Affair - feelings for both

[So_very_confused]

I never ever thought I would be here. I know everyone will hate me for this post and I don’t deserve help but I don’t know what else to do.

I’m 27, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years. A friend of ours started flirting with me pretty heavily last year, we started talking quite a lot, I told him to stop but I also kind of craved talking to him. I tried so hard to stay away from him but situations kept pushing us together and the chemistry between us is electric like nothing I’ve ever felt before in my life. Eventually, things escalated. He asked me to come round his, so I did. We had both been drinking the night before and my head wasn’t on straight, not an excuse I know I’m awful. We had sex and cuddled for a while and fell asleep. That evening we both started to feel the guilt and he couldn’t really look at me I felt things were off and I didn’t want to leave for fear that he would never speak to me again. He’s very attractive and I feel like hes good at fooling people, I think he could get a lot of girls and I’ve been told he doesn’t really do girlfriends. He drove me home and then the next day 2 things happened - my guilt hit me like a TON of bricks and I was utterly shattered by what I had done. He also messaged me and said it was a mistake and shouldn’t have happened. I felt so crushed by what I’d done and what an idiot I’d been and how I could do that to my boyfriend who I really do love very very much. I know no one will believe me when I say I love him, but he is everything to me. So how could I do this?? I felt like such an idiot and it hurt because I do have feelings for the other guy too. My relationship isn’t the best In several ways, he drinks every day and often forgets time we’ve spent together from being drunk but our love for each other is like nothing I’ve ever had and he’s very very good to me. Although he always thinks he’s not enough for me he’s the better one  He makes me feel whole and I can’t imagine my life without him. I told the other guy not to message me again and tried to erase it all from my head. I went to an extremely bad place for a couple of months, got signed off work for crying nonstop, stopped eating, lost a lot of weight, made myself very ill. I know I deserved it I don’t want any sympathy I’m just trying to say I really did feel guilty to my core. I didn’t think it was fair to inflict this pain upon my boyfriend and for the first time in my life I realised I knew what real love was as I always feared I didn’t know how to love. But at the thought of losing him I realised how strong it was  I vowed to devote everything to him and never ever be so stupid again in my whole life. 
 

several months later and finally starting to recover from it, the guy messages me. He asks how I am and do I want to go for a drink. I said no way, but he started flirting with me again.. I can’t seem to think straight when it comes to him, for some reason the feelings I have for him are very strong. Enough that I would be so self destructive. I go round his again and say nothing is happening I just want talk like the friends we used to be. We listen to music and have some drinks and he explained he didn’t mean his message about the mistake how I had interpreted it. That he panicked because I was in a relationship and what were we supposed to do? I joked about him blanking me and not talking to me after like I knew he would, and he said he didn’t message me because I asked him not to.. and he didn’t want me to think of him that way. I don’t know that I believe him. He’s really hard to read. I’m kind sure I’m right about him and I’m just falling for his lies.. but also after last night I feel like I could be wrong? There is a lot of good in him, I don’t know. I said it was all just a game to him and he said it’s not, that he does like me but what can we do? I don’t know what to think. I don’t know who I want or what to do. We had a really long talk last night about everything - our lives, past, feelings, I really enjoy his company and I found out a lot about him and it’s really made me see him in a different light. Anyway we slept together so maybe he was just after that.. I don’t know. He was worried about me the next day when he could see me struggling with the guilt and tried to help but didn’t know how and he apologised saying he shouldn’t have messaged me. He was also offended someone had said he doesn’t do relationships and said he was put off from his last one which ended really badly. He said he just hadn’t met the right girl yet… I also know we both feel very alone. 

is all of this for nothing am I just messing everything up with everyone? I know I’m not going to be able to live with this guilt again when it hits as hard as it did last time so i guess I want advice while I can still ask…

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, So_very_confused said:

My relationship isn’t the best In several ways, he drinks every day and often forgets time we’ve spent together from being drunk. I go round his again and say nothing is happening I just want talk like the friends we used to be.

The main issue is being with a problem drinker. This man fills the voids left from that. 

There's support groups for people stuck in situations with problem drinkers.

