Video games are causing issues

[sk1977]

Can someone please tell me if I’m in the wrong here…

My boyfriend of 2 years and I live together. I feel like he prefers spending his time playing video games and talking to other people while he plays over spending time and talking to me. 
 

it’s to the point where we don’t see each other the whole day and the first thing he does when he gets home is putting oculus over his face and gaming. 
 
One day, I came out of the shower, naked and suggested we go to the bedroom. He proceeded to tell me he will be there in 5 minutes, he just needed to finish the game. Like, really?!
 

Today I needed to talk to him about something time sensitive and asked him a question while he was playing  and he told me that I’m going to have to wait till he is done with the game and then we can talk. He then came to talk to me 15 min later. 
 

I understand his love for video games, but I feel like somehow I should take a priority over a silly video game. Am I wrong here? Am I being selfish? 
 

When I tried to tell him that it bothers me that he can’t give me his full attention when I need it, and gaming takes priority, he turned the blame on me, and said that i shouldn’t expect for him not to do something that he really enjoys doing. The thing is I’m not against him doing what he loves, but he is my priority and I always stop what I’m doing and give him my full attention if he needs it. 
 

He then stormed out of the room in the middle of our conversation and just left me hanging.

We’ve been having other issues in the relationship. Too much to describe, but what happened today really made me question if this relationship can ever work. 
 

I’m not sure what to do. I would appreciate any input. Am I overreacting? Thank you in advance!

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

You are not overthinking it.  You aren't compatible... and games dominate his life. 

OK... My house is full of games, and gaming related stuff... but I haven't played a game in days. (I'm more of a collector) But I have known people like your BF... and they are hard to deal with in the real world.  Unfortunately... it's probably time to just move on. 

[sk1977]

14 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

You are not overthinking it.  You aren't compatible... and games dominate his life. 

OK... My house is full of games, and gaming related stuff... but I haven't played a game in days. (I'm more of a collector) But I have known people like your BF... and they are hard to deal with in the real world.  Unfortunately... it's probably time to just move on. 

Thank you so much for your point of view. I appreciate it!

[Happy Lemming]

He is addicted to gaming... similar to an alcoholic, gambler or a druggie. 

It is an addiction, pure and simple. 

Let me ask you a question, can he put the games away in a box and leave them alone for 30 days??  If he can't do that, he is addicted.

[glows]

In each instance he is following up with you. You’re frustrated that you don’t have his attention whenever you want, the instant you need to ask something. I don’t see any problem with him asking for another five or fifteen minutes to wrap up a session. 

Is your sex life waning or non-existent? It sounds like a lot of resentment if he’s ignoring you when he gets home. He might not want to deal with your impatience or he feels you don’t respect his time when he is gaming. 

When are the times when you both get together to share a good meal? Do you do anything else together or engage in other activities or share interests? 

Edited January 15, 2022 by glows

[basil67]

I too, think it’s perfectly reasonable that he finishes his game in 5 or 15 minutes before he comes to you.   So many of our interests have logical finishing points.  I wouldn’t walk away from a half hemmed skirt, my husband wouldn’t walk away from a half watched soccer match.  If he’s playing guitar, he’d finish the song. And in gaming, it makes sense that your guy would want to get to the end of the level.  

That’s not to minimise your problem though.  My advice is to look at the big picture.  Date nights, evenings without gaming, shared times.  Are there enough of them?

[SleeplessinFlorida]

I say grab a controller and play with him maybe. No expert here but maybe it's worth a try. If you already invested that time in the relationship why give his hobbies a try. Just a thought. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[Woggle]

I like to play games and so does my wife but at the end of the day it doesn't run our lives. We have been getting more into them since we can't really travel too much but once things open back up they will go on the back burner. There are these things called pause buttons and he can press them if you need to talk to him.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, sk1977 said:

 he turned the blame on me, and said that i shouldn’t expect for him not to do something that he really enjoys doing. 

Sorry this is happening. Move out. Stop playing house. If he wants to do whatever he wants, fine but your needs are not being met.

You're incompatible and it sounds like too much too soon as far as living together. Don't nag. Just pack up and go.

[Happy Lemming]

14 hours ago, sk1977 said:

 

One day, I came out of the shower, naked and suggested we go to the bedroom. He proceeded to tell me he will be there in 5 minutes, he just needed to finish the game. Like, really?!

 

Many years ago, I was dating a woman.  It was during the NFL season and she asked what I was doing on Sunday, my response "Watching the game".  She asked if she could come over and watch with me and kind of explain the game to her.  She really hadn't watched football and knew very little about it, which was fine.

As halftime approached, she became quite bored.  At the 2:00 minute warning for halftime, she thought the game would be over in 2 minutes.  So, she went into the kitchen stripped down to her birthday suit and stood right in front of the TV, she told me if I could catch her I could "have" her.  So, I started trying to catch her running from room to room.  Needless to say, I missed the rest of the game, but it was worth it!!

I really have no words for this guy's actions.

9 hours ago, Woggle said:

There are these things called pause buttons and he can press them if you need to talk to him.

