How so I deal with a selfish greedy husband who won't buy FOOD?

[Angrywife32]

Hi guys! I just need a little help… Any advice would be much appreciated. I’ve been married for almost 3 years with my husband. We share the rent & utilities but he won’t pay for groceries. He would buy food “once in a blue moon” but only for himself. He refuses to cooperate and share the expense for food & bath products (I talked to him so many time). He is stingy, greedy & selfish and only thinks of himself, and when I buy the groceries he would eat my food. He gets paid 4x my salary. If I want to eat out or go on a date, It needs to be on my expense or we don’t go out at all. So no more dating or eating out. I want to teach him a lesson and hide food and toiletries from him. Toiletries I can hide, being stingy with him I can do, but what about the food? How do I manage this we only have on fridge and no space for another even a small one that I can hide at least. Please help me… I ran out of ideas to teach this greedy guy a lesson. I have been very generous and kind enough for many years.. enough is enough help me please. Thank you!

Edited January 14, 2022 by Angrywife32

[stillafool]

Well you could always eat out before you come home and let him worry about his dinner.  Why can't you both sit down and discuss what each of you will pay for when it comes to household expenses?  Wasn't he this cheap before you made the mistake of marrying him?

[Angrywife32]

No he wasn’t like that before. His true colours came out after the marriage. I work from home a rarely go out and ordering Uber everyday is expensive. I talked to him so many times but refused to cooperate. He won’t but toiletries but would use mine. He won’t buy food but would eat my food. He knows that I will always buy so he is trying to outsmart me. I need a solutions please….. 😞

Edited January 14, 2022 by Angrywife32

[stillafool]

Since you're intent on putting up with this:

1- Start going out of the house and eating your food.  It will be good for you since you're home all day working.

2-Get yourself a nice bag to keep all your toiletries in and keep it with you.

If you do these things I imagine it will only last for a week or 2 before you both have a big blow up over this.  Maybe then he will be willing to sit down and come up with a solution that works for you both.  If not, are you ready to move out and file for divorce?

 

[Angrywife32]

Thank you so much for your help. Yes I am considering divorce just saving for now. 

[Happy Lemming]

I have no words... I'm just appalled at his behavior.

As a last ditch effort, have you discussed budgeting?? 

It appears you are keeping your finances separate, so maybe sit down and have him do a budget, where he gives you money to shop for food for the household??  Have him spend his monthly income on paper and perhaps he can see that he needs to contribute for food and toiletries??

Did he grocery shop prior to getting married??  He is familiar with the concept, right??

I am truly at a loss...  I've never heard of such a thing.

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I don’t have any other suggestions that haven’t been made but wanted to send my sympathy. This situation sounds awful and I know I could not live like this — hiding things and trying to build a life with someone selfish and greedy. 

I definitely agree with you taking yourself out to eat—not only because you WFH but to change the dynamic.

Perhaps you could get him to go to marriage counseling (especially if the new strategies do result in a heart to heart, aka a “blow up”). I am curious as to why he behaves this way. Seems illogical, petty and just ridiculous. Life’s too short!

 

[glows]

3 hours ago, Angrywife32 said:

Hi guys! I just need a little help… Any advice would be much appreciated. I’ve been married for almost 3 years with my husband. We share the rent & utilities but he won’t pay for groceries. He would buy food “once in a blue moon” but only for himself. He refuses to cooperate and share the expense for food & bath products (I talked to him so many time). He is stingy, greedy & selfish and only thinks of himself, and when I buy the groceries he would eat my food. He gets paid 4x my salary. If I want to eat out or go on a date, It needs to be on my expense or we don’t go out at all. So no more dating or eating out. I want to teach him a lesson and hide food and toiletries from him. Toiletries I can hide, being stingy with him I can do, but what about the food? How do I manage this we only have on fridge and no space for another even a small one that I can hide at least. Please help me… I ran out of ideas to teach this greedy guy a lesson. I have been very generous and kind enough for many years.. enough is enough help me please. Thank you!

Where is his money going to if he makes four times as much as you? Was there a plan to buy a home, build or move? What were your plans as a couple? 

Ignore the temptation to teach him a lesson. It doesn’t solve any issues and likely won’t teach him anything. He’s an adult and set in his ways. 

If you are considering ending the marriage, have a plan and don’t go back and forth on it. 

[BaileyB]

Divorce. 

Why did you marry a man who refuses to buy food/share the living expenses with you?

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Angrywife32 said:

. We share the rent & utilities but he won’t pay for groceries. 

Rearrange your household budget. If you are paying for groceries, reduce what you contribute to rent and utilities.

[Happy Lemming]

I was thinking more and more about your husband.  And a possibility popped into my head...

Do you think your husband is overly worried about long-term savings or retirement planning??  Perhaps he is hyper-focused on today's pennies and not looking at tomorrow's dollars??

Have either of you sat down with a financial planner and discussed long-range savings & retirement planning??  Perhaps this is the first time he has made a "good" wage and really doesn't know how to handle the money??  Perhaps he is worried it will all go away and he'll be without income?? 

Maybe a third party (accountant / financial planner) could help you both by discussing EVERYTHING financial and put his mind at ease, thus opening his wallet for groceries and toiletries??

As a side note, this is just a shot in the dark and I could be totally off-base -- but I did want to suggest it.  It may be the solution to saving the marriage/relationship.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Angrywife32 said:

We share the rent & utilities but he won’t pay for groceries.. He gets paid 4x my salary.

Are you legally married?

If so there's no such thing as my food and his food, my toiletries and his toiletries. You two are acting like this is a college dorm.

If he earns 4x what you do, stop paying rent and utilities. Let him pay all the recurring bills and you can pay for groceries.

Check your credit scores, bank accounts and credit a cards. See where the money is going.

[Happy Lemming]

27 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you legally married?

 

 

16 hours ago, Angrywife32 said:

 I’ve been married for almost 3 years with my husband.

I made the assumption that they were, but if not... You are correct, this does change things.

[ShyViolet]

20 hours ago, Angrywife32 said:

 I want to teach him a lesson and hide food and toiletries from him. Toiletries I can hide, being stingy with him I can do, but what about the food? How do I manage this we only have one fridge and no space for another even a small one that I can hide at least. Please help me… I ran out of ideas to teach this greedy guy a lesson. I have been very generous and kind enough for many years.. enough is enough help me please. Thank you!

You can't "teach him a lesson" and you shouldn't be playing games like this in a marriage.  It's obvious that it's time to consider divorce.  A man is supposed to provide for his wife, I'm sorry if that sounds old fashioned.  If he is refusing to provide, (even though he makes more money than you!) then leave him. 

[heartwhole2]

I don't necessarily agree that a husband has to provide for his wife, but I do agree that any partner who refuses to use their ample salary to contribute to household expenses and groceries while expecting the lower income spouse to cover it all is hugely problematic.

Be prepared for him to be irrational and manipulative when you start enforcing boundaries. Really all you can do is say, "I can't force you to contribute to household expenses and stop you from eating food that's in the house. But I cannot accept the arrangement we have any more, and will be looking for my own place. If you would like to discuss an alternative before I move out, let me know." Don't go round and round with him. You don't need to prove to him that you're being rational and he's not. You just need to explain that you will not accept this any more and what you are going to do about it.

And then follow through.