See if these questions answer some of your questions.:

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[So_very_confused]

My answer was yes to almost all of those  but I don’t feel he’s a bad alcoholic… he is very good to me and I’m the one in the wrong  but yes this guy does fill the voids… I want to be with him but I don’t think he wants to be with me. I feel awful for even thinking it 

[So_very_confused]

I just don’t feel it’s fair of me to use that as an excuse or in any way try to improve him when I’ve done something so terrible   I can never tell him because I can’t bear to give him the pain I’ve given myself. 
 

there are certain things I crave from this other guy though. The ability to just talk, not have to be blind drunk all the time and I feel he does care about me, even just a little bit. We both said the connection was out of this world and he worried when I told him I was on my antidepressants and told me not to drink with them.. although my boyfriend encourages it, he’s not a bad person he just doesn’t think there’s any risk 

[Bryanp]

How would you feel if your boyfriend was having sex with a very attractive woman behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's as you are doing to him? A person's actions define who they are.

[So_very_confused]

15 minutes ago, Bryanp said:

How would you feel if your boyfriend was having sex with a very attractive woman behind your back and putting your health at risk for STD's as you are doing to him? A person's actions define who they are.

I know  I think about it every waking second. I never wanted this to happen  this guy hasn’t slept with anyone else other than me since this started I do know that and we haven’t got stds I have checked 

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, So_very_confused said:

My answer was yes to almost all of those   but yes this guy does fill the voids…The ability to just talk, not have to be blind drunk all the time and I feel he does care about me, even just a little bit. We both said the connection was out of this world and he worried when I told him I was on my antidepressants and told me not to drink with them.. although my boyfriend encourages it.

You need to reevaluate your BF's destructive effect on you. Being a problem drinker doesn't mean he's a bad person, it means he has a drinking problem.

This man you're seeing is your escape from the drinking and ensuing issues. However, both are unhealthy.

Running away to have seek a haven in another man's arms and staying with a problem drinker and enabling that.

Two half relationships don't make one whole one. Your Bf's relationship is with alcohol. 

[glows]

End it with your boyfriend and stay single for awhile. This other guy doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He just pops up as and when he likes, snaps his fingers and you come running? I don’t think so. 

It’s all an escape from your horrible relationship and the sooner you realize your boyfriend has a serious problem the quicker you’ll be able to manage your own behaviours and seeking attention or affection from someone else who doesn’t seem at all to care about you. 

[So_very_confused]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

End it with your boyfriend and stay single for awhile. This other guy doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He just pops up as and when he likes, snaps his fingers and you come running? I don’t think so. 

It’s all an escape from your horrible relationship and the sooner you realize your boyfriend has a serious problem the quicker you’ll be able to manage your own behaviours and seeking attention or affection from someone else who doesn’t seem at all to care about you. 

I can’t I know it’s so selfish but I can’t be alone and I really do love my boyfriend too I’m just so confused our relationship isn’t terrible at all I just struggle with his drinking and drugs sometimes but he is cutting down and he’s planning to stop soon

Am I being really stupid about this other guy? Is that what you think of him? I guess you’re probably right but I don’t know 

[Uruktopi]

I may be wrong but...

Taking your posts at face value makes me think that you are not ready for a serious relationship no matter to whom.

 

Edited January 23, 2022 by Uruktopi

[LynneVicious]

20 minutes ago, Uruktopi said:

I may be wrong but...

Taking your posts at face value makes me think that you are not ready for a serious relationship no matter to whom.

 

Agree. Op, you need to start with getting some integrity and breaking it off with your boyfriend. You say you feel guilt, and that’s the only thing you should do right now. 

And you shouldn’t jump into a relationship with the new guy either. Figure yourself out on your own and get to the bottom of your issues. 

Then you may figure out why this happened when you do some introspection. But please break up with him before this all blows up in your face. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Whatever love you have for your boyfriend is not the kind that can sustain this relationship anymore. 

You've outgrown it, and it's beyond time to move forward with your life. You're making choices here that stand to blow right up in your face, and when you're risking that for some fun on the side, your relationship is as good as over anyway. 

Whether or not things worked out with this other guy is not the main issue. It's that you're dragging out what is essentially a dead relationship and making poor decisions along the way. Is that the woman you want to be? I doubt it. 

