Kansasbbq10 Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 (edited) When he first asked me out, he’d already had surgery to remove his cancer & radiation therapy, just a few more chemo rounds to go. I’d spend the night at his place but we only PG-cuddled, barely even kissed- he said he’d lost all sex drive w the cancer but would be ?back to normal soon. In all the times we cuddled, it was obvi he never once even got hard. In the midst of this, he invited me to a monster truck rally w/his son & son’s friend (he’s divorced), it was on New Year’s Day and then I stayed the whole next day, he cooked for us. Then his last chemo started. I visited him almost every single day he was hospitalized, even when I had my daughter (I’m also divorced) & had to get a friend to watch her for an hour. I’d just hold his hand and do whatever he needed. Since he came home from the hospital this last time, he’s been so frail, nauseous, in a fog. Told me he’d snapped at his son and felt bad, and then his son was like “you gonna just go home and lay in bed which is all you ever do?” He’d sleep 12 hours straight when I was over, with night sweats. If I had a bad day at work he would brush me off, not really listen or even say a single empathic thing like “sorry about your day,” but I never once criticized bc I figured I can’t expect anything from someone who’s sick. He’d also routinely disappear for a few days, not even texting me once; again I would never act bothered. After not hearing from him a few days I texted, and we briefly talked about my daughter. I realized I hadn’t asked him to meet her whereas I’d spent a bunch of time w his son already, so I texted “you can totally spend time w her at some point… I’d just want to be able to tell her clearly who you are & not introduce you ambiguously like as a friend.” He completely blew me off!!!! Only after reaching out to him the next day did I finally get an answer (over text, he didn’t return my call): “Think we should just remain friends for right now bc with all that’s happening I don’t think I can’t provide everything necessary for you to be in a relationship right now. That can absolutely change but I think you need more than I can give right now.” I responded “I thought I’d been super giving, not sure why you’d say I ‘need a lot.’ I was happy just to hang out with you, which you clearly wish to discard.” He was like “not true, I’d never discard that, you’re very giving… I’m sorry you’re reacting angrily here, I’m doing my best.” I just replied this really isn’t a convo we should have over text, and that was it. ***?? I never required anything from him. Never even said anything when he didn’t text me once over multiple days. And suddenly it’s too much that I reference meeting my daughter “at some point” when he’s already asked me to hang w his son on multiple occasions?? Just bc I stated my boundaries that I’d want things to be “more than friends” between us before I would introduce my daughter? Edited August 4, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merged threads and updated title Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 (edited) I'm sorry to hear this but I think you should try and be a little more understanding and patient and not take his "blow off" so personally. My brother has cancer and lemmetellya, chemo is HORRIBLE, the worst ever. Nausea, tired, weak, no appetite, depressed. And for a proud man, double that, no triple that! Even after the treatments were over, he felt that way. During his treatments and even afterwards, my brother did not want anyone around him OR even talking to him, including his own wife. She understood he had nothing to give nor did he need anything from her except that she understand and respect his boundaries and that he needed to work through this ON HIS OWN. He would spend days and days in his room, alone, by himself. It was so sad but there was nothing she or anyone could do for him. It was his choice and we all respected that as difficult as it was. I kind of understand because imagine the worst stomach virus you ever had, severe nausea, weakness, throwing up, tired all the time, would you want someone around, let alone someone you just began dating, hanging around during this time? He doesn't need your attention or even your support. He needs you to understand that he has nothing to give right now and not take it so personally or become angry. I realize it's difficult but that's my advice. Respect his boundaries and let him be. Edited January 20, 2022 by poppyfields 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kansasbbq10 Posted January 20, 2022 Author Share Posted January 20, 2022 Thank you, I appreciate that perspective. So is the best thing to do just leave him alone and have no further contact? Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 (edited) 45 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said: Think we should just remain friends for right now bc with all that’s happening I don’t think I can’t provide everything necessary for you to be in a relationship right now. That can absolutely change but I think you need more than I can give right now. Based on this^ comment, yes. Leave him be. Let him know you will be thinking of him, that he will be in your prayers and that should he need anything, even just someone to talk to, to feel free to reach out. I think it's best to not insert yourself into his life. Be honest that is what YOU need, not HIM. Based on how he's feeling and what he's told you, he needs to work through this on his own. Respect that, trust me he WILL appreciate it and when he kicks this monster or goes into remission, there may be a chance for you to have a relationship, just not right now. Again I am so sorry. Edited January 20, 2022 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 I agree you also need to be more understanding here. Definitely. he has cancer. It’s the top of his priorities right now and probably doesn’t want to worry about how he should introduce himself to your daughter or text back on time. Sure, he’s going to be exhausted and sick and stressed out and depressed s s anxious and I think any relationship drama is going to be too much for him right now. Let him take the lead 100%. