What are my options?

[Jonny80]

I’d like to start by saying Iv had all the delete block and go no contact talk before and I think everyone’s unique situation needs a different approach..

 

since my ex ended it 3 months back Iv got on with my life, but I know deep down I miss my ex and I still love her or have very strong feelings for her..

I do understand why people recommend I block her as this very experience Iv had eludes to..

last week my ex puts a new picture on Facebook, she’s looking good, it saddens me as I reminisce the good times..

we haven’t had contact since Christmas but I know she’s open to it..

4 days go by and I’m thinking about her due to her new picture. 
 

rightly or wrongly I decided to reach out and ask how she’s doing..

 

she replied by thanking me for the message and was very warm and friendly. She recommended I wrap up warm as it’s very cold 🥶..

i couldn’t but help tell her I still miss her and remember the good times..

she politely said life must move forward, don’t dwell on us, we had some great times.. 

Now all though it appears she’s moved on, she is replying with 3 kisses and not 1 kiss as was the case after we split, there’s no animosity between us and she thanked me for the message etc…

I guess if the situation was reversed I wouldn’t reply to an ex I dumped if I no longer wanted her in my life..

it confuses me slightly she’s so pleasant and warm yet she’s not directly reaching out to reconnect…

I guess the question is why doesn’t she just ignore me if she’s moved on?  It appears she’s happy to hear from me..

I did suggest we get together for a beer sometime but didn’t get a reply..

im not going to block her before you all say it lol..

[glows]

When someone reaches that point where they truly have moved on, whether the ex is in the picture or not matters very little. Later on, individuals may permanently block old exes out of respect for their current partners and a desire to devote their lives to their partners or families. There is no room for doubt or living in the past.

She can't stop you from living or messaging her. She can block you but not doing so and responding civilly may be her way of moving on too. Reconsider reaching out again to talk about the good times as she may not respond to you again if you keep doing the same thing and it's inappropriate.

 

[Jonny80]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

When someone reaches that point where they truly have moved on, whether the ex is in the picture or not matters very little. Later on, individuals may permanently block old exes out of respect for their current partners and a desire to devote their lives to their partners or families. There is no room for doubt or living in the past.

She can't stop you from living or messaging her. She can block you but not doing so and responding civilly may be her way of moving on too. Reconsider reaching out again to talk about the good times as she may not respond to you again if you keep doing the same thing and it's inappropriate.

 

I hear you I really do,  but she genuinely seem pleased to here from me hence thanking me for the messages and to put 3 kisses on the txt is a sign of endearment from her…

i kinda wish she’d be cruel to be kind as I’m not respond with such warmth. Like I admit Iv has ex’s contact me in the past and I just ignored them..

my life is busy, I’m happy enough but once in a while I have a real low day and miss her so much..  then I reach out to her and she’s happy to respond..

Iv tried talking to other women but other than just friendship I have no romantic motivation…

im sad to admit this but my life seemed more complete and meaningful with her than it does without her..  I’m struggling to get over the loss..

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

I’m struggling to get over the loss..

A lot of people have been in your shoes and it's no easy feat. Reaching out to her continuously hoping for something more is only perpetuating that misery however. 

Can you find meaning in your life now? Looking to her for meaning may be hindering you from growing and finding new meaning in life. 

 

[Jonny80]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

A lot of people have been in your shoes and it's no easy feat. Reaching out to her continuously hoping for something more is only perpetuating that misery however. 

Can you find meaning in your life now? Looking to her for meaning may be hindering you from growing and finding new meaning in life. 

 

This is why I ask why she’s accepting my contact by being so polite and warm in return. She thanks me for my message. She’s gone from ending txtxs with 1 kiss to 3 kisses which I always got when we were together.  Part of me wish she was perhaps cold and cruel to be kind.. because it only leads me to ask why she’s being so warm etc. If she’s moved on why does she appear to like hearing from me?

Iv been a workoholic for years. I was single 12 years before I met my ex but I was content in life..   now that she’s gone, my old way of life seems very lonely.  I have family and friends but no matter how much time I spend with them soon as I’m back home alone my mood becomes that of grieving the loss of my ex…

Maybe this continued reaching out to her is bad for me but I give in every time I go threw a low period.  The kinda pain we feel when we lose someone we love is a pain like no other.

