Boyfriend ignoring me to play at casino?

[Kyrak]

My boyfriend and I were going to meet in the evening but when I called him in the afternoon he was at the casino (he was still out since the previous night partying) and he sounded agitated cause he lost money and wanted to gain them back. I texted him that i was disappointed by this and was looking forward to meeting with him. He didn't reply or call me although he said he was gonna come after and call me later. I left him another text around midnight that I was going to bed wished him good night and told me that I love him. He hasn't replied to that either or called. It's not the first time he ignored my texts or calls but haven't mentioned casino before. I was surprised to find out he spent whole day there and even tonight probably given that he agreed to meet me and then completely ignored my attempts to reach out even after I expressed how it made me feel. I mentioned in my message that will call him tomorrow but I won't do that cause I tried to be understanding and compassionate because he struggles also with his mental health and depression but I cannot pester him if he doesn't want to open up. I love him and I want to be there for him but I'm hurting to see him in a self destructive mode which can last 48 hours sometimes. Do you think he'll reach out tomorrow when he checks my texts? I doubt he paid attention although he did pick up the phone when I called him. I'm sad and not sure how to handle this. I know that deep down he hates letting me down but can't help himself. Lately he's been going out to parties getting drunk and use drugs, then regret it and hate himself about it. He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me and it makes him sad to hurt me but he just doesn't love himself. 

[BaileyB]

Why are dating a man who has a real problem with alcohol, drugs, and gambling?

[Kyrak]

We have been together for 10 months and he made a huge progress to find his path and get rid of his addictions. But he has this uncontrollable reckless side which makes him indulge in these activities. I was absent for 2 weeks on a business trip but we kept in touch. He sounded tired and sleepy all the time. I am not sure when casino started. I know he's going through a tough time and I have been struggling with addiction and depression myself so I cannot judge on that but only pray for him. I'm honestly hurt but don't want to give up on him.

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, Kyrak said:

don't want to give up on him.

Why not?
He is obviously struggling and he is making you unhappy.
If you are having a hard time with addiction and depression too, the last thing you need is a millstone around your neck...
 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, Kyrak said:

I'm honestly hurt but don't want to give up on him.

Respectfully, it’s been 10 months. It’s the perfect time to leave before you get more invested - it only gets harder when you are married and have children with a man who has an “uncontrollable reckless side.” 

We date to discover who the other person is and decide whether they are a good and healthy partner for us. When we discover HUGE red flags, that’s our cue to end the relationship - 

You, my dear, seem to have quite a codependent/white knight tendency. You are depressed yourself, so you feel like you need to love this man well.

Remember, you didn’t cause this, you don’t control this, and you can’t cure this. 

Love doesn’t conquer these kinds of very serious addiction and mental health issues.  You can encourage him to get help but then you need to establish a healthy boundary for yourself. Healthy relationships require boundaries and alcohol, drug, and gambling addictions have no business in a healthy relationship. It should be an absolutely NO GO.

Edited January 15, 2022 by BaileyB

[Kyrak]

I got over my issues and never spined out of control. The trouble begun with me leaving and returning to find him going out all the time getting drunk and wanting to have fun. He kind of stopped including me in parties because when I used to join him he would go out of control and argue but in the end I was managing to take him back home and rest and sober up without giving in any addiction. He started avoiding inviting me so he could do all the stuff he doesnt want to do in front of me. Also i dont care about parties and going out just want my bf back. I've seen his funny charming positive and supportive side. He can be sweet and caring. I want to sit down and have a talk with him and ask if he's willing to get real help about his issues and actually deal with them.

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Kyrak said:

I've seen his funny charming positive and supportive side. He can be sweet and caring

And that is what keeps you hooked, but that is not the real him.
The real him is a gambling addicted, drug addicted party goer.
You can't fix him.
He will or he won't fix himself.
Stay away for your own sake.
Get well.

[Kyrak]

I don't agree with this cause I've lived with him for 10 months and got to connect with him on a deeper level. He is a person who is currently struggling. Now that he shut me out I'd assume we are going for a break up. I'm giving him a last chance to openly talk about it and see if we can get through this. He is doing therapy and I'm not an expert on mental health issues but his mood swings are a challenge. One day hes super motivated loves me and he's the perfect boyfriend and the other is he ignores me and goes out and gets depressed. 

[Kyrak]

Just now, Kyrak said:

I don't agree with this cause I've lived with him for 10 months and got to connect with him on a deeper level. He is a person who is currently struggling. Now that he shut me out I'd assume we are going for a break up. I'm giving him a last chance to openly talk about it and see if we can get through this. He is doing therapy and I'm not an expert on mental health issues but his mood swings are a challenge. One day hes super motivated loves me and he's the perfect boyfriend and the other is he ignores me and goes out and gets depressed. 

I do love him and I want to help him get better. I do believe that he doesn't intentionally want to hurt me. I am looking for advice on how to handle this not on whether I should stay or go. I haven't thought about breaking up although it's possible that it might happen sooner or later.

[elaine567]

Trouble is mental health issues  tend to make the people suffering very self obsessed and selfish.

