Relationship children after infidelity

[Snakesalive]

I had an affair that I deeply regret . My husband knows about it , we separated but reconciled and have been together for over a year . We have both had counselling and Are in a good place . I would appreciate thoughts on people who have been in this situation and are struggle to repair relationships with grown up  children. 
I have apologised and  answered questions as honestly as I can about what happened abs why but one of my children is very angry and I’m struggling to work out how I can deal with this  . They are not only angry with me but with my husband for taking the decision to reconcile. 
 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How old are they? Unfortunately they will have their feelings about it. All you can do is not convince them of anything and let them think and feel whatever they think and feel.

[Snakesalive]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old are they? Unfortunately they will have their feelings about it. All you can do is not convince them of anything and let them think and feel whatever they think and feel.

One of my children are fine-they are 32  -we’ve talked a lot and have good communication generally . The other who is 27 is very hostile . We’ve always had a strained relationship so I guess that factors in there, thanks for your reply 

[glows]

Your children (or other family members) may have reservations because they don’t want to see you both hurt and have their own unresolved anger issues or failed expectations when it comes to their parents. They are more than adult enough to seek counselling also and live their best life.

What other issues might there be with the 27 year old? You may not be able to change the way he/she feels but you can learn to deal with your child’s decisions or views which differ from yours. What makes you say that the 27 year old is hostile? Are you sure you’re not overreading into this and still feeling your own guilt?

[Snakesalive]

21 minutes ago, glows said:

hat other issues might there be with the 27 year old? You may not be able to change the way he/she feels but you can learn to deal with your child’s decisions or views which differ from yours. What makes you say that the 27 year old is hostile? Are you sure you’re not overreading into this and still feeling your own guilt?

I am still feeling my own guilt that’s for sure and I have reflected on over reading things . One of the things I have learned is to focus on actions - my 27 year old has said they don t want to talk to me , but on occasions when we’ve had to correspond ( illness) their actions abs behaviour I would describe as hostile . I get it  -I understand  the hurt the sense of disappointment, I’ve let them down hugely -I get it . I take responsibility for my actions and have said this and apologised multiple times . I hope we can commit to at least trying to rebuild our relationship a step at a time and as long as it takes . I worry that the bitterness they feel is impacting their own relationships and that makes me really sad and not to make it about me but it does compound my guilt but that something I am dealing with in therapy and with my husband 

 

 

[glows]

20 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

I am still feeling my own guilt that’s for sure and I have reflected on over reading things . One of the things I have learned is to focus on actions - my 27 year old has said they don t want to talk to me , but on occasions when we’ve had to correspond ( illness) their actions abs behaviour I would describe as hostile . I get it  -I understand  the hurt the sense of disappointment, I’ve let them down hugely -I get it . I take responsibility for my actions and have said this and apologised multiple times . I hope we can commit to at least trying to rebuild our relationship a step at a time and as long as it takes . I worry that the bitterness they feel is impacting their own relationships and that makes me really sad and not to make it about me but it does compound my guilt but that something I am dealing with in therapy and with my husband 

 

 

You seem very self-aware. Your child might be feeling very resentful because s/he doesn’t feel like s/he owes you anything. Apologizing only goes so far. Repetitively doing so begins to sound like a mockery or trite. Not sure who was ill (was it you or someone else?) but let them process in time.

I’m sure your child can sense that you want more of a relationship but putting pressure for it won’t help. It creates more suspicions and unfortunately you’ve had the affair in the past which might cause your child to question whether any of this is sincere. Again it’s you wanting something of them. I understand it’s very hard on top of realizing they’re adults and they do not need you. 

Your reading of how your child is affected in other relationships is your take. I’d hold on the judgment there and not impose your views. It can seem hypocritical. Let him/her come to you.

Keep working on committing to your husband. I would not ask for any commitment from the kids. They don’t owe you anything in reality. If they want to share their lives with you they might but the handholding part and child rearing is essentially over. 

Give both of them room to be the adults you raised them to be. Keep telling them you love them not that you are sorry. You’re still their parent so let them know you are there for them. 

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by glows

[Snakesalive]

On 1/23/2022 at 3:39 PM, glows said:

You seem very self-aware. Your child might be feeling very resentful because s/he doesn’t feel like s/he owes you anything. Apologizing only goes so far. Repetitively doing so begins to sound like a mockery or trite. Not sure who was ill (was it you or someone else?) but let them process in time.

