It's all falling apart and I can't see a way to fix it.

[Sierra90]

My parents came out to us as swingers. The whole club scene, partner swap, orgies and whatever else they do there. It was just so direct, we were at a family get together and they called us all around and told us. Dad has a girlfriend, mom has a boyfriend and a girlfriend and we can expect to see them around from now on, we’re all old enough to handle it.

Maybe I just have old fashioned values but this has freaked me out. To make it worse both my younger sisters are ok with it, even discussing it freely with them and suggesting they’re interested. I mean it’s one thing to consider it but sharing in with your family and then my sisters telling my mom they would like to try. No!! This had to be a prank, sadly it’s not. The only one who agrees with me is my older sister.

I’ll learn to deal with all that, this post is not about that. This is about my husband (not legally), together 9 years, 4 kids, never had any issues. Now he’s keen on this idea, he’s using my parents and their strong relationship as the example of what we could be. He’s using my siblings as an example of how open we should be to the idea. I’m disgusted by him right now. Look, he’s apologized, he says he will never raise the idea again but that’s not good enough for me. He still feels that way, he’s just not verbalizing it, that’s probably worse.

I’m not sure how to deal with this. He wants to have sex with other people, he has literally said that. He wants me to have sex with other people, he has literally said that. I can’t solve this. He refuses to go to a counselor. We haven’t had sex in 6 months, I just don’t want to be with him when he wants to pass me around to other people. I sleep next to him every night but I’m lonely, I want to touch him, feel him, but he’s not my husband, he’s some new person I don’t know or want to know. I feel like my marriage has just fallen apart all because my parents wanted to brag about being swingers. I do understand that he must have had these desires beforehand and my parents coming out just bought it to the fore but that’s not much of a consolation.

I have cut contact with my parents which is really hard as they used to babysit while I worked. I have very little contact with my younger sisters but have become quite close to my older sister. Her husband is amazing, he fully supports my sister and I. He has never raised any desire to try it. He tried speaking to my husband who said to him what he said to me that he was sorry and wouldn’t raise it again. But when pushed on whether he would still like to he said yes. So incredibly sad.

I have organized a counselor for myself but they’re not easy to come by so I don’t have my first session until late February. Any advice on what to do/say/try until then? Is there even any coming back from this? Do I just accept that just like that, just like a click of the fingers, just one issue has destroyed my happiness?

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Sierra90 said:

together 9 years, 4 kids. I’m disgusted by him right now. 

.We haven’t had sex in 6 months, 

Good you are seeking a therapist to sort this out with.  Get to a physician for STD testing and discuss that your BF talks about swinging. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

As far as your parents, their sex life is their business and it's odd to make it a family matter. Eventually you'll have to come to terms with it since your children may want to see thier grandparents.

[Sierra90]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Get to a physician for STD testing

I mean it's always a possibility but I've never had any indication he was ever cheating.  I will however get checked, better safe than sorry.  

[glows]

Your communication with your partner seems closed off. He has to convince other family members that he won’t bring it up again and it’s relayed to you. He can’t express his desires without being judged and so there’s a wall between the two of you. He can’t have sex with you either because you’re upset with his desires. 

I suspect all this boils down to not enough communication and a huge rift between the two of you. He’s not satisfied in the relationship and you’re angry at him for it. It’s a cycle that feeds itself. 

The sooner you recognize this and both of you address where this is coming from it’ll clear the air. The bottomline is this isn’t a happy relationship. You’ve told yourself you were happy but he hasn’t been. Therapy might help unearth your resentments with each other and how it’s come to this. 

Regarding your other family members practice better boundaries. They seem to be informing everyone so that no one suspects someone or cheating. Their sex/love life otherwise has nothing to do with you. 

 

[elaine567]

You had four kids with a man who didn't marry you, so it is hardly surprising to find he is not committed to monogamy and wants to sleep with other women.
Not only that he wants to farm you out to other men too... that may indeed be seen as worse.
Monogamous people do not want to open up their relationships, it is against all they believe in.
Your husband is obviously not monogamous by nature.

You are correct your relationship such as it was with this man is ruined, he does not want what you want, and so it has naturally fallen apart.
You may want to carry on for the sake of your kids but I doubt things will ever be the same for you ever again.
Sorry!

(BTW some will suggest opening up relationships/swinging as they are already in an affair and seek to legitimise it, so keep your eyes and ears open.)
 

[stillafool]

14 hours ago, Sierra90 said:

’m not sure how to deal with this. He wants to have sex with other people, he has literally said that. He wants me to have sex with other people, he has literally said that. I can’t solve this. He refuses to go to a counselor. We haven’t had sex in 6 months, I just don’t want to be with him when he wants to pass me around to other people.

I don't see this changing.  He doesn't sound interested in having sex with you anymore whether it is due to boredom of just wanting someone else he's made it clear he wants sex with other people.  I don't see this as fixable, counselor or not.  Maybe he's afraid you'll get pregnant again and he doesn't want more kids, IDK.    You may have to move out if you can't handle it because it doesn't sound like he's going to change.

[Sierra90]

Thank you for the replies.  I see the consensus is what I already feared, that we're done.  It's sad, what we had was great, although maybe I had rose colored glasses on.  Now we just have to untangle the mess we created.  I don't imagine it will be easy and I don't think he will take it well.  And the people I traditionally relied on for support are persona non grata at the moment.  Yay for me!!

20 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You had four kids with a man who didn't marry you

He did want to.  I'm the one who discouraged it (although I would have said yes if he asked).  A piece of paper wouldn't have changed a thing here.  Our commitment to each other was what it was, married or not. 

[amerikajin]

On 1/15/2022 at 4:26 AM, Sierra90 said:

He wants to have sex with other people, he has literally said that. He wants me to have sex with other people, he has literally said that.

He wants to feel less guilty about how he's hurting you, but you I'm guessing you figured this out already.
 

Quote

 

I can’t solve this. He refuses to go to a counselor. We haven’t had sex in 6 months, I just don’t want to be with him when he wants to pass me around to other people.

 

That's right, you can't solve this - at least not on your own. So don't try to solve it; just focus on what you want and what you think is best for your family.

 

Quote

I have organized a counselor for myself but they’re not easy to come by so I don’t have my first session until late February. Any advice on what to do/say/try until then? Is there even any coming back from this? Do I just accept that just like that, just like a click of the fingers, just one issue has destroyed my happiness?

Your identity, your view of self will change - not really your choice. Don't see yourself as his wife right now. First see yourself as a strong and independent woman who deserves happiness and as a loving and caring mother and sister (I'll get around to your parents). 

There's accountability in any relationship. You know what you signed up for when you married him, and it wasn't this. I'm pretty sure you made that clear either explicitly or implicitly, but it's not a requirement either way - it's understood from the beginning, at least to most people with common sense. 

At some point, you may want to reach out to your parents again. What they did is unconventional and counter to your value system, but they probably feel like they've got their own reasons for doing what they do. You don't have to agree with it. They didn't cause your husband's problems though. He's accountable, no matter who or what influences him.

[Wiseman2]

On 1/15/2022 at 5:50 AM, Sierra90 said:

I mean it's always a possibility but I've never had any indication he was ever cheating.  I will however get checked, better safe than sorry.  

Yes. He is exploiting your parents revelation to facilitate his own agenda. Perhaps he's curious, perhaps he is not or will not be monogamous.

Either way this seems like him changing the goal posts regarding your union. You were wise not to marry him. 

At some point you'll have to figure out the grandparents thing. Right now their oversharing is a shock, but do what is right for you and your children.