A painful break up

[caressealma]

Just came across this forum and decided to share my story because I'm barely holding up.

It was always difficult for me to fall in love with someone that's why I've never been so much into relationships because to be with someone I needed to have an emotional bond. I started working on cruise line ships and I promised myself that I would give a try to be with someone and as a result I lost my virginity when I was 23. I dated a few guys and I've always felt loved and desired but I've never loved back. When two my exes disembarked I didn't even feel lonely and upset and to be honest I liked that I wasn't attached to people at all. 

My second contract I've met one guy and I think the day I saw him I felt something. In the beginning he said no promises because ship life is shitty and people just find someone else after their "loved ones" disembark and it was totally fine by me until I realised that I started feeling something strong. Anyway he disembarked and then me, we kept in touch by chatting daily and one day he told me that he got his next contract and I had an emotional breakdown because it meant that everything was over as I was supposed to get another ship (only married crew members get the same contract). But next morning I got an email from my agency asking me to confirm the disembarkation on the same ship he was!!! Honestly it was the happiest day in my life.

So we were together for two months, he disembarked again earlier than me but he planned to come for a cruise to my ship and that time we already said that we loved each other. Buuuut all that coronavirus situation started getting worse and as a result I was sent home. We live in different countries and we couldn't meet somewhere because of corona outbreak. As a result we didn't see each other for 1,5 year but we stayed strong and kept holding up and finally we met this summer but only for 10 days... He got another contract and I refused to go back working because I knew that we would not meet again. I decided to find something on land so that we could at least meet at my or his place after he would finish his contracts or I could come for a family cruise and be with him onboard for around 2 weeks. And I truly believed that if we managed 1,5 year then another 6 months wouldn't be a problem... I really believed in our love that it was strong and that we would manage to be together. So yesterday he texted me that we needed to talk and I already knew that it was over. We broke up over text. He said that he really loves me and he feels so good when we are together but he's so tired of not being able to see and touch me and that hurts a lot. We broke up very peacefully without any drama. But I'm having an emotional breakdown and can't accept the fact that everything I believed is over. I love him so much and unfortunately I literally dissolved myself in him and I know that its not good but its my first real love and my first real relationship. I feel so empty and I want to get rid of this unpleasant feeling in my stomach. And yesterday at night I understood one thing that his carrier and wishes come first and me was on the second place but for me he was the priority and always on the first place. I literally stopped keeping in touch with some friends and even avoided some relatives in order not to get any questions about my private life because you know sometimes its too much. I felt so stuck and not able to move forward because I was afraid that our relationship would be over, and I refused to go back onboard where my salary was high in comparison to jobs salaries on land. I LOST MYSELF. And it made me so sad because when someone says that he loves you there should be any actions, right? He never even offered to change at least a company and embark together with another agency or stay both on land and find a job so that we could live together like a normal couple. I just think he was just fighting with himself what to choose. all this time, what would be logical for him to do as he always called himself a logical person. 

I feel so disappointed, upset, miserable but also free and motivated to start a new life by dedicating myself to my career and self love. Just can't stop thinking of him and crying over the future that I dreamt about. Just can't. He was my man. Despite being depressed during this long distance relationship that lasted for 2,5 years, I was really happy to be physically with him, love was in the air and it was incredible to love and be loved with such passion. Im crying so hard. Can't stop checking his social medias and my phone in general. I don't want to block him to show how this break up impacted me. I just don't believe in what happened even though I was always keeping in my mind that we might not hold up and break up. I'm also afraid that I won't fall in love anymore because it was always difficult to me to have feelings to someone. And now I find love as a disease and I will take any precautions in order not to get it again. I'd better let people love me but I don't want to have this feeling again.

Sorry for such a big text and also for any mistakes I might made. Im not a native speaker. Thank you for reading. I really feel much better by writing all this. Thank you.

 

[glows]

It'll take time to heal. There are a lot of fears too like the ones you described about not experiencing love again but you will. Many of us have those same questions or hesitations. 

Blocking him is not a sign of weakness. It's a requirement if that's what's needed in order to move forwards with your life.

Don't pretend to be strong according to someone else's standards. Who are you trying to impress? Him? He is no longer in your life so start doing what you need to do instead of worrying about what others think, least of all him. If he considers himself so logical, I wouldn't think he would get overemotional over a woman moving on with her life however which way she thinks is best for her. 

 

[caressealma]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

It'll take time to heal. There are a lot of fears too like the ones you described about not experiencing love again but you will. Many of us have those same questions or hesitations. 

Blocking him is not a sign of weakness. It's a requirement if that's what's needed in order to move forwards with your life.

Don't pretend to be strong according to someone else's standards. Who are you trying to impress? Him? He is no longer in your life so start doing what you need to do instead of worrying about what others think, least of all him. If he considers himself so logical, I wouldn't think he would get overemotional over a woman moving on with her life however which way she thinks is best for her. 

 

You are totally right. I always worry what others will think. I hope with a time I'll think only about my comfort. Thank you so much!

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Losing love is the most painful when you lose yourself.  I have also made the same mistake and so I know how much pain you are in.

Unfortunately the only thing that heals is time.  Which grinds to a halt so it feels.

Just take it hour by hour then day by day.  Soon it will be week by week and then month by month.  Then you will be free.

You can do it.  You will find yourself again.  You seem like a very strong and smart person.

Regardless of the pain I still believe it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

So be grateful for that blessing and focus on living your life to the fullest.

[caressealma]

4 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said:

Losing love is the most painful when you lose yourself.  I have also made the same mistake and so I know how much pain you are in.

Unfortunately the only thing that heals is time.  Which grinds to a halt so it feels.

Just take it hour by hour then day by day.  Soon it will be week by week and then month by month.  Then you will be free.

You can do it.  You will find yourself again.  You seem like a very strong and smart person.

Regardless of the pain I still believe it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

So be grateful for that blessing and focus on living your life to the fullest.

Thank you so much! I just can’t wait to be able to move on. It’s so hard to understand that he’s not longer in my life. I’m a very shy person and didn’t open that much to people but I felt that he was my man therefore started opening slowly to him and now everything is over. I promised myself never loose myself in someone and be always aware of myself and my needs. I just wonder whether he suffers the same like me or not. Can’t get rid of these thoughts. I can definitely say that today I feel much better and even don’t feel a need to check on him on his social medias. But i still feel so empty.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

I am the same. Very shy and an extreme introvert.  It just takes time to reset yourself and clean the slate.  It will be up and down for a while yet.  One minute you will be fine and BAM feelings come again.  You just have to ride the wave until you make it to the other side.