Do the right thing and let your boyfriend go. You don't love him the way a partner should, so rather than letting him find that out the very hard way, make a wiser choice and end this. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, So_very_confused said:

I can’t I know it’s so selfish but I can’t be alone and I really do love my boyfriend too I’m just so confused our relationship isn’t terrible at all I just struggle with his drinking and drugs sometimes but he is cutting down and he’s planning to stop soon

Am I being really stupid about this other guy? Is that what you think of him? I guess you’re probably right but I don’t know 

What people are trying to tell you is that you’re focusing on the wrong thing. Your relationship is horrible. It doesn’t make him a horrible man but the relationship is not fullfilling and he has addictions.

You have a partner who slips in and out of the rl because of his addictions to drugs and alcohol. Don’t waste your time wondering what this other guy thinks. What the other guy thinks about you doesn’t matter. You’re just feeling so low and down that any attention looks good.

What matters is your mental health and your future. Do you really see yourself with your boyfriend? Think about this for awhile as the longer you stay the harder it becomes to leave.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, So_very_confused said:

I just struggle with his drinking and drugs sometimes but he is cutting down and he’s planning to stop soon

You need to be kind and end it so he can get clean and sober. Don't stay and enable him.

Focus on your physical and mental health. Staying with him will bring you down.

 This other man is more of a symptom that you need to leave.

[ilikept]

You're just spinning your tires with both.   

Get back on the open dating market while you are still fit and pretty look for a squared away, sober,  professional man in his early 30s that has his act together.   

[BaileyB]

Personally, I think you should be single.

You have a lot of maturing to do before you are ready for a committed relationship. 

If you are single, you are free to have sex with whomever you like - 

Edited January 23, 2022 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Definitely let your bf go because I don't think you're in love with him.  You only felt guilt about this other guy the first time because he felt it and didn't want to have sex with you again.  You vowed to never do that to your bf again until the OM called and you again ran and had sex with him.   You admit you can't be alone (why?) so that is why you want to hang on to your bf.  I don't think you're good for your bf either or you wouldn't put up with his drinking but insist that he get help even if that meant leaving him.   I think you'd do best to learn how to be alone for a while.

[stillafool]

46 minutes ago, ilikept said:

look for a squared away, sober,  professional man in his early 30s that has his act together.   

Men like this typically also want a woman who has her act together.

[ilikept]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

Men like this typically also want a woman who has her act together.

Yes they do.   

That's why she needs to walk away from both of these two yahoos and get herself squared away before every decent man sees her as train wreck and only good for a night of fun.  

[Mrin]

Break up with BF. Spend some time on yourself. Then and only then try dating again.

But we all know you're not going to do any of that. And you won't stop seeing the other player dude either. Your words show you're already in too deep emotionally. I'm sorry but you're headed for an ugly train wreck.

[GoldenR]

I feel sorry for your boyfriend.  He's being played for a fool by you.  And you, you're willingly being played by your boyfriend. 

Break up with your bf. Free him to find a real relationship. 

[Dis]

You out grew your boyfriend. Happens to a lot of people in their 20's. The twenties are a time of self discovery and growth. 

 

And don't say you can't be alone. You can. You need to stand on your own two feet and keep growing, keep evolving on your own

 

Staying where you are now will not lead you to happiness 

 

Let them both go 

 

(hugs) 

[vla1120]

On 1/23/2022 at 2:58 PM, So_very_confused said:

I can’t I know it’s so selfish but I can’t be alone and I really do love my boyfriend too I’m just so confused our relationship isn’t terrible at all I just struggle with his drinking and drugs sometimes but he is cutting down and he’s planning to stop soon

Am I being really stupid about this other guy? Is that what you think of him? I guess you’re probably right but I don’t know 

Of course you can be alone. In fact, I recommend you spend some time by yourself. While you might love your boyfriend, the future is bleak if he continues to drink alcohol and do drugs. Cutting down and planning to stop are not viable solutions to his problem and they are bigger problems than you can handle on your own. He needs professional help.

If you do breakup with your boyfriend (which would be best, in my opinion), don't depend on this other guy to step up and want to be with you. Like you already suspect, he is probably in it for the sex, which is fine if both of you are single and that's all you're looking for, just don't rely on anything more from him. You should take some time to get to know yourself without the influence of a boyfriend.