what is he doing / I've been a fool again

[Fair]

My ex, as early as yesterday, was phoning like crazy and knocking on my door repeatedly. He's been around again just lately helping with snow removal as he offered to do it for free. I couldn't afford to turn it down, so I agreed.  Our break up was a bad one, but it's been three years. 

  At first he was just showing up and doing the work and leaving, but then at Christmas he brought a gift to my door. Then on New Years Day he phoned me and asked me if he could come over for coffee. And in the meantime he's been here every day working in my yard even when there's been little need for it.

And I've been so lonely, because I've been quite isolated over the past while in this small town, living with an anxiety disorder. I guess it felt good having him around despite our horrible break up three years ago. In large part because my ongoing anxiety has been caused I'm sure, by a severe lack of social support... I have a dysfunctional family and so on....  so I opened my door to him when he wanted to come in for coffee...

Then yesterday I didn't want to see ANYONE so I stayed in bed.   When I didn't come to the door when he knocked he kept coming back again and again and kept phoning.  I felt so guilty for ignoring him I phoned and invited him for coffee this afternoon.   BIG hesitation before he answered with a less than enthusiastic yes.  He did come over but it was so awkward. Suddenly he didn't seem to care about me at all... didn't ask one single question, didn't even inquire as to why I didn't answer the phone or the door yesterday. And he was in a hurry to leave.  

I've begun suspecting over the past while he has a girlfriend. I don't know for sure, but he's never available in the evenings even though he encouraged me to phone whenever I need something.  I feel like a fool because I feel I've been strung along with gifts and phone calls, giving me the impression he was having feelings for me again....  It's strange because even though we've had nothing but casual conversations thus far  I feel like I'm being USED in some way.  I certainly think I'm being manipulated. I feel like confronting him and yet I don't really even have anything concrete to say.... I just FEEL used. And kind of humiliated.

Should I confront him with my feelings or just start barring the door on him?  Problem with that is, I'd lose my 'help'  and I'd also be left sitting here festering with pent up emotions I didn't get the chance to express.  Any suggestions?  Please be kind, here. I'm not feeling that strong these days due to anxiety, etc.   

[mark clemson]

If your anxiety is severe enough to be a clinical/mental health issue, then be sure to get treatment for that.

I would think that would be the step that starts you down to road to other positive choices, as it can be hard to make clear-headed decisions WRT romance even under the best of circumstances.

After the breakup, he was stalking/intimidating you e.g. with driving by and such IIRC, no? If so, it seems having him around isn't likely to be good for your anxiety level.

In the absence of other info/going just by what you said, it sounds like he may have been trying to engineer a get-back-together "move" by doing you these favors, but then perhaps changed his mind? Perhaps he saw that you were under stress (from the anxiety) and decided now wasn't a good time or even changed his mind entirely.

Consider what (if anything) YOU want out of this. If it's just free yardwork, that's ok, but consider that you may be (or were) "using" him for that and/or stringing him along? IF you think he's trying to get back together and you have no interest, it would seem like the "right" thing to do is to make that clear. He may stop doing the yardwork, but maybe you need to figure out other ways to get that done that won't involve him?

[Pumpernickel]

Well in my opinion if you don’t want him back as a boyfriend just discontinue all communication and all contact. It really does not serve any purpose. Sure - you get free help around the house but is it really worth it? All it does is that it gives him the perceived right to knock on your door & call you & expect invitations for coffee and stuff so I don’t think it’s doing you any good other than saving some bucks on snow removal. If you want the relationship back, by all means go for it and make some effort and let him in and talk to him some more - but otherwise, I would advise against any communication & cease it. Sorry you’re dealing with anxiety. That sure sucks, but you don’t need him to resolve it ….

[Fair]

@mark clemson  ... I didn't think of it as using him or stringing him along when I agreed to his help. He offered it and I took it, that's all.   I just generally get the feeling he's playing some kind of game with me. Blowing hot and cold. Coming here all through the day but disappearing every evening.  It feels like mind game type of stuff.

I guess ceasing contact is the best bet. Yet this morning when I thought of doing that I found myself almost experiencing a panic attack. I have a large property and especially not being well, it's a lot to handle on my own.  And no, I don't have the option to sell and move at this point in time. I'm also off work again, so money is tight. Believe me, if I could afford to hire someone to help me I would. 

If I were to cease contact, what do you suggest I do, or sa

Edited January 12, 2022 by Fair

[Dis]

Awwww I can I feel the hurt and anxiety in your post, Fair. Sending (((hugs))) and good vibes your way

 

I think he might just be coming around and waiting until you call him inside one day and ask to get back together. Seems like he might be waiting for you to make your move because he isn't going to be the first one to say it. Maybe that's why he got quiet that day and left, because you didn't initiate. 

 

I do think he either can't let go or is playing games in some way by coming by and working on your house. He knows you can't afford to turn that help down. I can see why you feel manipulated in that sense. I can understand feeling used by that too. 