I've never been a gamer, so I didn't know you could "pause" the game.  So this adds even more confusion as to his actions.

 

[sk1977]

11 hours ago, glows said:

In each instance he is following up with you. You’re frustrated that you don’t have his attention whenever you want, the instant you need to ask something. I don’t see any problem with him asking for another five or fifteen minutes to wrap up a session. 

Is your sex life waning or non-existent? It sounds like a lot of resentment if he’s ignoring you when he gets home. He might not want to deal with your impatience or he feels you don’t respect his time when he is gaming. 

When are the times when you both get together to share a good meal? Do you do anything else together or engage in other activities or share interests? 

 

11 hours ago, glows said:

When are the times when you both get together to share a good meal? Do you do anything else together or engage in other activities or share interests? 

That’s the thing..we barely do anything together. He loves to watch TV. I have never watched this much TV in my life. We barely ever talk. He is not the talkative type, but I feel like, how do you really get to know a person without asking them question and listening to what they have to say. He says he is at the stage in the relationship where he feels comfortable and maybe a bit complacent, and that’s only after being together for 2 years…

There isn’t much affection and I’m a very affectionate person. He says he doesn’t need to kiss. I do though. 
 

And his behavior of walking out of the room in the middle of conversation… I just feel disrespected and that the video games are somehow more important…

 

[sk1977]

55 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

So, she went into the kitchen stripped down to her birthday suit and stood right in front of the TV, she told me if I could catch her I could "have" her.  So, I started trying to catch her running from room to room.  Needless to say, I missed the rest of the game, but it was worth it!!

I really have no words for this guy's actions.

I love this story!! Well, I thought, what kind of guy would prefer a video game over being intimate, unless, of course, he is not attracted to me anymore.

[Happy Lemming]

2 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

I love this story!! Well, I thought, what kind of guy would prefer a video game over being intimate, unless, of course, he is not attracted to me anymore.

I have no idea why he would prefer a video game.  I can't think of one activity that would I would continue doing, if offered sex.  If my girlfriend walked into the room naked, I'm going for it... immediately.  I mean even if the Superbowl is on, I'll record it and watch it later.

20 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

That’s the thing..we barely do anything together. He loves to watch TV. I have never watched this much TV in my life.

It's funny you should mention this.  My girlfriend and I were planning on going to this Art Exhibit she wanted to see.  That evening we heard on the news that the Omicron numbers in our county had jumped through the roof.  I asked her if she still wanted to try and go to the exhibit.  Sadly, we both agreed not to take the chance.  So, we just streamed a movie and watched that.

Like you... both my girlfriend and I are sick of TV.  We are going to try to plan some outdoor trips when it gets a little warmer.

 

[glows]

1 hour ago, sk1977 said:

 

That’s the thing..we barely do anything together. He loves to watch TV. I have never watched this much TV in my life. We barely ever talk. He is not the talkative type, but I feel like, how do you really get to know a person without asking them question and listening to what they have to say. He says he is at the stage in the relationship where he feels comfortable and maybe a bit complacent, and that’s only after being together for 2 years…

There isn’t much affection and I’m a very affectionate person. He says he doesn’t need to kiss. I do though. 
 

And his behavior of walking out of the room in the middle of conversation… I just feel disrespected and that the video games are somehow more important…

 

You seem invisible to him. This is who he is and he might just be like this in relationships in general.

Distracting himself with video games or getting lost in them is one way to avoid you and the real world. It’s his form of escapism but there are no healthy boundaries. 

It could be any hobby or activity. It just so happens to be gaming. 

I don’t think it’s wise to believe we can change people. If you’re not happy communicate to him and beyond that, you’re both incompatible. Lack of affection and ignoring you are ways a person stonewalls instead of dealing with issues in life as they come. 

If this is how he functions without a family or children, can you imagine your relationship with kids? What if you fall ill or there’s a crisis? Would he escape into his activities and ignore what’s happening around him? These are the questions I’d be asking myself in addition to processing that lack of affection or respect. 

 

[ShyViolet]

He spends most of his time playing video games and watching TV?  What is even remotely attractive or redeeming about this guy?  I'm sorry, but this guy sounds like a loser.  You should have higher standards for yourself than this, and leave.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, sk1977 said:

what kind of guy would prefer a video game over being intimate, unless, of course, he is not attracted to me anymore.

While he's got his face in his games, use that free time to contact friends a family and help you move out .

Start looking for affordable places. Severe all finances and accounts.

Do not mention you are moving or looking until you have a place and have moving plans in place. 

Or when he comes back from his virtual reality, let him face real reality and just have yourself and all your stuff gone.

The sooner you leave the sooner you'll find a well rounded man who cares about you.

[Els]

I think there are two separate issues here.

