If he didn't ask a follow up question is he not interested

[Lookingforlove98]

I am online dating and get lots of matches and messages but one thing I noticed is that with some guys they don’t carry the conversation. 
 

2 examples from guys i talked to recently: 

One messaged asking me what bookstore I was at in a pic I had. I looked at his profile and saw it said “botching first messages” on the “list of things he’s good at”. But I overall liked his profile so I responded with the bookstore and how I was new in town , and also asking him where he was in one of his pics. This was the reply I received a few hours later: 

“Oh nice. I just got here too, started a new job just this week actually. 
That's way back in the Yosemite backcountry near ______.”

 

It seems like there’s nothing more for me to say now. Am I supposed to respond or leave the ball dropped and take the hint?  I  guess I don’t understand what’s the point of even messaging me at all unless he really wanted to know the bookstore that was in the background of my picture.  Especially since his profile is very direct, says he’s picky who he messages, doesn’t waste time. 
 

Another example is a guy I was talking to last night. He liked my profile and asked me how I was and responded “good, you?” He said he’s   not very good, so I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, though understand if not since I’m a stranger. 

“I'm honestly not opposed to talking about it, but it's a bit much for a first conversation imo so maybe in the near future. Has less to do with you being a random person and more to do with it being a lot for even my personal circle of friends and family so it's not something I'm just gonna jump into with someone I've starting to get to know.”

 

It’s strange because in our short interaction he never asked me a follow up question , but he said in the near future, which made it sound like he wants to keep talking. I just unmatched him. 

 

Online dating is so confusing to me. 

Edited January 15, 2022 by Lookingforlove98

[Gaeta]

The first man you're the one who's dropping the ball. In his last message he gave you lots of information to feed a conversation. There is no need of a question mark to carry a conversation, ask him where he lived before, how long he's been here, does he like it so far, why he picked that city etc! He doesn't care about the bookstore, he used that to start a convo with you.

Forget about 2nd guy.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The first man you're the one who's dropping the ball. In his last message he gave you lots of information to feed a conversation. There is no need of a question mark to carry a conversation, ask him where he lived before, how long he's been here, does he like it so far, why he picked that city etc! He doesn't care about the bookstore, he used that to start a convo with you.

This!  You actually took the words G, saved me time!  😅

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[Lookingforlove98]

41 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The first man you're the one who's dropping the ball. In his last message he gave you lots of information to feed a conversation. There is no need of a question mark to carry a conversation, ask him where he lived before, how long he's been here, does he like it so far, why he picked that city etc! He doesn't care about the bookstore, he used that to start a convo with you.

Forget about 2nd guy.

 

32 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

This!  You actually took the words G, saved me time!  😅

 

Thanks, so you guys really think the first guy expects a response to what he wrote ? It sounded like he was just stating facts and didn’t want to be rude by not answering 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Lookingforlove98

[poppyfields]

Just now, Lookingforlove98 said:

 

Thanks, so you guys really think the first guy expects a response to what he wrote ? It sounded like he was just stating facts and didn’t want to be rude by not answering 

I did not get that impression at all, what a negative mindset.  Where did that come from, assuming the worst?

My very first thought in response would have been "where are you from, are you enjoying it here"?

And then told him something about myself. 

Most men are closed at first, women are the communicaters, you have to open them up by being open yourself. 

It's pretty amazing how that works... 😂

[basil67]

Yes, I too could easily carry on a conversation with what guy #1 responded with.   The trick is to see how things go from there.  As you keep messaging, see just how much effort he puts into getting to know you.  

[glows]

You could have asked #1 what his job is about or what he does. Conversation will flow when you’re genuinely interested in someone or open to conversing about yourself also if he asks questions. 

Are you feeling closed off or insecure about being in a new town? I get the sense that you’re a little nervous but not sure where that’s coming from. It’s perfectly normal to feel a little nervous and disoriented being in a new place. 