[glows]

It seems you were content but not happy prior to meeting your ex.

What were some of the things you did in the relationship that made you feel alive or joyful?

Now's a good time to start creating your new life. Going back to an older version of yourself is impossible as new experiences change us as people. Keep evolving and trying new things.

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by glows

[flitzanu]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

I’d like to start by saying Iv had all the delete block and go no contact talk before and I think everyone’s unique situation needs a different approach..

 

**that's the thing, everyone wants to feel their situation is unique but it isn't.

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

 

since my ex ended it 3 months back Iv got on with my life, but I know deep down I miss my ex and I still love her or have very strong feelings for her..

I do understand why people recommend I block her as this very experience Iv had eludes to..

last week my ex puts a new picture on Facebook, she’s looking good, it saddens me as I reminisce the good times..

we haven’t had contact since Christmas but I know she’s open to it..

4 days go by and I’m thinking about her due to her new picture. 
 

 

**you're never going to stop thinking about her if you keep stalking her facebook.

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

 

rightly or wrongly I decided to reach out and ask how she’s doing..

 

she replied by thanking me for the message and was very warm and friendly. She recommended I wrap up warm as it’s very cold 🥶..

i couldn’t but help tell her I still miss her and remember the good times..

she politely said life must move forward, don’t dwell on us, we had some great times.. 

**not a great move, but fine, she knows how you feel and she suggested gently that you "move on" and clearly says not to dwell on it.

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

Now all though it appears she’s moved on, she is replying with 3 kisses and not 1 kiss as was the case after we split, there’s no animosity between us and she thanked me for the message etc…

**emojies mean absolutely nothing.

 

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

I guess if the situation was reversed I wouldn’t reply to an ex I dumped if I no longer wanted her in my life..

it confuses me slightly she’s so pleasant and warm yet she’s not directly reaching out to reconnect…

I guess the question is why doesn’t she just ignore me if she’s moved on?  It appears she’s happy to hear from me..

I did suggest we get together for a beer sometime but didn’t get a reply..

im not going to block her before you all say it lol..

**"happy to hear from you" is quite a stretch.  she replied civilly, and nothing indicated any interest in rekindling the past.  her ignoring your request "for a beer" is as good as saying "no"

[Jonny80]

8 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

**that's the thing, everyone wants to feel their situation is unique but it isn't.

**you're never going to stop thinking about her if you keep stalking her facebook.

**not a great move, but fine, she knows how you feel and she suggested gently that you "move on" and clearly says not to dwell on it.

**emojies mean absolutely nothing.

 

**"happy to hear from you" is quite a stretch.  she replied civilly, and nothing indicated any interest in rekindling the past.  her ignoring your request "for a beer" is as good as saying "no"

I do see what your getting at, I just don’t see why she has to be polite and reply if she’s moved on. Why does she need me contacting her if she’s happy without me..

 

I don’t agree her putting zero 1 or 3 kisses means nothing. From knowing her as I do it’s definitely indicates on her part how she feels towards a person.   
 

I don’t stalk her Facebook it just comes up when or if she changed her picture it’s free for the world to see..

[flitzanu]

why does she "need" you contacting her? she doesn't, you contacted her, she didn't ask you to.

you don't want to hear it, you're just reading WAY too much into this.

if you keep messaging her and keep pushing, she is going to start being less nice and polite.

[Jonny80]

20 minutes ago, glows said:

It seems you were content but not happy prior to meeting your ex.

What were some of the things you did in the relationship that made you feel alive or joyful?

Now's a good time to start creating your new life. Going back to an older version of yourself is impossible as new experiences change us as people. Keep evolving and trying new things.

 

I was constantly working.. I either became happy in my own company or got lazy socially, I’m not sure. I just enjoyed working..  I can’t remember when but I lost interest in things I once loved doing…

being with her made life seem like it had more perpous. To give and do for someone else rather than just take care of ones self had meaning and it was rewarding..