Re: waiting 5 or 10 minutes, depending on the game in question, I'm with your bf I'm afraid. I'm not sure what game he's playing, but NOT all games can be paused. For example, if my husband insisted that I "pause" in the middle of my raid, I will have 9 or 24 other people stuck waiting for me. These are real people with real lives, I've met some of them in person. If it's a genuine emergency then of course it's fine, but for anything else it would be inconsiderate of me to just walk off halfway through. Just like how, if I were playing basketball or something, I wouldn't just walk off the pitch halfway through a game because my partner wanted to talk to me, right? I'd wait until we're at a point where the others can continue without me temporarily, and then I'd go talk to my husband.

But the other issue is the amount of time he's spending with you, and in this case I'm 100% with you. Games should not take up so much of your time that you are ignoring the people in your life. If you're not going out on dates at all because he'd rather game all the time, that's a problem. If your relationship is lacking in intimacy, that's a problem.

So I suggest you talk to him about this and make it clear you're not happy... but don't make it about waiting 5 or 10 minutes for him to come talk to you. Make it about the real issue - he's not spending enough time with you.

Edited January 15, 2022 by Elswyth

[basil67]

With regards to pausing or stopping a game in the middle, It's not just about the technicalities  Imagine someone is watching a movie and is seriously engrossed, edge of the chair type stuff.   Would you really expect them to just pause in the middle of the exciting drama?   At the very least, it's good manners allow them to wait until the scene changes so that they can catch their breath.

[sk1977]

On 1/15/2022 at 9:36 AM, Happy Lemming said:

Like you... both my girlfriend and I are sick of TV.  We are going to try to plan some outdoor trips when it gets a little warmer.

I think it’s okay to stay home, I don’t need to go out all the time. I just wish we would play a game, talk, do a puzzle, dance in our living room or something instead of constantly just watching TV. Or talk about the movie or show we just watched instead of just watching one thing after the other. I feel like I’m turning into a zombie in front of TV.

[sk1977]

On 1/15/2022 at 4:16 PM, basil67 said:

With regards to pausing or stopping a game in the middle, It's not just about the technicalities  Imagine someone is watching a movie and is seriously engrossed, edge of the chair type stuff.   Would you really expect them to just pause in the middle of the exciting drama?   At the very least, it's good manners allow them to wait until the scene changes so that they can catch their breath.

I get it. If it was something unimportant and I just wanted to chat, I usually don’t interrupt his playing time. I did have an important question that I needed to know his thoughts on right away, because 2k was on the line. And I told him what it was, and he just told me I had to wait. 

 

On 1/14/2022 at 10:14 PM, SleeplessinFlorida said:

I say grab a controller and play with him maybe. No expert here but maybe it's worth a try. If you already invested that time in the relationship why give his hobbies a try. Just a thought. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Unfortunately I’m unable to play these VR games because I get instant motion sickness…otherwise I would join. But the issue still remains that I came to him with important, time-sensitive question about real life, and he thought VR was more important.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

I feel like I’m turning into a zombie in front of TV.

You seem very incompatible and the resentment of being stuck in a sedentary screen-dominated life is already getting to you.

Cut your losses. Live your own life. Why be a vegetable with him when you can be yourself with the right person?

[sk1977]

On 1/15/2022 at 1:33 PM, ShyViolet said:

He spends most of his time playing video games and watching TV?  What is even remotely attractive or redeeming about this guy?  I'm sorry, but this guy sounds like a loser.  You should have higher standards for yourself than this, and leave.

It hasn’t always been like this. I fell in love with the version of him who was in love with me and showed attention and affection towards me and made me a priority. Now I love him and he’s changed, but it’s hard to walk away because time and energy was invested, I love his family and there is a lease in my name for the next 9 months.

[Els]

3 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

it’s hard to walk away because time and energy was invested, I love his family and there is a lease in my name for the next 9 months.

You have only been together for two years, it's him and not his family that you'll be spending most of your time with, and if you find someone to take over your lease you will be taking minimal financial damage from breaking the lease.

If you're not happy with the way you two are spending most of your days together, and he's not willing to change, then the only thing you can do is leave. You HAVE talked to him about it before... right....?

[SleeplessinFlorida]

38 minutes ago, sk1977 said:

I think it’s okay to stay home, I don’t need to go out all the time. I just wish we would play a game, talk, do a puzzle, dance in our living room or something instead of constantly just watching TV. Or talk about the movie or show we just watched instead of just watching one thing after the other. I feel like I’m turning into a zombie in front of TV.

Idk sounds like you just need to move on. Not healthy to be in that situation.

[flitzanu]

as a guy who has been in this exact situation, i was letting games consume my life and not realizing that i was pushing away the girl i lived with for two years.  it took her leaving me for me to see what i'd done, and also to realize that perhaps i was using it as my own escape from reality and real life stresses that i wasn't aware of (anxiety, depression, etc).  

i don't know the answers to how to get him to look inward, but it could be maybe he hates his job, maybe he's clinically depressed, maybe it's a coping mechanism, maybe he thinks everything is "fine" with the relationship and doesn't see what he is doing, or, maybe he just isn't into you and games are a way to not deal with you.

fyi, the conclusion of my story, i thought things were fine and this was the girl i wanted to marry, and then she left.  and i've regretted it every day since.