Should boyfriends have girl best friends?

[Rubyroo345]

I need some more help and advice. So my boyfriend is friends with a girl who he used to like for years.  Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now. When we first got together one of his friends said to me that I would never compare to her and to this day his friends still say to me how in love he was with her to me.

He also always used to talk about her and praised her and we went through a stage where he would just keep talking about her and it made me feel really s*** There has also been a time Ives been sitting next to him and he's facetime her to come to a party and he said to her in front of me it was boring and would be better if she was there. She is the main cause of arguments.

I am a very insecure person so I think that adds to it. The first time I met her she was very rude to me and since then she has always been rude to not just me but my friends too when we see each other. One of my boyfriends friends also told me she doesn't like it when her friends get girlfriends along with some other girls in the group. I sometimes feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend around her. I fully trust him and I have tried to get over the feeling of uncomfortableness and be nice to her to see if she will be nice back but she never is.

I found out today that he didn't just like her but they had a little something and she liked him too although this was quite a few years ago. I was always told he had just liked her and nothing else. He also told her mum how in love with her he was.

I also found some messages when we was on his phone making jokes when we was together asking to go hotel and things. I feel if she was nicer to me it might not be much of a problem There has been one occasion where she has been nice and we was drunk.

Am I just being insecure with this uncomfortable feeling?

Do I have valid reasons to feel the way I feel? Do you think my boyfriend should still speak to her?

Should boys have girl best friends if they have a girlfriend.

In my ideal world he would stop talking to her but I would never tell him not to as I don't wanna control and will never ever be controlling so I just suck it up. I have tried to talk to him about it mutiple times but he thinks I am being irrational. 

Edited January 21, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and merged duplicate threads

[glows]

I don't think it's wrong, per se, but it could be a turn off. Sometimes people just move along and don't feel that attracted anymore when they're around something like this. I would probably wander off and not look back.

Does he still talk about her often and seem to idolize her? Does she have a boyfriend? Why aren't they dating or why is he dating you instead of her? Remember that he is choosing to be with you and if you don't feel that way, then move on. 

Edited January 20, 2022 by glows

[MeadowFlower]

Just in answer to the topic title. No. Absolutely no. Boyfriend's should not have female best friends. 

[Pumpernickel]

How disrespectful of them, especially your boyfriend! He treats you like you’re second best. Next!

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Rubyroo345 said:

He also always used to talk about her and praised her and we went through a stage where he would just keep talking about her and it made me feel really s*** There has also been a time Ives been sitting next to him and he's facetime her to come to a party.

Sorry this is happening. Dump him. He's being disrespectful to you and it's damaging to you.

He has the hots for her and worse, throws it in your face.

When you get rid of this  clown 🤡, you'll be free to find a decent respectful guy who's into you.

[central]

While I generally think that it is great to have opposite sex close friends, they still have to behave appropriately and have clear boundaries.  Your bf does not have such boundaries, so his friend is a detriment to having a good relationship with you.  Since he is unlikely to dump his friend for you (and will resent you if you insist), you need to break up with him.

[smackie9]

proper relationship etiquette, you and them "adjust" how you interaction with opposite sex friends...it's call setting boundaries. It can be done fairly without destroying friendships. Most people do it naturally. This guy, he has a different perspective...it's not a match, move on. 

[mark clemson]

There is no "rule" and couples can have vastly different expectations for their partner and/or boundaries. As a partner you can set or attempt to set whatever boundaries you see fit - whether your partner will accept them or successfully adhere to them (two different things) is of course not guaranteed.

The converse is of course true as well. In your case his very loose boundaries (some might term what he has an "emotional affair") are causing you distress and you seem to be finding them unacceptable. It would make sense to either see if you can rein this in to a point where you feel more comfortable (and that he will accept/also be comfortable with) or. if that isn't possible and as many above seem to be suggesting, consider ending the relationship and move on.

[vla1120]

I do believe anyone can have a best friend of the opposite sex and still be respectful of their significant other's feelings and boundaries. This is not the case in your situation, however. Your boyfriend is disrespectful to you and she is mean to you, meaning she probably has more than friendly feelings for him. He has not set appropriate boundaries for his "friendship" with her. Rather than try to demand he set boundaries and put you first, I would dump him like a hot potato and find someone who is more respectful of you.

