why her comment hurt

[CosterG10]

Good day lovely people

i posted a couple of months ago about my break up. 

After the break up i tried to "fix" myself , got a better job overseas in November (will move in March) and in December had an amazing trip to Mexico with a friend which helped a lot to clear my mind and stop thinking about her. I kept minimal contact as for one reason or another i couldn't completely cut it as we work together. All interactions were fully professional. 

Anyways last week December we met at work, we had a chat, she said she is feeling very bad and overwhelmed and wants to escape from everything, and just spends time at home doing nothing, and i felt sorry and offered her to go to the cinema. She agreed and looked happy. I explicitly said i don't expect anything and i don't want anything just a friendly invitation. 

Last week (2 weeks later) she came and said we should not go as it is unfair to her partner, there was a long speech of why it is unfair. And that speech triggered me and woke up all my negative emotions again. It was not the cancellation of the movie but the whole fair & partner speech that felt hurtful. Wouldn't it make more sense to say no initially when i offered?

So was it fair to seek my support, use me when needed and instigate conflict when i was not needed? Was it fair to always vent the negativity on me and make me look at fault? Was it fair to never be honest with me and play with my feelings? Wa it fair to bring me up and then smack me down constantly? Why would someone do it especially to a person who was honest, helpful, supportive, tried to make things work. At least be honest and reject me from the beginning. I asked all the above and also what was i to her to treat me the way she did (in a quiet and respectful manner), never got an answer, just "it is complicated." 

My biggest question is why did i get triggered by her "fair" and "partner" speech when i thought that i am over her, and why did i start getting frustrated again about her being with another guy and calling him partner while not answering what i was to her? (i did unfortunately)

If anyone can share an opinion i would be grateful. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, CosterG10 said:

she said she is feeling very bad and overwhelmed and wants to escape from everything, and just spends time at home doing nothing, and i felt sorry and offered her to go to the cinema. She agreed and looked happy. I explicitly said i don't expect anything and i don't want anything just a friendly invitation. 

Last week (2 weeks later) she came and said we should not go as it is unfair to her partner, there was a long speech of why it is unfair.

You dodged a bullet if she is seeking out your support, accepts a date and has a partner. Time to delete and block her. Leave the past in the past.

[glows]

17 minutes ago, CosterG10 said:

Good day lovely people

i posted a couple of months ago about my break up. 

After the break up i tried to "fix" myself , got a better job overseas in November (will move in March) and in December had an amazing trip to Mexico with a friend which helped a lot to clear my mind and stop thinking about her. I kept minimal contact as for one reason or another i couldn't completely cut it as we work together. All interactions were fully professional. 

Anyways last week December we met at work, we had a chat, she said she is feeling very bad and overwhelmed and wants to escape from everything, and just spends time at home doing nothing, and i felt sorry and offered her to go to the cinema. She agreed and looked happy. I explicitly said i don't expect anything and i don't want anything just a friendly invitation. 

Last week (2 weeks later) she came and said we should not go as it is unfair to her partner, there was a long speech of why it is unfair. And that speech triggered me and woke up all my negative emotions again. It was not the cancellation of the movie but the whole fair & partner speech that felt hurtful. Wouldn't it make more sense to say no initially when i offered?

So was it fair to seek my support, use me when needed and instigate conflict when i was not needed? Was it fair to always vent the negativity on me and make me look at fault? Was it fair to never be honest with me and play with my feelings? Wa it fair to bring me up and then smack me down constantly? Why would someone do it especially to a person who was honest, helpful, supportive, tried to make things work. At least be honest and reject me from the beginning. I asked all the above and also what was i to her to treat me the way she did (in a quiet and respectful manner), never got an answer, just "it is complicated." 

My biggest question is why did i get triggered by her "fair" and "partner" speech when i thought that i am over her, and why did i start getting frustrated again about her being with another guy and calling him partner while not answering what i was to her? (i did unfortunately)

If anyone can share an opinion i would be grateful. 