Remember that there are many people on that app in the same area like you and all you’re doing is breaking the ice and chatting.

Aim to meet the person within a week. This means if you don’t see yourself being attracted enough to meet with him, don’t waste your time. Move on to the next match. 

[Lookingforlove98]

26 minutes ago, glows said:

You could have asked #1 what his job is about or what he does. Conversation will flow when you’re genuinely interested in someone or open to conversing about yourself also if he asks questions. 

Are you feeling closed off or insecure about being in a new town? I get the sense that you’re a little nervous but not sure where that’s coming from. It’s perfectly normal to feel a little nervous and disoriented being in a new place. 

Remember that there are many people on that app in the same area like you and all you’re doing is breaking the ice and chatting.

Aim to meet the person within a week. This means if you don’t see yourself being attracted enough to meet with him, don’t waste your time. Move on to the next match. 

Thanks for the advice. I guess my fear is noticeable. I am 23F and haven’t really been on the dating scene since my senior year of high school and never been on dating apps. But between leaving college and my last relationship and COViD,  I don’t get out as much anymore and work from home, I don’t have many opportunities to meet the right men so here I am. I am looking for someone who gets me that I can spend forever with but dating is hard for me especially online dating. 
 

 I can’t tell if they’re hitting on me or interested or not , so I just respond the questions and ask them questions,  or if they ask me on a date I say yes . But so many people online are just playing games , or not interested, or just plain weird 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Lookingforlove98

[glows]

6 minutes ago, Lookingforlove98 said:

Thanks for the advice. I guess my fear is noticeable. I am 23F and haven’t really been on the dating scene since my senior year of high school and never been on dating apps. But between leaving college and my last relationship and COViD,  I don’t get out as much anymore and work from home, I don’t have many opportunities to meet the right men so here I am. I am looking for someone who gets me that I can spend forever with and I don’t think I have low self esteem but dating is hard for me especially online dating.
 

 I can’t tell if they’re hitting on me or interested or not , so I just respond the questions and ask them questions,  or if they ask me on a date I say yes 

That’s ok. Hitting on you isn’t what to look out for as it’s common. See that he treats you like a gentleman and follows through if you both make plans.

Follow the cues and go with the flow. Online dating is not for everyone so excuse yourself or take breaks if you need a break. Be cautious and trust your instincts. 

 

[princessaurora]

2 hours ago, Lookingforlove98 said:

Oh nice. I just got here too, started a new job just this week actually. 
That's way back in the Yosemite backcountry near ______.”

This guy seems like he's interested in at least getting to know you. I'm a big nature girl, so I would have been all over that Yosemite comment. 

They're not always going to ask a question. Sometimes they just make a comment to see if y'all have common interests or to get the conversation moving. 

It wasn't an end to the discussion. You could have followed up with " Oh, do you hike alot?" or " I love Yosemite! "and let things continue from there. 

 

2 hours ago, Lookingforlove98 said:

Another example is a guy I was talking to last night. He liked my profile and asked me how I was and responded “good, you?” He said he’s   not very good, so I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, though understand if not since I’m a stranger. 

“I'm honestly not opposed to talking about it, but it's a bit much for a first conversation imo so maybe in the near future. Has less to do with you being a random person and more to do with it being a lot for even my personal circle of friends and family so it's not something I'm just gonna jump into with someone I've starting to get to know.”

Stay away from this guy. He sounds like he's looking for free therapy. 

[Lookingforlove98]

2 hours ago, princessaurora said:

This guy seems like he's interested in at least getting to know you. I'm a big nature girl, so I would have been all over that Yosemite comment. 

They're not always going to ask a question. Sometimes they just make a comment to see if y'all have common interests or to get the conversation moving. 

It wasn't an end to the discussion. You could have followed up with " Oh, do you hike alot?" or " I love Yosemite! "and let things continue from there. 

 

Stay away from this guy. He sounds like he's looking for free therapy. 

