Is this just casual or does he want more?

[ohjess]

Matched with a guy on bumble and we seem very much into each other. On his profile, it said 'don't know yet' about what he wants, mine said casual. Anyway, we message a lot, he takes a lot of interest in my family/friends, and just things about me/what I'm up to. He often says that we seem quite similar too; almost uncanny how similar we are. We had our first date last week and we both seemed nervous. He said I was the most attractive person there. Used the term 'first date' instead of just hanging out. Ended up sleeping together. Very affectionate and not remotely distant intimate wise, lots of kissing etc. Offered to make me breakfast the next day. Dropped me home. Said he wants to see me again and we could possibly see a movie/picnic. Immediately messaged me after he dropped me home. We then went on our second date last night and did mini golf and I slept back at his and we were our usual, very affectionate and complimentary to each other. This was the second time I briefly said hello to his parents. We've messaged almost every day since and he immediately messages me after our 'dates'. He often sends goodnight messages to me as well. Drops hints about us dating like 'I wouldn't want a guy to do that to a girl I'm dating'. He said he's free this Sunday again and possibly we can go to the beach. Hold each others hands while we drive. Speaks a tiny bit about his ex which ended 6 months ago and claims she's not near my league. Gives me forehead kisses in bed and head rubs. Last night something came up about casual sex and he almost indicated that I was surprised I slept with him on the first date and tiny bit asked if that is something I do often - in a diplomatic way. Something came up about my ex and he said he's glad I'm not with the guy anymore otherwise we wouldn't have met. 

Advice? Is this just strictly casual?

[ExpatInItaly]

There's not quite enough information here to determine if this is casual. 

How long have you been seeing each other? 

[ohjess]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

There's not quite enough information here to determine if this is casual. 

How long have you been seeing each other? 

Been talking for about 3 weeks total now. Met last week and had the second date, last night. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, ohjess said:

Been talking for about 3 weeks total now. Met last week and had the second date, last night. 

It's far too soon to determine if this is just casual, then. 

Wait and see how things go over the next few weeks. Then re-assess. 

[divegrl]

Ambiguity is common in the first couples weeks/months of a new relationship. 
 
It can either cause anxiety or you can look at all the possibilities!

 

Take care. 

[glows]

I’d treat it casually. Do you ask because you’re worried about getting too attached? 

The question you might be asking yourself is “do I want to keep seeing him” or would you enjoy the company of someone else, for ie. It sounds a bit cheesy and a turn off the way he’s comparing you to his ex, leagues or insinuating it’s unusual for people/you in particular to sleep together on the first date. That wouldn’t elicit any deeper affection from me. 

Enjoy his company if you do but I’d date other guys too. 

[ohjess]

1 hour ago, glows said:

I’d treat it casually. Do you ask because you’re worried about getting too attached? 

The question you might be asking yourself is “do I want to keep seeing him” or would you enjoy the company of someone else, for ie. It sounds a bit cheesy and a turn off the way he’s comparing you to his ex, leagues or insinuating it’s unusual for people/you in particular to sleep together on the first date. That wouldn’t elicit any deeper affection from me. 

Enjoy his company if you do but I’d date other guys too. 

Thank you. Do you think the mentioning of the ex is insecurity? Or?

[glows]

9 minutes ago, ohjess said:

Thank you. Do you think the mentioning of the ex is insecurity? Or?

Not really. I just wouldn’t care. Why mention his ex and you in the same sentence.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ohjess said:

. We had our first date last week . . We then went on our second date last night and did mini golf and I slept back at his . He said he's free this Sunday again and possibly we can go to the beach. 

He definitely seems interested, but after just 2 dates it's impossible to tell if it's casual or not.

Just curious why you put "looking for casual" on your dating profile if you would rather not be and prefer dating that leads to relationships?

As long as he's asking you out he's interested. Does he live with his parents? Try some dates that don't end up sleeping over. 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, ohjess said:

Is this just strictly casual?

I guess yes, as you are the one who defined the terms from the off.

He may have ambitions for the two of you or maybe he just wants the sex to keep coming his way.
Hard to say.
Sometimes men will do the whole "bf experience" even with casual and fwbs as they enjoy it, but do they care, do they want "more"? 
No they just want to keep  it NSA. 
Women love affection and romance, men know that so some learn to exploit it to get what they want.

