because I also have depression, I understand that it's not entirely his fault, that shutting down is his coping mechanism and he is working on healing himself.

Another aspect is that he has always dated women he knew for years and was friends with. And this is his first time online dating.

I tend to have relationship anxiety and I really need perspective. This is increasingly affecting my mental health.

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, raynesreign said:

 Couple of months later, he started withdrawing emotionally. 

Ok. It's only been 28 weeks dating and there's been nothing but headaches and heartaches due to his "trauma"

Cut your losses. You can't change, fix or heal him. Telling him how you feel and what actions he's supposed to take won't work.

Dating is a what-you-see-is-what-you-get situation and so far it's been 2 mos. of ok and 4 mos. of struggling. 

[glows]

57 minutes ago, raynesreign said:

I met someone in August 2021. He was coming out of a recent break up with someone he was engaged with, had lost people due to covid and fell into depression as a result of all this trauma. When I met him, he was already seeing a therapist for some time, had started to feel better so decided to give online dating a shot. 

That's where we met. We bonded quite well and started dating after a month of talking. Couple of months later, he started withdrawing emotionally. I would talk to him about it and he would apologise and say he is unable to feel and it is not fair on me and he is trying. I have also been in therapy for a long time for depression so I have learned some communication skills. I openly expressed my needs, gave him actionable steps that would help our situation. He would try for a day or two and then fall back into his distant ways. When I would talk about it, he would go into a guilt spiral of not being able to feel anything and shut down even more.

Since then, the more we talk about it, the more distance is created between us. During all this, he has never ghosted me, always been responsible, tried his genuine best to attempt ways to fix it. We have always spoken to each other respectfully even during conflict. He never tries to gaslight me and takes the blame for his actions. But I can see that he is increasingly getting frustrated because we have been having these conversations a lot.

I am 36, tired of dating douchebags for years and have found a genuinely kind person after a long time. However, I'm torn because I don't know if he is distant because of his depression or if he is generally just avoidant. Because if it is just depression, chances are, he will eventually feel better. And because I also have depression, I understand that it's not entirely his fault, that shutting down is his coping mechanism and he is working on healing himself.

Another aspect is that he has always dated women he knew for years and was friends with. And this is his first time online dating.

I tend to have relationship anxiety and I really need perspective. This is increasingly affecting my mental health.

He needs time to heal after his break up. Too soon. This was set up to fail. 

Your expectations are likely very high also given the circumstances. But it does not mean you don’t deserve to find someone else who is in a better space and frame of mind. 

Being kind is fine but not enough. Be more realistic in future when it comes to healing and someone recently out of a relationship. He’s still numb from the sounds of it. If he’s depressed or down I’m not at all surprised. 

Either drastically lower your expectations and keep things lighthearted or move on to find someone who meets your needs.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

He isn't in any place to have a relationship, OP. 

Whatever the reason is behind it, he's not on the same page as you and these sorts of talks really shouldn't even be happening with much frequency so early on in a relaitonship. It's a sign that it isn't working. 

I'm sorry, but I think I would part ways here. He's not where you are and there's no telling when (or if) he will get there. 

[robaday]

I was this same guy about eight months ago. Met an amazing woman and saw soo much potential. She could tell I wasnt present and available. I was honest about my reasons but also genuinely believed over time the feelings would come. I listened and did try and make things right and did want it to work. The more she brought it up the more distant I became. I actually didn't think there was anything wrong initially but the more she brought it up the more I agreed with her.

I did think I was ready. I had done counselling for eight months and taken a lot of time out of dating after a breakup and a period of depression. But turns out I needed more work on myself.  

Not the guys fault necessarily he's not ready even if he wants to be. Not your fault either. Best to end it.