Ok thanks 

 I always thought the formula of conversations was: 

A asks question 

B answers and then asks question 

A answers and asks another question 

Thus, conversation continues 

it sounded like he  answered but didn’t ask a question so doesn’t want to hold the conversation. 

Also I had made comments about the second guy’s profile and he talked about it extensively (three long paragraphs but  Didn’t ask me a question. So it’s just a statement of facts so I assume conversation is over.

 

 I will keep it in mind for next time. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Lookingforlove98

[basil67]

Your description above does not make for a conversation where you can explore a topic at any depth. 

My son's speech therapist teaches "Ask the person a question. When they answer, you ask a follow up question"   Now that is a very basic description for an autistic young man, but in general conversation, you'd explore a topic at reasonable depth before moving onto another topic.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Lookingforlove98 said:

 

Thanks, so you guys really think the first guy expects a response to what he wrote ? It sounded like he was just stating facts and didn’t want to be rude by not answering 

I’m a guy.  I want her to ask questions.  H gave you a natural follow up question vs him spilling everything and writing a book.

 

the second one was a bad day…see what happens.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Lookingforlove98 said:

  I just unmatched him. 

Good call. Texting is not dating.

So after exchanging a few messages the point is to meet.

If someone won't meet in a timely manner it's a red flag 🚩.

Unfortunately there's a lot of timewasters out there looking for chat buddies or bored or whatever.

Have a system. After a couple of messages shift the focus to suggesting a brief low-key coffee meeting. If they stall or decline, move forward.

You handled this well by cutting your losses early on.

[poppyfields]

10 hours ago, Lookingforlove98 said:

I always thought the formula of conversations was: 

A asks question 

B answers and then asks question 

A answers and asks another question 

Thus, conversation continues ..

There is no correct 'formula' for having a conversation, what you posted above sounds very contrived and systematic (to me).  Yawn.

A great conversation is simply two people conversing back and forth, sharing thoughts and ideas and being open.  Spontaneously and naturally. 

As Gaeta said, a question mark is NOT necessarily for two people to have an easy flow of sharing thoughrs and ideas and whatever else!  And there was plenty there for you respond - about being new in town, living in Yosemite.

I'm wondering, if a new girlfriend you met had sent what he sent, would your attitude be the same?  That she didn't ask a question so forget it?  Forget making a new friend because she didn't ask a question back? 

JMO as always, but best to get rid of these contrived arbitrary ideas of what constitutes a 'proper conversation' there is no such thing. 

Be open, share and exchange thoughts and ideas with each other, spontaneously and naturally. 

Relax and make it fun! 

Text a bit, then arrange to meet. 

Has always worked for me anyway, g'luck!

Edited January 16, 2022 by poppyfields

[smackie9]

Guy #2 is a weirdo/downer...like what in that conversation would makes a woman attracted? NOTHING! You shouldn't even have said anything to him...block/delete after a comment like this "He said he’s not very good," ugh! so negative!

Guy #1- don't be waiting on your tuffet and wait. Should have led the conversation into "So what places have you checked out since you have been here?" "Any good places to hangout for a coffee?" That would give him an opening to ask you out. If he don't take the bait, he's a dud, and you move on.

[Lookingforlove98]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Guy #2 is a weirdo/downer...like what in that conversation would makes a woman attracted? NOTHING! You shouldn't even have said anything to him...block/delete after a comment like this "He said he’s not very good," ugh! so negative!

Guy #1- don't be waiting on your tuffet and wait. Should have led the conversation into "So what places have you checked out since you have been here?" "Any good places to hangout for a coffee?" That would give him an opening to ask you out. If he don't take the bait, he's a dud, and you move on.