Edited January 21, 2022 by vla1120

[dramafreezone]

I think friendships with the opposite sex (or with the same sex if you're homosexual) should fall by the wayside when you begin an exclusive relationship, out of respect for that other person's feelings.  It's only human nature for a BF/GF to get jealous of that best friend at times.  Them keeping that close friendship is a tacit comment that you're not important enough to consider that this may make you uncomfortable.  It's all about what that person wants, to hell with your feelings.  Just don't think it sets a good precedent for a relationship and I personally don't know any lasting happy relationships where a woman has a male best friend or a male has a female best friend.

Edited January 22, 2022 by dramafreezone

[SouthernIslander]

No, you aren’t insecure. This relationship is disrespectful and isn’t platonic.  

[Calmandfocused]

What an awful situation! 
 

Op, why oh why are you dedicated and committed to a man who clearly is in love with someone else? Why are you doing this to yourself? 
 

As hard as this sounds, you need to understand that he is only with you because he cannot be with her for whatever reason. I’m sorry! 
 

I agree with the other posters that he has no respect for the relationship he has with you, and he has no boundaries in the friendship he has with her. 

On the other hand you are failing to assert your boundaries with him. You’re letting him disrespect you. 

In a nutshell he is not treating you well and you are allowing it to happen. 
 

Please think about your own emotional health and extract yourself from this relationship. 
 

There are plenty of men to date who are not in love with someone else. Find one. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

There is no point in talking to him about it to asking him to change.  You cannot change someone else nor should you try to.  The only control you have is your own actions.  You can chose not to accept this behavior and dump him.

‘The question you have to ask yourself is this:  if she were to decide she wanted to be in a relationship with him, would he jump ship with you?

if the answer is yes then why bother living with that uncertainty?  There really is no “future” if you know what I mean.

 

[ShyViolet]

I do think it's possible for a guy to have a female friend and it be totally platonic and innocent.  But your situation is NOT like that... there are so many red flags here.  Your bf is being completely disrespectful to you.  Most people wouldn't put up with this.  It sounds like you have low self-esteem and don't know how to stand up for yourself.  I would dump his ass if I was in this situation.  I would have better things to do than to stay with a guy who makes some other woman a priority and lets HER be rude and disrespectful to me as well.  My goodness, please put an end to this situation.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 1/20/2022 at 2:11 PM, Rubyroo345 said:

I need some more help and advice. So my boyfriend is friends with a girl who he used to like for years.  Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now. When we first got together one of his friends said to me that I would never compare to her and to this day his friends still say to me how in love he was with her to me.

He also always used to talk about her and praised her and we went through a stage where he would just keep talking about her and it made me feel really s*** There has also been a time Ives been sitting next to him and he's facetime her to come to a party and he said to her in front of me it was boring and would be better if she was there. She is the main cause of arguments.

I am a very insecure person so I think that adds to it. The first time I met her she was very rude to me and since then she has always been rude to not just me but my friends too when we see each other. One of my boyfriends friends also told me she doesn't like it when her friends get girlfriends along with some other girls in the group. I sometimes feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend around her. I fully trust him and I have tried to get over the feeling of uncomfortableness and be nice to her to see if she will be nice back but she never is.

I found out today that he didn't just like her but they had a little something and she liked him too although this was quite a few years ago. I was always told he had just liked her and nothing else. He also told her mum how in love with her he was.

I also found some messages when we was on his phone making jokes when we was together asking to go hotel and things. I feel if she was nicer to me it might not be much of a problem There has been one occasion where she has been nice and we was drunk.

Am I just being insecure with this uncomfortable feeling?

Do I have valid reasons to feel the way I feel? Do you think my boyfriend should still speak to her?

Should boys have girl best friends if they have a girlfriend.

In my ideal world he would stop talking to her but I would never tell him not to as I don't wanna control and will never ever be controlling so I just suck it up. I have tried to talk to him about it mutiple times but he thinks I am being irrational. 

Men have zero interest in being mere "friends" with women who those men would not rather be banging.

 

One need only look at Pinterest to figure out as much.

 

 

[kendahke]

On 1/20/2022 at 4:11 PM, Rubyroo345 said:

Should boys have girl best friends if they have a girlfriend.

In the abstract, if they were platonic friends before the girlfriend came along, yes.

