Maclu Posted January 22, 2022 Share Posted January 22, 2022 (edited) I’ve been sleeping with someone who is in a long term relationship for over a year. This happens every month or so, not regular. He chased me, I eventually gave in. Its now me messaging him to see if he is about, it’s an odd set up. Sometimes I message and he reply’s initially then stops, other times we talk back and forth all day. I cannot let this go though, I know I shouldn’t do it. I know deep down he isn’t that bothered, so why can’t I walk away?? Why do I still crave him? Sometimes I look at him and I don’t see what I’m attracted to. Is it the excitement that we initially had, the secret looks, the attention, the thrill?? I think, why me? Why does he still see me? Because he can? He doesn’t chase me anymore, he got what he wanted, so why still see me? Why do I allow it? I sleep with other people, always have done since the beginning of whatever you would call this. So I question why I still bother, I can’t get my head around it. I can go weeks without talking to him sometimes and I don’t care, maybe it is out of sight out of mind. Then I see him and boom, there’s a huge sexual attraction between us. I just cannot let go and I want to. This literally sounds like a bunch of words and probably doesn’t makes sense. But sometimes you need a strangers perspective, realistic opinions. So that’s why I am here. My head is confused and I need to make sense. I need advice Edited January 22, 2022 by Maclu Spelling Link to post Share on other sites
ClearEyes-FullHeart Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 (edited) My advice is to cut all ties, block him everywhere and seek therapy to understand why you put yourself in this position. Why did you settle for a liar and a cheat, sneaking around and all that nonsense? Don’t grovel for crumbs and be an active and willing participant in a morally bankrupt situation (regardless of what he has said about his relationship and all the issues). If he was an upstanding person, he would not have pursued you (or others) while in a committed relationship. He may have chased you initially but you made choices to engage with him, knowing he is a liar and a cheat. You need to own that. Beyond the harm you are causing to yourself, you are contributing to a chain of pain and misery (harm to the other party, etc.). I think you should be grateful he’s pulling back so that you don’t end up wasting 5, 7, 10 years in an affair like others have written on the forum. I’ve never been in an affair - ever since I was young, as far back as I can remember, living with honesty and integrity has always been my priority. (I am no saint but cheaters and I do not mix!) I really hope you can seek out a qualified therapist to help you learn how to have more respect for yourself and to identify what the underlying issues are that led you here. I don’t think you are a bad person at all (and he’s the one cheating not you). But I do feel it’s a damaging and very bad choice you made, and it saddens me that you are struggling over some guy who is just not worthy of you. (apologies for any typos as on a device) Edited January 23, 2022 by ClearEyes-FullHeart Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 Do you work with him? Do you have to see him daily? You should avoid him, stop contacting him and if he contacts you or seeks you out, tell him to leave you alone. He (a cheater) used you and discarded you. Don't let him have the satisfaction of thinking you want him. Think better of yourself because you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 12 hours ago, Maclu said: II can go weeks without talking to him sometimes and I don’t care, maybe it is out of sight out of mind. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. That's why you're chasing him and having casual hookups. If and when you want someone in your life, you'll seek that out and this situation will become boring and unnecessary. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men for a low-key coffee ☕. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. After all, you can go weeks without contact, so it won't be that difficult. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 What a waste of time and energy - As was said above, unavailable people chose other unavailable people and unhealthy relationships for themselves. Why are you doing this? What has happened in your life that has brought you to the place where this is what you chose for yourself? What do you need to heal in your life in order to actually have a more fulfilling and joyous life? Because, this sounds terribly depressing… 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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