Enmeshed family - marriage

[Sun_shine]

Hi 

So I dated my partner for about t  3 years before marrying and moving in . His mum is a widow and his family is very close knit there’s a lot of love support and care but expectations were not clear about our future and living arrangements  .

I come from a culture where living with in-laws is the norm and soon as I moved in our relationship became all about the family to a very unhealthy level .

I come from quite a disengaged family with trauma and I was used to being independent self responsible , when I first met the family I was overwhelmed by the love care and support I felt a sense of belonging ,  My husband mentioned I want you to stay for 6 months to build a bond and then made out we will eventually get our own place I led to believe this was true . 
 

As he was the only son he never made it clear that looking after his mum was his duty and the wider family had expectations that he is to stay with his mum and his wife and raise a family there . His mum had expectations that a daughter in law will stay with her forever and help her keep her house running the house is quite small and there’s always people around there’s parties and events to go to and sister in-laws coming and going freely another sister living there . Socialising is the MAIN focus of the family at the expense of freedom and autonomy.

My husband could not balance the marriage and his families needs and I was mainly left to socialise keep the house running issues started creeping up where my needs were on hold to cater for families needs it was no longer about us . I still adjusted but our marriage was dying  I stayed there for 11 months . I couldn’t question the lack of boundaries the impact it had on me as his mum wider family does not like healthy space . I put off getting pregnant initially to adjust to him and his families needs it was all about their expectations their mum ran around and did housework when pregnant so I was expected to , I had a miscarriage not blaming it on that and I still carried on .there were too much people’s needs to consider I eventually got a job and started asserting more independence. 

my husband then decided soon as we moved in that we’re living there forever however alot of disconnect built up between us there was no us intimacy issues communication issues , families needs first , I couldn’t question boundaries I still put up and was emotionally intelligent to everyone , it led to one massive argument my husband telling me to just get out I did I couldn’t go back home to my parents as it wasn’t safe for me and eventually I got my own place which I was planning on doing anyway as I’ve had enough . 

he didn’t really maintain contact it was over 4 weeks and he was shocked to find out I had got my own place . He’s been quite hostile to me since and has come around here and there and left he’s decided that he can’t leave his mums house he can’t provide for me either it’s either one or the other he’s unable to now meet my emotional / physical needs  at all we’ve been separated three months and he’s threatening divorce ignoring me as his family won’t change and he can’t see a way out . 

I’m not legally married , just religiously and I have to follow a process to end things . Any open honest communication with him does not work , it’s either one way or the other , that’s how his family is and he refuses to take any accountability he acknowledges what my needs are but says he cant meet them .

it’s been really hard coming to terms with the end of things but I was placed into a very codependent role  there was love care and support from his family but it was at a price. He was never honest fully to me his family or himself even and I can’t go through pregnancy or have kids there there’s been no balance and his  family have ostracised me because of the way I left . 
 

I am no slowly accepting reality and the end of our relationship how his  whole family system operate a group thinking mentality which I find quite unhealthy .

any advice from outside perspective would be appreciated 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sun_shine said:

I got my own place which I was planning on doing anyway as I’ve had enough . 

 he’s threatening divorce ignoring me as. I’m not legally married , just religiously and I have to follow a process to end things 

Do whatever it takes to sever all ties. It sounds like a trick to make you their household servant.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Sun_shine said:

I put off getting pregnant initially to adjust to him and his families needs it was all about their expectations their mum ran around and did housework when pregnant so I was expected to ,

Most women still do housework when pregnant so that isn't rare.  Who else will do it if you can't afford a house keeper?  Sorry about your miscarriage.

 

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

got my own place which I was planning on doing anyway as I’ve had enough . 

 he’s threatening divorce ignoring me as. I’m not legally married , just religiously and I have to follow a process to end things 

Since you were wanting to move out and get your own place isn't that the "divorce" since you two aren't legally married.  What other kind of "divorce" is there he could threaten you with?