Other than work now body relies or needs me for anything on a daily basis as a single person. My friends and family aren’t all hanging out together whilst I’m home alone.

 

I look at other peoples lives and there relationships and think they share there life together and do things together. 
 

iv lost my mojo, I’v lost the enthusiasm and creativity I once had. I just feel being single at 48 is a boring lonely life regardless of how many friends I have..

it’s nice for someone you love to want you etc..

[Jonny80]

5 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

why does she "need" you contacting her? she doesn't, you contacted her, she didn't ask you to.

you don't want to hear it, you're just reading WAY too much into this.

if you keep messaging her and keep pushing, she is going to start being less nice and polite.

Not at all. It’s not a case of keep contacting her. She wanted to remain friends, if she wasn’t happy with me making contacting her I can assure you 100% she wouldn’t be thanking me for messaging her..  I know her well enough to know this…. Yes she’s not jumping to get back with me but equally she’s not saying it’s best if you don’t contact me. She’d block me if it was a huge problem for her..  I know her, she has no resentment or animosity towards me…

im just grieving this loss and I have days where I feel lost without her..  there’s no magical formula.?

[vla1120]

23 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

im just grieving this loss and I have days where I feel lost without her..  there’s no magical formula.?

Grieving the loss is normal. It takes time. The more contact you have with her, the longer it will take. If there were a magic formula, someone would be very rich. While there is no magic formula, there are things you can do to make it a little less painful. One things is to go no contact and you know this, but have decided not to go no contact. Therefore, you just have to accept that she has moved on. There is no turning back. The best thing you can do is to spend more time with family and friends. Take up a new hobby. Stop looking at her FB profile, no good will ever come of that - especially if she starts dating someone new and you start to see photos. Give yourself some time. Distance yourself from her as much as possible. That's how you stop grieving.

[Happy Lemming]

The only way she is going to come back is if she misses you.  That is never going to happen with constant contact from you.

It has to be her idea to come back.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

Why does she need me contacting her if she’s happy without me..

Huh? She doesn't. You contacted her. 

She doesn't need you to be in touch. She's fine communicating with you and doesn't want to hurt you, but she was clear in her words: it's time to move on. 

You are misinterpreting what not being blocked means here. She is okay with being friendly because she doesn't have those feelings anymore. She doesn't dislike you, so she sees no reason to block. That's all there is to it. 

[Jonny80]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Huh? She doesn't. You contacted her. 

She doesn't need you to be in touch. She's fine communicating with you and doesn't want to hurt you, but she was clear in her words: it's time to move on. 

You are misinterpreting what not being blocked means here. She is okay with being friendly because she doesn't have those feelings anymore. She doesn't dislike you, so she sees no reason to block. That's all there is to it. 

She’s just now told be she hadn’t moved on but she’s dealing with it in her own way..   she don’t think meeting for a drink is a good idea as she’s already hurt me enough.  Give her due…

[Jonny80]

24 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

The only way she is going to come back is if she misses you.  That is never going to happen with constant contact from you.

It has to be her idea to come back.

 

Yes I thought this and Iv been advised..

but now telling me she’s not moved on but don’t want to meet me because she’s upset me enough already proves there’s somthing there.   She’s admitted she’s being strong in her own way..

[Happy Lemming]

1 minute ago, Jonny80 said:

...but don’t want to meet me because she’s upset me enough already proves there’s somthing there.  

Just because she isn't being hateful/hurtful, doesn't mean she wants you back or that there is "something there". 

Sometimes mature adults say "good bye" without venom or drama.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

She’s just now told be she hadn’t moved on but she’s dealing with it in her own way..   

That's what I'm saying: she wants to move on. 

She doesn't want to try again. 

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

This is why I ask why she’s accepting my contact by being so polite and warm in return. She thanks me for my message. She’s gone from ending txtxs with 1 kiss to 3 kisses which I always got when we were together.  Part of me wish she was perhaps cold and cruel to be kind.. because it only leads me to ask why she’s being so warm etc. If she’s moved on why does she appear to like hearing from me?