 

I have a very toxic family too and haven't spoken to my sister in 6 years. I barely speak to my parents. I know what it's like to stand alone and I do okay with it but there's times where I just cave and need someone to be there. I was tangled up with my ex for almost a year after our break up. He was the first person to ever feel like home and I didn't want to let that go. I can relate very deeply with the feeling of being not having support and therefore, holding on to something unhealthy because you feel like you have nothing else. 

 

Sit down somewhere, put some soothing sounds on your phone like white noise or rain, and think about the big picture of all this. What do you want out of this? What is going to make you the happiest? The end goal. Be honest with yourself. Is having him come by going to continue to feel negatively or can you take the help and get to a neutral place?

 

Sometimes ripping off the bandaid is the hardest part....sometimes it's not so bad on the other side of that letting go and not only that, but there's more possibilities there too. 

 

Love and light to you, Fair ❤️ 

[Fair]

@Dis  ... thank you for the kind comment and understanding.  This really is a hard situation for me.  Do I sit down with him and talk it out or would I look pathetic to be having such deep feelings about what is supposed to be, on the surface,  yard work! 

He did a lot to betray me in the past. And he wants to be around me again without ever having apologized.  I want to be in a neutral place about it after three years and at first I was okay with having him here, but the more he comes around.... even when he doesn't need to be here.... the more hard feelings are coming up concerning the past and the more manipulated I feel.  I definitely feel he's taking advantage of everything.   My need for help and my loneliness.  

Again... should I sit him down and talk it out and come to some sort of understanding....  or just lock the door?  Either way I'm afraid of making a mistake. 

[Dis]

24 minutes ago, Fair said:

@Dis  ... thank you for the kind comment and understanding.  This really is a hard situation for me.  Do I sit down with him and talk it out or would I look pathetic to be having such deep feelings about what is supposed to be, on the surface,  yard work! 

He did a lot to betray me in the past. And he wants to be around me again without ever having apologized.  I want to be in a neutral place about it after three years and at first I was okay with having him here, but the more he comes around.... even when he doesn't need to be here.... the more hard feelings are coming up concerning the past and the more manipulated I feel.  I definitely feel he's taking advantage of everything.   My need for help and my loneliness.  

Again... should I sit him down and talk it out and come to some sort of understanding....  or just lock the door?  Either way I'm afraid of making a mistake. 

I don't think you should view it as possibly making a mistake. View it as an opportunity to lay everything out on the table and once you speak your mind, you can at least know you said your piece and whatever he does with that, isn't your issue. I once had an ex who was cheating on me for our entire relationship. I couldn't bring myself to really see it so I never told him I knew even when I broke up with him. Years later he kept texting me acting like we had the perfect relationship and telling me how much he missed me. Never texted him back until one day I thought, I think he should know that I know what he did and I should say it. I just didn't want him to view what we had in a skewed light after what he did because I certainly didn't. I sent him one text, very civil, setting the record straight. Never said anything else. Of course he still texts me and tries to get in touch through other means but I feel at peace with it because I cleared the air. 

 

Maybe invite him over. Start off by being chill, don't walk into it with a chip on your shoulder, create an open, safe space. That way he can be receptive to what you have to say. Then just tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels. Men don't just come over and do yard work for exs if they don't feel something still. I can almost bet he still has feelings. I think you should have a good idea of what you want before you have that talk though. Be open to what he says so he can be open to what you have to say. You both need to address the elephant in the the room.

Edited January 12, 2022 by Dis

[Fair]

@Dis  when you said you never called your boyfriend out about his cheating even when you broke up with him, that sounds just like me.  My ex doesn't even know I know the half of what he did when we were together.   So, I'm itching to have my say.  I was stuck between a rock and a hard place when it came to accepting his 'help'  and yet I don't want him to think it's okay for him to just try to walk back into my life on a personal level whenever he's got nothing batter to do, all because he thinks I don't know.   

I'll have to think about this.  I'm not convinced he has feelings for me, actually. I just think he's using me as a distraction or something.  Like I said before, his phone is always off in the evenings and if I leave a message he won't phone back until the next day.  I suspect there's someone else in the picture which is compounding my feelings of being toyed with and used. 

 

[glows]

I have another read on this and it’s coming from a different perspective, not one you may share. You’re isolated and he’s just checking to see that you’re alive and breathing, a civil or neighbourly gesture. I don’t think he’s romantically interested. 

Individuals may still care for or be concerned for their exes. Some go out of their way to check on them. You say you have anxiety or issues that may prevent you from going out. The Xmas gift and coming over on NY was meant in kindness, nothing beyond platonic or civil. 

I don’t believe he’s manipulating you either. There’s not enough info to suggest that. I also don’t see how he’s trying to walk back into your life. It doesn’t sound like you’ve fully healed from the break up so yes, having him around will be upsetting. Let him go mentally and emotionally. 

I think seeing your doctor for help about your anxiety is the first step to being more sure about yourself and also making new friends and venturing out when you feel ready.

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, Fair said:

If I were to cease contact, what do you suggest I do, or sa

Yeah, I respect that there aren't easy answers if you are out of work. Possibly you can do some/much of the yardwork and consider it exercising (this is something I do myself)?