It is all about him. You are nothing in his life, so forget sacrificing yourself to "cure" him.
Leave him to the professionals.
This is all well past your pay grade.

You only get one life,  so is up to you to spend your time wisely.

[BaileyB]

45 minutes ago, Kyrak said:

I've lived with him for 10 months

You’ve only been in a relationship with the man for 10 months. Where are your boundaries? Did you seriously move in with a man who you did not know who coincidentally has a problems with drugs, alcohol, and gambling?

45 minutes ago, Kyrak said:

One day hes super motivated loves me and he's the perfect boyfriend and the other is he ignores me and goes out and gets depressed. 

Why do you stay when he treats you badly and makes you upset?

43 minutes ago, Kyrak said:

I am looking for advice on how to handle this not on whether I should stay or go.

You don’t understand. He has some really serious mental health and addiction issues.   There is nothing you can do to fix this - you have no control here. The only think you can do is decide to put your own well-being first and leave, or stay and suffer. 

If I had one suggestion it would be for you to attend an an-anon meeting or find a counsellor. Educate yourself on addictions and codependency. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

56 minutes ago, Kyrak said:

One day hes super motivated loves me and he's the perfect boyfriend and the other is he ignores me and goes out and gets depressed. 

Google search “the cycle of abuse.” He’s up and you are in love, he’s down and you are hurting. Then will come the apology, the sweet and charming man you feel in love with, and he will beg you not to leave him… The ups keep you in the relationship - for now. With time, the downs will become more and more intolerable for you. 

He is likely using drugs and alcohol as a form of self medication for his mental health issues. Try as he might, until he gets professional help he won’t be in any place to have a relationship with another person. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Kyrak said:

He started avoiding inviting me so he could do all the stuff he doesnt want to do in front of me.

This is not the action of a man who wants to get sober. These are the actions of a man who is deep in his addiction. 

[amerikajin]

2 hours ago, Kyrak said:

My boyfriend and I were going to meet in the evening but when I called him in the afternoon he was at the casino (he was still out since the previous night partying) and he sounded agitated cause he lost money and wanted to gain them back. I texted him that i was disappointed by this and was looking forward to meeting with him. He didn't reply or call me although he said he was gonna come after and call me later. I left him another text around midnight that I was going to bed wished him good night and told me that I love him. He hasn't replied to that either or called. It's not the first time he ignored my texts or calls but haven't mentioned casino before. I was surprised to find out he spent whole day there and even tonight probably given that he agreed to meet me and then completely ignored my attempts to reach out even after I expressed how it made me feel. I mentioned in my message that will call him tomorrow but I won't do that cause I tried to be understanding and compassionate because he struggles also with his mental health and depression but I cannot pester him if he doesn't want to open up. I love him and I want to be there for him but I'm hurting to see him in a self destructive mode which can last 48 hours sometimes. Do you think he'll reach out tomorrow when he checks my texts? I doubt he paid attention although he did pick up the phone when I called him. I'm sad and not sure how to handle this. I know that deep down he hates letting me down but can't help himself. Lately he's been going out to parties getting drunk and use drugs, then regret it and hate himself about it. He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me and it makes him sad to hurt me but he just doesn't love himself. 

I'm going to give you some unsolicited advice: break up with him. Drop him like a bad habit.

He's a gambling addict. The longer you spend time with him, the more miserable you're going to be.

I suppose if you've got a deep history together and you really love this guy, maybe at least give him a chance to come correct and get professional help before you do the deed, but I'm warning you: gambling addicts are just as bad as alcohol or drug addicts. In some ways worse because they're more likely to leave your family financially screwed.

[amerikajin]

1 hour ago, Kyrak said:

We have been together for 10 months and he made a huge progress to find his path and get rid of his addictions. But he has this uncontrollable reckless side which makes him indulge in these activities. I was absent for 2 weeks on a business trip but we kept in touch. He sounded tired and sleepy all the time. I am not sure when casino started. I know he's going through a tough time and I have been struggling with addiction and depression myself so I cannot judge on that but only pray for him. I'm honestly hurt but don't want to give up on him.

My sister struggled with addiction and depression and, predictably, met and married a guy who was a 'recovering' addict. It was good for five years - they had good intentions. But eventually, her hubby cracked. Ended up doing drugs and stealing money from their coffee shop to fund it. She had no idea what was going on until it was too late. It got really bad. Cops had to be called out a night or two.

Just, don't do this.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Kyrak said:

I am looking for advice on how to handle this not on whether I should stay or go. I haven't thought about breaking up although it's possible that it might happen sooner or later.

It’s very likely it’ll end in a break up. Did you move in with him or did he move in with you? Are either/both of you employed? Whose names are on the lease or whose home is it? 

You seem codependent. Read more on codependency especially with addictions. This is a one sided relationship, meaning you’re the only one in it full time or present. 

This isn’t going to end well. Protect your finances and health (your own mental and physical health) and have a plan to extricate yourself. There’s nothing here. It’s a dead end whether you’re ready to admit it just yet or not. 

I would suggest that you seek counselling for yourself to get to the bottom of why you’re in a relationship like this and what’s causing you to stay. Take care of yourself.