Edited January 24, 2022 by stillafool

[Sun_shine]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do whatever it takes to sever all ties. It sounds like a trick to make you their household servant.

 

2 hours ago, Sun_shine said:

Hi 

So I dated my partner for about t  3 years before marrying and moving in . His mum is a widow and his family is very close knit there’s a lot of love support and care but expectations were not clear about our future and living arrangements  .

I come from a culture where living with in-laws is the norm and soon as I moved in our relationship became all about the family to a very unhealthy level .

I come from quite a disengaged family with trauma and I was used to being independent self responsible , when I first met the family I was overwhelmed by the love care and support I felt a sense of belonging ,  My husband mentioned I want you to stay for 6 months to build a bond and then made out we will eventually get our own place I led to believe this was true . 
 

As he was the only son he never made it clear that looking after his mum was his duty and the wider family had expectations that he is to stay with his mum and his wife and raise a family there . His mum had expectations that a daughter in law will stay with her forever and help her keep her house running the house is quite small and there’s always people around there’s parties and events to go to and sister in-laws coming and going freely another sister living there . Socialising is the MAIN focus of the family at the expense of freedom and autonomy.

My husband could not balance the marriage and his families needs and I was mainly left to socialise keep the house running issues started creeping up where my needs were on hold to cater for families needs it was no longer about us . I still adjusted but our marriage was dying  I stayed there for 11 months . I couldn’t question the lack of boundaries the impact it had on me as his mum wider family does not like healthy space . I put off getting pregnant initially to adjust to him and his families needs it was all about their expectations their mum ran around and did housework when pregnant so I was expected to , I had a miscarriage not blaming it on that and I still carried on .there were too much people’s needs to consider I eventually got a job and started asserting more independence. 

my husband then decided soon as we moved in that we’re living there forever however alot of disconnect built up between us there was no us intimacy issues communication issues , families needs first , I couldn’t question boundaries I still put up and was emotionally intelligent to everyone , it led to one massive argument my husband telling me to just get out I did I couldn’t go back home to my parents as it wasn’t safe for me and eventually I got my own place which I was planning on doing anyway as I’ve had enough . 

he didn’t really maintain contact it was over 4 weeks and he was shocked to find out I had got my own place . He’s been quite hostile to me since and has come around here and there and left he’s decided that he can’t leave his mums house he can’t provide for me either it’s either one or the other he’s unable to now meet my emotional / physical needs  at all we’ve been separated three months and he’s threatening divorce ignoring me as his family won’t change and he can’t see a way out . 

I’m not legally married , just religiously and I have to follow a process to end things . Any open honest communication with him does not work , it’s either one way or the other , that’s how his family is and he refuses to take any accountability he acknowledges what my needs are but says he cant meet them .

it’s been really hard coming to terms with the end of things but I was placed into a very codependent role  there was love care and support from his family but it was at a price. He was never honest fully to me his family or himself even and I can’t go through pregnancy or have kids there there’s been no balance and his  family have ostracised me because of the way I left . 
 

I am no slowly accepting reality and the end of our relationship how his  whole family system operate a group thinking mentality which I find quite unhealthy .

any advice from outside perspective would be appreciated 

 

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do whatever it takes to sever all ties. It sounds like a trick to make you their household servant.

That’s what I thought just hard accepting reality with what I was sold . 

[Sun_shine]

23 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Most women still do housework when pregnant so that isn't rare.  Who else will do it if you can't afford a house keeper?  Sorry about your miscarriage.

 

Since you were wanting to move out and get your own place isn't that the "divorce" since you two aren't legally married.  What other kind of "divorce" is there he could threaten you with?

Thanks , It’s more than just house work , it’s socialising carrying on every day as normal going to parties and events . Why should I after my miscarriage have to clear up after grown adults who can clear up after themselves if / when I’m pregnant . His mums needs and expectations shouldn’t be mine or my way of life that’s where the no boundaries come in I signed up to a life with my husband not everyone .   
 