By placing yourself in the casual box you probably killed any chance to make this long term.
Once put in the casual box, women rarely leave it, even in 2022.
Now he is looking at you with more critical eyes - "casual" and  first date sex has set him thinking.
So he is now asking himself are you "easy"? Do you sleep around? Can he trust you? Are you even relationship material? 
 

[glows]

It’s too passive wondering whether this is casual for him. If you’re interested in dating exclusively mention it or see what he thinks. 

You don’t have to pigeonhole yourself into a casual status or try to read tea leaves into what he’s thinking or feeling. 

What’s more important is figuring out whether he’s for you or your cup of tea. 

[TarePanda1991]

He wants more.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, ohjess said:

Thank you. Do you think the mentioning of the ex is insecurity? Or?

Mentioning ex is part of lif story.  Don’t know your ages and was this ex just a gf or was it serious/ live together/ engaged/ married

don’t turn this into a booty call.

 

[Pumpernickel]

9 hours ago, ohjess said:

I briefly said hello to his parents

I am wondering why you mentioned this. If he still lives with them (because he's young or broke or whatever), then yes – you'll inevitably run into them at some point. Doesn't say anything about his interest level, unless he introduced you guys somewhat formally. 

Generally speaking, after reading your OP, my opinion is that he is def. interested. It's you who put "casual" on your profile, not him – so what are you worried about?

(But either way – the way you describe him sounds lovely. Caring, interested, dependable, just sweet.) 

Edited January 21, 2022 by Pumpernickel

[poppyfields]

2 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

...the way you describe him sounds lovely. Caring, interested, dependable, just sweet..

^^My take as well.   If it doesn't work out, send him my way! Lol

Just teasing, he definitely seems interested.

My advice?   Let go of labels, stop overthinking it and enjoy the process, the journey. 

Continue dating and getting to know each other, let it take you wherever it's meant to go. 

Relax and enjoy! 😂

[ccas93]

hmmmmm I don't know, coming from a young man myself here, sounds like he likes you a lot already and is interested in something more than just casual. 

[smackie9]

Ask him?

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Ask him?

Agree. and would add, well what do you want? That's really the most important component. It might be too early to tell--such as if you really thought you wanted casual and now are having a good time where maybe you want more.  Maybe be open to possibility of a relationship if you are open to that. And then talk to him. 

It does seem like he is interested in more based on what you said here. Don't get caught up in that though. Most important is to figure out what you want.

[ohjess]

6 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

Agree. and would add, well what do you want? That's really the most important component. It might be too early to tell--such as if you really thought you wanted casual and now are having a good time where maybe you want more.  Maybe be open to possibility of a relationship if you are open to that. And then talk to him. 

It does seem like he is interested in more based on what you said here. Don't get caught up in that though. Most important is to figure out what you want.

Thank you! I think I am starting to like him as well, probably want to see where things go and asses from there. However, I noticed and I shouldn’t probably be looking that he followed his ex on Instagram, I think today? He sent me a message a week or so again claiming that he was angry as he found out she may have cheated and called her boring and bad in bed. They owned a house together. When I saw him yesterday, he said he caught up with her and everything turned out ok. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ohjess said:

, he said he caught up with her and everything turned out ok. 

Red flags that he's still talking to and meeting up with her. Also he's trashing her yet stays friends on social media.

Slow your roll and observe. It's just 2 dates.

[ohjess]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Red flags that he's still talking to and meeting up with her. Also he's trashing her yet stays friends on social media.

Slow your roll and observe. It's just 2 dates.

Thanks! Do you suggest I say anything? In regards to the ex and also what he's looking for? Or just sit back and observe?

Edited January 22, 2022 by ohjess

[ohjess]

Also - I don't feel I've been unnaturally trying to move this fast. For example, he sent me another follow up message asking about my day. 

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, ohjess said:

 I don't feel I've been unnaturally trying to move this fast. 

It's 2 dates. Just relax. He's asking you out and seems interested. Beware that he's on the rebound and still talking to and meeting up with his last GF. 

They had a house together. You had 2 dates so it's possible he's trying to reconcile. Slow your roll and stay in control.