Edited January 16, 2022 by glows

[AngryGromit]

17 hours ago, Kyrak said:

 .... he was still out since the previous night partying) and he sounded agitated cause he lost money and wanted to gain them back.

The first obvious question is your his girlfriend, if he's out partying, why didn't he invite you? 

The second part if a HUGE red flag. No one like to lose when they gamble, but they take the loss and walk away.  To try and win back what you lost is a big sign of a compulsive gambler, even by some miracle he winds back what he lost, he's not going to be satisfied with breaking even, he will want to walk away a winner, which will most likely lead him losing anything he "won back" again.

The big question, do you want to fall in love and marry someone that at any time he could relapse into his gambling addiction and gamble his (and yours) paycheck away leaving you no money for the rent, utilities and food for the baby that month?  Personally I would never feel secure knowing my partner is a powder keg that could go off any any time. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by AngryGromit

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, Kyrak said:

We have been together for 10 months and he made a huge progress to find his path and get rid of his addictions. But he has this uncontrollable reckless side which makes him indulge in these activities.  I have been struggling with addiction and depression myself.

Sorry this is happening. focus on your own mental and physical health.

Get into treatment programs. Get into support groups.

Hanging around addicts and compulsive gamblers will drag you down and sabotage your attempts at sobriety.

[smackie9]

16 hours ago, Kyrak said:

We have been together for 10 months and he made a huge progress to find his path and get rid of his addictions. But he has this uncontrollable reckless side which makes him indulge in these activities. I was absent for 2 weeks on a business trip but we kept in touch. He sounded tired and sleepy all the time. I am not sure when casino started. I know he's going through a tough time and I have been struggling with addiction and depression myself so I cannot judge on that but only pray for him. I'm honestly hurt but don't want to give up on him.

Addictions/depression are not cured in a few months, you know this right?....it's a life long forever disease/disorder, and is only maintained by counseling, therapy, medication right? YOU having addiction issues puts yourself into danger dating someone like him...it can trigger you to fall back. The only way he's gonna get out of this is to hit rock bottom, get a sponsor and work on himself. They say being in a relationship when you are trying to get off an addiction only exasperates the struggle because they become dependent on the relationship instead of focusing on getting help. Standing by and praying for him does nothing, but tough love does. Save yourself, tell him to get help. walk away.

[LatinCoffee]

18 hours ago, Kyrak said:

My boyfriend and I were going to meet in the evening but when I called him in the afternoon he was at the casino (he was still out since the previous night partying) and he sounded agitated cause he lost money and wanted to gain them back. I texted him that i was disappointed by this and was looking forward to meeting with him. He didn't reply or call me although he said he was gonna come after and call me later. I left him another text around midnight that I was going to bed wished him good night and told me that I love him. He hasn't replied to that either or called. It's not the first time he ignored my texts or calls but haven't mentioned casino before. I was surprised to find out he spent whole day there and even tonight probably given that he agreed to meet me and then completely ignored my attempts to reach out even after I expressed how it made me feel. I mentioned in my message that will call him tomorrow but I won't do that cause I tried to be understanding and compassionate because he struggles also with his mental health and depression but I cannot pester him if he doesn't want to open up. I love him and I want to be there for him but I'm hurting to see him in a self destructive mode which can last 48 hours sometimes. Do you think he'll reach out tomorrow when he checks my texts? I doubt he paid attention although he did pick up the phone when I called him. I'm sad and not sure how to handle this. I know that deep down he hates letting me down but can't help himself. Lately he's been going out to parties getting drunk and use drugs, then regret it and hate himself about it. He tells me that he doesn't want to lose me and it makes him sad to hurt me but he just doesn't love himself. 

Though you love this guy, it's not your job to fix his issues. The red flags are waving. If he doesn't improve, get out of the relationship. It's causing you angst.

[smackie9]

21 hours ago, Kyrak said:

One day hes super motivated loves me and he's the perfect boyfriend and the other is he ignores me and goes out and gets depressed. 

Girl congrats on your sobriety...in order to keep yourself there is to keep the dysfunction out of your life if you ever want to be successful in your own. You need to surround yourself with mentally healthy, stable, happy, POSITIVE successful people. You know what he is doing...he's been lying about it, and hiding his activities.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately when you choose to get better and choose to stay healthy, clean and sober, your entire life needs to change.

One of the main things is avoiding people who have addictions. Start by joining some groups, clubs and getting involved in sports and fitness.

The more nonalcoholic drug-free people, places, activities and things you incorporate into your life the better your chances to stay healthy clean and sober.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship is on a collision course, and it's quickly gaining speed. It's not going to end well, OP. 

You sitting down and talking to him about getting help is very unlikely to make any difference. His issues are far too big for that. 

The choice here basically boils down to how much heartache you're willing to endure before the relationship crashes and burns. 

[notbroken]

Continue with him at your own peril.  He is an addict.  He will bring down himself and all those nearby will also suffer the consequences.  If you too are/were an addict, he is VERY dangerous for you - even more so than to a 'normal' person.   Seriously, you can't fix the world - or him.  He is a danger to himself and others - and specifically to you.  Avoid.  Run!