You may need to focus on getting well, getting rehired, and take it from there. No doubt that is easier said than done, but that would be a possible plan.

If your house is large you could consider renting a room for income, perhaps? Rents are very high these days, so you might find takers. If it was me, I would do thorough background research on any potential renter, but it's something to consider.

Getting an income would then let you hire someone to do the yardwork.

WRT to the no-contact, if he is losing interest, then it might make more sense to do a "slow fade" rather than trying to tell him to stay away, given his behavior patterns. Consider waiting until he is contacting you less and then indicating that he should stay away "for now" or similar and then let "for now" turn into forever. Not sure that will work with him, but an approach to consider.

Edited January 12, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Fair said:

He's been around again just lately helping with snow removal as he offered to do it for free. I couldn't afford to turn it down, so I agreed. 

That's ok, if you can stay amicable and friends because he helps you with land maintenance then do so. You're not dating or in a relationship, so it's ok if you are friends because you need help. as long as he is not expecting any "favors" you can't deliver, it's ok. However if that becomes the case you'll have to hire property maintenance. See if some neighborhood people will do it for a small fee. Do some online research into bartering or small fee for service operations that  may be able to help you. Ask friends neighbors who they use for this.

[Fair]

@glows.   I don't think he's the type to care.  In the past everything he did was completely self serving, that's why I started feeliing he's here with a hidden agenda.  I'm still angry over the betrayals  and angry at myself for letting someone who treated me so badly come around again....  like I'm throwing away my pride or giving him the message what he did was ok.  Again, I just got kind of trapped into the situation due to circumstances.  Plus, when people start coming around practically every day, voila... they're back in your life, wouldn't you say? I never foresaw having him around THIS much.

@mark clemson  ....  I think the slow fade is a good idea. 

[Fair]

@Wiseman.   Exactly, I want to stay amicable.  It's a small town.  Besides, I've had a few emergencies before he started to come around again and couldn't find anyone to help me at all.  For example my heater quit suddenly in the middle of winter last year..  It took three days for the plumber to get out here.   I asked relatives (with huge wood piles )  for a couple armloads of wood for my fireplace to tide me over until then..... they wouldn't give me any.   It was awful.   Now you see why I took my ex's help.

[glows]

Let him know you're fine and if he's going to drop by to call in advance, as in the day before or earlier in the week. You're not obligated to be available whenever he needs you to be. Keep things surface level only and cordial. 

Don't worry about getting too caught up about what he does, what he thinks or who he's dating. He's a person who's volunteered his time so thank him for that and be on your own way.

[flitzanu]

this is obviously going to sound harsh.

the way this reads is, you've started talking, he offered to help you do chores and you accepted.

now he's coming around daily and more often than you want and it is irritating you and you don't want him around.

then you invite him over, and when he isn't doting on you or professing feelings or intimacy for you, you start getting offended and thinking he's lying, has a girlfriend, etc.

you can't really have it both ways.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Fair said:

@Wiseman.   Exactly, I want to stay amicable.  It's a small town.  Besides, I've had a few emergencies before he started to come around again and couldn't find anyone to help me at all.  For example my heater quit suddenly in the middle of winter last year..  It took three days for the plumber to get out here.   I asked relatives (with huge wood piles )  for a couple armloads of wood for my fireplace to tide me over until then.

Try to make friends with people in town and neighbors. You can always find something to barter. Offer to cook, clean, babysit, dog-walk, whatever.

You need to stop the dependence on him. You'll have to place ads for things you could offer others. Alternatively get a second job to make friends, meet people and make some money, even something simple like a grocery store or Uber. You need to stop being inert and asking him for everything.

[Fair]

@Wiseman.... well, it's hardly everything.  

I haven't actually asked for the help he's giving me now. But I get your point.

[Happy Lemming]

What are your plans when it snows, next year??  And the year after that??

[Fair]

@Happy Lemming...   I have anxiety at the moment and not up to snuff.  I wouldn't expect it to go on forever.  Whenever I get back on my feet I'll be going back to work and things won't be so hard.

[Fair]

@flitzanu  you've obviously misinterpreted well..... literally everything. But thanks for the input. 

[Fair]

And I'm not actually interested in who he's dating, per se.... as someone suggested.  I'm wondering what he's up to in regards to me if he IS dating someone.  I think if you're bringing gifts to the door of your ex and hanging around whether you need to or not, you're sending them a message that most would interpret as romantic interest.  If he's dating someone, he has no business doing this with me.... going back to why I've been feeling manipulated.  

Thanks for the replies everyone.

[Acacia98]

OP, the sense I'm getting out of this is you need to set better boundaries. You say that you didn't ask for the help, that he offered it. But you accepted it. And the minute you accepted it, you became an active participant in whatever it is that is happening between you too. If you know from experience that he always has a self-serving agenda, then you can't afford to just go with the flow. Like I said, you must set boundaries. And if you can't set boundaries for whatever reason, then you need to end these interactions.

I get that you need the help. But if he hadn't shown up to do it, what would you have done? You'd have made do without, right? You may have to consider doing just that if this situation looks like it's gonna cost you more (emotionally) than you're willing to pay.