[Versacehottie]

13 hours ago, ohjess said:

Thank you! I think I am starting to like him as well, probably want to see where things go and asses from there. However, I noticed and I shouldn’t probably be looking that he followed his ex on Instagram, I think today? He sent me a message a week or so again claiming that he was angry as he found out she may have cheated and called her boring and bad in bed. They owned a house together. When I saw him yesterday, he said he caught up with her and everything turned out ok. 

You're welcome 😊 ok, first don't IG stalk him.  If you already follow each other it's hard to help but maybe put him on mute. The thing is you wouldn't want it to influence each and every decision you make and it will.  Gotta just stay in tune with what you want and be honest with yourself, vs compromising because you know what he's up to or strategizing based on all that. There would be too many assumptions once you start doing that and likely resentment and anger built up and your interactions and thoughts will be influenced by all those things other than just real things. Not to mention some of the the things you deduce from what you see on social media may be wrong.  Like for example, right now if he canceled a date on you but you already know he followed his ex on IG, you will assume they are probably meeting up. Which might not be true at all. So then your mind is going to concentrate on all of that assumption and your associated resentment instead of--if you didn't know what's going on IG--- asking why he is canceling and seeing if you yourself find that you can trust him etc. Look you met him on tinder or another app where you both said you were looking for casual...no matter whom he is talking to, assume he is talking to other people!  I think if you were getting to the stage where your feelings have changes then just speak up and let him know. Not explaining it well because I'm tired but yeah social media stalking is death of many a relationship. It will suddenly make you insecure and doubt and plot your moves. What you need to do is be true to yourself.  In a way, it's like by looking you make his moves in life more important than your own. Focus on yourself and proactively decided what you want.

Secondly, hmmm that said, you have every right to deal with the information he BRINGS to you. I wouldn't be happy if he is talking to me (if I was in your shoes) about his ex and angry about something she did, including what thing that was (cheating and name calling). To me, all that says is that he is still very much invested in her and a bit dismissive of you or not caring much about where things are going with you, so much so that he is not worried that telling you this stuff will have you leaving, moving on or upset you. He doesn't sound healed at all. You can't really change this IMO. He either is healed and open for a relationship or not.  I think you can bring it up. Just be careful to speak about it from the perspective of YOU. Not like you are trying to control him or asking for relationship privileges that have really not been agreed to--after all you both said "casual".  That said, you shouldn't stand for disrespect, nor do you want to be the receptacle for his dilemmas about his ex! And if he's talking about it as he did, he's not over it...it's something that he is churning in his head. You can't let him lean on you or use you as a rebound (or maybe even to make her jealous). Like any good conflict discussion, don't get angry or naggy, just tell him what's on your mind. Something to the effect of that you don't like hearing about ex drama, makes you feel xyz way and not respectful of you etc. Definitely say something. I don't have the perfect words but it can be figured out. You need to figure out what's in your head though and how it makes you feel. That's why you are posting right? You are conflicted about it in some way.  Right now you are giving us plot details and if you access your feelings you should be able to craft something to start a discussion with him.

thirdly, um yeah you might want to consider in the future if you really want casual or not. Or whether or not to put it on your profile. I'd rather you'd leave it blank than say you want casual. There are definitely relationships that work out starting this way but a lot of times you will be facing an uphill battle---like if a person uses you as an in-between person. I think if you mentality is like a lot of guys where people say casual but they really mean "i'm open to seeing where it goes"...implied if I really like you, I'll probably want a relationship, then definitely do not write casual. Ok, good luck 😊

[Allupinnit]

You state in your profile that you want casual, you're having sex with him before developing any sort of read on compatibility, and now you're asking if HE wants more?  

This tells me that because you're having sex with him, as with what happens to the vast majority of women, you're *hoping* that he takes the lead on turning this into a r'ship.  Otherwise you wouldn't be trying to read into everything he says and does.

Be consistent about what it is you really want.  I foolishly dated a man who actually told me he wanted a casual thing, the sex was amazing, I secretly was gunning to be his girlfriend, and it catastrophically blew up in my face.  And he acted EVERY BIT the boyfriend, up to and including fixing things around the house and holding my hand in the car and everywhere else.  I agree with @elaine567 - they can be VERY good at being in the moment with you and acting the part.  

I don't like that it seems he's harboring ill feelings and keeping communication with his ex.  He may be on the rebound and saw that you wanted casual so all systems go.

I would talk to him.