Divorce Guilt, anyone?

[mycutepup2]

I have been married to a man with strong narcissistic tendencies for 20 years. We dated long distance, I was 26 he was 56. He was charming and very handsome. I fell for his looks but never liked his personality right for the beginning. But I married him anyway and have 2 beautiful children.

He loved me the best he knew but at the same time emotionally and verbally abused me for years. Every argument we had he shared with his step sister.

About 7 months ago, I found out that his step sister whom I always welcomed to my home with open arms and treated her with nothing but love and kindness whenever she visited our home, accused me of being a gold digger and scolded my husband on email for having children with me "You gave her children",  she wrote. I decided to divorce my husband because he felt that his step sister and him were entitle to say, accuse or call me anything they wanted since it was between the two of them. I grew up with different values; my mother taught me to not trash people even if they don't hear me.

I thought I make the right decision for the kids and I but I am feeling very guilty divorcing this 77 year old man. I think my guilt stems from not being able to accept his behavior for 20 years. I keep asking myself, was it because I didn't love him enough to embrace his behavior or was his behavior too unattractive and abusive for me to love him enough to embrace all of him? Is there anyone out there as confused as I am in your abusive relationship?

 

. Is it normal to feel this way when someone is going through a divorce?

 

 

[glows]

There are usually a lot of mixed emotions during separation and divorce.

My only suggestion is to stick with your reasons for divorcing and base your reasons on your future health and peace of mind. If you worried over him forever your life would never change.

There are some days you may feel down and confused. Let it pass. It will go away in time and after the divorce. 

Edited January 16, 2022 by glows

[FMW]

Yes, it's very normal to feel guilt, even if you have good reason to divorce.  Unless you are willing for your life to stay on the same unhappy course, you will unfortunately need to learn to deal with the guilt.  

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, mycutepup2 said:

I decided to divorce my husband. I make the right decision for the kids and I but I am feeling very guilty divorcing this 77 year old man.

Ending a marriage and the headache of divorce is difficult. Have you legally separated yet? Living apart? Are the kids adults?

Guilt may be the wrong word. You're changing the life you knew for 20 years. He'll do fine.

[livingalife2009]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ending a marriage and the headache of divorce is difficult. Have you legally separated yet? Living apart? Are the kids adults?

Guilt may be the wrong word. You're changing the life you knew for 20 years. He'll do fine.

We are still living together but meeting with attorney to start the process. I thought I was doing fine because I plan to continue to treat him kindly even after we divorce but I get so upset whenever he brings up his step sister. I think I have PTSD about her.

[stillafool]

I wouldn't worry about the step sister any more since you're getting divorced.  You won't have to interact with her anymore once you move out.  When do you plan to move out so you're no longer living there?

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, livingalife2009 said:

We are still living together but meeting with attorney to start the process.

You have a very long road ahead. Forget his sister. If you are just angry about her then you'll have to be more serious about why you wish to divorce.

You need to focus on your attorney, finances, getting marital assets dissolved and divided, finding a place to live, etc.

Except for civility relating to your kids sever emotional ties.