You not over her. Don’t rush it. You sort of tried to be cool and it backfired.

Going to the theatre to watch a movie is something couples usually do and she’s an ex so unless you both are ultra chill and past is in the past this was not appropriate to ask in the first place. You both are just not at that space. 

Don’t attempt to hang out as friends if you’re not actually ok with it. She was venting and I don’t think it was anything personal or directed at you.

It’s good that you were feeling good about your life prior to this incident. Let this go and get back to being grounded.

[ExpatInItaly]

54 minutes ago, CosterG10 said:

My biggest question is why did i get triggered by her "fair" and "partner" speech when i thought that i am over her,

Because you are in fact not over her. And that's okay. Sometimes we don't realize it until something like this happens. 

55 minutes ago, CosterG10 said:

i felt sorry and offered her to go to the cinema.

I don't mean to be unkind, but I can't fathom why you asked her out. This was not a good idea, and while she shouldn't have accepted, you really shouldn't have even asked in the first place. 

In any case, now you know that you cannot be around her and cannot be her friend or offer your support. If she seeks you out again to vent, it's up to you to remove yourself from the situation and shut down the conversation. 

[CosterG10]

Thank you all for your replies. I see that i shouldn't have suggested to go to the cinema, although at the time i told her that it doesn't mean anything nor do i seek anything nor have any back thoughts, we just go as friends. Anyways i shouldn't have done it and i am not here to argue. 

And apparently i am still not completely over her. 

@ExpatInItaly most probably i asked because i am an idiot with a big kind heart and i end up hurting myself (my friends tell me i am too kind for my own good) but lesson learned i agree with you. 

@Wiseman2 yes i did dodge a bullet, and now that the pink-tinted glasses are off, i see it more clear that she didn't bring anything on the table apart from heartache and stress to me

@glows will let it go, and occupy my mind with my relocation and will be grounded. 

Thank you all again for your time and comments   

[Wiseman2]

Just now, CosterG10 said:

@Wiseman2 yes i did dodge a bullet, and now that the pink-tinted glasses are off, i see it more clear that she didn't bring anything on the table apart from heartache and stress to me

Absolutely. Now you have closure. 

[TeddyBundy1993]

That's why it is said run away from your ex as far as you can when you get dumped by them. You were digging your own grave by giving her expression that you will take anything that comes from her. It's sad we do that to ourselves. You got triggered but there are still feelings and you are still recovering. 

It's no shame, it takes times and lot of courage to lift yourself up and move on each and every day, worst with you is that you both still work together 😬. What has happened cannot be changed, you need to continue like before you were doing great no communication with her except professional dealing. If she throws her s*** at you again, get away from there politely. Remember she already has a partner back home, who can support her. You are not needed, I m sorry to say this but that's true. Any such things coming from your ex is momentarily lapse of emotion and she will be back to normal in few times don't give her your shoulder to cry on anymore. Stay how you were, don't be harsh on yourself you got distracted from your way by her games, most of us fell for that trap but now you see what truly happens take it as a lesson and don't fall for it again. 

Wish you speedy recovery mate. I've been there it hurts 💔 but everyday it recovery  and life is not over yet  

[CosterG10]

@TeddyBundy1993 thanks for the kind words. I feel much better and calmer now, occupying my mind with my relocation, which helps tbh. Almost back to my old self although i feel a bit different, although i can't express how and why exactly.  

As you said I was too eager and available for her, and instead of seeing her actions and the patterns i saw what i wanted to see. And the result was that at some point i lost myself, and hurt myself. Unfortunately we do that to ourselves when we like someone and its part of the whole thing called love i think...  

The good thing is that i will be moving overseas in two weeks and most probably will never see her again.

 

[TeddyBundy1993]

19 minutes ago, CosterG10 said:

@TeddyBundy1993 

The good thing is that i will be moving overseas in two weeks and most probably will never see her again.

 

That's the best for you.  New life, new environment new people it what exactly needed right now. She will be a past and distant memory in all this