feels like nothing has ever worked out, have no idea what to do

[UpgradeU_]

i'm a woman who has dated women - i guess i would be called 'gay' but i just think of myself as me, without labels, really. 

anyway. i have dated and been with a few different women. i have found it constantly very confusing and painful. women seem to be very blunt and harsh, and at times i wish i wasn't 'gay' because trying to communicate with women has been a nightmare. maybe it's not all women, but the women i've dated have been like this. every time i meet someone it ends with me getting hurt or rejected. 

recently i was talking to someone and after two months of talking daily and meeting up and being affectionate, she suddenly ended it with me. she immediately became cold towards me and gradually just started ignoring me. this was the first time i'd spoken to someone after two years of being single after an experience with another woman that led to me developing CPTSD. i don't know how i'm meant to trust anyone. we'd literally met up on tuesday, been affectionate and whatever, then by saturday she told me she wasn't interested anymore. i just don't understand how people can switch their feelings off so quickly. she told me she wasn't over someone else which is fair enough, but hearing that didn't make me feel any better.

my closest friend who dates men constantly has options, people in her DMs, etc. i have now developed resentment towards her and often have to avoid conversations around dating as it's just too triggering. she also has exes that reconnect with her after years of silence - this has never happened to me. not once. the constant knowledge that she simply has to exist and gets attention, meanwhile i have to keep struggling with loneliness and rejection is really depressing.

what does someone do when they have tried and tried with relationships/dating, and have just been constantly rejected/hurt? how do you avoid developing a bitter and jaded view on the world? i find it hard now to even see a couple in the street without feeling a mixture of envy, heartbreak, anger, jealousy, and whatever else. it seems like everyone else is 'walking' into relationships, whereas relationships and love seem totally out of my reach. i cannot even watch porn anymore because the feelings of "why am i not having sex?" envy, anger, loneliness, jealousy, pain, etc - all lead to me just having to avoid it completely. i recognise that to someone else reading this it might look really unhealthy or very distorted, but this is where i'm at, now.

i am extremely lonely as well as dealing with worsened mental health which started during the pandemic and hasn't seem to have gotten any better despite the lifting of restrictions in my area. i also developed an eating disorder while on lockdown, as well as what i suspect is agoraphobia and increased anxiety - i have had to join a gym that is a 5 minute walk from my house because i often have panic attacks and need to get home as quickly as possible when they start. i just feel like a complete mess and honestly slightly suicidal. i have no idea what to do about anything. i started going to the gym - something i used to love - and even that is not helping me feel better, and it's a struggle to do it, most days. i'm so fed up of being me. maybe this post also does have self-pity, but again that's just where my mental state is at.

as well as all of that, it appears as if i may have some form of adhd or autism and am currently waiting for a diagnosis. the symptoms make it incredibly difficult to live from day to day, and i feel so alone in the whole thing.

[Happy Lemming]

Perhaps after you get the results of your tests/diagnosis, the doctors will prescribe some anti-anxiety medications. Something to combat the "panic attacks".

I would be more concerned about getting these "panic attacks" under control.  At that point,  you can start to work on dating and trying to form a relationship with a partner.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, UpgradeU_ said:

it appears as if i may have some form of adhd or autism and am currently waiting for a diagnosis.

Excellent you are seeing your physician. Follow up and see what the diagnosis and treatment is.  Call a suicide hotline to talk to someone who will listen and help you. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist and discus your depression with your physician.

[glows]

I’m sorry to hear this. I agree with the others. Try to see what you can do to get your anxiety to more manageable levels. 

Give dating a break while you’re sorting things out. 

[UpgradeU_]

Thank you everyone for being sympathetic - this is the first time I've let all of this out so wasn't sure what the response would be. 

My main focus at this moment is trying to stay regular at the gym and keep up to date with diagnosis/doctor's appointments etc. I agree, dating is not something I should be doing right now. 

[glows]

12 minutes ago, UpgradeU_ said:

Thank you everyone for being sympathetic - this is the first time I've let all of this out so wasn't sure what the response would be. 

My main focus at this moment is trying to stay regular at the gym and keep up to date with diagnosis/doctor's appointments etc. I agree, dating is not something I should be doing right now. 

All you can be is honest with yourself and those trying to help you (your doctors and care providers). If you’re truly wanting to learn more about yourself and how to do better keep striving for that.

Find inspiration through your hobbies and interests for awhile. You may make new friends too or start to feel better and more engaged, uplifted. 

[shelters]

It sounds like you are experiencing a trauma response. I resisted journaling for years, but once I gave in, I found it really helpful to write down a question like, “What can I do to help you right now?” This is a question one part of you is asking another part of you. And then journal whatever answers come to mind without judgment. Or sit in silence and ask yourself the question, listening carefully to what comes up for you. 

Whatever you are feeling, try your best to validate your feelings. Your feelings are not “right” or “wrong,” they are your experience, and are valid. Period. 

If you can afford a therapist, try going to psychologytoday.com, and filtering by a therapist who specializes in same sex relationships, as well as trauma.

[UpgradeU_]

15 hours ago, shelters said:

It sounds like you are experiencing a trauma response. I resisted journaling for years, but once I gave in, I found it really helpful to write down a question like, “What can I do to help you right now?” This is a question one part of you is asking another part of you. And then journal whatever answers come to mind without judgment. Or sit in silence and ask yourself the question, listening carefully to what comes up for you. 

Whatever you are feeling, try your best to validate your feelings. Your feelings are not “right” or “wrong,” they are your experience, and are valid. Period. 

If you can afford a therapist, try going to psychologytoday.com, and filtering by a therapist who specializes in same sex relationships, as well as trauma.

It is interesting that you mention trauma and trauma responses - and interesting that you've noticed it from what I've described. I've always believed that I have experienced various traumas - be them within relationships or otherwise, and have read some things around CPSTD etc. Much of what I've found has applied to me, and I did develop CPTSD after someone ended things with me in a very traumatic way. 

Thank you so much for the other advice, I have bought some empty notebooks and will using them to journal, so thank you for the journal prompt.