I’m sure your child can sense that you want more of a relationship but putting pressure for it won’t help. It creates more suspicions and unfortunately you’ve had the affair in the past which might cause your child to question whether any of this is sincere. Again it’s you wanting something of them. I understand it’s very hard on top of realizing they’re adults and they do not need you. 

Your reading of how your child is affected in other relationships is your take. I’d hold on the judgment there and not impose your views. It can seem hypocritical. Let him/her come to you.

Keep working on committing to your husband. I would not ask for any commitment from the kids. They don’t owe you anything in reality. If they want to share their lives with you they might but the handholding part and child rearing is essentially over. 

Give both of them room to be the adults you raised them to be. Keep telling them you love them not that you are sorry. You’re still their parent so let them know you are there for them. 

 

I’ve reached out so many times , my child lives a long way from me . They are coming to visit family and were  planning to  stay with us . She’s made it very clear how she feels about me -I’ve offered to have three way therapy so we can talk about how she feels but she is closed off to that option. -as is her right I guess. I don’t know what else I can fo right now 

[mark clemson]

There are those in the world who feel affairs are a huge moral outrage and those who don't. If your relationship with your daughter was already on shaky ground, this no doubt didn't help.

In the short term there may be little you can do except accept her dislike for you and respect it by keeping your distance unless asked. No doubt that is a lot easier said than done with a child; however as you no doubt know it really doesn't improve things to attempt to "force one's own presence" onto someone who doesn't appreciate it.

People slowly (and sometimes quickly) change over time and it's possible (but by no means guaranteed) that she'll have a change of heart WRT you (and/or affairs) one day. You can hold out hope for this, but unfortunately you certainly can't count on it.

It is possible to influence the path of someone's "changes" as they go through life, but this takes sustained effort and subtlety and you must "have their ear" so to speak (which you do not). So, the only way you could attempt this would be through a trusted agent (such as your husband or another child, perhaps). However this is NOT an easy thing to do, there is a risk of "backfiring" and even IF it's done well there is no guarantee that a person can be influenced "successfully". So, I would think long and hard IF you decide it's worth it to you to attempt, and who among her circle (if anyone) might actually be able to attempt this on your behalf.

Edited January 26, 2022 by mark clemson

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

 -I’ve offered to have three way therapy so we can talk about how she feels but she is closed off to that option.

Relax and let her feel how she feels. It's making you uncomfortable because it's been a strained relationship and this amplifies it.

Step back and let her be whatever and whoever she wants. Don't suggest therapy or keep seeking approval.

 

[Snakesalive]

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Relax and let her feel how she feels. It's making you uncomfortable because it's been a strained relationship and this amplifies it.

Step back and let her be whatever and whoever she wants. Don't suggest therapy or keep seeking approval.

 

I had a conversation with her yesterday -she’s hurt and  very angry -I get it . I’ve left the door open but I’m stepping back . My husband told her lots of detail at the time about the affair which he now regrets -intimate stuff that your kids don’t need to be exposed to which I guess doesn’t help in the scheme of things . Not blaming him -he was understandably angry and lashing out -again -I get it . 
The past is the past -we’ve learned lots and moving forward , thanks for your reply 

Edited January 27, 2022 by Snakesalive

[salparadise]

13 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

My husband told her lots of detail at the time about the affair which he now regrets -intimate stuff that your kids don’t need to be exposed to which I guess doesn’t help in the scheme of things

I don't understand how people can be so short-sighted. The affair was an issue between you and he, not you and the children. In telling all of this to the children he not only alienated you, he robbed them of their other parent relationship, which harms them as much as it does you, maybe more. Him being hurt doesn't excuse that. Some children will get that it wasn't about them, and some just can't move beyond it. 

My brother went through a divorce nearly 20 years ago and his wife did parental alienation [syndrome]. In her case it was all lies. She has some kind of mental illness. The children were young and she made them choose. It was the worst case of PAS I've ever known or read about. Now that the kids are late 20s to mid 30s, two of the three have realized it was manipulation and finally reached out to him after all of those missed years. The third (oldest) still aligns with their mother, although I'm sure he knows. All my brother could do was to continually let them know that he loved them and keep reaching out without being too pushy. He sent birthday cards and gifts and attended their school concerts and events. But it's not like those relationships will ever be the same, or the time ever recaptured.

The ball is in your daughter's court. All you can do is express your caring and dedication in a non-intrusive way and wait for her to come to the realization. Hopefully she will eventually, and if not at least it won't be for lack of sincerity on your part. Good luck.