Quote

my boyfriend is friends with a girl who he used to like for years.   When we first got together one of his friends said to me that I would never compare to her and to this day his friends still say to me how in love he was with her to me.

Out of the abstract, he has unfinished business with a girl with whom he couldn't get things to work out. What his friend was doing was letting you know that you're a placeholder.

Quote

we went through a stage where he would just keep talking about her and it made me feel really s*** 

Why did you stay with a guy who treated you like this?  You don't think you deserve to be treated better than this?

Quote

Ives been sitting next to him and he's facetime her to come to a party and he said to her in front of me it was boring and would be better if she was there. She is the main cause of arguments.

Actually, the cause of your arguments is him demonstrating to you for a year now that you're a placeholder who doesn't/won't realize that that's all you are to him. She isn't doing any of this--he is.  This is on him.

For me, when he facetimed her to let her know that he'd rather her be at the party than me would have been the last time he saw my face. 

You do know you deserve better treatment than this, right? And that that better treatment isn't going to be coming from him anytime soon.  I don't see any advantage of staying with him... you've already squandered a year of your youth behind him--time you'll never get back.  Don't stick around and wake up at 40 with 3 kids, a mortgage and bills with a live in boyfriend who's checked out completely while still running in behind his friend.

[Dale F]

Since I was in High School, I made sure to have a solid friendship with at least one female. Why? Because I wanted and valued a female's opinion when it came to girls I would or was dating. That has not changed throughout the extent of my life. To this day, there are women I confide in with whom I have nothing more than a platonic friendship with. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.  

[salparadise]

Truly platonic opposite sex friendships are possible, but unlikely. It has to be a situation where there is no sexual or affectionate attraction on either side, or very minimal with strong boundaries being enforced by the one who is not attracted. There usually has to be some common interest as well, other than flirting and so forth. And even when these conditions exist it's not unusual for one or both to catch strong feelings. If you observe these "platonic" relationships what you see is that these friends choose each other based on romantic relationship criteria, and that tells you what the real motivation is.

In your case, people have already told you he's in love with her and that she's had a hold on him for a long time. And he said as much to her mother. This part is crystal clear. He wants a relationship with her, but for some reason she's holding him at arm's length. She probably views herself as being out of his league or something like that. This makes an extremely dysfunctional situation for you. As has been said, there is no point in trying to negotiate this because it's not merely how often he speaks to her –– it's that he's in love with her and using you as stand-in for the girlfriend position. I think you need to end it so you can find someone who feels about you the way he feels about her.

Edited February 14, 2022 by salparadise

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 1/20/2022 at 2:11 PM, Rubyroo345 said:

I need some more help and advice. So my boyfriend is friends with a girl who he used to like for years.  Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year now. When we first got together one of his friends said to me that I would never compare to her and to this day his friends still say to me how in love he was with her to me.

He also always used to talk about her and praised her and we went through a stage where he would just keep talking about her and it made me feel really s*** There has also been a time Ives been sitting next to him and he's facetime her to come to a party and he said to her in front of me it was boring and would be better if she was there. She is the main cause of arguments.

I am a very insecure person so I think that adds to it. The first time I met her she was very rude to me and since then she has always been rude to not just me but my friends too when we see each other. One of my boyfriends friends also told me she doesn't like it when her friends get girlfriends along with some other girls in the group. I sometimes feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend around her. I fully trust him and I have tried to get over the feeling of uncomfortableness and be nice to her to see if she will be nice back but she never is.

I found out today that he didn't just like her but they had a little something and she liked him too although this was quite a few years ago. I was always told he had just liked her and nothing else. He also told her mum how in love with her he was.

I also found some messages when we was on his phone making jokes when we was together asking to go hotel and things. I feel if she was nicer to me it might not be much of a problem There has been one occasion where she has been nice and we was drunk.

Am I just being insecure with this uncomfortable feeling?

Do I have valid reasons to feel the way I feel? Do you think my boyfriend should still speak to her?

Should boys have girl best friends if they have a girlfriend.

In my ideal world he would stop talking to her but I would never tell him not to as I don't wanna control and will never ever be controlling so I just suck it up. I have tried to talk to him about it mutiple times but he thinks I am being irrational. 

Men have zero interest in being mere "friends" with women they would not rather be banging.

 

Just...  make it stop (with her)... or stop (your own relationship) yourself.

 

You're at Nike stage by this point:

"Just DO it"