Need some advice on this situation

[glitterbell2999]

So I’ve known this guy through work for about 12 years snd we’ve always been friends and had a good relationship. Bit flirty on both sides but we have both been in relationships so nothing ever happened. Add to that I am 10 years older than him . I left that workplace over a year ago and a few months ago he called me out of the blue and invited me to the Xmas party . I wanted to see all my old colleagues so went along. We spent  the whole night flirting but I told him that nothing would happen as long as we are both in other relationships (we are both unhappy) 
He messaged me the day after asking me to meet up and for the last few weeks we have been messaging and have met up twice . Still nothing else has happened because I don’t want it to until I’ve sorted my side of things ( I had planned to do that anyway before any of this happened ) 
So basically during the last few weeks he’s been telling me how low he is. That’s he’a pretty much in an abusive situation and that talking to me is the only thing making him happy. He convinced me that he wanted to be with me. Initially very cautious I let my guard down and started to discuss potential future plans. I did say several times did he not want to try and make it work at home but he said he was sure . 
Then last week he told me he had the conv at home and was still 100% sure he wanted to do this . 
The day after he had backtracked and was giving it another go try at home as he felt he owed it to his wife and daughter. 
Obviously I have been upset and just can’t get my head around how someone can be 100% sure then not🤷🏼‍♀️
He said he still has very deep feelings for me but he just had to try. 
Throughout all of this he has told me that he is super low and I’ve been supporting him and trying to get him to seek more help. 
Even though I feel really upset snd disappointed at how he has  reeled me in then chucked me out I’ve still told him I’m here for him. And he has said he wants me to be. I feel like I want to be a supportive person in his life as I’ve been through the same sort of struggles that he is going through now . But I’m now wondering if it’s the right thing to do ?
We had a good talk yesterday when he told me he missed me and enjoys talking  to me and that I do make him happy and he was messaging me last night too. Then I woke up this morning and saw that he’s changed his profile pic back to one with his wife on it . He took it off when we were getting close. 
So guys .., tell me you all think about it all cos I’m hella confused. 

[Wiseman2]

52 minutes ago, glitterbell2999 said:

 The day after he had backtracked and was giving it another go try at home as he felt he owed it to his wife and daughter. 

Focus on resolving your bad relationship. No decent men will take you seriously as long as you are in a relationship.

He is not unhappily married. He saw an easy opportunity to cheat but then chickened out.

Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

Stay in touch with former colleagues through LinkedIn. 

[glitterbell2999]

That’s the thing I didn’t even want to get involved with anyone until I had sorted my own situation out . I wasn't looking at all . And even throughout it all I had told him nothing could happen between us until we were out of our relationships. 

But I guess he was saying all the right things snd I was falling for it. 
 

[smackie9]

You got roped in like a lot of people do. The same old song and dance "things are bad at home, etc" That right there is when you stop talking to them. They always go back.. it's as common as air. You were an escape...whether he did it intentionally or not, it's never a good idea to get involved no matter what comes out of their mouth. 

Anywho, cut all contact. Don't talk to him again. 

[vla1120]

Cut your losses and cut all contact with him. He is not available and neither are you. Concentrate on addressing your own relationship situation to your satisfaction. Then, when/if you are free, take some time to concentrate on yourself and figuring out what you want. Nothing good can come from being involved with him. 

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, glitterbell2999 said:

Even though I feel really upset snd disappointed at how he has  reeled me in then chucked me out I’ve still told him I’m here for him. And he has said he wants me to be. I feel like I want to be a supportive person in his life as I’ve been through the same sort of struggles that he is going through now . But I’m now wondering if it’s the right thing to do ?

This right here is a huge mistake.  You're allowing yourself to continue to be strung along, for no good reason.  It's not your job to "support" him through this, you're not his therapist.  You know this is not really about "supporting" him, deep down you want to stay in his life because you have feelings for him.  Well sooner or later you will have to face the reality that those feelings are going nowhere, and there's no point to all this drama.  He is not available.  You need to put an end to this and move on. 