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 I agree about leaving him alone for now. He has a lot to deal with right now and very little to give. Tell him he can reach out to you any time, but don't wait for him. You haven't known each other during non- cancer times unfortunately so there's no history to fall back on. Be open to meeting and dating others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 1 hour ago, Kansasbbq10 said: Thank you, I appreciate that perspective. So is the best thing to do just leave him alone and have no further contact? You haven’t done anything wrong. I don’t think either of you realized what cancer treatment or chemo would do. He’s being very kind breaking this off. This is your cue to move on. I suggest no further contact on your part and let him be. If he reaches out be supportive and friendly but don’t put your life on hold. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kansasbbq10 Posted January 20, 2022 Author Share Posted January 20, 2022 It was okay for me to spend time with HIS child, hold his hand every night in the hospital, have him kiss and cuddle me but suddenly he can only be friends with me?! He should’ve never started dating me at all and certainly not introduced me to his child if he was just going to pull a bait and switch! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 To be fair, he likely started with the best of intentions and then found that the regular demands of dating were going to be too difficult. That said, I think it was exceptionally early to be meeting children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kansasbbq10 Posted January 20, 2022 Author Share Posted January 20, 2022 1 minute ago, basil67 said:That said, I think it was exceptionally early to be meeting children. I agree, which is why I don’t understand the problem with telling him he could meet my daughter at some point (not “soon” or “tomorrow”), but I’d need for us to be not ambiguous or “just friends” before I did so! Why was blowing me off completely, then saying he can’t meet “all my needs” (again I bent over backwards and never expected anything from him even 1 text every day), a reasonable response? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 (edited) Why do you believe your invitation for him to meet your child is what had him decided to break up? Was there a big fight over it or something? Edited January 20, 2022 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kansasbbq10 Posted January 20, 2022 Author Share Posted January 20, 2022 (edited) 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: Why do you believe your invitation for him to meet your child is what had him decided to break up? Was there a big fight over it or something? No, in fact he hadn’t texted me in 2 days when I brought it up (because that wasn’t abnormal for him, and again I was having no expectations of him given all he’s going through). Last convo/last time seeing each other had both been normal enough. my thought was, if I’m giving to him and getting virtually none of my needs met (he’d barely listen when I’d tell him about something stressful in my workday), then I at least wanted to know we were exclusive / he wasn’t just stringing me along Edited January 20, 2022 by Kansasbbq10 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 25 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said: It was okay for me to spend time with HIS child, hold his hand every night in the hospital, have him kiss and cuddle me but suddenly he can only be friends with me?! He should’ve never started dating me at all and certainly not introduced me to his child if he was just going to pull a bait and switch! That may be true about not dating in the first place if he was ill but loneliness may drive people to do things they ordinarily wouldn’t or maybe he wanted to feel normal again even if he didn’t know what would happen. The same could be said for you. Why did you begin dating or getting so attached to someone battling a life threatening illness? You had a choice too. While you are upset the romance came to an abrupt halt his worries are much different from yours. If you have had a bad day at work, maybe he had a bad day not being able to move. I don’t think he pulled a bait and switch on you or intended to blow you off. I do think he sensed you are on a very different wavelength. You put yourself out there and this didn’t work out. Without illness this happens all the time. Just let this go and find your peace. You were very selfless in your care and time. Perhaps this is also a lesson to be a bit more wary about your own needs while dating and try to be more realistic from the start. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 27 minutes ago, Kansasbbq10 said: my thought was, if I’m giving to him and getting virtually none of my needs met (he’d barely listen when I’d tell him about something stressful in my workday), then I at least wanted to know we were exclusive / he wasn’t just stringing me along You've got it backwards. If you're getting virtually none of your needs met, the answer isn't to make sure you're exclusive. The answer is to find someone who can meet your needs. It sounds to me like this relationship wasn't working for you and he had the foresight to end it. You can do so much better than what you had here. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 32 minutes ago, basil67 said: If you're getting virtually none of your needs met, the answer isn't to make sure you're exclusive. The answer is to find someone who can meet your needs. It sounds to me like this relationship wasn't working for you and he had the foresight to end it. I agree with all of this. He isn't in any place to give himself to a relationship, OP. The man is fighting for his life and I can gurantee he's a lot more worried about his very survival than he's letting on. You would be wise to leave him be, and try not to take all of this so personally. He isn't going be thinking about much other than living to see his son grow up, so you and your needs are going to come well after that. He knows this isn't right and he can't do it. My opinion is that he did the right thing in letting you go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 Yes. Let him focus on his treatment and trying to survive. Date other people. You don't have the compassion or patience for this situation. 4 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 How long have you been dating? Have you been dating or just hanging out? Chemo is not for new relationships or relationships just emerging. My ex had cancer before we got married. It was brutal, but we'd been together for two years. Chemo and the side effects and the pain and agony that others have mentioned--that's not for new couples. That's for longer term couples and even they get ultra stressed and can pay a price. It's not your job to be there for him. Your job is also to be there for yourself and to not assume that visiting him a lot means he should commit more deeply to you. He shouldn't commit out of that reason. In the situation you're in, you go visit because you want to ... or you go visit out of duty and you don't expect romantic payback. You've confused and conflated matter issues here. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 10 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said: It was okay for me to spend time with HIS child, hold his hand every night in the hospital, have him kiss and cuddle me but suddenly he can only be friends with me?! He should’ve never started dating me at all and certainly not introduced me to his child if he was just going to pull a bait and switch! Hold on....no you shouldn't have dated him. The red flags were there. What he kinda expected out of you for someone so new/just met was way too much. Dating should be fun, going out for dinner dates, etc...not holding his hand during treatment, you are not his wife. You have a generous heart that was taken for granted. Next time don't invest, not until he can prove his investment in you. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 11 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said: It was okay for me to spend time with HIS child, hold his hand every night in the hospital, have him kiss and cuddle me but suddenly he can only be friends with me?! He should’ve never started dating me at all and certainly not introduced me to his child if he was just going to pull a bait and switch! Whoa. Unless you've dealt with a cancer (or other serious health condition) diagnosis and treatment, I wouldn't judge someone going through what he is experiencing. This post alone tells me that, even though you might think you were being supporting and thoughtful, whatever you were doing is not what he needs right now. Let him be. He's facing life and death realities right now. Kindly, your ego should be the furthest thing from his mind. 5 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 You say that you weren't asking anything of him and that you were just being supportive. But your actions are NOT that. You are being kind of emotionally demanding towards him now, and you're being incredibly insensitive to the fact that this is a man going through chemo and facing his mortality. He told you that he doesn't have anything to give and can't enter into a relationship with you right now. When you brought up him meeting your daughter and defining the relationship, it was just too much pressure on him. He just can't deal with this right now. It would be nice if you would be understanding about that and stop putting pressure on him. Just leave the man alone and respect his wishes. This is not a normal "breakup", this is a man who is very sick, fighting for his life. You are expecting way too much of him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 I feel it's a little unfair to say OP was being insensitive...I think that glows hit the nail on the head above. Neither of them probably realized at the outset what they were getting into with trying to date under these circumstances. The OP is allowed to have her feelings and needs, and this man is allowed to have his. It turned out to not be a good time to try dating, and he eventually realized that he just wasn't going to be able to be there as a partner. I think he did the right thing to end this and it wasn't about meeting your daughter, OP. He knew that he had periods where he wasn't responding, and he probably felt badly about it, and also unable (physically/mentally/emotionally) to do more. He's already probably feeling a lot of guilt about not having as much time and energy for his son as he'd like (note that harsh remark the son made about him sleeping all day - that's a big piece of the puzzle right there). Nobody's in the wrong here. I'm sure you feel hurt about putting so much effort in and it not working out but it sounds to me like him ending it wasn't personal in the least. He's just fighting for his life, as he should be. I'd just accept that graciously and wish him well from here. You're allowed to want more out of a relationship too; that's not your fault, and it's not his fault that he can't do that for you at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 Helping someone through chemo when you don't have a firm and clear and strong relationship is just not wise practice. Cancer and chemo opens up old pains, fears--brings out our primitive anguish and fear and pain. Unless you're already a serious friend of the person or in a serious committed relationship, you are not in position to handle the fallout of treatment. You don't have enough intimacy and connection to navigate such a difficult passage. Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 (edited) 20 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said: He’d sleep 12 hours straight when I was over, with night sweats. If I had a bad day at work he would brush me off, not really listen or even say a single empathic thing like “sorry about your day,” but I never once criticized bc I figured I can’t expect anything from someone who’s sick. He’d also routinely disappear for a few days, not even texting me once; again I would never act bothered. I hate to pile on but do you know what chemotherapy is? It's pretty much poison that they inject into someone to kill cancer cells. Here is the definition of poison: a substance that through its chemical action usually kills, injures, or impairs an organism. Chemotherapy injures and impairs those that have to take it, that's what it takes to get rid of some cancers, you have to severely harm your own body. When he's on chemotherapy it doesn't matter if you had a bad day at work. You say on the one hand you didn't expect attention but why did you even bring it up in that case? It doesn't matter. In relationships sometimes one has to be stronger for the other, then it swings in the other direction eventually. This is not your tough time, it's his. It is not courageous that you endured a bad day at work or didn't hear from him for a few days. He. Has. Cancer. Edited January 20, 2022 by dramafreezone 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LynneVicious Posted January 21, 2022 Share Posted January 21, 2022 It would be a good time for some self reflection here. I don’t think he’s being an ‘a hole’ for not wanting to further the relationship during his cancer treatment. in fact, it sounds like he absolutely did the right thing by speaking to you about being friends right now. If you do speak to him, please don’t send him negative energy while he’s battling cancer. If you have nothing nice to say to him, say nothing at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Alvi Posted January 21, 2022 Share Posted January 21, 2022 20 hours ago, Kansasbbq10 said: It was okay for me to spend time with HIS child, hold his hand every night in the hospital, have him kiss and cuddle me but suddenly he can only be friends with me?! He should’ve never started dating me at all and certainly not introduced me to his child if he was just going to pull a bait and switch! OK, I am going to look at this from your point of view since you are the one who is posting. I would probably post a completely different reply for his questions. So my focus is on you and your well-being. I hate to ask (please don't throw any rotten tomatoes my way, lol) but how did it come to the point where you were spending so much time with his child? Why would he even introduce some woman, whom he barely started to date, to his son in a first place? Where was his son's mother throughout all this? Where there any family members who could've helped him to go through the chemo and take care of his son? I am surprised he go on a dating site to find a woman in a first place since he is battling with cancer. Sure, he is in no place to date, but how come he never realized that from the get go? Dating or fighting cancer, gee, which ones wins for him? Did he expect you to be his hand holder and a free babysitter through the entire battle? That's a very big shoes to fill for anybody. He needs to rely on his family and friends, not on someone he barely knows. Who is he going to rely on how since he rid of you? A family? A friend? Sorry if I sound insensitive but he wasn't entirely fair to you. I get what you are saying. Do you have a right to be upset? Yes, you do. He did use you as an emotional pillow and discarded you soon after you no longer needed. As soon as you placed some demands, he is poof, gone. I am going to cut him some slack since he is fighting to survive. I don't think he was expecting for a chemo to be that hard, maybe he never meant to lead you on in a first place. But regardless, he did just that. He used your good nature and your nurturing instincts to fit his needs. In conclusion: I believe you placed yourself in a very difficult situation where you had no idea how to deal with. You should have never been there. He should not asked you to be there for him. The two of you have completely different needs right now and cannot relate to each other. You said that he could not have intimacy with you but can't imagine he is in any shape or form to sex you up right now. You are complaining about a bad day at work but he is fighting for his life. He used you as a lifesaver and let you bond with his son but would not meet with your daughter. Perhaps if you were dating for a long while and you knew each other a lot better things would've been different. What can you do? Nothing. Let him know that you will be there for him if he ever needs you and move on with your life. Don't wait for him. Link to post Share on other sites
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