[S2B]

14 hours ago, Snakesalive said:

I had a conversation with her yesterday -she’s hurt and  very angry -I get it . I’ve left the door open but I’m stepping back . My husband told her lots of detail at the time about the affair which he now regrets -intimate stuff that your kids don’t need to be exposed to which I guess doesn’t help in the scheme of things . Not blaming him -he was understandably angry and lashing out -again -I get it . 
The past is the past -we’ve learned lots and moving forward , thanks for your reply 

The past is NOT the past. The past affects “the now”. 
you can’t do anything to make it different. The adult child deserves to feel whatever they feel.

affairs ruin so many relationships. You may not be able to make improvements - so let it be what it is. That’s called respect.

[Snakesalive]

9 hours ago, salparadise said:

I don't understand how people can be so short-sighted. The affair was an issue between you and he, not you and the children. In telling all of this to the children he not only alienated you, he robbed them of their other parent relationship, which harms them as much as it does you, maybe more. Him being hurt doesn't excuse that. Some children will get that it wasn't about them, and some just can't move beyond it. 

My brother went through a divorce nearly 20 years ago and his wife did parental alienation [syndrome]. In her case it was all lies. She has some kind of mental illness. The children were young and she made them choose. It was the worst case of PAS I've ever known or read about. Now that the kids are late 20s to mid 30s, two of the three have realized it was manipulation and finally reached out to him after all of those missed years. The third (oldest) still aligns with their mother, although I'm sure he knows. All my brother could do was to continually let them know that he loved them and keep reaching out without being too pushy. He sent birthday cards and gifts and attended their school concerts and events. But it's not like those relationships will ever be the same, or the time ever recaptured.

The ball is in your daughter's court. All you can do is express your caring and dedication in a non-intrusive way and wait for her to come to the realization. Hopefully she will eventually, and if not at least it won't be for lack of sincerity on your part. Good luck.

Thankyou so much for such an authentic and helpful post I appreciate it so much . Thankyou also for  sharing your brothers story .  Life is full of lessons isn’t it and we learn them everyday . Im grateful that my daughter is still in my life and as you rightly said I will do what I can which is to continue to live and support her as much as she will let me the rest is up to her and contrary to what another poster has said I do respect her choice. Thankyou again 
 

[spiritedaway2003]

[ ] 

OP, sometimes relationships can be repaired, other times the resentment runs so deep that it’s beyond repair.  It really depends on the affected individual.  I echo salparadise advice.  The ball is in your daughter’s court.  She can feel what she feels (angry or hurt) just like you can  feel hurt or disappointed by her distance. If she needs or is asking for space, honor that request. If she is open to it, reach out in non-intrusive ways to express your care. When she is ready you will know. Trust that you raised her to be the adult that she is, and that includes her ability to assert her own needs.

It can be terribly hard when you are missing out on child’s life even if they are adult now. Continue to work through those feelings in your own IC.  Be there for her but don’t force her to talk about things if she’s not ready to.  There are consequences to our choices, and this applies both ways.  Just as you are dealing and living with the consequences of your choices, she might come to realize some day that while she can resent you for causing the hurt, she cannot blame you for her choice to keep her distance.  The only thing you can do is to show your care and hope that  someday, she realizes your sincerity in both words and consistent actions and has that avenue to reach out if/when she is ready.  Keep the faith.

Edited January 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
debating

[Wiseman2]

Let your daughter be upset. It's ok. Your vindictive husband was a jerk to drag your adult children through this.

The real problem is still your poor marriage.

[stillafool]

On 1/25/2022 at 6:06 PM, Snakesalive said:

I’ve reached out so many times , my child lives a long way from me . They are coming to visit family and were  planning to  stay with us . She’s made it very clear how she feels about me -I’ve offered to have three way therapy so we can talk about how she feels but she is closed off to that option. -as is her right I guess. I don’t know what else I can fo right now 

Sorry this is happening to you but I would suggest to just pull back and not pressure her to talk.  Just let her come to you with questions when ready.  When she does want to talk tell her that your affair had nothing to do with your love for her and her sibling but was due to issues which you handled wrongly between her Dad and you.  Tell her you will regret that mistake for the rest of your life and you hope in time she will forgive you.  Then leave it alone.  What else can you do?

Edited January 28, 2022 by stillafool

[Lisa]

Thread closed at OP's request