Well I’d have to anull the   marriage even though it’s not legally recognised because it’s a religiously married there’s still a process to end things otherwise I’m still considered as married 

Edited January 24, 2022 by Sun_shine
Typo

[glows]

Chalk this up to a “now you know” situation. You’re doing everything right. You’re employed, living on your own and free from any more abuse both in your own family and this one. 

Annul the marriage then and do what’s left to be done to cut off ties with this man or his mother. You’ve established this isn’t the way you want to live so now go out and rediscover how you do want to go about your life. What matters most to you? Go do it. 

[Sun_shine]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

Chalk this up to a “now you know” situation. You’re doing everything right. You’re employed, living on your own and free from any more abuse both in your own family and this one. 

Annul the marriage then and do what’s left to be done to cut off ties with this man or his mother. You’ve established this isn’t the way you want to live so now go out and rediscover how you do want to go about your life. What matters most to you? Go do it. 

Thank you that’s exactly what it is just have to build my strength up and face the situation for what it is and take my power back. 

[glows]

8 minutes ago, Sun_shine said:

Thank you that’s exactly what it is just have to build my strength up and face the situation for what it is and take my power back. 

Acceptance that it’s over takes time. Try not to rush things. 

You seem educated and aware. Gain your momentum and count your lucky stars you were strong enough to leave early and don’t look back. 

Maybe you have reservations and feel guilty that it’s over. Those fade in time. Be kind to yourself and look towards the future. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Sun_shine said:

Thank you that’s exactly what it is just have to build my strength up and face the situation for what it is and take my power back. 

You've pretty much done that by moving to your own place.  Now you just have to get the annulment.

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Sun_shine said:

His mums needs and expectations shouldn’t be mine or my way of life that’s where the no boundaries come in I signed up to a life with my husband not everyone .   

I see.   You and this "husband" should have had a talk about where you would live and what was expected of you as a "wife".  I guess you already know by now if you get involved with another situation/marriage like this, to get those things clarified.  Was this some type of arranged marriage?

[Sun_shine]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I see.   You and this "husband" should have had a talk about where you would live and what was expected of you as a "wife".  I guess you already know by now if you get involved with another situation/marriage like this, to get those things clarified.  Was this some type of arranged marriage?

No it was not arranged at all I didn’t meet his family until after 16 months . He recently admitted no woman will live in his mums house long term , he even said at one point because your home environment is very dysfunctional I think that’s why you’ve accepted this for now . He admits there’s a problem with the enmeshment but doesn’t want to do anything about it . 
 

He led me to believe he will move out all them years then recently he said all his family will turn against him if he does so he can’t  .they cut people off who don’t conform to these unspoken norms and rules which I was unaware of .  But he’s not even doing the bare minimum I didn’t even expect him to stay at mine 7 days even two would be ok and someone there emotionally , things have gone way too toxic  tbh . 
 

He admitted I needed my own place and  said soon as I moved in he realised it won’t work , at that point we didn’t have much choice we both were jobless in the middle of the Covid pandemic . 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Sun_shine said:

He led me to believe he will move out all them years then recently he said all his family will turn against him if he does so he can’t  .they cut people off who don’t conform to these unspoken norms and rules which I was unaware of .

Yes it's good you moved out on your own.  He tricked you into this situation and it does seems like they were going to use you as a servant.  Make sure the next man you get involved with doesn't have this idea in mind for you.

[Sun_shine]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes it's good you moved out on your own.  He tricked you into this situation and it does seems like they were going to use you as a servant.  Make sure the next man you get involved with doesn't have this idea in mind for you.

Definitely I still stuck it out for 11 months there’s no going back now . 
il have to heal from this before any nee relationship! 

[rodymanner]

in my opinion the woman is the queen of the house but that doesn't mean that the man shouldn't do anything, instead helping her with the tiniest thing keeps the relationship strong and healthy