[glows]

10 hours ago, glitterbell2999 said:

I feel like I want to be a supportive person in his life as I’ve been through the same sort of struggles that he is going through now . But I’m now wondering if it’s the right thing to do ?
 

It's not. When the plane is going down put your oxygen mask on first. The plane is going way down. Try to focus on leaving your relationship and getting back on your feet again. Getting involved like this in someone's mental health issues and marriage break down is not a good idea.

[flitzanu]

it's a little misleading to say "we are both in relationships" and then say that he is married.  that's a little different.  and remember if he is willing to have an emotional affair with you and possibly be trying to have a physical affair with you, he could do the same if you got together.

[glitterbell2999]

You’re all absolutely right and I’ve realised that yes I was just holding in to it because I would him otherwise. I’ve not allowed to become physical but yes it’s still wrong and  I’ve always arid I won’t be anyones second choice or secret. So I’m done with it 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, glitterbell2999 said:

I feel like I want to be a supportive person in his life as I’ve been through the same sort of struggles that he is going through now

Or, you are doing the Pick-Me Dance, and hoping you can prove what a great gal you are by being so "supportive."

OP, you have to get real with yourself here. You want him to choose you, of course, and you're looking for a way to demonstrate your value. But you can see that this isn't working. He doesn't need your support and it's quite inappropriate to offer it to him. And in the end, he's chosen his wife. 

It's high time to cut contact. You're already hurting and it's not going to end the way you wanted. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, flitzanu said:

it's a little misleading to say "we are both in relationships" and then say that he is married.  that's a little different.  

 After I saw that this isn't just someone he's in a relationship with but his wife I knew you would lose.  He chose her to marry and start a family with and he's not going to let them go easily.  Well now you know as soon as you find out a guy is married run in the opposite direction.  Did you live with your ex boyfriend and was it an amicable break up?

[glitterbell2999]

50 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 After I saw that this isn't just someone he's in a relationship with but his wife I knew you would lose.  He chose her to marry and start a family with and he's not going to let them go easily.  Well now you know as soon as you find out a guy is married run in the opposite direction.  Did you live with your ex boyfriend and was it an amicable break up?

I’m married snd I’ve not had that conversation yet which is why I didn’t allow anything to happen between us . I said he would have ti wait until we were both free to do that. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, glitterbell2999 said:

You’re all absolutely right and I’ve realised that yes I was just holding in to it because I would him otherwise. I’ve not allowed to become physical but yes it’s still wrong and  I’ve always arid I won’t be anyones second choice or secret. So I’m done with it 

Is there a reason why you haven't ended this unhappy marriage you're in? Ignore anything to do with this other person married to someone else. Whatever he says or does is very small in the face of ending your marriage and doing what you need to do for yourself.

[glitterbell2999]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

Is there a reason why you haven't ended this unhappy marriage you're in? Ignore anything to do with this other person married to someone else. Whatever he says or does is very small in the face of ending your marriage and doing what you need to do for yourself.

Children  and uncertainty about what’s next 😔

[glows]

16 minutes ago, glitterbell2999 said:

Children  and uncertainty about what’s next 😔

I'd seek legal advice in private and do some knowledge gathering for yourself. It's a long road ahead. Don't worry about the other guy.

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, glitterbell2999 said:

Children  and uncertainty about what’s next 😔

So really neither of you are free to make a move.  You can't be upset with him for not doing what you haven't done either.

[glitterbell2999]

Just now, stillafool said:

So really neither of you are free to make a move.  You can't be upset with him for not doing what you haven't done either.

I didn’t make any demands or ask him to make any moves and even suggested he should try to fix it. 
what I’m upset about is that he insisted none of that was what he wanted and he wanted to live with me , was making plans for trips etc and was just selling me this story of a perfect life together . And even though initially I kept brushing him off eventually he got under my skin and yes I was naive enough to believe he was being honest with me as I had completely Been with him about my situation and what lines couldnt be crossed until we were both single.