 

thanks, I listened to the advice  here and continued talking to the first man. Like poppyfields suggested ( thank you) , I asked him where’s he from and how’s he like it here? I also paid him a compliment on his profile about how he seems very rugged and outdoorsy but also he’s cultured and writes and I like that!!  He did respond with a question now he wrote : 

I spent the bulk of the last year working in _______ National Park. It's amazing country but California is not really a great fit for me so I thought I'd try out working a little closer to my roots. (I'm from _____ originally)

Glad you appreciate the dichotomy. A lot of people expect you to fit neatly into one category. I definitely don't. Life has too much to offer to live narrowly imo

What brings you to ____? New job, family, trying out something new? I like it here so far, beautiful hardwood forests and all.

and yeah writing poetry too. Occasionally I write one that's decent 😂”

 

 

Now I’m unsure what to say or how to continue the convo. I think my problem is that I am not good with talking with men under these conditions of online dating. It feels unnatural to me and I am better in person or offline. Online I feel akwaes and clam up and I don’t know what to say, or if anything I should say?  Or if I say too much? . Should I respond with how work and explain what I do for work, but it’s just a boring topic and what question should I ask next? 
 

thanks 

 

Yes , thanks , exactly why I unmatched guy 2, I just don’t want to listen to negativity like that off the bat though I hope he feels better 

 

 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Lookingforlove98

[poppyfields]

Lol, just wanted to say that guy no. 1, if it doesn't work out, toss him my way!  Lol 

What an awesome response!  See what engaging a little bit can do, wow. 

Re how to reply - he gave you plenty to expound on

"What brings you to ____? New job, family, trying out something new? I like it here so far, beautiful hardwood forests and all."

Don't overthink it, answer his questions and let your thoughts flow freely.. 

How would you respond had he asked you these questions in person?    You can write your words the same way. 

Write how you would converse with him in real life.

Have fun with it! 

 

[Lookingforlove98]

8 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Lol, just wanted to say that guy no. 1, if it doesn't work out, toss him my way!  Lol 

What an awesome response!  See what engaging a little bit can do, wow. 

Re how to reply - he gave you plenty to expound on

"What brings you to ____? New job, family, trying out something new? I like it here so far, beautiful hardwood forests and all."

Don't overthink it, answer his questions and let your thoughts flow freely.. 

How would you respond had he asked you these questions in person?    You can write your words the same way. 

Write how you would converse with him in real life.

Have fun with it! 

 

😂😂 thanks it’s hard for me on here ; I feel stuck with all the conversations  but I will try. I love your advice ! 

Edited January 16, 2022 by Lookingforlove98

[Gaeta]

Wow! What a great conversationalist he is! 

Yes questions like what you do for work are boring but necessary. 

[ShyViolet]

For the second guy, I would stop talking to him right away.  He's being all negative and weird and it's just off-putting.

For the first guy, I don't see a problem.  I think you're over-analyzing things a bit and looking for a problem where there is none.  There are lots of ways you could continue the conversation, if you just try.

[smackie9]

Like I mentioned, try and lead the conversation about going to places, leaving him the opportunity to ask you out. Some flirting, friendly banter makes you more approachable than the standard Q and A.

Edited January 16, 2022 by smackie9

[Wiseman2]

Keep the banter to a minimum and move toward suggesting meeting for coffee in person.

Edited January 16, 2022 by Wiseman2

[glows]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Keep the banter to a minimum and move toward suggesting meeting for coffee in person.

Agree. 

[dramafreezone]

I think people do more harm than good assuming interest early on.  There is a minimum amount of interest required to match with you in the first place.

I think that's fine to prioritize your prospects based on who you like and how enthusiastic they are to make a date happen.  But you can't really assume that the guy doesn't like you just because he's not doing backflips right off the bat.  We guys all have lives that existed prior to matching with a woman so we all have stuff in motion that pre-dates matching with you, so any number of factors could be affecting how the guy is showing up at that moment in time.  I think it's a mistake to make a sweeping generalization based on a snapshot. 

If you want to go on a date and he wants to go on a date, make it happen and see how the date goes.

Edited January 16, 2022 by dramafreezone