She is being polite and friendly, but she has also made it clear that the relationship is OVER and you need to move on.  Some people don't hold any animosity or anger towards their exes and are even okay keeping in touch or being friendly.  But that doesn't mean that the door is open to rekindle the relationship.  You tried telling her that you miss her, and what was her reply?  She told you that you need to move on.  She couldn't be more clear that the relationship is over.  

She is remaining cordial and friendly with you because maybe she's just a really friendly person, maybe she doesn't have any hard feelings or anger towards you and sees no reason to block you or harshly cut off contact.  She thought that you could handle that.  But obviously you can't handle that, you won't stop obsessing over her and holding out false hopes of trying to get back together.  If you can't handle being in contact with her, then you need to stop being in contact with her.  You can't control her actions, you can't make her be "cruel and cold" in order to help you get over it.  You can only control YOUR actions and so if you can't handle staying in contact then you need to be the one to make the decision to stop this situation.  Stop texting her.

[Jonny80]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's what I'm saying: she wants to move on. 

She doesn't want to try again. 

Sometimes what we want doesn’t always happen..    loads of people split up and realise they made a mistake. They try desperately to move on but don’t succeed..

I believed her when she said she loved me more than anyone ever.  We never sat down and talked about what went wrong.. I know she has a lot of issues and feels her illness drags me down so she thinks she’s trying to protect to me..

[ShyViolet]

15 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

but now telling me she’s not moved on but don’t want to meet me because she’s upset me enough already proves there’s somthing there.   She’s admitted she’s being strong in her own way..

"Proves something is there?"  No.  You are seeing what you want to see.

If she wanted to be with you again, she would be meeting up with you.  The fact that she's saying "no" is all you need to know.  Accept it.

[Jonny80]

4 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

She is being polite and friendly, but she has also made it clear that the relationship is OVER and you need to move on.  Some people don't hold any animosity or anger towards their exes and are even okay keeping in touch or being friendly.  But that doesn't mean that the door is open to rekindle the relationship.  You tried telling her that you miss her, and what was her reply?  She told you that you need to move on.  She couldn't be more clear that the relationship is over.  

She is remaining cordial and friendly with you because maybe she's just a really friendly person, maybe she doesn't have any hard feelings or anger towards you and sees no reason to block you or harshly cut off contact.  She thought that you could handle that.  But obviously you can't handle that, you won't stop obsessing over her and holding out false hopes of trying to get back together.  If you can't handle being in contact with her, then you need to stop being in contact with her.  You can't control her actions, you can't make her be "cruel and cold" in order to help you get over it.  You can only control YOUR actions and so if you can't handle staying in contact then you need to be the one to make the decision to stop this situation.  Stop texting her.

She’s just admitted she’s not moved on when I thought she was.  Yes we’re split up doesn’t mean that can’t change given the right circumstances..

we are being very amicable to each other..  she’s having to dig deep to move on so allowing  me to contact her would technically make it harder..

I have days I cope fine and days I miss her like crazy..

Iv only contacted her twice in 6 weeks. 

[Jonny80]

15 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

"Proves something is there?"  No.  You are seeing what you want to see.

If she wanted to be with you again, she would be meeting up with you.  The fact that she's saying "no" is all you need to know.  Accept it.

Yes! If she didn’t care she’d of moved on but she hasn’t.  Doesn’t mean we'llget back together.. I thought she’d moved on so easily along time ago but she’s just admitted she hasnt.  I don’t even know why she wanted to end it. She never told me..

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

Sometimes what we want doesn’t always happen..    loads of people split up and realise they made a mistake. They try desperately to move on but don’t succeed..

And the same can be said of people who do move on. Plenty more split up and stay that way. 

You are describing yourself with the above, not her. 

[Happy Lemming]

She doesn't want to be with you.

Actions speak louder than words.

As for the reason, a lot of times a woman will NOT give a reason or sugar coat it, as to not draw the anger of a man that won't let go. 

Personally, I never cared what the reason was, when I got dumped, I'd shower up and get out there to try to find the next one.  I never sat on my couch for six weeks pining over a previous relationship or trying to figure out if I could have said or did something different.  The dent in my couch is big enough, no need to make it larger by trying to make sense out of something that has passed.